feeling sub-human - will there be a day?

[PittGurl]

Hi everyone, im new to this.... DX 8/2/15 within 45 days of infection from my husband who had been sleeping with another woman and had 2 kids unbeknownst to me OR a rebound right after.  Either way, im here    

Right now I feel like nothing, an alien, a statistic, sub human, lower than even when the ex was mentally abusive.  Do you ever get to the point where you can love again? where you can even think about trying to?  Because i am only 43 and i am scared that im going to go through life in this small town of mine too scared to ever smile, flirt or even think about a man.  Yet, i want this so much, the companionship and the snuggling and now life seems so fragile and so quick.

Plus, i have 2 kids (11 and 17)....i mean how do you ever get the nerve to even think about dating bc of rejection....how do you tell someone or trust them enough not to blab? but if you get that far to trust them and them you tell them....and they reject you...then all that wasted time and heartache from trying to develop something.

Sometimes I feel like right now i should just focus on me and getting my head wrapped around this and then other times i feel like why wait...life is passing me by....

[initforlife]

Pit  . these are all normal feelings you have just been dx.  I was dx 3-14 I did fine at first then my meds took it's toll on me and I ended up very depressed about my dx it's been a hard year. and those are all question that went through my mind also.. but Yes you will do all those thing again you will date in time and you will disclose your status. but first work on you..  Like I told others how could I worry about bringing someone else into my life at first when I wasn't even me anymore.. but in time things have change.. I don't feel hopeless anymore. and you will get to that point too. hang in there the first few months are always the hardest I think. Grab onto the great people of this board they will give you strength and comfort when you need it... They were great with me and some of the best people I have ever met...I'm not on the board as much as I use to be but if you need to talk in private just pm I always check those at least once a week.. Hugs !

[PittGurl]

Thanks initforlife - i REALLY appreciate your response.

Im in the denial (even though my mind knows from popping this darn HUGE pill everyday) and angry/pissed stages - sometimes i wish i could just SCREAM at the top of my lungs. I just want to feel and be normal...i know people deal with other more difficult DX and there is hope for living a long life. But Im truly scared about the effects of long term meds (do they really know?)  and the OI's that are now more chances than before.

Yes, take care of me first - good advice.  thank you

[YoungNScared]

I saw your post and i had to tell you something.
Your first post when you were Dxd and your first pill and to jotting down days when you are taking your meds, come on girl! you are so amazing! At 43 years old you do so much! You gave more motivation then ever to actually start my meds. I actually go in 2 days to see how my VL and cd4 are doing because i declined meds when i was first dx'd. I am only 25 years old now and everyone on this forum is your friend/family! We are so lucky to get 1/2 pills a day to give us normal healthy lives, yes i understand the telling future partners is a bit rough. Oh and i must say drinking a nice cup of hot coco and doing yoga helps out alot   

You got this!


kyle 

[karry]

Hi Pittgurl,
I felt sub-human for a while after I was diagnosed back in 2007. I was scared, angry, disappointed with myself...and I thought I will never be able to smile...laugh..love...date...or do the things I used to do before February 2007.

How wrong I was! I learnt that I was still me. A more compassionate person because I had learnt what it meant to live with an illness that makes you an object of misjudgement, stigmatization and misunderstanding from those who do not understand the disease. With time, patience and support from the folks on this forum as well as my friends and family, I put back the broken pieces together and chose to be happy and positive in life.

Time heals.

Hugs to you.
K.

[PittGurl]

Thanks karry - very very VERY slowly things are improving emotionally.....VERY slowly.....i still have days of uncontrollable tears and anger. Im so mad at myself for not being more careful and not protecting my life for my kids sake since they only have me!    That really hurts me very deep

[karry]

Thanks karry - very very VERY slowly things are improving emotionally.....VERY slowly.....i still have days of uncontrollable tears and anger. Im so mad at myself for not being more careful and not protecting my life for my kids sake since they only have me!    That really hurts me very deep

Hi Pittgurl,
Its not your fault that you got infected. You trusted your husband. How could you have protected your life from the very person who was supposed to be protecting you and his family? Please don't beat yourself. When we are in a relationship, we trust our partners. We expect them to be exclusively with us. Many married couples do not use protection, because they trust and believe they are both upholding their marriage  vows.

Please know that you can still be there for your kids. Take good care of yourself in order to take good care of them too.
Hugs to you
K.

[PittGurl]

Thanks karry - im so angry today - so bitter - so full of hate that i almost dont know how to live and want to crawl back into bed and ignroe the world - everything is so much better when im asleep. Its so much that I wish i wasnt here because my emotions are so up and down everyday.  I've struggled so much and i feel like im never going to accept this - i try to confront it head on and read about it and contribute to groups and write back the new people like me - go to the wellness people that the county provides.....other days Ive tried to ignore it, pretend it isn't real, skirt away from the groups and feelings - nothing works - there is no medium - and reality smacks me in the face with the BIG huge pill every morning.

And at the same time, i want to give these burdens to God - I believe in Him and am a Christian but does these feeling make me hypocritical too?  I sat in my car today weeping because of all these feelings and how much i hate myself and i hate what has happened. Screaming i dont want this and it's just not fair and that I hate him. I feel like someone stole my entire life, my entire being, my future and that my grave is in front of my eyes just waiting for me.

[zach]

edit... my bad... wrong room

it was a good post though... t'was

[Sweet_C]

Pittgirl, I wish I could get a big hug.  You not only had to deal with finding out you were poz, but having to deal with the fact that your husband betrayed you. 

As for feeling subhuman, it's been 8 years since I've been diagnosed and I still have my moments where I don't feel normal.  The way I deal is just by trying to focus on the positives in my life and the many things I have to be thankful for. 

As for dating, if it were me, I'd take a break from dating just to heal and process all that's gone on.  That's the advice I'd give for any big breakup and not just because you're poz.  You will be able to date again soon enough and you certainly will find someone who will love you, HIV and all. I think you'll be happier dating if you first come to terms with your diagnosis yourself before heading out into the dating pool.  If you go into it overly self conscious about your status then that could lead you to make bad choices in dating. 

It must be tough dating in a small town though.  Maybe it would be time to expand your horizons and venture out to date in other cities? 

[PittGurl]

THanks Sweet_C   You are probably right - take time for me.  Its been a better few days but still nowhere near feeling normal. I still 2nd guess every pain and every twinge....i still look at people and feel like "wow i used to have a life and enjoy smiling like them".  I just feel like i am here but not even living...just drifting along.....i feel like all of my interactions are fake and just skin deep and noone can ever know the real me again.  

[Atelier]

Time does heal. I know how you feel but hang on. Dreams and hope are very real! What I learned is to protect my well being above all else. It is not easy to be a straight woman in our situation. There is PTSD and anxiety, trust issues. Honor yourself and your feelings. Take care of yourself...exercise, eat, laugh, love, lose, love again, and learn...speak your mind to your healthcare providers because now you must be your own best advocate. Expressing yourself is healthy! YOU are healthy! LOVE.

[PittGurl]

Atelier - are you a straight woman?  Im having a hard time connecting with anyone like me