Oh boy.. Here it comes.

[Ihavehope]

I am feeling nausea and anxious right now. I am trying to calm down right now because I am at work and don't want to cause a scene but my ex-boyfriend who I have a suspicion infected me with HIV has been trying to contact me for 2 months but I refuse to answer his calls. Why? because he is suspect number one and fear that if I do talk to him I will not only strangle him but would want to make him feel like the creepiest thing alive. So today I check my personal email and in cap letters the subject of his email is "Just answer me this". I am to scared to open it because I know if I find out he infected me then I would want to hurt him. Something tells me this email is bad news and I don't answer his calls. I am scared of what the email says and what I can do to him. Not only do I have to start my meds on Weds but I have to deal with this. I feel nausea because of all of my nerves are about to break me down.

[ACinKC]

delete it.  or hit reply and without reading it type the following:

Contact me again at your own RISK, and I mean it.

[Strayboy74]

Just read it or answer his call... then you can stop with the stressing.

You know that if you just delete it or ignore it, the stress will continue to eat at you.  And, that's not healthy.  Face it head on and steal the drama from it.

You are not given what you cannot handle.

-joseph

[Life]

I think Joseph is very right on this...  This is an open wound that will never heal unless you let it.   The only way to allow it to heal is by addressing your fears and confronting this... Otherwise, its always going to be there around each corner of every day....   Resentments,   are very damaging to your cd4's you know...

I am not saying you need to address this and meds all this week...  But you need to address it... Hitting delete aint going to make this one go away honey..

Oh yeah,  I know I got infected by someone...  But I played an equal role in getting infected with whoever it was.   

Love,   

[AustinWesley]

Hey there,

This one's difficult.   Personally, if you feel you can't handle reading the letter right now just save it for later when you can.   I'd personally answer the calls, but I don't know the details.  

One thing which seems clear to me is that avoiding this individual's contact is causing immense anxiety and stress for you.   It may be better to just deal with it and move on.

I may be making an assumption here, but it sounds as if part of it may be a fear that this individual is also positive and how that might go.  

I'm certain you have your reasons for avoiding that individual and much anger, but part of the responsibility lies with both indivduals.    

Your feelings are valid and I think most of us can relate to ya in one way or another.   And no doubt whatever the situation is there will be someone here who's been there, done that.  

I guess I need more details if ya want to share em in order to give ya any constructive advice here.    

Vent away!   You will have everyone's support.

Wesley

[ACinKC]

Ok i wanna change my answer!  Those sound like more rational ways of dealing with things!

[Ihavehope]

I know what you guys are saying. It's best to get it over with now and find out what he has to say but I doubt he would admit to it. Personally I really don't care for him anymore, he is in a difficult financial situation and I even lent him money, clothed him and did so many things for him because I cared for him. I even trusted him when he refused to protect himself. Unfortunately we were both under the influence of substances and I blame myself for this as well. What is bothersome to me is that he was already on meds and for 2 years we always used protection, and it only happened 2x without protection and then realized that it was a mistake so I stopped having unprotected sex. All of a sudden he disappeared on me for about 6 months and only called once in a blue. The last I heard from him was in March 2006. All of a sudden in Decemeber 06' he decides to call me but by that time I had discovered I was poz, and not just poz  but resistant to a class of drugs which means he knew he was poz. I don't blame him for my actions but I do blame him for not disclosing his status after 2 years of being together. He always use to say, I am not good for you and he always wanted to break up with me because he felt he wasn't good enough. I guess now I know why he felt this way. He calls every day since December 3 and leaves me voicemails and I don't call him back. I don't know what to do. I thank God, I don;t know where he moved to and is because I will literally break his neck. I am no punk when it comes to fighting, and I can fuck him up real easily but knowing him he would run away like he always has. Nothing he can say can bring back my health. I feel ok now and I have hope for a decent life but with HIV there are no freakin guarentees and not only has his lying and selfish acts left me a permanent mark but of my family as well.

[AustinWesley]

Hmm, this person sounds like a user that you don't need in your life.   I'd see what he has to say, but it sounds like a volitile situation.   

The fact he vanished for months and some of the other things sound familiar to my own ordeal.   But like ya said what good will it do ya? 

Think about yourself first.   You have time to get back to this individual when you have other things more under control.   Tackling everything at once is very draining and not good for your own health.

Sounds like you have a couple of options.  Deal with it now or deal with it later when you have less going on.   If information is something you want out of him I would communicate and try to keep your anger and rage out of it.   No matter how much you may be in the right, playing the blame game will cause you more grief and frustration and won't resolve much.   Trust me, it was all I could do for 3 weeks to maintain my composure while seeking the truth.   The anger and rage were overwhelming.

Just remember, no matter how angry you are to keep the focus on you.   Thoughts of revenge and physical violence are normal, but acting on those impules will only lead to nothing but grief.

Wesley

[DanielMark]

I know what you guys are saying. It's best to get it over with now and find out what he has to say but I doubt he would admit to it.

One question: why is his admission so important to you?

Okay, two questions: why torment yourself with unnecessary stress?

Daniel

[Razorbill]

It's an email.  Deal with it.  Read it carefully, respond carefully and stop torturing yourself.  Your refusal to deal is far worse for you than ANYTHING that could be in that email. 

[Ann]

...but by that time I had discovered I was poz, and not just poz  but resistant to a class of drugs which means he knew he was poz. 

Just because you have been infected with a drug resistant strain doesn't mean he definitely knew he was positive. He could have been infected with a resistant strain himself, and passed it on to you that way. It doesn't necessarily mean he became resistant to the drugs by taking them himself.

He might be thinking the same thing about you, if he didn't know his status either.

Just a thought....

Ann

[egello]

My situation is this.

I had ONE so so not safe situation with this tweaker I tweaked with about 4-5 years ago for a period of 1 month. I wasn't really attracted to him, but for that 1 month, I was so addicted to meth and he was a dealer, so I could smoke that stuff all day.

We finally tried to have sex at the end of my meth binge, he tried to insert his penis, but it hurted too much (his head was huge!) , so I immediately said no and made him take out the head. That was it, and that was the only time I had unsafe of anything. Two weeks later, I became very ill for two weeks, but at that time, I thought i got ill because I stopped doing meth.

Supposedly, he has AIDS now and is hiding out somewhere.

Should I blame him for my infection? I dunno, I should, and he is the easiest one to pick out as the cause, however, what if it was someone else? It is suppose to be very hard to get hiv, so do you guys think that one incident could have done it?

I don't blame him though, even if it was him, it really was my fault and shoudl have known that just one unsafe of anything make all that safe sex invalid.

However, as I mentioned in another thread, my current b/f and I have been having bb sx for four years now, and three months ago when he checked, he was neg.

So, this issue of infecting someone or not doesnt' seem to be such a cut and dry issue.

p.s
hey,, IHAVEHOPE, don't worry too much about it though, really, it does suck somewhat to be hiv poz, but according to you, you got a big tool <yum> down there, (j/k) but it realy doesn't seem like that much of a big deal once you start dealing with it. Actually, I am kinda enjoying this synthetic testosterone energy and the meds killing off all the bacteria and retro as well as regular viruses in my system. I am feeling like I am some sort of superman and my digestion is very awesome these days, I can eat anything which I wasn't able to before. It might be little problematic if you were a top (condom breakage and etc... ) on your future relationships, but as a bottom, its cool, your butt doesn't knnow bb as supposed to dressed in condom.. heh

[Queen Tokelove]

Ihave~~

Damn sweetie, I'm sorry you're not feeling good. Let me just say what I say would be how I would deal with the situation. Not saying it is the thing for you to do but just an opinion.

First, I would read the email. I agree with Joseph on this because if you do erase it, then you are going to be wondering what it said. If you don't have anything to say after reading the email, then just put in subject line, "Do not contact me again". That way he knows you read it. If he chooses to keep emailing you then block his addy.

Now for some reason, if you do feel that you want to respond to it then do so. I would send him a reply letting him know exactly how you feel. I can understand your anger and wanting to beat his ass but let's be logical, doing that would land you in jail and in return if he is left alive giving him the upperhand. I feel writing him a reply would prolly allow you to release some of that anger. Now I could be wrong but it worked for me when my ex infected me.

As to the voicemails at home, change your number. If you have never done this before, some phone companies will allow you to do it the first time for free. I know you are feeling emotional right now but remember you got to take care of you. Read the email and remove the stress. After doing this, let's hope he will not show up at your door. But even if that happens, honey, don't let him in, call the police. *hugz*

[Cheo63]

Hi Ihav,

I am new to this site and I just happened to read your thread.   I must say that I agree with most of the answers you have gotten.  Confrontations are never easy but they do bring peace.  Read the email.  See what he has to say.   As hard as it may seem to you, try to begin to forgive him for what he did to you.   I know this may sound crazy at first but believe me (been throught this before) forgiving him will bring inner healing and peace to you.   The fact is that you already know that you are hiv+.  Concentrate all your enery in taking care of yourself.  I don't know what your ex is like but I definitely would advice you to think about this situation.   Remember face your fear head up and keep moving forward.   You're in my prayers!   Good luck in whatever decision you make!!

[siongi]

Hi Honey,

If i were you i would answer the phones and find out what he is upto, then take it up from there!
And Eric puts sit very well! We really do not need to torture ourselves with a lot of anger, bitterness, frustrations etc  yet we both participated into this situation.It is the responsibilty of every individual to ensure that he /she is protected first without necessary waiting for the other person's confessions regarding their status.This is the lesson we must convey to all those individuals who have not tested positive.And lesson No. 2, influence of substance increases the chances of not bothering to use protection.As for you now, you have to move on babe and accept what has happenned to you.

Please let us know how you cope thereafter.

Cheers.

William

[Jeffreyj]

I think the sooner you take responsibility for your infection, the better. Like Eric said.... You need to deal with this guy once and for all, you will feel much better about things.
Good luck, and stay strong.