Tested HIV+ three days ago. Just want to say everything.

[Deleterious]

Hey all.

I'm a 26 year old gay (or bi, never been 100% on that front) guy living in Tasmania, Australia. And I found out three days ago that I'm HIV+.

I've had a lot of unprotected sex, so from whom is a bit of a mystery. The initial test shows that I've had it for a while though, probably over a year. About three years ago there was a shitstorm of a debacle with the sexual health service down here when my boyfriend at the time got arrested for non-disclosure. It's a long story, but in a nutshell I wanted to help him rather than ruin his life, but the Public Health Service saw it another way. So I gave up on getting tested, because I was scared of the same thing happening to me. And because I was furious about everything.  I don't want to enter a debate on this part of the story - you don't know the details and what's done is done.  No offence.

And now I'm finally having to deal with the consequences. I think the thing I find hardest to cope with is the fact that it's not recent. That it's been a year, at least. Probably more. All those times I thought about getting tested 'to put my mind at rest that I was fine'. The fact that when I went in for the tests I had read up on PreP and had decided that I owed it to myself to get on it ASAP. No such luck, unfortunately.

The big legal ho-down with public health and dating a guy who was guilt-wracked and in denial about his HIV status made me feel like having unprotected sex and not serosorting partners was some kind of altruistic mission to simultaneously show what an open minded person I was and give the finger to a system I'd lost all respect for.

And to make it even more fun, around the same time as all that went down I started drinking a lot. Not full-on alcoholic, but often. Erratic binges. And then just getting pissed every night because I could.

And now? I feel so numb. So flat. Listless. There's no surprise at all, just a sort of internal ache and a growing realisation that I had been running headfirst into this for years, showing absolutely no regard for the consequences.

As you may have inferred, I'm not feeling at my best. But...I'm glad I know. I'm glad I finally got my shit together and decided to do the right thing by finding out. I think I expected it. I wrote a lot in my diary in the week between getting tested and receiving the results, and on rereading I realised that I was planning for a positive result. Because a negative result after all the hectic stuff I've done would either be a joke or a medical miracle. 

I know it's highly treatable these days. I know I'm not alone (on a national level, anyway. Tasmania is tiny...) with this. I know I'll probably live as long as any other person. But it doesn't make it any better, the process I went through to get here. I just can't get past this faint internalised horror about what I've done. Not quite regret...more like amazement that I actually did a lot of the things I've done.  And wondering is this diagnosis means that I'll either be forced to change into a more stable, responsible person or keep on the same crooked path.

I apologise for how long this is, but writing it down makes it easier for me to think about it. This could go in the diary, but I feel like I need to broadcast myself; the last week or so I've spent almost entirely in my own head, and I need to let it out.

I've told a few people.  I'm a bit of a loner, but I have some solid people I can trust and tell anything. I've received nothing but support, which is obviously a huge positive. They know what I'm like, and are ready to help and learn about it with me. I've never valued a friend more than I have in the last few days. It has literally brought me to tears to be able to tell them this and know that they'll do whatever they can to help.

I'm scared that no one will ever fall in love with me. That my life will just be hookups with skinheads who have biohazard tattoos on their chests. I'm scared to put a (+) on Grindr because the community is so small here, and I've slept with half of them. I already disclosed to a guy I have a semi-regular thing with and it was the hardest thing I've done so far. I can deal with hurting myself, but the thought of hurting someone I know and think is a great guy is another. His parents are both doctors, and he's terrified of getting tested because he thinks they'll find out.

Part of me wants to curl up in a ball and hope time stops, just so I never have to deal with any of this crap. Another part of me wants to disappear and start a new life somewhere. Yet another part of me wants to say 'fuck it', tell everyone who wants to hear and not give a toss what they think or say.

In short, I don't know what to do. I'm a big bundle of mixed emotions and I'm trying to make sense of something pretty huge while I'm still in the midst of coming to terms with the fact it's even real.  It'll take time, that's all. And tempus fugit, apparently.

In the unlikely event that you've managed to read this far, thankyou for listening to me. I'm not looking for redemption or sympathy, just an opportunity to pour it all out and hope that someone else can maybe identify with it. I know I was irresponsible. I know I was stupid. I know it's people like me who are the reason many people get infected. I'm that sociopathic percentage that ruins the picnic for everyone by being reckless and not getting tested. For what it's worth, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. It's only now that I've realised that I wasn't only hurting myself. And that knowledge is ripping me apart inside. I never wanted to ruin anyone's life, just play roulette with my own because I hated the alternative and everything it implied. And the saddest thing is that I can't do anything to make it better.

That's all. I've gotten it off my chest, a little.

Thanks for reading.

[CaveyUK]

Hey there. Your feelings are completely normal.

The vast majority of people on here took risks which is why they are here. Most if not all will have been aware of the potential consequences but chose to take the risk regardless. Some will also have been scared of testing for one reason or another (I know I was, for years).

It's natural to look back and have regrets but it's a pointless exercise. You are where you are and nothing at this point will change that, so it is better to just look to the future, sort yourself out and plough on...

Dating/Sex is a tricky area for people living with the virus, but it's not all bleak. The latest studies have confirmed that a positive person with undetectable viral-load cannot transmit the virus. There are many serodiscordant relationships where the negative partner is 100% understanding and supportive. As the condition slowly 'normalises' over time, that will become more and more common.

Looking for unprotected sex with other HIV+ guys reduces the concern obviously, but does introduce risks of other STI's which can be harder to treat and deal with than HIV.

Will your behaviour likely change and have to adapt? Yeah probably...but that doesn't mean you have to live a life of chastity and never have great sex. And it certainly doesn't mean you won't find someone special to live the rest of your life with, be they pos or neg.

As for disclosure - it is a very emotive subject and everyone is different and has different circumstances. My only advice right now is to not rush to disclose until you have thought it through...once it's out there it's out there and takes on a life of it's own so whilst you may elect to be completely open about your status, I would count-to-ten before taking this path just to make sure you are really prepared. Initially keep it to those that 'need to know' either from a medical perspective or from a providing-support perspective. In reality, very few people 'need' to know. Everything beyond that is entirely up to you.

So to summarise - take your time to digest everything and don't rush into anything rash. Read up about the condition, treatment and outlook but avoid reading random out of date things on the web. Stick to resources like this one. Ask any questions you may have as there are lots of knowledgable people and most of all - don't let HIV define you. You are the same person you always have been...always keep that in mind.

And welcome to the forums

[JosephP]

Dear Deleterious, HIV is not the easiest diagnosis to digest! But your numbness is normal. I felt the same when told and couldn't phantom the idea that I might have compromised someone else. It has been almost three years and although it has gotten easier, I haven't disclosed but to three people! Disclosing is a very personal item and when ready you will know. In short, I don't know what to do. I'm a big bundle of mixed emotions and I'm trying to make sense of something pretty huge while I'm still in the midst of coming to terms with the fact it's even real.  It'll take time, that's all. And tempus fugit, apparently. Yes, you do know what to do and you have already done. Chin up and keep on moving forward! As my doctor told me, "you are not dying from HIV, you are living with HIV"

[Deleterious]

Thankyou for the kind responses. I think I was angling for a bit of rage to be directed at me so I could either bite back or feel even worse about everything.

A few days have given me a lot more perspective. Time heals all, figuratively.

I remember a few years ago one of my good mates went bush for a few weeks on a big kayaking trip and came back with the most wild, hideous beard I'd ever seen. He decided to keep it and when I asked him if it wasn't a sure fire way to minimise his chances of getting a root he said 'Nah mate, it's great. It's the ultimate filter - keeps all the girls who are shallow enough to care about a big beard out of my way and keep the path clear for the crazy fun ones'. Granted he's a mad bushman who's into hippie chicks that vote for the marijuana party, but I think he's got a point.

So, for the meantime, I'm going to treat being HIV+ as being more or less the same as having a big, intimidating beard. And all it entails for one's sex life.

Once again, the passing of time may cause me to review this stance. But for now it's pertinent, reasonably plausible and makes me giggle every time I think of it. So it's staying.

Cheers again

[mecch]

Welcome here.

Im sorry you have to deal with this difficult adjustment.

I have a cynical thing to say I suppose.  You can use the diagnosis to mean anything you want about your future sexual behaviour and your partying.  But it doesn't necessarily have to mean or produce anything in those areas. 

It really is just a virus and you are going to take the treatment, i hope, and soon.  I read your intro and it seems you found plenty of partners willing to bareback with no questions asked, just as you were willing to do it, so were I in your shoes I wouldnt look back and beat myself up about anything - what's done is done and everyone was adult and owners of whatever they were doing.

It rots you had a situation with a guy in denial.  Geez I had that way back in the 80s when HIV was AIDS for pretty much anyone who got HIV.  He didn't tell me for a few years, but in those times, a lot of us had safe sex, so I was HIV negative during and after. I walked away from the relation when he told me, my trust ruined. He really tore himself up with the inability to talk about having HIV.  Good news is he survived to the treatment in the 90s and life goes on. We're friends now.

HIV criminalisation laws are deplorable.  Im really sorry these laws put you through the wringer and may indeed have contributed to your choices and thus infection.

Just know the most important thing you can do going forward is get on treatment and get undetectable.  That's important for you, you're the priority. So young. Protect your young vitality and health and go forward.  Secondly, when you are undetectable, you won't be passing on the HIV virus if you are barebacking.

You can continue barebacking if thats your jam or move on to new pastures also if thats your jam.  That's the cynical thing I have to say.  HIV isn't going to change much if you want to have bareback sex with one partner or many different partners. It makes things clearer.  At your age there will be takers after you disclose, whether they are positive or negative.

But the plot thickens.  There's a catch.

Here in Switzerland and Western Europe we are all dealing with the uptick in STIs because so many are barebacking. I'm not talking about HIV rather all the other. 

I wasn't much of a barebacker when I got HIV about 8 years ago but enough to get it, so. 

After I got on treatment and undetectable, I REALLY got into being a barebacker with multiple partners, and I got HEP C.  Fortunately, I was one of the people who can permanently self cure/clear HCV. 

Do you know what? Now, there is a cure of HEP C and RICH Switzerland decided not to oblige basic insurance to provide to all infected.  That's right. People can get it and NOT get the CURE, because its so freaking expensive. 

My experience with HIV+ barebackers is that they are all ready and willing to disclose they are poz but I have never met one who copped to having HEP C.  So, its sort of the same old conundrum.  HCV is like a new kind of HIV, though not as deadly or grisly for many years of course. Still, one doesn't want it. And it limits options for partners who will deal.

HIV neg people currently using PrEP to free sexuality from condoms are probably facing the same dilemma.  More and more HIV+ and HIV- guys barebacking = more and more people getting STIs including HCV.  Well, this house of cards is going to collapse. If guys are asking for 70K cures for HEP C every other year in their sex lives...

The HCV cure is not protective.  When the antibodies go, you can get it again. How dreary.

In a nutshell, just deal with and adjust to the HIV infection as cooly and responsibly as you can and, on another agenda, figure out all the rest - sexuality, love and relationships. 

Now a number of years after my HCV wakeup call, I will still sometimes bareback and know I could get HCV again, and my doc says its certainly not a guarantee I could clear another infection. So why do I do it. Damned if I really know, nor does my shrink. Sexual choices are really quite muddled. I did a better job in my 20's than my 50's!

Try to divide these things. HIV is kind of a small or at least straightforward challenge, nowadays, compared to building and conducting a fulfilling sex and love life. 

Good luck.

[Deleterious]

Cynical or not, you're completely right. You can't rely on events or other people's choices to be a catalyst for changing your own behaviours. I only realised that in the last couple of days, at around the same time that I realised I don't actually feel any different after having been diagnosed. Yeah, I'm a bit shaky and discombobulated, but it's still the same person who's feeling that way.

I had my first appointment with a doctor (rather than the sexual health nurse all my previous visits have been with) and I think that helped to knock it into my head that the only real change is that I'll need to take medication, get regular checkups and be aware that I will need to disclose/take precautions in certain circumstances. I may as well just have diabetes or any another 'shit but manageable' condition.

That said, I don't want to be the HIV+ guy who's always coming in for checkups and having to explain how I managed to get yet another bout of rectal chlamydia despite using protection. And as the law here currently states 'you must take all reasonable precautions to prevent the transmission of HIV' you can get in a bit of strife if you're constantly presenting with STI's.  And I don't want to complicate my life with HCV anytime soon, which funnily enough I had never really considered a real risk. HIV yes, but Hepatitis had always been filed away in the back of my head as something rare and exotic that didn't really have a presence in Australia. Wrong!

Anyhow, I'm feeling a lot better about it all now. I've gotten past the initial shock, and I've started eating and sleeping better again. And I'm making the effort to get out of the house and hang out with people. I'm back at work now (took a few days off because I didn't feel like I'd be able to focus) which is good too, there's not much at an airport that makes you think about your own diseases. And it feels good to know that I'm still just as physically capable as I ever was. I dunno....it sounds silly, but it all helps to make me feel as normal as I did before.

I'm still waiting on the lab in Melbourne to do all their genotyping stuff, so I've another appointment with the doc in three weeks. By then he should have all the data back and he can prescribe a regimen.  Which I see no reason not to start immediately. If I can manage to adhere to antibiotics then I can manage ARV therapy.

One question. My initial blood showed a cd4 count of 370 and a viral load of 970. I know now that cd4 has a very variable baseline from person to person, and without knowing what mine was its hard to say how much it's gone down. But considering I seroconverted over two years ago, 970 seems like a very low value compared to the tens or hundreds of thousands people on here report. The doc put it down to my relatively young age and presumably robust immune system, but I'd be interested to know anyone's thoughts/experiences as to why it might be as low as it is.

Cheers

[mecch]

Its low because your immune system tamps it down well.  You're CD4 aren't fab so they should rise when the drug takes over stopping the virus from replication.

[harleymc]

Hi Del,
well you'll not be the only person in Tasmania who is positive or has tested positive, but small communities can be playgrounds for gossips and trolls. I'd wait until Medications are working before racing out and and sticking a

• on your profile. Then you'll be more in control of your circumstances.

You'll probably have a nice bump in health after your medications start. Do be realistic with your doctor about whether food restrictions or differing work shifts may make some therapies trickier than others, as these meds are for the long haul.

Good luck and hugs

[Deleterious]

Harley....is that an insinuation that you're down here too? If so, I'd be keen for to hang out sometime, if you'd like.

As regards being open about my status, I just did a bit of experimenting. I went to Melbourne for three days (just got back a few hours ago) and decided to throw caution to the wind and chucked a (+) after my Grindr name. Lo and behold, I ended up talking to/meeting lots of awesome, hot guys around my age who were fine with my status and also fine with the fact I'm not at a point where I want to slut about quite yet. It made me realise that my beard analogy (see previous post) is actually dead right; being upfront about having HIV immediately gets rid of a lot of guys who, at the end of the day, I probably wouldn't get along with all that much. I'd be mortified if I was negative and sleeping with someone who would never consider sleeping with a guy because of his HIV status. So by just being as obvious as possible about it, I ended up meeting a bunch of guys I actually LIKE. It's fucking insane. I love it!

Over the last week I've also done what is either the right or the masochistic thing and told everyone I've had a casual/regular sexual relationship with what the deal is. While no one has been excited about the news, they're all aware and say they're going to get tested. One of them (a Melbourne guy) just started making out with me and as an afterthought asked 'Should I put a condom on?' To which I replied '....probably?'. Much laughter and amazing, protected sex ensued. Which was good; helped me realise I don't need to chop my dick off just because I have HIV.

So after the amazingly healthy, encouraging experience that was Melbourne this weekend, I've decided not to remove the (+) from my Grindr profile. If people can't deal with it, it's well and truly their problem. Without being crass, I've shagged everyone I want to shag down here anyway, so it's not like I'm burning any bridges. I cbf having an awkward disclosure conversation every time I want to hook up with someone, and at another level I think it could do a world of good for the Tassie boys to see an HIV+ profile of a young, attractive guy with his abs out every time they fire up the sexytime app. Unless they decide to block me on grounds of distastefulness, which they are free to do.

So yay for diversity and such. And if I get ostracised by the gay community, so be it. It's not like the Tassie scene is all that scintillating anyhow, in my experience. And I wouldn't like to think that my acceptance within it was reliant on people not knowing I have HIV.


And regarding meds, I still don't have the genotyping/resistance results back yet. I've got an appointment in ten days time, when hopefully the lab in Melbourne has finished all their tests and the doctor can make some decisions. Obviously the drugs will depend on what I've got, but are there any that would be particularly inappropriate for a shift worker? I usually do three or four 4am starts then move on to the same number of 2pm starts. And my job involves operating machinery (aircraft container loaders and other airporty stuff). I'll ask for opinions again when I know what's on offer, but is there anything to definitively reject based on that?

Cheers again. I'm liking the interactive journal format.

[CaveyUK]

Due to your job I would steer clear of anything containing Efavirenz (such as 'Atripla'). It's a drug that millions are fine with but it's an older class and can have some early side effects which can be troublesome (vivid dreams, dizziness - some say it is like feeling drunk).

Aside from that you should be good. I'd probably take a few days off when you start taking them (if you can) because on any regimen the first few days are your body getting used to them and it can (not will) make you feel a bit crappy.

Good on you for the positive outlook on everything though. Thats half the battle with this condition...

[gcr.mty.mx]

@Deleterious, 32 year old male from Mexico over here.

I thought I'd share a little of my experience and perhaps you can relate a little bit. Not sure if thats the case but what the heck.

After the initial shock of knowing I was positive I felt that HIV forced me to take a step back and analyze the events that had led up to this moment in my life.

For me there's two sides to it. First and most important is getting all your tests completed and know where you stand medically so that you can begin whatever treatment  is better suitable for you and addressing any other co-infections you may or may not have. While resolving this you will learn more about the condition. I would recommend not getting too caught up in reading information online that may not be applicable to you and that I've found in some cases can be outdated. I have told a couple of other newly diagnosed guys to be patient patients. It takes a few weeks to get things sorted out but eventually you will fall in the routine of taking your medication everyday.

Second issue for me has to do with emotions, feelings and thoughts. I have had the fortunate chance of receiving counseling and begun resolving them. The thing is I would have probably continued engaging in risky behaviour and not embracing my issues if I hadn't gotten infected. Its bittersweet. I'm more confident than ever, with more selfesteem... but HIV positive. I'm trying to make this virus not be the important thing in my life. Personally that's what I'm dealing with and working on at the moment.

I believe (this may not be true for everyone) that getting past HIV has a lot to do with taking care of the medical and emotional sides. I would advice you to try it if it is available to you. I know there are other people that get through it in a blink of an eye, I have found it a little more challenging.

This doensn't mean you have to stop having sex and enjoying life!    ...I make better choices than before now and I am very carefull about exposing others, but I'm slowly beginning to enjoy my sex life again.

I really don't know how small a community you live in but you'd be surprised at the number of people that are also positive or are informed and would take a chance at dating someone who is poz. I too have experimented with adding a + on my grindr name and have gotten in touch with dozens of people (though I'm carefull about who I share my pictures and cell number with).

My advice is to just take a step back. If you can talk to someone about your issues I think it would help you a lot.

Bring your A game into this, its only your life we're talking about and its really no fun and not necessary to live an unhappy one. Take control.

Be strong,

G.