POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => I Just Tested Poz => Topic started by: Reign on October 13, 2010, 03:49:26 pm
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I have HIV. I was just diagnosed last week and I dont know which way is up anymore. I am a 25 year old businessman and a father of 1. I rekindled an old flame, my first love actually, it was about 5 years since we have been in contact. We went to get tested together because i havent been since Feb 10 and he hasnt been in over a year and my result came back positive. I was waiting for the woman to tell me she was joking, she never did tell me and a piece of me is still waiting for her to call me back and say it was a joke. I ran out of the testing facility and have been trying my best to ignore the reality I have to face. I didn't even stay to get a western blot done because i was too scared that would make it real. I was so ashamed to look him in the face, I couldnt bare to look at myself. I still can't I often wear sunglasses because i dont want people to see the sadness in my eyes and the bags under them lol. A week ago was the lowest point in my life, and since then I've tried to end my life two times. I want to get into high risk sexual encounters because i feel that people with HIV got it because of being high risk. I've always been so careful and this is what i get. I can't eat, sleep, and I am just disconnected from the world and running on auto-pilot. Im so alone. I
I know how i got it I won't claim "immaculate infection". My ex of 3 years is in the Armed Services and even though we broke up last year we were having casual sex without condoms. Ive been hooking up with 3 guys off and on but those have been safe and low risk sexual encounters.
I have no one to talk to I am not fully out of the closet but im not fully in. My first love abandoned me once again after he told me he would be there for me through this situation, I guess I trust people to much thats why im in this situation, but i can only be so strong and keep on this mask of contentment for so long. I dont know what im looking for on here, maybe some insight, maybe someone who can relate, maybe someone as lonely as me.
Reign
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Reign,
First of all, I'm sorry about your diagnosis and the hard time that you are having with it, but welcome to the forums.
HIV is a big shock, and a significant change, to everyone who unfortunately catches it. It does not mean however that your life is over (and much less that you should be the one to end it). You are young, you have a kid who will want you to be there as he grows, it sounds like you have a fairly good job. Don't miss out on that because of a virus that can be controlled with proper treatment.
You will need to get that positive result confirmed with a Western Blot, you need to be sure that you indeed have this virus. That would be step number one. Step number two, so that you may eventually come to terms with your status (if it is truly positive) will be finding a doctor who deals with this condition. In the process you will do all the necessary tests for your viral load and CD4 counts. Then you will focus on whether you need to start treatment or not at the moment. You may want to seek one on one counseling if you deem it necessary, but take it all one step at a time.
Your first sentence says it pretty well: you have HIV; HIV does not have YOU.
Take it easy and feel free to reach out to us as needed. That's the main goal behind these boards.
Wishing you well,
The Rev.
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Reign,
Welcome you have found a safe place! We have all been in your shoes, what you are feeling is quite normal for most. Very few of us expected to be poz when the test results came back but you will learn that this is not the end of the world. (Though it may feel like it now!) The good Rev Moon gave you some good advice above, follow it. You need to go back and get your WB to make sure it's not a false poz. While you are there talk to the counselor, they will have lot of "Local" information so you can find a doctor who knows their way around HIV. Take a note pad so you can make notes of things you may forget, it's a lot to take in! If it comes back poz get in and meet the doctor and get your basic tests done to see where you are.
Once you know where you're at you can make informed decisions. You well soon learn that HIV is not a death sentence. If you live a healthy life and keep HIV in check there is no reason you wont be around to meet your grandchildren! ;D
Ask us all the questions you want, there will always be somebody here to answer you.
As for taking your own life... Don't be selfish, think of your child!!! What would his life be like growing up with out his daddy??? He NEEDS YOU! :o
This is not an easy process for anyone but you can do it!
Get up every day, take off those sunglasses and look yourself in a mirror and choose to live. ;D
It will get better, I promise!!!
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Rev.
Thank You for your kind words of encouragement, Its good to know there are other people out here trying to cope with this virus. I have made an appointment with a specialist on Friday to get the final results. I have also set myself up with a counselor. That was a big step for me. I believe its step one in the acceptance process.
You are right, suicide is not how i want my child to remember me but at some points i feel as though i have nothing to offer to him anymore. I knew the risks I was getting into by getting into this lifestyle but i never thought i would have ended up on a blog expressing my innermost feelings as an anonymous blogger.
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This is a lot to go through. If you'd like someone to confide in and maybe talk you through the initial coming to terms process of your diagnosis you can feel free to PM me once you've hit the magic number of 3 posts. I hope things get better for you soon and you see that this isn't the end of the road but just a bend in it.
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Reign,
Sorry to hear of your diagnosis. You have made it to a place, here, where you can get lots of information and support.
I knew the risks I was getting into by getting into this lifestyle but i never thought i would have ended up on a blog expressing my innermost feelings as an anonymous blogger.
None of us ever did, but are thankful it exists.
Take things slowly and ask any questions you have here in the forums.
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Welcome. Reign.
Right now having tested positive likely feels huge and overwhelming. Of course it's a serious matter, but gradually you are going to see that HIV is a part of your life and not all that you or your life is about.
Most important for you right now is to have a doctor with whom you can form a good working partnership to keep you healthy. Gradually you will learn everything you need to keep you healthy. You don't have to learn everything all at once. You're always welcome to come here to ask and to talk about anything that's on your mind. There is a wealth of experience and knowledge which you will find available to you.
Read the lessons including the one about disclosure. I think you will find them helpful.
Meantime your status is still very new to you. Don't feel you need to rush and do anything. Take your time. Ask questions here. Gradually things will settle into place and your life is going to go on and in the way of life it will continue to be a mix of good and not so good.
Best to you.
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Hi Reign and welcome to the forums.
Take a deep breath and take things slowly. I remember too well that feeling, as others have said in between sorting the doc out etc, try and read through the lessons section. They're very informative, but when you reach information overload take a break; and come back to them later. They're not going anywhere and you're not expercted tp learn everything in one go.
It may not seem so at the moment, but you have a future, and remember the virus doesn't have you, you have it and you can control it.
Don't hesitate to participate and/or ask questions, we're all here for you.
John
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Hello Reign- Welcome and where did you get your kid? I can live with being + but I will never have a child of my own so my family's bloodline ends with me. If you could call it lucky, you at least became + when there are better meds and a better life expectancy.
Billy
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Hey Reign,
I know that the feeling well,but you are such a special person.....everyyone IS!! You have made the first step in finding this forum. Much love and prayers!
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Hey Reign,
I'm new here too. I tested positive in March and the docs and social workers basically told me not to talk to anyone about it unless I am going to have sex with them. I can't even tell my Mom or brothers and sisters because they would not understand and I don't want to deal with that rejection. They don't need to know. That part sucks, but after reading alot of the posts on this forum, there seems to be alot of cool and supportive people here that I can talk to. I believe I was infected by a guy that I have been having sex with for years. I was under the impression that he wasn't stepping out but at this point, that has to be the only way I could have gotten the virus. I split with him about 3 years ago now and have been celebate since. So I was really shocked to learn too. I think I dealt with mine more by eating and sleeping alot.
Definitely go get tested and find out if you are indeed positive. That way you can find out if you need meds now or not. I hope the doctors and nurses you find are as cool as the ones that I have. They don't treat me like mud and are very caring and tell me that the virus isn't like what it used to be. The really good thing now, as someone else just said, is the meds are good. The meds can get you - and me - to where the virus is undetected and hopefully you and me can go on and live healthy long lives. The first thing my doctor told me was "I want you to start planning your retirement... because you are going to live a really long life." That was the coolest thing anybody could have said to me right at that moment.
I'm still at reasonably healthy levels but I will be starting HIV meds on Nov. 30th, my birthday. I was concerned about my pharmacy knowing and the nurse told me to just go somewhere out of town where nobody knows me and get them there. So I have alot of plans to do alot of things and I hope you can find that spark too. And if you havn't noticed, alot of people love you and hope to see you around and hear about what is happening with your little boy. And if you find out you aren't positive, come back and tell us that as well. XO
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Hello everyone. Thanks for all the messages and support, you guys are awesome. Just a little update, I'm still in a funk and I am trying to find some emotional support but I have no one to turn to and often end up crying myself to sleep alone. I went to the doctors on Friday and had all the bloodwork drawn, and I told my doctor I wanted to pick up the results and read them on my own.
Well I have them, and I know I need to open it soon, because I'm getting sicker everyday but after I open it up there is no turning back. The doctor and nurses where really nice but as someone who isn't all the way OUT i felt like some of the younger nurses who were my age where judging me and looking at me like I was damaged goods, which doesn't help much because that's how i feel.
Sorry I don't mean to turn this into a pity party but I wanted to be able to put my feelings somewhere. I can't rely on anyone who is in my life to be able to deal with this and my doctor told me to only disclose it to people i feel comfortable with. But I feel like everyone knows when they look at me.
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Hi Reign . I think you are very brave to come here and open up for the emotional support you need . I'm sorry times are so tough for you but perhaps coming here for support today can give you the strength to go ahead and open those lab results .
Maybe facing the fear of whats inside that envelope can be another step towards acceptance and getting better emotionally and physically . Thanks for the update !
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Thanks JG!! I'm really not that brave, but I've always known it to be easier to divulge your deepest secrets to complete strangers, rather than to people who know you. You guys don't know me yet your being very supportive, and not judging me for the mistakes i've made.
I have been looking at the envelope all day and its pointless because I cant change what it says regardless of what the outcome is. Yet I feel like I can delay it with the ol' "ignorance is bliss" theory
Thanks for the support guys!!!!!!!!!
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I must confess ... I have an agenda , I want you to open that letter and share it with us so that you can be armed with the power that comes with knowledge . That way you can keep yourself healthy and be there when I need you one day .
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Regardless of what the letter says you will carry on! So open the darn thing and get on with life! ;D
I know what you mean by feeling like everyone knows when they look at you... I felt the same way! The reality is it's in your head. However if you are sulking around and not acting like yourself you are projecting something is wrong and that's what they are noticing about you, not that you have HIV... For me, the sooner I figured that out and got back to my old self the sooner people stopped asking me "what's wrong, are you ok?"
I got good at covering my tracks at work by just saying "a friend died and I'm dealing with lots of emotion and stress, but thanks for your concern" Truth is most co workers do not want to know your business so they just gave me a pat on the back and said "we're sorry for your loss" and that was the end of it... From that point on if I looked like I was having emotional issues they already had an answer and left me alone.
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Reign,
You need to open that envelope. If I've read this thread correctly, so far you have only had the result of a rapid test. Rapid tests can sometimes yield false positive results.
It is quite possible that your envelope contains GOOD news - that the result of your confirmatory Western Blot test is negative, which would mean that you do NOT have hiv. It's every bit as possible as the worst-case scenario you're imagining.
So stop making yourself sick with stress and open the darn envelop already. Whether or not you open it is not going to change the outcome, so get it over with. You may be pleasantly surprised.
Ann
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So stop making yourself sick with stress and open the darn envelop already. Whether or not you open it is not going to change the outcome, so get it over with. You may be pleasantly surprised.
Just think, that envelop may contain your salvation.
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Reign, So much great advice here for you. You said you're feeling sicker every day....its probably from the stress. You have to open the letter. If you are pos, you can start making a plan on how you'll manage it. You may not need any treatment at all for some time. My diagnosis was a shocker too. I had been celibate for 4-5 years and was 56 years old. I felt so much better after meeting with an ID doctor and finding out exactly where I was at. We made a plan to get me on meds right away and I felt better knowing I was fighting the damn thing. Youre a businessman-take it on like a project, the most important project ever. Hang in there and remember we're here.
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My particular handle on despair when I was diagnosed (and to a lesser degree now) is to focus on the state of research. Great strides are being made. Imagine how foolish it would be for you, me, anyone to check out, only for scientists to announce they have found a cure two years from now. See my point? It will happen at some point, you will see.
I would suggest you also visit the Research News and Studies section of the forums ( http://forums.poz.com/index.php?board=9.0 ) or the HIV section of Sciencedaily ( http://www.sciencedaily.com/news/health_medicine/hiv_and_aids/ ) . You will find some encouraging threads and news there.
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Reign, you've already received some wise and loving responses. I just want to say that IF you in fact have conclusively tested positive, you and your life are about more than the HIV virus.
For sure your son needs his dad and always will. Fatherhood and parenting is forever. (That's the good and the bad news about that.) So take a breath and just keep going.
You are going to find a world of support here if in fact you are confirmed as being positive.
I envy you having a young son. It's the toughest and best job in the world being a dad. I miss when my guys were little. It was the best, best time. You don't want to miss out on that. And he needs to not miss out on you. Which includes your taking good care of yourself.
Keep us posted on how things are going.
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I too have just been tested positive and completely understand how you are feeling. It's only been a week or so since the results came back and my mind is possibly just starting to wrap itself around the idea of what this all will entail. I thought at the age of 45 that I was somehow immune to it and that I was one of the lucky ones. I have only told one very close friend and I feel even he looks at me differently now. At my lowest point I had to confide in someone. His best advice was not to tell my family right now. In retrospect of just over a week I believe that was a smart decision for me. I am not completely out but have not lived in a closet with closed doors either.
My doctor has been pretty much compassionate and supportive. He is an ID specialist here in NYC and pretty up there in age so he has seen the worst of it. When I asked him will they ever find a cure for this he said maybe not in his lifetime but definitely in mine. He followed that up by telling me that he takes up to four pills a day himself for his own ailments. I wonder if he knows how much that meant for me to hear as I was balling in his office.
This forum has been incredibly helpful in navigating through all of the information that I am naturally craving and need to find out. Although my numbers are quite good, a cdv4 over 500, he suggested I start on meds. I think that is the biggest mind screw. All of the different opinions and experiences that I have read about seem to confuse me more. His choices for me are Atripla or Truvada/Norvir/Prezista. He was concerned that Atripla might not be the best choice considering my state of mind. After reading a lot about the side effects and the personal experiences of those here who are taking it I might give it a try. I will decide by Wednesday.
All in all we have to go on. There are worse things to get. Give yourself time to think and heal and process. The muddy waters will clear and you will find the right path to shore. Keep the faith and stay tough.
Best...
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All in all we have to go on. There are worse things to get. Give yourself time to think and heal and process. Best...
Whenever I am having a pity party my compassionate mother before telling my how bad she has it says this, "There is always someone worse off than you". Doesn't do a bit of frickin' good at that moment, but in time I realize that she is right. Today someone will lose a child, someone will find out they have cancer and very little time. Is this easy no, but with our medication and a discipline to take care of ourselves testing positive now is nothing like it was 15-20 years ago. Good luck!
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Hi,
Simplest thing I can say is HIV is just a virus... yes it pretty much sucks to have it and worry about it but you will get through this. There will be a day in the not to distant future that you suddlenly realise you have not thought about your diagnosis for a couple hours, then a couple of days , then weeks. Soon it will become part of your routine to take the medication ( with any luck just the one pill a day) and like me you will find yourself looking at the calendar to see its time for a blood test and chuckling because you had all but forgotten why you had to go :)
Im not by any means trivialising this illness , it is hard and it is heartbreaking but being armed with the knowledge that there is medication and support and that you will live a near normal lifespan with good health, well its such a relief.
No one is looking at you..... you do not have a sign on your head no one is going to notice unless you tell them.
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Hey,
I was recently diagnosed as well at the end of october. Hit me very hard. In the begining HIV was on my mind constantly. It was all I could think about. 24/7 it would push itself to the front of my mind. It was intrusive. Each time I would think about it I felt shame. Complete shame. I posted on here as well and a lot of people shared with me how "things would get better."
They did, They are getting better each day. For me a big releif was finding a doctor that specialized in HIV. He really made a big difference. Instead of just telling me things would be ok and me not beleiving it he included me in my treatment decisions and was completely non judgemental. As far as your health goes I beleive it is important for you to find a doctor that speciaizes in hiv that your are comfortable with. One thing Ive already learned is that there are a lot of Dr appointments in the begininning ( and a lot of blood work).
My dr put me in touch with someone from a local HIV organization that provides support ect for people with HIV. I havent met her yet and I probably wont qualify for many services but I'm sure she would be able to direct me to appropriate counciling and support groups. While I too have only told one person in my life the health care team I have has taken away some of that feeling of being alone. Ask your dr what is avail. Good luck, Let me know if I can be of any hep
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Welcome to the forums, Reign. I'm sorry you need to be here, but I'm glad that you found us.
I'll keep my finger crossed that Ann is right and hope that your envelope contains "good news".
But, if it doesn't, I hope you'll allow yourself the time to come to an understanding of what being HIV+ means and what it doesn't mean. Above all, it doesn't mean that your life is over by any stretch of the imagination.
When I was diagnosed last year, fear was the biggest issue that I had to deal with. The fear came from not understanding what the future held and from my own ignorance of what HIV is. I cannot stress enough what a difference a few months make in understanding and learning how to deal with this bug. As many here have already promised, you will get through this. It just takes a bit of time. There are so many options available to help you to live a long and healthy life and to watch your child grow up and to continue to chase your own dreams.
I hope you will use the boards here to vent and rant and cry and complain and ask for advice and, eventually, to laugh (there are definitely a handful of characters out here! :P )
The link below is an excellent primer on HIV. Please take a few minutes and listen to what this doctor has to say about the virus. Then, take a deep breath, promise yourself that you will get through this, and open your envelope. ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7-sPkWn03o (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7-sPkWn03o)
~ Z
edited to fix the link that is now broken in this thread: http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=35144.0 (http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=35144.0)