Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
March 28, 2024, 04:36:58 pm

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 772946
  • Total Topics: 66310
  • Online Today: 424
  • Online Ever: 5484
  • (June 18, 2021, 11:15:29 pm)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 379
Total: 379

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Do I Have HIV?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Expression of My Thoughts  (Read 3931 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline CHUCK610

  • Member
  • Posts: 61
Expression of My Thoughts
« on: November 28, 2009, 09:40:39 am »
Just felt the need to get these thoughts out.

I have been on this site since my diagnoses, I have read alot of good and bad information. Received amazing support, compassion and understanding. The last 6 months have been a rolecoaster of emotions and fears.

Now being on the meds, my numbers are good according to my ID Doc and I feel good though a bit fatigued at times.

I don't know what my future will bring, I don't know if I will get real sick from this disease, I don't know how my days will pan out, I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable having sex with anyone other than my right or left hand. I don't know If I will ever forgive myself, perhaps in time, my wife and therapist say I need too. I don't know if I will ever feel like myself again. I don't know if I will continue therapy (mental).

I do know that I have to be adherent to my meds and what my doctors tell me. I do know I need to ride my harley as often as I can (2600 miles since June 2009). I do know I have the love of my family and friends. I do know I have to take good care of my health and mental state. I do know that I have a good life and am lucky for my accomplishment and what I have. I do know that for what time I may or may not have I have to enjoy and grasp every moment of it and try to make the most of it. And when the time does come I want my body to be laid in a Harley driven hurst and want to be buried with my  Harley (For real my wife and family think I'm nuts, but I saw it at a Harley bike week, it was so cool).

I guess I owe my current thinking to the support of my family, friends and this site, who have helped me through the most difficult time. Do I still get down HELL YEAH. Do I still sometimes feel lonely and sad HELL YEAH. Do I still want to have real sex HELL YEAH. Do I still want to be Hiv Neg  HELL YEAH. But the reality is these things are apart of my life now and I just have to work through them and move on.

Do I still want to be the person I used to be  HELL NO.  That person was lost in life, that person was very negative and angry. That person never appreciated life.

Thanks again for all your support and for reading my thoughts

Chuck

 
Diagnosed 5/01/09
cd4 289 vl 20k 20.5%
6/03/09 started med Reyataz, Norvir, Truvada
7/6/09 cd4 463, vl 1,400. 22%
7/22/09 cd4 472 vl 260, 29%
9/1/09 cd4 462 vl 218, 30.8%
10/22/09 cd4 462 vl undetectable (yahoo) 30.6 %
01/21/2010 cd4 537 undetectable  35.8%

Offline mikee

  • Member
  • Posts: 26
Re: Expression of My Thoughts
« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2009, 10:05:02 am »
hi there chuck



it has been a week for me. fresh and new on this situation.
i feel the same. and still feeling it each day that i wake up.i just dont know until when.
but i know EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT!!!

just keep the faith.
i remembered way back in college. a friend of mine suddenly told me this out of thin air...
"dont askwhy" as she left our room smiling.

Take great care chuck.

always hopeful
mikee

2008  - EIA nonreactive
01/09 - Probable infection
01/09 - HIV 1/2 Quali Serodia PA - nonreactive
04/09 - Seroconertion (rash,fever, tonsillitis)
05/09 - Recurrence of rash and fever
07/09 - Diarrhea Started
09/09 - Severe Seborrheic Dermatitis
10/09 - Reactive Fujerebio Serodia Particle Agglutination
11/21 - EIA - Reactive
           Fujerebio Serodia PA - Reactive
           WB - Positive (gp160, gp120, p66, gp41,
           p24, p17 bands were formed)
12/15 - cd4 = 66; vl = pending

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,134
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Expression of My Thoughts
« Reply #2 on: November 28, 2009, 11:09:54 am »
Hey Chuck, yes, you do need to forgive yourself. Please continue with the therapist so you can achieve that aim. You might not ever feel like your old self again, but from what you've written, maybe that's a good thing. Embrace the new you and all the good that's unexpectedly come out of a bad situation.

None of us, poz or neg, have any way of knowing what the future will bring. Anyone can suddenly become life-threateningly ill. Anyone can have down days. We all face uncertainty, poz or neg.

And there's no reason why you can't have a sex life. Between the use of condoms and your VL being undetectable, you're just not going to infect anyone. Do your best to get back into the game. It's healthy to have a sex life - it's good for your mind, body and soul. Get shagging, young man, and that's an order. :D

Hang in there. You've come a long way and there's better yet to come. You'll see.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,931
Re: Expression of My Thoughts
« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2009, 03:28:47 pm »



  Hey Chuck,

    Acceptance of this virus and forgiveness of self, in my opinion, go hand in hand and as you are slowly finding out it takes time.  Buzzing around on that Harley sounds like some really good anti-depression medicine and  the strength and determination to get out of the house and ride around on your sled is a great sign I think...

   Hang in there Chuck and keep fighting the good fight.  There is so much more life to live.. :)
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2024 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.