Jealousy

[3814OKC]

I'm more than likely just needing to vent, but I guess I need to get others perspective as well.

I've been with my boyfriend, Dell, since Dec 2009.  We moved in together in April of 2010 and thought I found someone that I wanted to share my life with.   We always had an agreement that before we decided to cheat, we would talk about it, we did and tried to do a threesome here and there, which didn't work b/c of the odd man out factor. In November of that year I found out he had been cheating on me w/different guys and some of his friends that he had hooked up with before we met.  I was upset by this but we talked it out and we decided to try an open relationship for the time being with rules in place.  Of course this didn't work out so well as he was always bending the rules to his needs and in May of 2011 we broke up and I moved out.  We continued to see each other but lived apart, and he did his thing and I did mine. 

I ended up hooking up with a guy and was stupid and didn't use protection and ended up becoming poz.  I did a self-test and it was confirmed in Feb of 2012.  I blamed nobody but myself and was very proactive about seeking treatment and going on with my life.  Dell wanted me to move back in b/c I think he felt bad for me.  I thought me testing poz would be a wake up call for him to start using protection as he hates condoms and isn't picky about the guys he hooks up with.  He gets tested every six months and I feel horrible that every time I want him to test poz.  Some of the guys he hooks up with are poz, and he doesn't use protection with anyone.  He contracted Herpes b/c of this.  Is this normal that i'm jealous that he is one of the many guys who just has unprotected sex with known poz guys and always manages to come back with a somewhat clean bill of health?

Just recently he went and got tested and it came back neg.  Previous to that he was showing symptoms that I had before I tested poz, and I was sure he was going to test poz and so was he.  When he told me it came back neg I was so mad inside.  This isn't healthy I know.  I just don't know what to do.  I guess I just feel that I am punished b/c of one time of unprotected sex and he gets away with it all.

[Ann]

Hi OKC, welcome to the forums.

If you haven't actually seen the test results yourself, is it possible that he's not being entirely honest with you about his results? Could he be frightened that you'd blame him for your infection, causing him to hide his results?

Also, unless he has tested at three months past his last incident of unprotected intercourse, then he is not actually conclusively hiv positive. He may have tested too soon following feeling unwell.

I don't think your disappointment about his (alleged) negative result is necessarily "bad" thing, it's just human nature. You probably feel a bit cheated that you were unlucky while he is seemingly lucky. The only time I'd be concerned about this feeling of yours is if you started translating that feeling into action by actively trying to infect him yourself.

Ann

[texaninnyc87]

I can relate.

Out of all my gay friends I've always been one of the more responsible. Not super promiscuous, always safe, stayed away from hard drugs etc.

After I was diagnosed i spent some time thinking about how unfair it was. I'd only had unsafe sex with 4 guys, some if my friends had bareback meth orgies with 14 guys...regularly. I have one friend in particular who I felt was definitely going to end up positive sooner or later, and was shocked it wasn't sooner than me. I think whenever people are in a bad situation it's only natural to play the "why me?" Game and feel undeserving. In the end it doesn't matter how you got it, it's about living your life and accepting the things you can't change. Spending time being bitter about what could have been or how unfair life is wont do you any good in the long run.

It took me some time to really accept this and since then I've just true to be really open about my status and everything I'm going through with my at risk friends so that the implications of their actions seem more real.  Hopefully I can prevent someone i care about from dealing with the same hardships I've been struggling with.

So basically, I do think its natural to feel the way you have but I also think you can get over it 

[3814OKC]

I saw his results paper and they highlighted the "negative" on the paperwork.  We don't have intercourse anymore, mostly b/c of the fear of infection and that fear of blame even though i'm undetectable, but also b/c other than herpes I don't know what other std he might have.  I diagnosed his syphilis almost a year ago after he could figure out what was going on.  It's amazing what a simple search of std symptoms brings up.

In regards to testing too soon, his last test, before the one he took yesterday, was back in like july/august.  The symptoms that I noticed he was having like I did before I did my own test, were probably back in November.  The guys that he has sex with that are poz he usually tops, but as I have found out, people lie about their status all the time as well as when they last were tested.  I guess i'm just mad that you would think having someone close to you testing poz would be a wake up call, but for him it's not. 

When I found out my status I decided to tell my family (parents & sister), and of course they all blamed and thought it was because of him.  I had to tell them it wasn't because of him and goodness knows what opinion they now think of me.  He was mad that I told them as he thought I should keep it to just us.  I found out later that he got drunk and told some of our friends.  He tends to get emotional when drunk and he ended up letting that cat out of the bag.  If he does test poz I can see me being the scapegoat in his friends views for him testing poz.  One of his friends found out my status and has been not exactly keeping it a secret.  Testing poz really opened my eyes.  The guys who always talk about being safe and using condoms were the ones who when in the heat of the moment or just in general don't use condoms at all.
 

[Miss Philicia]

If you haven't actually seen the test results yourself, is it possible that he's not being entirely honest with you about his results? Could he be frightened that you'd blame him for your infection, causing him to hide his results?

Indeed, this was my first thought. But my second thought was that he may be one of those guys with the whatever-gene where they don't become infected regardless of their risky activity -- I forget what percentage of people have this ability.

While I agree that it's human nature to have some of the feelings you are having about wanting him to test positive, ideally this is super unhealthy for you mentally long-term and if it continues I would recommend seeing a therapist.

[mecch]

3814OKC - I sort of understand a mild envy if someone manages not to get infected, despite risk.  On the other hand, jealousy seems particularly negative... Also, rather than envy why not just be glad for the person. 

Seems like one can feel two kinds of opposed emotions in cases like these.  Usually we feel happy for others' good fortune, even though we personally are in a bit of a rut and might also feel envious.

What i do not like is that you kind of hope your lover will be positive. Meaning, you wish bad luck and a negative experience, on your lover.  Really?  Really???

I think you may be projecting onto HIV status feelings about fidelity and infidelity, respect for the couple, and risk.   It's one thing to, at the bottom, not like that a partner takes certain risks.  Because the penalty could hurt him, AS WELL as the couple.

Lets say someone's partner drinks, and drives.  Seems natural to be angry about that. The person could get hurt.  Could hurt others.  But would anyone HOPE or wish that this drunk driver get into that car accident??  If so, the couple is rotting, in my opinion.

 

[tednlou2]

I understand this feeling.  My best friend refuses to wear condoms.  He hooks up with so many guys for bareback sex.  I found out while he was claiming poor to me (he lives with us) and he couldn't afford rent for several months, that he was paying guys for sex.  I admit I did go through a period where I was resentful.  He tested a few times, due to swollen lymph nodes.  He always came back neg.  I saw the labs.  He bragged that he must be immune.  There was that "evil" part of me that was wishing the virus on him. 

I think part of that is that I couldn't count on him for support.  Many would wonder why we are even friends.  He is very narcissistic.  You could tell him your dog just died, and he would say he had a hell of a time in traffic.  We've known each other since I was 4 years old, so we are like family.  Anyway, I got over that.  I didn't really want him to test poz.  In fact, I've talked to him over and over since, about how he knows he cannot tell who is poz and just because he's been lucky so far doesn't mean he will continue to be.  I've bought him condoms.  When I know he's headed out to hook up, I will hand him a condom. 

So, I think it is natural to feel that way.  But, you have to nip it in the bud quickly, before it gets self destructive and begins to change you. 

[countrymanPete]

  I've never felt jealousy for anyone. My ex always told me I had the emotions of a Robot, which is not true, I just don't feel jealousy. It's easy for me to say just drop it.    The scene is not about forming relationships, it encourages people to sleep around, have a good time, and don't think about Tomorrow.   Well at some point Tomorrow does come.
            I hooked up with a guy, also HIV+ and had a long relationship with, 10 years, but he decided it should be open, and thats not my thing.  I wasn't jealous that he fucked around unsafely, and as  a result of his choices picked up various STDs, Syph, Gon etc.   Once the relationship went open, I refused to sleep with him, I have enough shit going on in my life. I always say, "There's always a price to pay" and to be realistic anyone in this day and age who chooses to act recklessly ends up with Karma biting their ass.    It's just a case of when.   It's not a case of feeling resentful or jealous of their staying Neg despite their behavior, but at some point they will pay a price for what they do, and it's likely to be a high price.  Multi resistance etc. Anyone who engages in risky sex will pay a price, no one is immune.   It will happen.
          It is easy to feel  that life is unfair etc, but that leads no where.  despite love for someone, you should try to put down the negative thoughts and get on with your own thing.   Carrying negativity will not help you.  It is not worth feeling resentment, it'l go nowhere, help no one and it'll make you angry.  All you can do, is be ready to support them when the inevitable happens and it will.
         

[GSOgymrat]

When HIV+ people have the mindset that other people deserve HIV I wonder if, on some level, they believe they too deserved it.

[skeebo1969]

     Wishing bad things on someone who screwed your relationship over is absolutely normal.  Would anything change if he did test positive?  I mean, in regards to you?

[buginme2]

Wishing HIV on a friend or boyfriend is a pretty shitty thing (even if it is a human emotion).   

How would you feel if a friend of yours or your boyfriend wished that you contracted HIV if you were negative.

If you are wishing bad things happen to your loved ones then it's time to reevaluate the relationship and work towards correcting the problems or dissolving the relationship.  I agree that you may need therapy to accomplish that.

[pittman]

I think recognizing that you harbor some resentment *is* healthy, but only to start you down a path to grow beyond it.  Those feelings really come down to attaching a sense of "guilt/innocence" to the disease, evident in your choice of the word "punished."  You were not punished. You did something that billions of people have done- had unprotected sex. There is risk involved: any number of diseases and for some, unplanned pregnancy. 

Thinking someone gets HIV because they deserve it is like saying someone wins or loses a lottery because they deserve it. 

Doing so is founded in an emotional basis rather than a rational one.  It is also self-destructive, demoralizing, and does not give the respect and compassion that you owe to yourself. This is much less about others than it highlights how you are judging yourself.

I would really think talking though this with a therapist could help you.