boyfriend has told me he has unprotected sex with men - he is hiv pos

[altruistic]

my boyfriend has contracted syphilis for the second time in our relationship. i was shocked to find out he likes to give oral sex to other men.  he told me he isn't attracted to men its just a taboo way to get off and with men there is no feelings or drama.  He says he lusts and desires women...he is a very sexual person and loves female anatomy. he says in no way does he think about kissing a male or even think about a male in the way he does women.  he is not attracted to males. so he says.
I'm pretty open minded sexually and this came as a huge shock -
any advice is he bi? gay? or just sexually open? 

anyways when i ask him if he uses condoms he says usually not because if a male will just meet you and do all kinds of stuff with you - and a bunch of other guys- bareback, he doesn't care because they don't care.  He said they deserve it and are with dirty promiscuous people, without regard to getting tested or wearing condoms. 
kind of a lot for me to handle and i think his way of thinking is evil.  I am beginning to wonder if he would ever try to infect me. never really thought of him as a malicious person until now. 

[wolfter]

So wouldn't that also make him a dirty promiscuous person, without regard to getting tested or wearing condoms?   

Only he can tell you his sexuality.  Not too many truly straight men give and receive oral from men simply for convenience.

Hope this isn't too harsh but you asked.  I can't idenity his sexuality but I can definitely recognize a total cad. 

[Jeff G]

I would insist on condoms each and every time you have vaginal or anal sex .

Here's what you need to know in order to avoid hiv infection:

You need to be using condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, every time, no exceptions until such time as you are in a securely monogamous relationship where you have both tested for ALL sexually transmitted infections together.

To agree to have unprotected intercourse is to consent to the possibility of being infected with an STI.Sex without a condom lasts only a matter of minutes, but hiv is forever.

Have a look through the condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use condoms with confidence .

Anyone who is sexually active should be having a full sexual health care check-up, including but not limited to hiv testing, at least once a year and more often if unprotected intercourse occurs.

If you aren't already having regular, routine check-ups, now is the time to start. As long as you make sure condoms are being used for intercourse, you can fully expect your routine hiv tests to return with negative results.

Don't forget to always get checked for all the other sexually transmitted infections as well, because they are MUCH easier to transmit than hiv. Some of the other STIs can be present with no obvious symptoms, so the only way to know for sure is to test.

Use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, correctly and consistently, and you will avoid hiv infection. It really is that simple!

[mecch]

I agree with wolfter - we can't figure out your bf's sexuality. 

Also, you said you are worried he might try to infect you.  We can't possibly know what his motivations are. 

Also infect you with what?  HIV?  If he is on treatment and undetectable, he probably can't infect anyone with HIV.  Is he on treatment? if so, tested about 2x a year and undetectable for a few tests?

If you don't want to get HIV just follow Jeff G's instructions. 

It is not easy to fix the rules for an open relatonship, and that is what you two are having. 

Both parties have to be ok with 1) the openness, and 2) the level of risk for STD that the sex brings. 

1) means this: an open relationship brings other risks - anger, jealousy, losing the partner. What to discuss about the other partners and what is OK to do but doesn't need to be talked about.  You were surprised - so that means you want to know things that he doesn't tell you?

2) means this: if you don't trust your bf about the sex and the disease risk to you,  negotiate for rules.

Negotiate the sex life you both can accept, or break up with him. 

There are plenty of fish in the sea.
 

[altruistic]

Thank you for your replies and advice.  My boyfriend has been undetectable for over a year and I am taking Truvada daily.  He was diagnosed with AIDS four years ago. when he caught  Syphilis the first time he thought he was at the end of his run. Rash was unbearable and he was miserable.  We went to 3 different doctors and they told us it was an aids related rash-there was nothing that could be done.  I wouldn't accept that, so I took him to Loma Linda hospital and they were able to tell us he had secondary syphilis. After being treated his numbers were up and viral load down:-)
Then he goes and gets it again, from the same person- this time it was caught early. I've been tested 4 times and all came back non reactive to syphilis.  Does anyone know how common or easy it is to contract syphilis?

[Joe K]

Many STIs are much easier to contract than HIV.

Here's the CDC info on it: http://www.cdc.gov/std/syphilis/stdfact-syphilis.htm

Joe

[ImisstheOldTimes]

I am full agreement with Wolf regarding him being a cad...

Honestly, I'm not sure why he would use terminology, your bf, that is incredibly judgmental when he himself falls within the same group...

In my humble opinion, sounds to me you deserve better...

Heidi

[Wade]

Hi,
You were given some very good advice here,
I think Heidi and Wolfe spelled it out very well !!
Wade