POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: tigger2376 on May 12, 2007, 10:57:09 pm
-
This is a duplicate of something I posted on the womens forum, and it was suggested I should also put it here. Things have been going great recently..and then 2nite, I get a phone call from the son I gave up for adoption 25 years ago..I was a baby, 15. I've always been on the national adoption register so he could find me but that was BV (before virus).
If I tell him my status I risk rejection, and I may hurt him very badly b4 we've even started. BUT how can I lie? Don't get me wrong..I'm hardly likely to follow up a very emotional call with 'oh by the way I'm HIV positive', but what do I do? If he wants to become part of my life, which he says he does, how can I keep it from him, or should I?
-
This is your son.. It is also a time where he is trying to reconnect with his Mom... I do not think if I were you, would I bring up the subject until you have come to know your son over a span of time. After all it has been 25 years now. I do not think you will be leaving the planet anytime soon. Give it time honey... Get to know your Son..
Hugs,
Eric
-
Thank goodness! I was tapping my little foot over here staring at the Positive Women's Forum, wanting to post! My answer to this is simple. Actually, it's more of a question: Why is it you feel you need to spill the beans about the HIV so suddenly out of the gate? Honey, honey, honey....listen to Timberly. I'm not saying you have to lie or keep secrets from him, but you've got every right to take the time that you need. Everybody's life has some rotten crap in it, and I highly doubt he intends to come forth with his worst at meeting one. Focus on the joyous stuff and let the crap take it's rightful place at the back. Let it come forth in its own time.
Dammit, this stupid virus claims enough from us. Do not let it march right in and stand between the two of you at the outset! I say focus on the YOU...not the virus. It sounds to me like an incredible event is presenting itself. You've kept yourself on the register, so it sounds to me like you've always wanted this to be a possibility. To hell with letting HIV put a shadow on this blessing! Fuck HIV!
Sorry if I am ranting, and I hope this somehow helps a bit.
-
I second that
when I was diagnosed in 84 I didn't tell my sons until I become hospitalized in 96
killed me to do it but I felt I had to then
-
My thinking is that you may eventually want to discuss it, but that eventually could be weeks, months or years from now.
I'm not saying don't bring it up, but I am suggesting that you not worry about it at this point - I think the emotional burden is already too great for both of you in just meeting and feeling each other out so to speak.
I do wish you best of luck though in your first meeting,
-
Tigger - You are not morally obligated to tell your son because your HIV status is not a direct or indirect health risk to him. It really is that simple. Later, when you come to know what kind of person he is, you can decide if you want to risk the rejection that disclosure might cause.
Live a long and happy life,
-David
-
Tigger, I think it's great for both you and your son that he is interested in re-connecting with you. And that doesn't mean that it will all be easy and lovey-dovey. As you get to know each other it's inevitable that a mix of feelings will come up as they do in any relationship, and certainly especially between a parent and child who were separated long ago in what I am guessing were emotion-laden circumstances.
I see this as a great opportunity for you two. As others have said there's absolutely no rush for you disclose your HIV status. He may have all kinds of questions as will you for him. HIV status is by no means at the front of the line there.
The important thing is for you two to just get to know each other. Good luck with extraordinary opportunity that's come your way.
-
Tiggy!
Wow there are other things than HIV in life. And WOW this one is a BIG One! Do you ask everyone you meet if they are sick? :D
Babe, I doubt that he will knock at the door, hug you, and ask if you have some kind of health disorder :D
The question may arise later, if he wants to know if there are things about his health that he should know, if there are risk for diabetes in the family, heart problems, for example, for his own health or his children's. HIV is not a genetic disease, you don't even have to disclose there either. It's your son, not your Doctor, the relationship is different :) You have plenty of time!
Now that phone call must have been a shock :)
Milker (who do not expect a son to call)
-
Do not rush..............if you disclose to early your status to him it could provoke an ".............oh , I`m loosing her again " type of reaction ...............just give yourself a time to know each other better.
My 2 cc
Al
-
If he wants to become part of my life, which he says he does, how can I keep it from him, or should I?
Tigger,
First, I think it's cool that your son gave you a call after 25 years and wants to get to know you. That was probably a huge deal for him and I imagine it took a great deal of courage and a leap of faith. What a great Mother's Day present for you!
If I were in your position I would leave sharing the health news till after you've had a good while to get to know each other. Let him get to know the other parts of you first. After all, HIV may be a big part of your life now, but it's not the sum total of who you are.
Daniel
-
Tigger,
You must be going through an emotional blender right now, so must your son. Obviously you've both decided to move ahead and decide to get to know each other better and this is bound to be a 'bitter sweet' experience for both of you.
Whatever the outcome; and if you both have the will it can only be a favourable one, enjoy it and savour each step. Hopefully as things progress your HIV status will just become another one of the exciting :-\ discoveries that you make about one another.
I just hope for both of you that all the other revelations are a lot happier.
Regards, John. XX
-
Hey Tigger:
If you haven't checked the women's forum yet, check it. Myself and Dragonette posted something there for you! :-*
Peace-Betty
-
:o hey tigger, just a thought here, but in my life, everything happens for a reason.
has the thought ever occured to you that he might be positive as well. certainly not out of the realm of possibilities, right?
get to know him and find out why he has choosen to reach out to you first. who knows what the reason is, but like everyone else who posted, it took a great deal of courage for him to do so. rejoice that your prayers were answered and then hug the shit out of him.
i'm sure you will know when the time is right for disclosing. until then, savor the moment.
kellyspoppi
-
Hi Tigger
I replied to your post in the "Positve Women" thread..it pretty much says what has already been said by the other guys here.
Just enjoy the time you will have with your son..I don't think there is any need to worry about anything else at this stage.
Hugs
Jan :-*
-
I must admit that this is a beautiful story. Tiggy keep us informed about this, not everyone can experience something like this. If you want to share, it would be great.
Milker.
-
Tigger,
I have four children all in their twenties. I know how difficult it is to tell them you are positive. My opinion is all in good time. Do it when you are ready. If you are not comfortable with the situation neither will he be. It is great that he wants to have a relationship with him. Take time to develop that. You will know when the time is right. I do agree with you that you should not lie about it. But you do not have to disclose everything at once either.
Good luck on your first meeting, take it slow, get to know each other. I will be thinking positive things for you.
Peter
-
I have two children in early 20s and have not told them against all expert advice. I actually had one therapist tell me the reason my one daughter was anorexic was because she sensed in here subconscious that my wife and I were hiding something from her and thus the anorexia gave her a feeling of control. Where do they think this shit up? These people actually go to college and get degrees so can charge money for making shit like this up.
Its different for everyone, I chose not to. Kids have enough problems each day without dealing with mine.
-
Firstly...thankyou. Its strange that after my mum/partner and best mate I came here. I was so blown away, I wanted to both share the joyful bit and admit that I was bloody terrified!!! i've always had my name on the list thats available to trace me, but I guess I'd mostly given up hope I'd ever hear from Dan. Of course, your'e right, I won't be disclosing anytime soon...it still feels so new/awkward/amazing/frightening all that can wait..if ever neccessary.
I've got a LONG letter from my son, filling in the gaps, with loads of pictures, still taking it all in but at the moment feeling very hopeful. will keep you all up to date...and thankyou so much, my other family
xxxx
-
Just an update again in this forum so all can reply if they wish to. I met my son last wednesday...small words but jesus what an experience. Its obviously early days but he holds no resentment against me for his adoption, and I've been VERY lucky. His adoptive parents have always told him hes adopted and how loved he is, both by them and me, a very fair and unusual attitude. He looks like me, poor sod, and is tall and very bright. Its funny, hes a maths teacher and grad and I've the mathmatical ability of a brick! I think he'll keep in touch as hes also told me I'm a grandma (at 40 god i feel old, but very proud). We had a coupla wonky moments when he asked what I do for a living. I just said I have horrible arthritis, (true) and am trying to go back to college in Sept so moment passed. I feel this year has very much been a defining one for me and its amazing to get this chance. For the first time since diagnosis I really feel I'm on my way. I'm not expecting the world from Dan but its yet more closure...my past can be something to celebrate too!!
Thanks again to EVERYONE really dont think I could have handled it so weel without the help
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
-
This must have been an amazing experience.. not only you get your son back but you have grand children!!!!!!!! This is great :)
Milker.