Moving, HIV, isolation, and faking it

[Peter6836]

Moving………..I am making another transition in my life this weekend. It seems like I have become more aware of these things lately and life is moving much faster these days. For years I was a father, a teacher, a husband and life just seemed to move at this slow and lugubrious pace. In the last ten years I have decided that I couldn’t live in a closet of denial any longer.
There were times that I literally would sit in the storage closet of my science classroom and cry before my students would come in. Then it was show time, teaching lessons all day performing in the classroom. Cooking caring and transporting my own kids around, but always there were those private moments. The times where I was alone and emotions would flood over me, the change of a billboard, on my usual route to work would set me off. A furry of emotion a river of tears would creep out of me. Those moments before my class would enter the room in the storage closet, or late at night after hours of running, cooking for the family, homework, and lesson plans then I would sit in the tub and it would all come over me. My wife out living some life I knew nothing about, and me living a life she knew nothing about.
I raised four children and lived in this marriage for twenty years. I never ventured out of this small world that I created. It was emotionally abusive, but I did everything I could to protect my children from it, while burying myself in it. After stays in the psychiatric ward of the local hospital, diagnoses of depression, bi- polar disorder, and years of therapy, I walked away from the world that I hid in.
Since then I have moved multiple times. Taking with me the past along the way, bits and pieces of a life I hardly recognize now. This time I am moving to be closer to my parents and my sister. My caregiver is coming with me. I am struggling with finances and faking it well, something I learned through years of pretending. I have never found the all elusive love I was looking for instead I found a virus that now requires me to look in the mirror of my mortality daily. This I hope will be the last move I make. I will have to travel half an hour to work daily. Yes I have managed to fake it so well that with a bi-polar disorder and a diagnosis of aids I still work daily. The things I am moving now seem to have little value to me. I want to leave more and more behind. I am used to loosing now, loosing a life I thought I had, loosing love, loosing health, loosing things is nothing now.
I just found out my bank account is empty and pay day isn’t for another week yet. I will have to fake the week out. It is the nods and statements of being fine each day that is beginning to bother me. It is going to bed at night and not knowing how long I can continue this that is driving me deeper into despair. I thought the lies were over, but it continues. Tomorrow I will write a bad check to the movers. Tonight I will act as if everything is fine. Sunday I will unpack the remnants of a life not so well lived, and Monday I will continue the legacy of this life with little light at the end of the tunnel. I will use my change to buy gas, and worry every day when the phone rings. I will do all of this alone, pretending that everything is all right because this is what I think is expected of me.
Peter

[Bucko]

Peter-

The free-fall you're describing happened to me in fits and starts beginning about three years ago and only really stopped with my crash last fall. Attempting to live one's life with HIV has more traps than any video game and there are no reset buttons to push.

We all find ourselves in compromises the possibility of which we'd never considered feasable, but life either moves on with you or leaves you on the curb like so much roadkill. I used to think that this was a matter of choice, or at least the consequences of having made terribly bad ones. Now I'm not so harsh, either with myself or others.

Perhaps among all the losses you're computing right now, you can lose the little punishing voice deep in your head that is causing you such grief right now. We can only consider ourselves failures by assuming the expectations imposed on us by others and finding ourselves wanting by comparison.

Be kind to yourself. There is another adventure or two waiting in the wings and will pounce when it seems least likely. Be ready to recognize it, or at least keep yourself open it its eventuality.

With deepest regards-
Brent

[bear60]

What are your parents doing ...sitting by....doing nothing?    Why not confide in them...or some friends that you need help.  Surely you know how to ask for help.

[allopathicholistic]

Be kind to yourself. There is another adventure or two waiting in the wings and will pounce when it seems least likely. Be ready to recognize it, or at least keep yourself open it its eventuality.

Hi Peter. Please focus on the above quote. I was going to say something similar, something along the lines of there are some situations in life that don't change, but thankfully there are many that DO change and sometimes change is wonderful and can hit you when you're not expecting it to. While sometimes it  seems each day is a carbon copy of the last, it's not true. Each day has tiny differences, e.g., you notice your neighbor's puppy has doubled in size, ou notice a cool new store opened up a few days ago in your town, things like that. Hang in there

[DanielMark]

The things I am moving now seem to have little value to me. I want to leave more and more behind. I am used to loosing now, loosing a life I thought I had, loosing love, loosing health, loosing things is nothing now.

Hi Peter,

We can't predict the future (thankfully), so here's hoping yours brings some good things too, to help replace the other. Sometimes it's good to clean house. It frees you to be available for other possibilities.

From what I understand, you only got your diagnosis in November last year. You may not think so, but life can still have meaning after diagnosis. Mine does at least.

Be gentle with yourself,

Daniel

[ndrew]

What strength you have to be a father, a teacher and to even confront your grief and fear.  It all takes strength to share this here.  I am not sure if you want to stop moving or not, but life sure doesn't.  I guess the "go with the flow" phrase comes to mind.

I sometimes feel like a fraud as well, like I am trying to smooth over the deepening cracks...  and that somehow the HIV is just another symptom of my failure.  Here's to finding some joy in the mad ride of life!

I don't have anyway to help you, just follow the honest love of your being as often as you can.

Drew