Depression hits and I just wanna stop the Meds

[BubbaPat]

I’m gonna post here… don’t know if it will get moved or deleted but I feel the need to at least “put it out there in the universe’ and see where it goes

My topic…I know… it’s a stupid concept and yet it still pops up in my brain from time to time when i have an extremely crappy time of things.

This week, my brother died.  He had finally gone in the hospital due to his daughter’s nagging and found out that his cancer was back. Even though they first thought ths new treatment might help, they were still sure it wasn’t gonna stop it this time. 
So what happened… my brother gave up.

I don’t hat him for it.  I know cancer can be crappy.  It was just the process of talking to him on Friday, he falls fast on Saturday and then I'm with him when he takes his last breath on Sunday.  And yes.. I'm literally holding my older brother's hand as he passes away.

Go though the week of putting it out there on Facebook and getting all the condolences and posts of "if you need me" but what I wanted, other than him alive and well, was a friend to actually call me or text me.

Silence.

I know it's selfish.  I get that.  I'm a brat for wanting someone who I considered friend to call me.  I've called people when their family passed.  Am I just that pushy jerk in people's lives that they just put up with?  That's what I feel.

At that point, I'm thinking, why am I trying so hard to stay alive?  I talk my meds for both HIV and depression but for what?  If I stop the meds… who knows when anything would happen?  I could literally save THOUSANDS of dollars that I could go ahead and pay for my cremation service as well as pay someone to dump my ashes somewhere.

I know it's stupid.  I still have family that cares for me as well as a husband that loves me.  I just thought I had friends who cared to.  Now I just keep thinking "was I that shitty of a friend?"

With regard to my family…. I really don't want to be burden to the younger ones, especially my niece.  That is why I amy at least laying out a letter with a plan of what needs to happen when I DO die.  I don't want her to go through what she did with my brother.  Plus my husband swears he's going first.  Also.. knowing my family's health stubbornness….I’ll be here a while… meds or no meds.

In my youth and coming out days… I thought I had friends that I’d be friends with all the way to the Old Folks home.  Slowly I’m realizing that those were lies I told myself.  If my husband does go first… I’m not gonna let my family go through what they did with my brother.

Sorry to rant..I just needed to get this out of my system  I find it therapeutic to put thoughts out there other than just my journal.  Even if its a stranger… just hearing encouragement from anyone helps.

[fabio]

I'm really sorry for your loss...I can't imagine what pain it is to lose a brother,I wouldn't be able to withstand the pain of that myself. And let me tell you something,do not apologise for speaking out about something you are feeling. We might not know each other or are close friends but life has brought us something in common and we ought to support each other,even through text.
When it comes to friends they truly come and go. Some just don't know what happens on our lives or are too busy to keep up with us,some just don't care. However,you shouldn't blame yourself for others not caring about something really tragic that came your way.
One final thing,because I don't want to be tiring. Please don't think about things like death. Like you said there are many people that need you,including your niece,your husband,your family and,yes, even me,us here.

[Tonny2]

I'm really sorry for your loss...I can't imagine what pain it is to lose a brother,I wouldn't be able to withstand the pain of that myself. And let me tell you something,do not apologise for speaking out about something you are feeling. We might not know each other or are close friends but life has brought us something in common and we ought to support each other,even through text.
When it comes to friends they truly come and go. Some just don't know what happens on our lives or are too busy to keep up with us,some just don't care. However,you shouldn't blame yourself for others not caring about something really tragic that came your way.
One final thing,because I don't want to be tiring. Please don't think about things like death. Like you said there are many people that need you,including your niece,your husband,your family and,yes, even me,us here.

Also



My dear friend, I’m also sorry for your loss…it’s ok to keep fighting when I’ll like we have been doing and your brother did, it is also ok to let go and respect your brother’s deduction to give up. At least you were there  with him.

You have virtual friends, even I don’t know you in person, everytime  I read your replies to my posts, you always make my day amigo…hugs

[J.R.E.]

 
So what happened… my brother gave up.

Go though the week of putting it out there on Facebook and getting all the condolences and posts of "if you need me" but what I wanted, other than him alive and well, was a friend to actually call me or text me.

Sorry to hear about your brothers passing. Not knowing the complete details of your brothers cancer, It would be difficult for me to say that he " Gave Up" .  You did say, that he did try some treatment.

I think there comes a point in all our lives, when reality sets in, that's it time to go. And it's difficult for surviving friends or family members to understand that. Once again not knowing how long your brother had cancer, and what type of cancer, or how aggressive that cancer was. , or was the cancer so severe, that ultimately he knew the outcome, and he also knew that treatment was not working.

Anytime I had to deal family or friends of someone passing, I would do it by phone. Don't be too hard on anyone not posting back to you. Often more times than not, some people simply don't know what to say.

I have attended plenty of funerals and Memorial services in my life, ... This is where I find that most people will show their condolences, even if it is just a few words or a hug.


Loosing a family member or a very close friend is very difficult, especially when you are with that person to the very end.

It is emotionally draining and and can put many into a state of depression.

My advice is to remember your brother as he was. Remember the times you shared, whether they were good or or not so good. 

Was there a funeral, or memorial service, or is this still on the planning stage. You may find it very emotional, and at the same time therapeutic, for you to give a Eulogy. I have done a eulogy twice in my close to 70 years, and it can be difficult but allows for you to have closure, and say what you want to say.

I know there is not much I can say to give you comfort, the only thing I can say is to allow yourself time, and to be strong.

I also thought , that for most part, that many of my friends I had I would have for the rest of my life. But unfortunately, I also found out life doesn't always work out that way.

Most of the friends I knew, I out survived them. many of them have passed on. Other friends wrote me off  years ago, when I came out as gay. New friends and acquaintances, have come into both my and my partners life. 

There's more I want to say to you, so I will write a little more later on. This is in regards to the importance of having a Will,  Healthcare surrogate,  Advance Directives ( Living Will ), and Power of Attorney.

Have you ever had a serious conversation with you niece, on the above.

And please don't give up and think about stopping you medications. You know as well as I do the importance of taking these medications. And I will be completely honest with you,  There have been at least 2 times, when I thought of stopping my medications,... And it took me less then 10 minutes to get out of that mindset. I watched too many of my friends die, that didn't have the option of HIV medication. 


Really sorry for you loss..

Ray 

 

[J.R.E.]

Bubba,

I just read what I had posted to you, and I want you to know, That I really do care about you, and your state of mind. Putting things on a printed page for me, can at times be difficult, especially when it comes to situations like this, but I do care, as I am sure others do as well. So I Hope that you do have a close relative, friend, or someone you really trust to help you through this as well.


Take care of yourself---Ray

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

I wish I could be of more assistance, but I am not sure that I can be asides from saying I am here, and if you need someone to talk with, let me know.

Sorry to hear about your brothers passing, and I wish you strength during this time.

Jim.

[BubbaPat]

Thank you Fabio, Tonny, Ray and Jim.

I knew posting here would help some and your kind words have done so.

My brother's passing, while painful, I can understand.  For him, he didn't like any kind of spotlight and being sick would have brought that.  He gave up because he knew that even lucky, he wouldn't have long and I know that he just didn't want us go through that pain of watching him decline.  It hurst but I respect him and love him for it.

I realize friends come and go... at least I tell myself that.  It's just that when people that I considered friends had family pass... I made it a point to show up for the funeral or to reach out directly... sometime with simply "I care. I love you."

I'm selfish because I wanted that in return.  I thought "I've been there for you!!"  Many times.  And to get a "heart" on Facebook.... I'm like WHAT??  These were people I grew up with, we started contacting one another gain through facebook and even phone calls.  Now I realize it was when THEY needed something.  When THEY needed a voice that was on their side.  When they needed someone to say the words "it's gonna be alright."

I'll let you know.... a few years back, I was seriously contemplating ending it.  I was thinking of how and where.  I didn't want to do it in my home because that would be too traumatic for my husband.  I knew it was all stupid but the weight of the world at that time was getting to be too much.  I called three friends that I knew were close, not across the country, and just said i'm down and needed to talk.  The first one told me he didn't have time for this and would call me later.  He did... when he was half way into his 3 hour drive to my town AND it was over a month later.  The second friend I called said, you're being whiney... I don't want to deal with that right now, I'll have to get back to you.  He never did.  The third friend, he tends to be about himself a lot in conversations, but I called just the same.  His response was "Okay, I can tell your in a mood.  Enough about me.  Talk to me.  What's up?"  I sugar coated everything but still got some of it out.  Even that helped.  Yes... he can still be self absorbed but I don't care.  HE, of all the people I could have called, heard the pain in my voice and made the choice to listen.  It meant the world to me and even when I have dark thoughts... I remember that call.  Real friends can surprise you.

This time just hurt.  I'd been there for others and I get a Heart on Facebook.  No calls. No texts.  Not even a personal message saying wish they could be there for me.  I did get a lot of messages from friends who were high school people I knew but we "connected" back on Facebook.  Anytime I saw one of them post something sad... I felt the need to write out words and let them know they are loved.  When my brother passed...they all did the same for me.  It was overwhelming to bring me that kind of joy.

At the same time, it was an inadvertent punch in the gut that my "friends" didn't even do that.  That's when I went down a rabbit hole of "what did I do?"  I pulled myself out of it for the most part but it stills like a driving down a muddy road trying not to get stuck.

I know that I'll get out of it at some point.  I didn't want to go onto Facebook and post anger because of my despair but instead came here and posted my pain.  Thank you guys for dealing with me and responding and letting me know it WILL be okay.

I was kinda scared because I've had some nasty comments in the past due to other things I've said which makes me NOT want to come on here.  It's just that I live in the Dallas area and we this LGBTQ+ resource center that seems to focus on kids coming out and HIV testing.  I haven't seen any groups for support.. So I come here from time to time.

Tony, you always amaze me.  You are a ray of sunshine that fills me with joy.  It's like I can feel you smile all the way here in Texas.  Fabio/Ray...You don't know me and yet you took the time to write meaningful, heartfelt worlds.  I can't thank you enough.  Jim... I know you're here to keep things running but I've always noticed that you've taken extra steps to make people feel better.   I know when I see you write pretty much anything, there is going to be a positive part to it.

Thank you guys!  You helped me today.  I'm going to actually do my best to be productive today and it's because of y'all's words.  Again... thank you!  Bubba hugs from Texas.
Patrick

[fabio]

How are you doing now Patrick? I'm glad we helped even if it's just a little. Like I said above,we have something that connects us all and we ought to support each other. Stand strong Patrick,you're not alone.

[Tonny2]

        ojo.         My sunshine bubbapat…you are a nice human being. Again, I’m sorry about your brother giving up, but it was his deduction.

I remember when I was living with AIDS (94-2000), in one of my countless “visits” to the hospital being so sick, one of the nurses, who I knew, asked me if it wasn’t easier to give up, she used to take care of me many times when sick in the hospital, I told her, maybe you are right, I just should give up, but I told her, you see that lady sitting in that chair?, when she gives up, I might also do it, -that lady was my mother and she, after 27 years, has been fighting with me and hasn’t giving up, now, she is 87 years young and still, after 27 years of fighting, is always there for me…maybe, if she weren’t with me, I would have done the same your brother did, because, I went through a lot of pain, you name it, pancreatitis, vasculitis, neuropathy even I’m legally blind due to CMV RETINITIS, I could’ve quit fighting or just to stop making my family seeing me suffering, because I know they were suffering too…anyway, keep fighting and we are here for you, ok?…hugs and thx for your kind words…love

[skeebo1969]

I’m gonna post here… don’t know if it will get moved or deleted but I feel the need to at least “put it out there in the universe’ and see where it goes

My topic…I know… it’s a stupid concept and yet it still pops up in my brain from time to time when i have an extremely crappy time of things.

This week, my brother died.  He had finally gone in the hospital due to his daughter’s nagging and found out that his cancer was back. Even though they first thought ths new treatment might help, they were still sure it wasn’t gonna stop it this time. 
So what happened… my brother gave up.

I don’t hat him for it.  I know cancer can be crappy.  It was just the process of talking to him on Friday, he falls fast on Saturday and then I'm with him when he takes his last breath on Sunday.  And yes.. I'm literally holding my older brother's hand as he passes away.

Go though the week of putting it out there on Facebook and getting all the condolences and posts of "if you need me" but what I wanted, other than him alive and well, was a friend to actually call me or text me.

Silence.

I know it's selfish.  I get that.  I'm a brat for wanting someone who I considered friend to call me.  I've called people when their family passed.  Am I just that pushy jerk in people's lives that they just put up with?  That's what I feel.

At that point, I'm thinking, why am I trying so hard to stay alive?  I talk my meds for both HIV and depression but for what?  If I stop the meds… who knows when anything would happen?  I could literally save THOUSANDS of dollars that I could go ahead and pay for my cremation service as well as pay someone to dump my ashes somewhere.

I know it's stupid.  I still have family that cares for me as well as a husband that loves me.  I just thought I had friends who cared to.  Now I just keep thinking "was I that shitty of a friend?"

With regard to my family…. I really don't want to be burden to the younger ones, especially my niece.  That is why I amy at least laying out a letter with a plan of what needs to happen when I DO die.  I don't want her to go through what she did with my brother.  Plus my husband swears he's going first.  Also.. knowing my family's health stubbornness….I’ll be here a while… meds or no meds.

In my youth and coming out days… I thought I had friends that I’d be friends with all the way to the Old Folks home.  Slowly I’m realizing that those were lies I told myself.  If my husband does go first… I’m not gonna let my family go through what they did with my brother.

Sorry to rant..I just needed to get this out of my system  I find it therapeutic to put thoughts out there other than just my journal.  Even if its a stranger… just hearing encouragement from anyone helps.

You have my condolences, sincerely.

I can relate to the pain you feel, and even the slight bitterness towards friends when they just don't get it.  Sometimes, and please don't take this wrong brother, we don't convey to others what we really need.   These days, especially on social media that includes so much fluff, we have to actually spell it out literally to others on how we feel.

You did good by being honest about your feelings here.

I know it hurts.  The thing is it's truly up to us to be good to ourselves.  I think your honesty is definitely a first step in this process.   When I joined this forum 16 years ago I was a mess of epic proportions.  Getting Baker Acted even after posting suicidal thoughts.  Today I am glad I never lived up to those nefarious feelings. 

Keep taking your meds, death by HIV is brutal.  I have seen it both here on the forums and in person.  I commend you for posting about this though and just want to add, there are better days ahead as long as you allow it. 

If you ever need an ear hit me up via PM.  . 

[BubbaPat]

Thanks.