Where to draw the line

[Hellraiser]

So a friend of mine had a bad breakup about 2-3 months ago.  His ex is crazy in ways that I can't describe but what seems to me very reminiscent of untreated bouts of bipolar disorder.  I've been telling my friend to avoid talking to the ex with varying degrees of success.  Tonight I find out my friend (someone I slept with over 1 year ago and thus disclosed to him that he should go get tested) has informed the ex about my status.  I'm so angry about this that I'm having trouble thinking straight.

It's none of the ex's business, so why did my friend feel the need to bring the information up?  Why were they talking about me in the first place?  I feel like this is a violation of my trust that cannot be repaired.  I don't care that his unstable ex knows my status but what he might do with that information is another matter entirely.  This is of particular concern as the friend also knew where I was applying for work and I'm afraid my health status may be leaked.  This is not out of the question as my friend lost his job due to similar meddling by said ex.  Am I right in feeling that this friendship is pretty much dust due to the fact that I can no longer trust my friend with any level of personal information?

[tednlou2]

You slept with the friend who now has the crazy bf?  If your friend took the advice and got tested a year ago, then I don't understand him telling his ex-bf about you.  Even if he needed to inform the bf that he needed to get tested (if your friend was poz), then he still didn't need to give your name. 

Most people just cannot keep things private.  I have a best friend who I just cannot tell my status.  I really wish I could tell him.  He is exactly like the character on SNL--Kristen Wiig's character where she can't keep a secret.  I know if I tell him, he will tell his mom and sister who will then tell people they know.  The only good thing about it is that he cannot tell a lie--because he has to blab about everything and even stuff that is negative about himself.  He and I messed around as kids.  Well, he told everyone in his family about it.  I just couldn't understand why he would tell his whole family about that.  I think they think I molested him even though we're the same age and he actually got it started.



 

[GSOgymrat]

If I were in your situation I would confront my friend and give him an opportunity to explain, but it had better be a really good explanation.

[john33]

Trey,
take a deep breath, I know you've got a good head on your shoulders. It'll work out

I second what Ford said confront your friend for an explanation, although i suspect it boils down to "people love to talk about others".

things with your new job are going to be OK, despite the ex, so hold your head up high.

showing how little I know about the US, but i thought their were some very strict laws regulating what employers can and cannot do regarding HIV.

John

[Dachshund]

I wouldn't confront your friend. You already know you can't trust him. Best to leave it alone and hope it quietly goes away. This has all the makings of a shit storm if people start confronting each other.

[bocker3]

I can understand why you are upset.  I always go under the assumption that if I tell something to someone who is in a couple, that I'm telling the other person too -- unless I explicitly ask them not to say anything to their other half.  I know that there is virtually nothing that I don't share with my partner.

If you want to talk to your friend about this, I'd do less as "confronting him" and more as a "I wasn't expecting you to share this info and this is how I'm feeling about it."  I doubt that there was anything intentional on your friend's part -- people do talk, partners even more so.....

Finally -- this is a great example of the fact that when you decide to tell someone, you lose control of that information.  I say this not to encourage folks to keep it secret (I don't think this is healthy), but to remind everyone that you have to be ready for things like this to happen.

Mike

[WillyWump]

Tonight I find out my friend .... has informed the ex about my status. 

Was your friend sleeping with this guy around the same time you were? If so perhaps your friend felt a need to tell the crazy guy he needs to get tested. Although that doesnt mean he needed to disclose names (yours) to the crazy guy.

Regardless, What's done is done, try not to get all bent out of shape over it, and like you alluded to escalating the situation may only make it worse.

To prevent further disclosure by your friend, perhaps you can address the whole issue with him (in a very non-confrontational way)..."Gee, I really wished you wouldnt have said anything, please keep it mum going forward". But in the future I would keep this friend at arms length, and not disclose any semsitive information to him.

As far as the crazy guy causing problems at your job....that may be a stretch. You indicated the crazy guy did this to your friend (his ex). But your not dating the crazy guy, so it's a totally different situation. What in your mind would be the reason the crazy guy might cause problems at your job? If this is some whacked out 3-way love fest then maybe yes there could be cause for concern, otherwise I think you are ok.

-Will

[GSOgymrat]

Just to clarify by "confronting" I meant addressing his behavior, not being hostile. I was at work and fell into therapy jargon. Sorry.

[skeebo1969]

I wouldn't confront your friend. You already know you can't trust him. Best to leave it alone and hope it quietly goes away. This has all the makings of a shit storm if people start confronting each other.

I agree. 

Trey, I can't think of any good intentions this person might of had when he told someone else your personal information.  IMO it was snarky and malicious.  I'm not saying to drop him as a friend, but I would definitely never forget that he broke my trust if I was you.

[Hellraiser]

Some clarification for everyone.  I slept with my friend a year and some odd months ago just prior to my diagnosis.  He's since tested and tested negative so the friend and his ex are both negative since that test as of october of last year.  The reason I even care that the unstable one knows is because he's now found me on another website and begun to try to interact with me.

Along the lines of "John told me you were sick with AIDS and I'm so sorry, I hope you're happy in New Orleans", while this seems like somewhat innocent fare this guy is working two angles.  He's disclosing that he has the information and is baiting the hook that he's talking to my friend and still getting information from him.  I'm not interacting with him at all, because I know how he works.  Like I said I'm not upset the guy has the information, but I'm a little bit leery about what he might do with it, and the worst part is I feel like my friend took information shared in confidence and betrayed me by telling his absolutely insane ex about it.  We've had discussions where I've explicitly stated that I don't even want the ex to know I have any interaction with him.  I'm not upset about people knowing my status it just doesn't bother me like it used to, this is just about my friend basically gossiping about me and to the worst possible person.  The more I think about it the more I think that this friendship is just over and done with.  He can't move on from the ex despite how bad he is for him and I don't feel like I can trust him any longer.  Neither of those things is good for me.

[Rev. Moon]

I wouldn't confront your friend. You already know you can't trust him. Best to leave it alone and hope it quietly goes away. This has all the makings of a shit storm if people start confronting each other.

This one piece of advice meets the situation in the best manner.  Any form of confrontation will simply stir some major drama that you probably don't want or need.

If you don't really trust this "friend" then you're better off moving on.  You've got a new life to take care of.

[Merlin]

It looks like a dump dump situation regardless of what your "friend" says cos the damage is done. I doubt you can ever trust him again so confronting him will not improve the situation. Sometimes it's very empowering to confront and iron things out but now you are dealing with 2 variables, your untrustworthy friend and his psycho ex. I would suggest you do nothing and just "fade" away and if you so decide, end the friendship if you feel strongly about it. Don't stir up the dust. Once you seem to "fade" away from their interest, they will find new "targets" for their focus. Winning a war is not always head-on. It's knowing when not to feed the fire. Unless you can match their crazy and attention to details, it may be best to let them fizzle out on their own.

Your lesson, be more discreet with your disclosure in future. It's true no one can fully know who to trust, but if you meet someone you truly love and shared private info with him, then take the bullet and move on without regret if he abused the trust. We can only do what we can and if we took all the precautions and still something like this happens, don't knock yourself over it, just take it as if it was bound to happen, it will and it did and just move on.

Stay strong. Things will work out when you believe enough, it will. Be at Peace!

[peteb]

Trey
once a rat always a rat

[roy100]

Don't talk to him anymore.

[alliance]

I think youre doing just the right thing. I'd move on.

[mecch]

These are my takes:

1) Talk to your friend, the blabber mouth, and tell him what you told us about how you feel about his blabbing, why you want to keep it discrete, etc. etc.  See if he apologizes and put it as water on the bridge.

2) Don't get involved whatsoever with the friends ex.  The one who is chatting you up now. Just tell him you want to take some distance and don't want to communicate with him while you concentrate on supporting your friend, in his break up.  Don't say ANYTHING negative or positive to him, just cut off the communication and ignore him.

3) You know, once the cat is out of the bag, since you did the right thing telling a few people who may have been at risk, and whomever else - you can't do that much to control rumours.  You just cant. But since you only disclosed in good faith and with good kharma, I don't think this will come back to bite you.

Thats my feeling.

[Joe K]

The more I think about it the more I think that this friendship is just over and done with.  He can't move on from the ex despite how bad he is for him and I don't feel like I can trust him any longer.  Neither of those things is good for me.

Trey,

I believe your decision is already made and I would just let it quietly die. It appears that nothing good can come from them, so why take the chance? They are no longer worth your time or effort.

[mecch]

A few kind words for the friend
- you said he can't seem to get over his ex, but if the bipolar ex was really abusive, and if your friend loved him anyway, its not going to so quick and easy to put that horrible story behind him.   
-  Also, your friend didnt gossip to just anyone, he told his lover.  Not saying that excuses it but sometimes we share things with our loved ones to help deal with the thing.  Its human nature.

[GNYC09]

Forgive but don't forget.