Author Topic: Just found out (Read 9514 times)

justaguy · « **on:** April 01, 2009, 02:19:52 pm »

I got a letter from my insurer about odd findings in a blood test, so while waiting for their results to be sent to my doctor in snail mail, the first thing I did was get myself checked out for HIV....and I tested positive last night with an Elisa. Now i have a two week wait to find out for sure with a confirmatory test, but I'm not going to cling to false hopes. I think it's safe to say that my feeling right now is numb. There is a pit in my stomach, and I don't feel like eating. I haven't cried really, but I know it will come. I was with friends when I got tested (we all got tested to support each other), but decided to fake it and pretend everything was fine- how I did that, I have no idea. I will eventually tell some people, but for now, I feel like it's too soon to rush into any decision. I did tell one of my longest friends who has a medical background, and my doctor is a friend as well, so both of those will help I imagine.

The thing I keep coming back to is, I clearly remember getting the flu-like symptoms, night sweats, etc. and when I look in the window two months before then, it leaves only one possible person who infected me - a friend actually (and maybe it could have been someone from before then, i'm not sure how long it takes for symptoms to appear). Before him, I was in a monogamous relationship for nearly two years....and my last neg test was during that time. So it's my ex or the other guy....whoever it is, I KNOW he must not have known. I have no anger towards these people. I definitely plan on giving his name and number or whatever contact info i have when the state comes calling so they can notify him, but for some reason, this entire scenario kept me up all night, worrying about them and how horrible it's going to be for them to find out. At the same time, I WANT to know who it was, because i want to reach out to them - like now we have this common bond. I feel like I need to make friends with people who will understand and can commiserate. I guess that's why I'm here.

I could say the typical "I never thought this would happen to me", and I really mean that. I am a clean cut, college graduate, 9/10 times I'm safe, and I rarely have sex anyway. All it takes is once, and i learned the hard way. Thank God I got that blood test for insurance or who knows how long it would have been before I found out. Thank God I haven't been in any relationships since my infection either....

Medically, I called my primary physician this morning to warn him of the lab results he's sure to receive in the next few days. I didn't want him to think he was going to have to break it to me. He was very concerned about my mental state, as am I. I plan on attending some kind of counseling. I have an apptmt. with him in the morning, and he's looking into some Infectious Disease specialists to send me to. He did keep saying that there are sometimes false positives, but I havce no illusions - there was a problem with my blood work, I was positive on Elisa test, and I had the sickness including night sweats and swollen lymph nodes. I think the writing is on the wall.

I decided to go ahead and go to work today, though I admit it has been difficult to concentrate. I can focus for a few minutes, then it all comes back to me and i zone out.

I'm a little worried about my reaction. I feel like it has been way too calm and calculated. I'm not sure how I will ever go back to being the social person I was, and that people will be able to figure it out. I'm afraid that people will figure it out if they get the letter or call from the state saying that someone they slept with has tested positive. I'm just scared in general.

Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble and vent.

Elephant · « **Reply #1 on:** April 01, 2009, 02:52:52 pm »

Hi justaguy,

The biggest thing you can do for yourself is try to relax. I know.... not likely, but if you can it will help.

IF you are found to be positive .... not much will change. For real.
You will need to see an Infectious Disease Dr. and maybe more bloodwork.
After that you will get your numbers and you will either start meds or you will have time before you need to. Get a counselor or into a support group.
That's really all there is to it. (assuming your health before was good and you're other wise std free.)

Relax. Seriously. If you feel anxious then post on here. There are some freeking awesome people on here every day and they will either know the answers or know where to point you to get them. If you're emotionally having a tuff time the people here can be the best sounding board.

I was just diagnosed this month. The biggest thing I hold onto is the fact that HIV isn't a death sentence now, it's treatable. Huge difference.
Look around the forums here and watch the peoples numbers. The hardest part of this is in your head. Real it in, learn and relax.

My personal advice is - "Don't start telling everyone". Wait. Have one or two trusted good friends but wait on the rest. You will know when and if you need to tell anyone else.

If you had a false positive pat yourself on the back and take it as a lesson in life and smile big!

dtwpuck · « **Reply #2 on:** April 01, 2009, 06:12:53 pm »

Sounds like you've thought a lot about things. So, welcome to the forum. Please feel free to share your thoughts, fears and anxieties here. We all understand.

So, here's the deal.... everyone deals differently. The next couple months are pretty much guaranteed to be a roller coaster. It sounds like you are naturally concerned about the feelings of others as well as self-aware. These traits will come in handy.

Remember to ask for help when you need it.

I have a question. When I seroconverted, I knew who probably infected me.... although there is some doubt. His name was Jimmie. (he's gone now) I felt that he didn't know he was positive and I was right. I told him myself. He needed to know. I called him and met him. We sat down and had a very meaningful and compassionate conversation. I don't know what the relationship is like with you are your former partners, but it sure is a lot easier to hear it from someone who cares about you than from a stranger. Again, this might not be appropriate in your situation, but it's a thought...

I can't tell you how you will react, how you will deal, how you will feel. But, there's a good possibility that you will have a few surprises. I burst into tears for no reason a few times myself.

Best of luck to you. Many of us are here to help, to put ourselves on the line because we know what it's like. I wish that when I was going through finding out that I had a forum to go to....

Peace,
Scott

justaguy · « **Reply #3 on:** April 01, 2009, 07:00:07 pm »

Thanks for the responses. You're both right, I just have to relax, and when I think logically about the whole thing, i can relax to some degree. But I think the worst part of this for me isn't the concern about health- I know that stuff is manageable. It's the stigma. I know how people are, I've seen it time and time again. If there is even a suggestion that you are positive in this city, you are pretty much scarlet letter material. I spent so many years hiding being gay, and had just come to terms with being pretty much totally out, and now i have an all new set of secrets to hide. One thing that has helped calm me down is to remind myself that the only difference about the "me" of today and the "me" of a month ago is the KNOWLEDGE of what is going on. So in a sense, I'm much better off than the me of a month ago because at least now I can work on fighting the illness and not risk infecting others, even if it is much more challenging emotionally.

With regard to my anxiety about who i got it from, I'm scared to talk to him about it. What if it's true, and he tests positive, couldn't he just as easily blame it on me and get mad? This is someone who is very entrenched in my circle of friends... I just see all sorts of bad situations possible arising form this. Again, this leads to anxiety.. Who knows, maybe my ex had it and passed it to me when we were in a supposedly monogamous relationship? There are so many what if's going through my brain right now, and besides, I think it's a little too soon for me to start planning something that emotional.. But I definitely understand the point.

I finally cried a little bit ago, my friend that I told called to check on me, and it just got me started. Wow this is gonna be rough.

dtwpuck · « **Reply #4 on:** April 01, 2009, 07:58:50 pm »

It is going to be rough.. I am not suggesting you start announding it. But, I can tell you this much: you will find that there are a lot of us out there. We've all gone through or are going through being as lonely and scared and anxious and and and and .... you get the point.

Every city is like your city. But not every person is as well spoken as you. I hope you are able to come through as well as you express yourself here.

Oh, by the way... thanks for answering my question.

My best regards,
S

justaguy · « **Reply #5 on:** April 03, 2009, 02:37:04 pm »

My Doctor called today - he got the insurance results in the mail finally - they did Western Blot which confirms it. So no hope for possible false positives anymore.

I spent the better part of an hour this morning rehashing the two months before my acute infection by looking at my emails, calendars, to jog my memory, and all signs point to one person. I'm not mad at him, he couldn't have possibly known at that time. I really want to reach out to him but I'm going to wait until my head clears (I will make sure he is notified ASAP). The really awful part is, he's about to graduate from school in a month... I hate that this is going to come down on him right at what should be one of the highlights of his life. If it wasn't him, it had to be my previous BF. But the acute infection period was at least 4 months after we broke up, so I can't imagine that makes sense.

Yesterday, I went to visit the doctor, he took blood to be tested for Viral load, CD4, etc. He prescribed Xanax, which has been a great blessing in keeping my heart from pounding through my chest. He also put me on Zoloft and made an appointment for me to see a therapist and an infectious disease specialist.

I'm trying to navigate my way through this in a calm manner. I told some exceptionally close friends (a couple) last night. They were completely supportive and basically told me that they would do anything to help me through.

Again, thanks for being a sounding board.

mecch · « **Reply #6 on:** April 03, 2009, 02:52:50 pm »

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis.
Sounds like you have good doctors.
By the way, "clean-cut college graduates" get HIV. I think your eyes about to open to a different world view.
Its good of you to make sure this suspect contact is informed, and its good to wait til your head clears before dealing with him yourself, personally. Good luck.

dtwpuck · « **Reply #7 on:** April 03, 2009, 10:01:16 pm »

Best of luck to you.

That calm demeanor.... it's ok to let it be for a while. Maybe if you rely on your friends..(I am sure you have them).. you will find that they will help you keep your bearings while you let the valve out.

But however you handle it... be well. Thanks for letting us be your sounding board.

justaguy · « **Reply #8 on:** April 04, 2009, 11:47:36 am »

It's a nice sunny day here. I woke up, went to breakfast with a friend who doesn't know, visited with some other friends that don't know, and tried to play normal, and it went pretty well. The xanax is definitely helping. The shock is subsiding a bit. I'm sure it's not the last of it, but we'll see...

I have so much going on in my work and home life right now, I don't really know where to begin. I'm scheduled to move in a month, and have all sorts of preparations to be making, and it's hard for me to get motivated enough to do them, but they have to be done. Life goes on.

and to Mecch: You're exactly right, HIV happens to everyone, I'm definitely the "I never thought it would happen to me" stereotype, and I'm sorry about my original statement.

justaguy · « **Reply #9 on:** April 04, 2009, 01:21:23 pm »

OK, the one thing in my mind that bothers me most is trying to figure out how I got it. I got the flu-like symptoms, the night sweats, etc. approximately 3-4 weeks after being exposed to my friend I keep mentioning.

BUT, according to this: http://www.medhelp.org/medical-information/show_section/28979

"Primary or acute HIV infection is a condition that occurs 2 - 4 weeks after infection with the human immunodeficiency virus
(HIV).... ......After someone is infected with HIV, tests can detect antibodies to the virus in the blood. This is called HIV seroconversion (converting from HIV negative to HIV positive), and usually occurs within 3 months of exposure, but on rare occasions can occur up to a year after exposure."

I have very specific medical records from seeing my doctor when I had those symptoms. So my question is, the 2-4 week rule of thumb, is that from the time of EXPOSURE or from the time I actually seroconverted? Do I look back 2-4 weeks before the symptoms and whoever is in that window is the one? I had no other partners between him and my ex. Does exposure=infection or does seroconversion=infection? Because if it's from the time I seroconverted, it could have been from the ex or the friend, but if it was from exposure, it would have only been possible from the friend. I know at this point it doesn't "really matter", but it is the thing that I think about most.

I plan on notifying both obviously.

mecch · « **Reply #10 on:** April 04, 2009, 10:27:21 pm »

I was identified by blood test in seroconversion. The HIV specialist and noted Swiss expert in HIV said the window was 2-4 weeks before seroconversion symptoms. I assume each person is a bit different - some have no infection symtoms, some very severe. I think that 2-4 weeks is about standard. Then you have some play until you develop antibodies, as well.

Ann · « **Reply #11 on:** April 05, 2009, 05:45:39 am »

Quote from: justaguy on April 04, 2009, 01:21:23 pm

So my question is, the 2-4 week rule of thumb, is that from the time of EXPOSURE or from the time I actually seroconverted?

The 2-4 week "rule of thumb" is from the time of exposure/infection.

Seroconversion: sero=blood, conversion=change. So, seroconversion means the blood has changed from hiv antibody negative to hiv antibody positive. It takes a bit of time for antibodies to be produced - it doesn't happen the moment hiv enters the bloodstream.

The seroconversion illness that SOME people experience is actually a result of the process your body goes through when creating antibodies, more so than from the actual virus itself. (One thing the body produces during this antibody-making period is interferon. Anyone who has taken interferon as a treatment for hep C will tell you that it causes all sorts of flu-like malaise.)

Not everyone experiences any noticeable illness (and MANY don't) - and this is one of the reasons why so many are walking around with a virus they don't know they have. They don't get sick and so think they've not been infected and don't bother to test.

Most people will test positive on the antibody tests by six weeks following exposure/infection - but the window period currently remains at three months to catch the rare person who takes a bit longer than six weeks to create enough antibodies to be detected.

Ann

adawg · « **Reply #12 on:** April 05, 2009, 12:11:12 pm »

I just found out in October. It has been a difficult adjustment. I have been in therapy and would highly recommend it to others. Like many others my age (47) I lost many friends during the 80's and 90's and learning of my status opened lots of old wounds. My therapist keeps drilling into me that HIV is now a technical issue like diabetes but my mind is having a difficult time accepting this.

I started taking Atripla immediately becuase the doctor suggested it. My vload started over 150,000 and tcell was 420. Since taking the medication, my viral load dropped to 110 and stayed there for a couple of months. My tcell jumped to over 700 but dropped into the 600's my last visit. I understand tcell count can change within just a few hours and is not the best gauge. I have learned a lot but still want to know more. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that oral sex is not safe.

I am not familiar with CD4. I have an appointment this week so I will ask more about it. If anyone can explain it in a way I can understand it, I would appreciate it.

I just stumbled onto this site but there seems to be some good information and lots of support.

Thanks everyone.

jampdx · « **Reply #13 on:** April 05, 2009, 12:19:21 pm »

I am so very sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I'm fairly new to the adjustment also and it is so much to take in and process.

Good job on reaching out to the forum here and opening up, these people are very educated on the topic and supportive.

If there is anything I can do including just listening, please feel free to drop me a line. I definitely haven't sorted through it all, but after reading for a couple months now on here, reading everything I can find online, getting a good HIV specialist, there is so much hope and this is not a death sentence any longer, it's a long term chronic illness.

Sincerely,

Jacob

justaguy · « **Reply #14 on:** April 05, 2009, 01:07:05 pm »

Thanks everyone. Thanks to xanax, my anxiety has been substantially reduced these past few days. I'm trying to limit use since I know it's habit forming. I did GREAT yesterday, but this morning woke up in a panic. First of all I overslept, and I have so much to do today. I have a lot of things going on - remodeling a home, moving in the next few weeks, lots of work projects, etc, and to add this to the mix just really doesn't help. Of course, my thoughts this morning were "What IF the guy I think gave it to me isn't the guy? WHat if I forgot someone?? What if I gave it to the guy I think gave it to me?? If he did give it to me, who else has he given it to in the year since then? Who did he get it from??" It's all those thoughts that ultimately don't make a difference, but still affect the emotions.

Anyway, I'm going to get out of bed now, take a shower, try to have lunch with a friend, and get started on my to do list. Life goes on, and I found yesterday that keeping up with normal tasks and responsibilities really helped me remember that I AM the same person i was before.

positivmat · « **Reply #15 on:** April 05, 2009, 09:42:12 pm »

Hey sorry to hear about your diagnosis. The adjustment is tough and so are the nagging thoughts. I suffer from those but they have slowed down lately as I reach out and get in touch with this new identity. Be well and take care of yourself first. Reduce the amount of stress around your move and other changes by enlisting support from friends or support group. My first month was more shock and second month I could have used xanax help. Keep up with anything you did to get out of your head if you can. I have been maintaining my tennis schedule so I can practice focusing on non hiv stuff. Make time for yourself to decompress. Take care
Matt

Ann · « **Reply #16 on:** April 06, 2009, 08:52:12 am »

Quote from: adawg on April 05, 2009, 12:11:12 pm

I am not familiar with CD4. I have an appointment this week so I will ask more about it. If anyone can explain it in a way I can understand it, I would appreciate it.

Dawg, check out the Lessons section of this website, in particular the Understanding Your T-cell Test Lesson. T-cell is another way of saying CD4. The Lessons here are written in plain, easy to understand English and are very informative.

Ann

justaguy · « **Reply #17 on:** April 07, 2009, 07:41:37 pm »

Things just keep getting weirder.

My doctor called today, he wants me to see a different ID specialist, and sooner. He got my CD4 results back - 136!!?? He seems very concerned. I go in next Wednesday. I'm not scared - yet.

I'm just so confused as to where this all came from and how it got so bad so quickly. Is it common? My previous estimate of an infection date was a year ago, but would I have gotten this bad this quickly??

Jody · « **Reply #18 on:** April 07, 2009, 08:41:54 pm »

Hi justaguy...Take one step at a time. There is no need to panic. Living with HIV is just going to be a part of your life, not your entire life. If you do start meds you will probably find yourself getting better numbers real soon and if you decide you are not yet ready for the committment of an everyday regimen right away it doesn't mean you will become ill. Are there any support groups in your area you can join to meet other folks who are experiencing what you are, maybe newbies to HIV or more experienced folks who can show you the way to live with HIV and deal with it as well as you can.

Be well and stay in touch and feel free to PM me anytime.

Jody

Fri213 · « **Reply #19 on:** April 07, 2009, 08:57:59 pm »

Quote from: justaguy on April 07, 2009, 07:41:37 pm

Things just keep getting weirder.

My doctor called today, he wants me to see a different ID specialist, and sooner. He got my CD4 results back - 136!!?? He seems very concerned. I go in next Wednesday. I'm not scared - yet.

I'm just so confused as to where this all came from and how it got so bad so quickly. Is it common? My previous estimate of an infection date was a year ago, but would I have gotten this bad this quickly??

My situation is very similar. I was neg Dec 07, tested positive Feb 09 and my CD4 was 235 on my first test. I was shocked. You can read my experience here http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=25951

Some people just progress more quickly than others. I made the decision to get on meds ASAP and it hasn't been bad at all.

positivmat · « **Reply #20 on:** April 07, 2009, 09:18:57 pm »

My doctor's attitude was that he was ready to take care of me no matter what numbers came in. For me I went on meds and within 4 wks, my cd4 was up and my viral load almost nil. Don't worry about your #s cause I am sure you will find the right path back up with your doc. Joining a live support group was wonderful for me. The support and great advice I got from these guys was really unbelievable. They got me cheaper insurance. Told me all about where to go for other support groups and what agencies could help. But the best thing about the group was hearing them talk and how they had fashioned really fantastic lives for themselves despite having been diagnosed in the 80's for the most part. It was truly inspiring. Anyway, not only did they answer my concerns about my v/l and cd4 count,they also told me about some of their own challenges which they had overcome. After being with them, I felt much more at ease with what I would be able to overcome. Your cd4 count sounds low but I am sure that if you have a good hiv specialist, that your count will be addressed in the best manner. I understand the anxiety. Find out what you can and then make a decision with the specialist for your best course of action. I will be thinking of you. Good luck
Matt

justaguy · « **Reply #21 on:** April 07, 2009, 09:40:02 pm »

THanks for the quick responses. You guys are making me feel better.

I went for my first therapy session today. Between the Xanax and the therapy, I was really feeling back to being "me" again - almost. Then the doc called. He was concerned about the CD4 and wanted me to start on antibiotics to make sure I didn't get sick. My original ID doctor apptmt wasn't going to be until May 19th, but he said he wanted me to go see a different one, next Wednesday, due to the low numbers. He didn't have a viral load yet..

Reflecting on all this, it is really amazing to me how crazy fate is. If I hadn't bought this new investment property, I wouldn't have applied for life insurance, and if I hadn't applied for life insurance, I wouldn't have gotten the bloodwork, which wouldn't have caught the HIV, etc. Thank GOD I found out now before some kind of infection got ahold of me. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I really feel VERY lucky.

newhorizon80 · « **Reply #22 on:** April 07, 2009, 11:54:27 pm »

Quote from: justaguy on April 05, 2009, 01:07:05 pm

\"What IF the guy I think gave it to me isn't the guy? WHat if I forgot someone?? What if I gave it to the guy I think gave it to me?? If he did give it to me, who else has he given it to in the year since then? Who did he get it from??" It's all those thoughts that ultimately don't make a difference, but still affect the emotions.

When I tested positive last year, for the several weeks after my test, I could not stop thinking about who may have passed HIV to me. It was wearing me down to the point were I was exhausting myself and had no energy. I had met with a county case manager about three weeks into knowing I was positive and she said I just had to let it go; and for the most part, I did. Sure, there are times the thought passes in my mind about who, but what good will that do for me? None, so the thought passes. I know this is all new to you, so hopefully you can start to work on trying to get passed the whole 'who' part. ...Message me if you want to chat more.

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Author Topic: Just found out (Read 9514 times)