Yes, My father gave me HIV/AIDS

[Jeffreyj]

I was molested as a prepubescent 12 y.o. by my father. He also went after my Friends in high school, and word got out. My life became a living hell for a few years. I was a victim. So that really confused me sex-wise for many years. So, I blame my father for my having HIV.







why the hell not?

I am telling you this because I want those of you who have had a similar experience that it's OK. You can survive an ordeal like this.  I was not able to talk about this for 7 years. I was in therapy for some 6 years. It was the best thing I ever had done. Talking about it, (not easy especially at first)I found to most helpful. By sharing this God awful experience with my shrink, I was able to come out of the dark and into the light.

As years have gone on, it has become easier and easier to talk about with others. I find this to be most helpful: therapeutic if you will.

In a strange kind of way, I truly believe I am a stronger person having survived this traumatic experience. This "survival" strength I obtained during this time, has given me the courage and the strength to deal with getting HIV in 1984. You live, you learn, and you move forward, not back. I was able to do this in large part by forgiving, (but not forgetting. It is something I think about every day)

In Short: You forgive, You don't forget.

I hope no one out there has had a similar experience. But I realize that is not very realistic. So I would encourage you, if you have, to talk it out. you don't have to do it here. I'd be happy to take your PM if you want to share. You can be assured that it will remain between just me and you. But if you so choose to go public, that is cool too. But please talk to someone. It is a healthy thing to do.

[Bucko]

I have discussed this on PM this before with members of AIDSmeds, and might have come clean in the "old threads" but, yeah...I survived parental sexual abuse as well. My spin was that it was my mother, and yeah...it sux.

I don't, however, blame anyone. My virus belongs to me, no one else.

Brent
(Who would rather not discuss it, thanks)

[dtwpuck]

Jeffrey....  it is extremely brave that you talk about this openly.  I wholeheartedly agree that it is critical to forgive in order to heal.  While I did not get hiv from my father...  I was physically abused by both my father and step father... and I was molested by my cousin.   Learning to forgive them, and my mother for allowing it, was a major part of my healing process.  It's still difficult to discuss at times. 

Adding hiv to the mix is serious.  The fact that you are reaching out to help others is extraordinarily commendable.  There definitely is a certain understanding between people who have this experience.  It's one of those things that you have to go through in order to really understand how it effects you.  And because it happened as a child, it often manifests itself in subconscious ways.  My respect goes out to you, my friend, at the very least to comment on your motivation to post this:   to help others going through the same thing.

Scott

[Jeffreyj]

Scott,and Bucko. Sorry to hear what happend to you both. You are to be commended for sharing your story. You are not alone!

 I kind of believe that had my Dad left me alone, I very well may not have gotten HIV. I got the virus at a time when no one knew what the hell it was. Heck, it was not even called HIV when I got it (htlvIII was my diagnosis)
Don't get me wrong, I take responsibility for my HIV. I own it. I get that. I'm just saying my circumstance certainly contributed to it. I think that's safe to say.

[Moffie65]

My Dear Jeffery,

That first day I placed my arms around you when we first met; I knew you were a very different and very special person.  This post, along with many you have placed here, prove my sense.  You are very special, and I thank you for being strong and honest to your soul.

Thanks Jeffery.

LOve,

[Peter6836]

I just want to say that I feel so privileged to be a part of a community like this. AIDS and HIV has been a challenge for me. Bu, the people that I get to be around the courage and wisdom that I get to experience from them is certainly a blessing. I do not have a story to share although I want to thank you all for your honesty. All of you help me to be a better person every day!
Peter

[aztecan]

Jeffrey,

I feel priviliged you have shared this part of your self with us. The fact you are reaching out to others speaks volumes to the strength of your character.

You are a special man.

HUGS,

Mark

[Ihavehope]

Jeff

Thank you for sharing with us the horrific experience you dealt with as an pre-teen. My experience was not like yours but I do blame my childhood for ending up having HIV as well. I sometimes blame my parents, but that is not right of me to do so because after all I was 26 when I got it and they didn't know many things that occured to me when I was a kid. Keeping deep secrets from your loved ones can actually hurt one more than the actual secret. If I would have communicated many occurances that happened to me as a child/teenager to my loved ones perhaps I would not have been where I am now.

Al

[AlanBama]

Jeffrey, this post has blown me away...I had no idea.

You are indeed a remarkable guy, this post is evidence of the strength of your character.

I keep trying to explain to my friend G (who also happens to be an alcoholic) that you have to be able to forgive people.  He is holding some grudges that go back 30 years or more -- it's just not healthy.    We don't have to forget what has happened to us, but forgiveness is key.

love & hugs,

Alan

[Buckmark]

Jeffrey,

It takes a lot of courage and strength to tell your story here.  I can't imagine how devastating this was for you as a 12 year old growing up, or how long-lasting the effects must be. 

Sharing your experience here will hopefully inspire others to realize that healing is possible if you seek help. Talking about it cannot be easy, nor can forgiving, but they are so important.

Henry

[Jeffreyj]

Henry, talking about it and forgiveness is actually easier then holding it in. It took me 15 years to talk to someone. And I felt like a new man, almost immediately. The forgiveness came a few years after. Then I felt like a refrigerator was lifted off my shoulders.

Henry I totally agree with you. Both are real important.

[cmhjeff]

In Short: You forgive, You don't forget.

Jeffrey I agree 100%! For me I was in elementary school and the abuse was by my oldest of 3 brothers. It would happen after school and when my mom was at work. My brother was a juvenile delinquent often in trouble with the law for drugs and theft so I've forgiven by telling myself it wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for the drugs. There are things I simply can't forget like the terrible smell of Zest soap. I to the day have periodic nightmares and my gut feeling tells me it's all related. Sex was only easy in anonymous sex situations and difficult when I felt genuine feelings for my partner. Getting touched could freak me out at times so it was just easier to get it done quick. I still don' t feel comfortable with getting a massage. I thank my lucky stars I have Jeffrey in my life because it's different after being with someone for 10 years - It's OK.

I didn't know if I'd reply but it does feel better being able to share. Until now I've only told a few others on here about the abuse but probably never to that extent.

Jeff

[curmudgeonly]

Jeffrey,

Your story is testament to the human ability to become a better person after experiencing horrific abuse.  It is an ability many lack.  Sharing such personal trauma here is also a rare trait and shows you have overcome myriad emotional hurdles and won the race. 

I wish you a happy, healthy life!

[Christine]

Jeffery and Jeff,

I am honored that you shared your experience with all of us. And, I am so sorry you had to go through them. The bravery of both of you, and of the other members of this forums, continues to amaze me.

Christine

[david25luvit]

Jeffery....

                 Let me say how brave and courageous you are to broach such a sensitive and painful subject....indeed many children are
sexually abused and their lives impacted negatively for years to come.  Having been a brother who had to protect his sister from a
grandfather, I saw first hand the terror my sister endured during her early teenaged years.  It was a secret she and I carried for a long time
and a secret that (I believe) has haunted her entire adult life.  My grandfather's early morning visits (during the summer while our devorced
mother was at work) made it necessary that I always be present...awake and literally by her side....  A fact that drove a wedge between
my grandfather and me.  Having to grow up and hear from our mother how WONDERFUL her daddy was versus how TERRIBLE our daddy was
made my sister's arguement to keep our little secret from her valid.  Luckily my grandfather died while she and I were teenagers and
despite how awful it may sound...I believe she and I were RELIEVED when he passed away.  Unfortunately the impact of what he did or
tried to do to her did not die with him....  Even today she blames herself for what transpired....has never talked to anyone other than myself
and continues to struggle with her own self recriminations.  Her lack of self worth often breaks my heart as she thinks so little of herself.
She gives her husband of many years and her two grown sons all that she has to give....nothing for herself as she believes she deserves nothing
and that bothers me more than anything.

                    When she found out I was sick, my sister turned her back on me....and participated in a family meeting that would
in effect close the door between my family and me.  At first this broke my heart....and gave me great pain until I realized years later
that her reaction was symptomatic of her fear of losing me...losing the one person on this earth that held not only her secret but understood
the pain she suffers even today.  When I think of my sister I think of self sacrifice and self denial....I think of a person who was so gentle and so
tender that the events of our childhood...the physical and verbal abuse by our mother, our father's absence and having to raise our younger
brother ...hoping to protect him from the same abuse we ourselves had to endure...but failed....left her unable to even love herself.

                    On a personal note, I found having sex as a minor agreeable...being gay and having sex allowed me to freely express those secret feelings.  Allowed me to explore those feelings.  Unlike my sister, sex was not a dirty word to me....  Coming out at seventeen and disclosing my sexual preference opened the door for me to face many of life's challenges and to
exorcise many demons I carried with me from my childhood.  I fear my sister never got that opportunity to face and ultimately accept that what happened to her as a child was NOT her fault and that she is a very loveable individual worthy of all the love and affection we all deserve and need.
It took going thru anger management to make me realize that indeed therapy does help....talking about things and clearing the cobb webs of the past helps us to cope with not only our past but with our present and with our future. 

                   Jeffery I pray you have faced your demons and that you have come to terms with the past....Placing blame in my opinion suggest
you're still wrestling with your own self recriminations.  What your father did was and is unexcuseable.....perhaps unforgiveable....but at some level
you're going to have to accept what happened and forgive yourself ....and your father.  Children are innocent victims....not the cause of their (adult) parents failings.  I pray God gives you peace.  I admire your courage and your strength...facing the things you have...not just in your childhood but in your adult life as well.  Wish I could give you a big HUG!

[Jeffreyj]

David, wow that is an amazing story about you and your sister. You were a great brother to her. I'm sure deep down she realizes that. Sorry to hear that things have not worked out with your family.

One thing I learned in therapy years ago:

"You can't choose your family. But you can choose the time you spend with them."

I did not talk to my Dad for years(7 I think?) but I finally did. I fogave him. Though it was hard to do, it was sooo worth it.

Thanks to David, Scott, Bucko and Jeff for sharing your experiences.  And thank you to Moff, Al, Christine, Cermud, Henry Alan and Mark. Your kind words are so very much appreciated. I wish I could find the words to explain how much kindness and understanding you all have shown means, but I can't. Thank you, thank ,thank you!

[jntmax39]

Jeff
You are an inspiration to me.As a survivor of sexual,mental and physical abuse,I understand the pain and confusion you must of felt, you are a survivor. I am always in UAW of you and others in this forum.Forgiveness is the best gift you can give yourself.

[red_Dragon888]

Rape, in all its forms is unpleasent.   You had been raped, willingly or not, and you must live with it.  Giving people the chance to hear your cry is part of the healing process.  It is also I fear a never ending process.  You will endure things that most can not imagine and somehow survive.  Good luck and have a good life.