God, Help Me

[Buckmark]

Alll I can feel is so very alone, and I have felt this way for as long as I can remember, that I cannot imagine feeling any other way.  As much as I  have begged for God's help...  as much as I have talked about this with friends and family...  as much as I have tried to change...  as much as I have worked with therapists and psychologists and psychiatrists...  as much as I have tried various medications...  all that remains that I am alone.  And I can only foresee a future where I am alone, which is honestly how I have felt ever since I can remember.  I used to believe that I could work past this some day.  I am sure I will continue to try.  But it just seems to be beyond possiiblity.  How do I come to accept that?  I realize this probably comes across as an uber-dramatic.  I don't believe it has much to do with me being HIV+.  It is just something about me.  I know there's not much anyone can say here to help -- I have to help myself.  I just had to express this.  Please say prayer for me.

Thanks,

Henry

[Ithaca_Nights]

I will put you on my prayer list.
Hugs, Dan

[mjmel]

I am so sorry about this, Henry. I know you are having a time of it. Wish I knew exactly what to say ..... or do.
Feel so helpless since you're all the way over there in the vast land.
I know your hurt.

Mike M

[Dragonette]

Hi Henry,

You're one of the kindest most onsightful users I have come across in this board, how can you feel alone when you have such an ability to understand and connect with others?... We are all alone. But all together too (I don't mean just poz people). Does it make sense? Here's praying for you to enjoy life, despite being alone, there are many good things and moments...

[PaulinNJ]

Henry;

Sometimes meds screw with your thought processes. Personally, I have brain farts and CRS ('Can't Remember Shit). As another poster replied, we are ALL alone yet we are all connected, poz or not. I know it's a helpless feeling on a long-term basis when you feel like you're dragging your ass through life on a daily basis without forethought or purpose.

You said you live near Austin and have been to psychiatrists etc. - are you on meds? Sometimes anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds can work initiallly then turn the tables on you. Plus as you know, there are good docs and bad ones.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE despite what you might feel. Don't give up hope, please. Have FAITH hat God has a plan for you - and it's OK to be angry with God ( "Smite me, oh Mighty Smiter!!!" - Jim Carrey in BRUCE ALMIGHTY). We all feel to greater and lesser degrees what you are feeling.

I could list suggestions (i.e. find a group to vent with and for mutual support as I did for poz survivors of childhood sexual abuse or a group with some common interests like hiking - it doesn't have to be a poz group and any disclosure about your status is up to you unless you trip across someone you like and things get intimate).

I could go on, but know you are in a lot of people's prayers and we're rooting for you! Grab the world by the balls and get out there and have some fun - go see a movie with a friend or go to Six Flags...anything to make you laugh, whatever that may be, is a good thing (Sorry, Martha!)

Best to you and I'm sending you big hugs!
Paul

[Nadine]

Awww Henry...hang in there sweetie! 

(((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))))

[aztecan]

Hey Henry,

I am sending lots of positive energy your direction. Remember you are a special guy .

BIG HUGS,

Mark

[Jeffreyj]

Hang in there man, allot of us are alone. I have been alone since 1999 my wife passed away.

I will never give up i think it's fun trying to meet that special someone.

Never say never. One never knows what lays ahead.

[Dan J.]

((((((((((((((((Henry)))))))))))))))

I wish there is something that I could say or do to help you feel better.

You are on my prayer list.

 

Dan

[PaulinNJ]

I couln't resist that tagline in the subject even though it probably wants to make you puke.

WOW! Henry! It's Saturday morning (my partner's still snoring - that's why I ws up at 5 AM!) and a lot of people are just hovering over their morning coffee here on the east coast, yet look at the responses you've garnished in a few hours!

Man, you got it going on! I'm happy to see the support coming your way - it counts!

Big big hugs,
Paul

[bear60]

I am sending you a big (((((((((((((Hug))))))))))))))).

[tucker]

Hey! I am new here, and have been having a hard time myself... but a few things have helped me keep my sanity, and I thought maybe they were worth sharing with you.  1) focus on relationships you HAVE, all ready.  We all lack certain things we want, and focusing on them keeps you from focusing on the things and people you have in your life at the moment.  Build the relationships you have with your friends and family, and remind yourself how blessed and lucky you are to have THEM, instead of longing for the elusive 'life partner' or whatever it is you are looking for.  2)EXERCISE!  Even just going out for a short walk every day, to take in, and notice, and appreciate all the beauty of the world around you.  This helps me, A LOT!  Just the privilege, and ability to walk is a gift that some people don't have.  Again, it goes back to focusing on the things you DO have, instead of the things you want, but lack.  3) VOLLUNTEER!  Go to nursing homes, and read to people, or even just sit with them and watch TV, and just have pleasant conversation.  I got a deep sense of purpose, and felt my life had some meaning, by giving service to others. (it started by visiting my grandmother often, and I realized how much I was getting out of making her happy and brightening her last years on earth)  Work in a soup kitchen, pick up trash along a water way, deliver for meals on wheels... There are SO many ways you can put your talents to work to help other people, and it feels GREAT, you meet people, and it takes the focus off of 'poor me, and all the problems I have'
             I know I know nothing about you, your life, and your situation... so I hope this wasn't too presumptuous.  These are just my tactics for keeping the blues at bay... I also try to remember life has no guarantees.  No one is promised a white picket fence and husband who loves them... or a healthy life span to 105, or a house at the beach, or parents who love them... It's a mixed bag for everyone... you just have to learn to play the cards you are dealt with as much humor, grace, love, and appreciation as you can muster.  It's hard, but it works... it truly is about accentuating the positive. (no pun intended!)

[wishihadacat]

The thought of growing old and being alone is everyone's worst nightmare. You have my prayers too. You'll find someone.

[BT65]

Dearest Henry,

I also wish I knew the magic words to say to you for you to feel better.  I always, always enjoy reading your posts.  I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. {{{HUGS}}}
Peace-
Betty

[joemutt]

I wish you strength and companionship. Joe

[Buckmark]

I am extremely, extremely grateful for all of your responses, and your support, and your caring.  I guess I am really not completely alone.  But it sure feels that way sometimes.  I did have a bit of a meltdown when I posted this last night.  But I will pick myself up and dust myself off.  And I regret if it seemed overly dramatic, but I just had to get those feelings out.

Hugs,

Henry

[dingowarrior]

hi Henry,
I wont get into to much about you feeling down. Please believe me when we tell you,we have all been there,whether its HIV related or just the drama of life in general.
I know that HIV just adds to the static of life.
However, today,thank GOD for modern medicine,we all can live productive normal lives.This bug thing seems to mess with ones head sometimes more than anything else.
Take your meds(if you need to to at this time) keep your head up,( I know you will have times when you simply cant do that) cry if you have to,get it out of your system for the moment,and pick yourself up and move on.
It doesnt rain forever,your sun will shine again..YOU have HIV,HIV doesnt have you!
I know that may sound corny, but its fact..Stay strong and think about the good things in life,whether its family friends,or a hobby you love..Smile and know that your bigger than this freakin bug.
Its tough, but show this thing your mind and heart are tougher.When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade!
 

dingowarrior

[Iggy]

Henry,

Your post sends chills into me because I could have written those words myself not too long ago.

I know first hand what it feels lke to feel alone regardless of actually being physically alone or among people who love you.  Words from others can mean a great deal, but us telling you that you are not alone is only part of the process for you being able to see beyond your sense of isolation from not just others, but just the flow of the world.

There is no answers for the rest of us to provide, but to remind you that you are wanted as a part of not just group but among those in your daily life - whether you see it this moment or not.  I don't know if you are seeing a therapist, but I suggest that if not, you need to - if only to have a dedicated time and place in your life for someone to help you one on one with your feelings.

I'm gonna send you some additional thoughts via pm, but know through all these postings on this thread, Henry that we all stand with you and for you.

Mark

Modified: As I was posting, I see that you posted a follow-up.  Don't apologize for the tone of your original opost - it takes bravery (not drama) to admit publicly that which we are most afraid of.

[Cliff]

Hi Henry,

I'm praying for you!  And please don't regret what you said.  It wasn't drama.

Cliff

[milker]

Yeah it's difficult to be alone.. Maybe try the non-hookup personals sites? Also look in the gay papers there are meetings of all sorts, you could meet people there, play cards, line dance, anything

Hugz 

Milker.

[John2038]

What ever is our condition, I'm 100% convinced that anyone can find his soulmate.

I can't believe the contrary is possible, at least cause so many people feel the same at the same time.
It's just a matter of luck to meet your special one, but anyone can force his destiny.

I made this experience during the last holiday..

[Robert]

hey henry.....

check out the dude in the cowboy hat.  And the other 2 dudes as well. 

I just love this picture.  I see friends who have made my world a little warmer.

thoughts coming your way.

robert

[PaulinNJ]

Whaddya know? I toldja so! People just had to brew their morning java and log on and BAM - before you know it, there's all sorts of posts supporting you! And don't apologize for reaching out - EVER! That's what this forum is all about! We ALL have our moments and it ain't drama - in our case, it's reality biting. Leave the drama to the drama queens who have nothing better to do. Hey, from what I see, you posted around 3 AM - prime time for feeling alone. Don't be afraid to have another moment any time...and don't apologize for them. I read some great suggestions here from other posters so sometimes all we need is a good swift kick (lovingly!) in the butt to snap out of it. When I get to that point and don't want to necessarily socialize (i.e. at 3 AM) I watch a brainless movie...hey, there's a 'new topic' for us posters! What's your favorite brainless movie??? Watch for it!
Lotsa hugs your way!
Paul

[northernguy]

Henry, I can only echo what Dragonette said.  I've always found your posts to be full of good common sense and enjoy reading them.  You're not alone, hang in there!

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Hi Henry~

I can totally relate to what you're feeling, but you KNOW things will change for you.  Looking back on 2007, it was the worst year of my life, and challenges and misfortune just kept coming my way.  I lost love, and emotionally I felt very alone.  I also lost my job and almost lost my sense of being, in the process.

So what did I do?  I took my dog to the local hiking trail and we hiked and I cleared my mind on many days, with no one else around.  As far as love, I dated and kissed a lot of toads, and told myself that if I never loved again it would be OK.  I can't believe that I thought that! 

I spent lots of time with family and I pushed myself to keep dating, even though I felt nearly worthless.  I had no one to talk to about personal things, all I had was myself, my own best friend.

Henry, I have come so far since last winter, and I feel that things will change for you too.  I would always say to myself, "No one will know I exist unless I try...."  There is strength in numbers and in being social.  Push yourself to do it, but be easy on yourself and learn to grow a thick skin if you haven't already. 

I think God may surprise you. 

~ Cindy   

[Assurbanipal]

Henry

I've read a lot of posts from you over the past few months and they are usually a mixture of the meditative and the actively helpful. We all hope you can see from the messages on this thread that you have a built network of support and connection here.  We are here for you, and on your side.

Many of us have experienced similar thoughts and feelings and several have suggested ideas.  I don't in any way want to trivialize this, but what has worked for me in the past has been to set a goal to create, build or renovate something tangible that I could see and touch.  Build a house, repair a wall, make a quilt, paint a building . . .And if the act of building / renovating etc involves a group so much the better.  

Wishing you well

Assurbanipal
  

[dvinemstre]

hi henry, i too have felt "alone" for most of my life and being poz has not remedied that one, ha. I think the worst fear for me is not dying alone but dying without living...having said that, it seems to me that those of us who have FOUND the island of misfit toys needs to shine a light for those adrift. surround yourself by people who you love and who love you...it will come to you. I believe the universe is abundant and full...and i claim that. much love and hugs to you, from the one armed, one eyed,legless doll on the island of misfit toys...zan

[pozguy75]

Henry, I understand what you mean.

I am not going to "hijack" this, but I need to relate to you by sharing something with you. Growing up I felt that I was the only one like me: gay. In my my school years, that feeling was reinforced with the taunting and teasing from other kids. What's more is the media and what felt like the whole world, was admonishing the person I was becoming.

Every where I looked I saw that who I was, was an outsider looking in. It felt to me, that the only way I could "fit in" was to become something/someone I wasn't. I dove into theater and started acting. It was just so easy to compartmentalize who I was into some locked room in the back of my psyche. It gave the appearance that I fit with the crowd.

I was able to operate like that for a few years...until one day I realized, that I didn't need the approval of the world...I only needed my own. It was that moment that I started being true to me. You know, that proverb: "to thine own self be true..." well, truer words were never spoken. Then HIV came into my life, and for a bit I relived the same feelings of loneliness. It's taken me three years to begin to understand that I am not alone.

Henry, you are not alone either. We are here for you, when you want/need us. We are all here together!!

I will be happy to stand "alone" right along with you!

Take care my friend!

[minismom]

Henry, I just logged in and read your post.  Please know that you are in our prayers and thoughts also.

Mum and Mini

[englishgirl]

henry
you beautiful lovely silly man please dont feel alone - you are so, so special and wonderful and we are lucky to have you in our lives.
i was so priviledged to have that evening talking with you last year in san fran, but because of that i know that you have struggled with these feelings for many years. i wish you could see yourself as others see you.
hoping you find the belief in yourself and love of yourself that you are worthy of.
you are not alone. most of us feel exactly as you do.
love you
xxxx

[lucas clay]

Henry
You have made me feel better so many times when i was down.
I enjoyed the time i spent chatting with you at amg.
I wish we lived closer as i would like nothing better to cruse on the motorcycles with you. stop for coffee and chat.
PM me anytime as i will not hesitate to PM you when i need a lift


                                                            your friend
                                                                             Lucas

[komnaes]

Dear Henry

I hope you're already feeling better. If I have learned anything as a person for a last few years is that being alone and feeling lonely, they are not the same thing. Don't let the fear of loneliness consumes you.

Big hugs, Shaun

[heartforyou]

Oh Henry,


You are not alone. Although I can relate very well to what you said and what others did say.

I am going though that "loneliness" with my therapist right now.
Starting to realise that, yes, we are all alone because we are individuals. Different individuals.

I always though of myself of being an outsider, a stranger. Looking in to "the others world" made me sad, because I felt i did not belong there.
Through therapy I start to realise that everyone can be a stranger, if you consider different strange. We are all alone together Henry.

You see  how many people here have come and said they care. That is genuine.

In my loneliness I tell you " I am alone withe you.
Love

herman

[mjmel]

itsybitsy hijack:

WOW, Herman!
 
Mike M

[Buckmark]

Again, I am really humbled by all of your responses, and grateful for your help.  I'm feeling better today.  And you've all given me some "take aways" to think about, and work on.  One of those being:  how do I "let my guard down" with other people.  I'm pretty good at socializing (I think), but being around people doesn't mean I feel close to them.  Some of that is about seeking approval, and fear of rejection (the former of which is fleeting, and the latter of which is just sometimes an inevitable fact of life). 

Also, interestingly, I am / was somewhat hesitant to post another response, and "bump up" this thread again.  it is so far from my nature to draw attention to myself.  Perhaps something else I should think about.  I'm going to have a lot to talk about at my next session with my therapist on Wednesday morning. 

I hope that some day I repay all of the support you've given me.

Hugs,

Henry

[thunter34]

Henry,

I just saw this thread a little bit ago.  Have been trying to formulate a post or perhaps a PM in response.  Just wanted you know I get where you're coming from and I'm always a PM or a phone call away if you really need.

I will say this, though, for what it's worth - and I know you aren't fishing for any stroke of ego or such, but this would merit saying of you absent this thread, so please accept it independently just because now is as good a time as any to say so:

Most people here know I have a soft spot in my heart for ya, Henry.  You endeared yourself to me early on around here, and meeting you in person in San Francisco only solidified every high estimation I had of you.  You're among that increasingly rare breed of genuinely "good" individuals, and I count myself quite priviledged to know you. 

So there ya have it.

Oh, and hesitance to bump your thread is bullshit. 

Yours,

Tim Hunter

[Jody]

Dear Henry...The really sweet, kindly, gentle man under the cowboy hat that many of us got to know a little better in San Francisco deserves all the happiness and fulfillment life has to offer.  And you are that person!!!

Keep on truckin'

Jody

[PaulinNJ]

I suspected as much - that is the number of responses you would get! You're a pretty popular guy and apparently never truly alone. I am not trivializing here - we all have those times...I could go on about what a dumper my life is going through right now, but something (can't put a finger on what) tells me there's better day ahead. Maybe you should print this whole thread out and bring it to therapy this Tuesday. I've missed a month or so of mine and look forward to getting back in February (my therapist is away). It's given ME a lift to see what GOOD people there are 'out there'. Keep on keepin' on, Henry!
Big hugs,
Paul

[komnaes]

I suspected as much - that is the number of responses you would get! You're a pretty popular guy and apparently never truly alone.

Yes, this man is well loved. Just look at that lovely face..

[AlanBama]

Henry,

As someone else already said, I wish you could see yourself the way others see you.   You have so much to give.   I'm sorry you feel so alone.   Seek comfort by helping someone else....you'll be amazed at how it works. You have such a kind and caring nature, you always give good and thoughtful responses to forum members, and you have so much to give.

Be thankful for all that you have...gratitude can be a lot of solace to me.   When I'm feeling down and blue, I try to remember how many friends I have, and how much they care about me, and how blessed I am to be alive and fairly well, to see another new year.

I hope you have better days ahead.

Love & hugs,

Alan