I just tested positive

[anonymouse]

So this is a bit of my story.

I'd been feeling really quite unwell about 14 weeks ago. I'd lost my appetite, my bowel movements had altered radically, I was losing weight and I was feeling generally lethargic and ill. On top of that, I suspect primarily due to the lack of eating properly, I had lost a considerable amount of weight.

Having visited my doctor, they were concerned it was indicative of bowel cancer.

So fast forward a few weeks and I've had MRI scans and a colonoscopy, neither of which showed any signs of cancer (good news so far).

However, my bloods had repeatedly shown slight abnormalities such as a lowered white cell count, clumping platelets and anemia among other things. I also had an enlarged spleen.

At this point I was sent off to a haematologist to start looking at things like leukemia.

He wanted to send me for yet another blood test, unsurprisingly, and said that they always offered a routine HIV test as a matter of course and though there was nothing to indicate I needed one, they'd always recommend it and not to worry.

And worry I didn't.

A week later and he called me to say he needed to discuss my results and could I get into the hospital to see him the next day (Sunday). I had plans, as it happens, so Sunday was out therefore I went to see him at 4pm that day.

I realised something was seriously wrong the moment I got there - the consultancy suite was closed and the receptionist said they didn't usually consult on a Saturday and was just as confused... that alone got alarm bells running but at this point I was still thinking something like leukemia.

Anyway, he walked in through the main entrance and we went to an office.

He asked how I was feeling and I said I was feeling considerably better. My appetite was returning and I was feeling less lethargic.

The next words will stick with me forever:

"Remember last week I said we would run an HIV test? I am sorry to say, it came back positive".

Bang! Out of nowhere.

I truly felt like the world had just opened up under me and I was falling down the biggest, scariest, rabbit hole ever.

I cried. I shook. I couldn't quite comprehend.

He was calmness and kindness itself. We chatted about what it meant. He had already made an appointment with specialists at the GU clinic for Monday afternoon.

Now...at this point I need to give a bit of information about me and my lifestyle. I am married and have been for over ten years. About 5 years ago, my wife and I dabbled for a brief few weeks in the swinging scene. Now the vast majority of the playing with others we did was protected sex. But not quite all.

I am currently assuming that this is where and when I was infected - I will know more soon, I guess.

One thing he said to me was the suggestion I tell no one else, including my wife, until after I'd been to the GU clinic.

No fucking way (excuse the language) that I could do that - absolutely no chance I could hide this from my wife. She knows me better than I do and she'd know something massive was wrong.

I got some air. I was physically sick. I was frightened. I drove home.

When I got home as I just said my wife knew something massive was wrong so I just told her outright "I have HIV".

Tears and cuddles and talk commenced.

What would it mean for us? For her? For me?

We talked. We are still talking. A lot. She's there for me and I am there for her. Always - that's what our vows meant to both of us.

Anyway I went to the clinic on Monday. I had a mild panic attack as I arrived at the door - suddenly it felt so much more real!

The staff were amazing. No judgement, no condescension. They hugged me and they care.

I had 13 vials of blood taken. I saw a counselor.

And I had a tough conversation with the Dr. My wife and I had made love on Saturday morning. She needed to be tested - we always knew that would be necessary but they needed to see her right there and then for the rapid test.

If it was negative, they would put her on PeP. If it was positive (and they were blunt about it - if I've been positive for 5 or 6 years then she most likely would test positive) they could also start her care treatment.

I sat with her while they did the test.

Thirty minutes later the Dr returned "I am so happy to tell you it came back negative from the rapid test!"

Fuck me (again, I apologise for the language but this is how I felt) - I felt like I'd just won the damn lottery.

I'm actually good at compartmentalising. I have always been (no pun intended) a positive person. My outlook in life has always been one of glass half full and every cloud has a silver lining and this was genuinely the best news I can remember having.

So my wife is on PeP now.

As for me - I actually count myself lucky in many respects.

My wife is there for me. The haematologist told me that from his tests, the virus doesn't appear to have progressed to the point it's done any real damage to my immune systems.

Though there's never a good time to get this, it's probably the best time since it was first identified.

Sometimes over the last 72 hours, I look at myself in a mirror and it's almost like a stranger is looking back.

I refuse though, to take a victim mentality. It is what it is and I will do everything I can to ensure I remain as healthy as I can for as long as I can.

I refuse to blame myself for a silly slip of judgement.

I'm trying not to be so scared and for the most part as I educate myself more and more I am slowly getting there but I sill have moments of sheer, unadulterated terror.

One day at a time.

Thanks for reading.

[CaveyUK]

Hi Anonymouse

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis, but pleased you have found us.

Whereabouts are you based?

In terms of the diagnosis itself, I am pleased your wife is negative and you are sticking together through it all. You are correct in saying that the outlook these days is so much better.

For what it's worth, I am recently diagnosed, have a girlfriend who is extremely supportive and also believe I picked it up due to risky sex on the swinging scene. Certain choices were made which were stupid in terms of protection, but there you go - you can't rewind the clock or change the situation, so no point in dwelling too much on the where's and when's. The best thing to do is to get on treatment and get back to a degree of normality and enjoy living a long and healthy life.

So you will find tons of support on here, so feel free to ask anything that may be on your mind.

[CD4_800]

Sorry about your diagnosis but you've come to the right place ....lots of good people and invaluable support and great advice.... this diagnosis is not the end of your world....the meds are amazing! I'm living proof

[Andy Velez]

Welcome.  Glad you found your way here.  As you are finding your way in this new part of your life establishing a good working partnership with your primary care physician will become an essential part of staying well.

In addition to using condoms for intercourse with your wife, you two might also have a conversation with your doctor and among yourselves about having her take PrEP. It has a very good track record for preventing transmission.

You are always welcome here to talk about anything you have questions about or have on your mind.

Again, welcome.

[marcello85]

Hi, Anonymous !

We are newbies here... Am sorry to hear your dx

but you can count yourself lucky that your wife is there for you and your dx come in year 2016 which HIV treatment had been progressed much. Rather than count your unfortunate, It is better you count your blessings you will understand what I said you are lucky. Many friends here are luckier than me (you can read my story in "Newly Poz"), but I found I am luckier than any other who still linger there without knowing they are Poz orredy. So in the end, we are all lucky.... You are lucky !
Be Poz, it means we must think Poz, Live Poz-itively, and be around Poz Spirit Environment like this Forum. I am also in my adaptation period, I avoid be in negative-sad-undermotivated groups and read sharing from success stories from others. They can do means we can do ! Keep spirit up!

Love, Cello

[hiv_rizzy]

Yes we have lots of newbies here including myself. We should stick together and share our stories. One day not too far from 2016 I'm sure we will scream when the puzzle is finally solved otherwise we play the game just fine with brilliant treatment that will be needed to be taken less and less as the years go by. I remember ready in the past persons have to be taking 5 - 15 pills per day with toxic effects.

[Bartlett]

Welcome to the boards - as always sorry that this is the reason you are here, but you will find an amazing support group amongst the members. I too have a wife that is negative (we found out about me in January) and I know the feeling well about being relieved but also feeling like you won the unlucky lottery. Chin up, get on treatment and all will start to get back to normal.

I don't know if you can find the time or can afford it but therapy also has been helpful for both my wife and I in these early months as we adjust. So that might be of help for yourself as well.