Someone Please Return My Sanity

[betterdaysahead22]

Okay - I am freaking. The hell. Out. I'm a hetero female in my early 20s and I'm undetectable. So in this scenario I have this going for me.

BUT. I was recently sleeping with a guy on a casual basis and I always always told him to wear a condom. To my knowledge he did every time .... but he didn't know I was positive. In my country laws dictate that I don't need to tell the person so long as protection is used, and I chose not to in this instance because people I work with could find out through him.

Setting aside whatever your morals tell you in this situation, please keep in mind that I insisted on protection. We had a falling out recently and stopped seeing each other ... and now I saw on Facebook that he's in hospital, because he's "just really sick". And one of his friends commented and said "it sucks you got so sick so fast".

I know the  risk level is super minimal, I know it's virtually impossible, but dear God I am terrified I've fucked up. Someone please rationalise with me. I've made contact with him asking how he is but I haven't heard back yet :/

[Irish Eyes]

I'm newly dx and from what I've learned in the last few months is, if a condom was used you did not expose him.
I realise the guilt is worse than the dx and unless you find out why he's in hospital there is no telling what ails him. More than likely it is something totally unrelated. Rarely if ever does seroconversion lead to hospitalization. Typical sero symptoms include any or all of the following, similar to having flu, aches and pains, loss of appetite, rash, lethargy.

[tednlou2]

His illness could be any number of things.  From what I've read, the H1N1 strain of the flu is responsible for something like 90% of illness.  And, that strain often times hits younger people much worse.  Could be flu or any number of things. 

I understand the worry.  When my partner doesn't feel well, there is still that part of me that wonders whether he's sick, due to getting infected.  But, you used a condom, you're UD, and negative folks get sick everyday. 

[mecch]

You are undetectable and used condoms.  So highly likely that you could not transmit HIV.
Nobody has a cystal ball or golden perfect ouiji board to figure out whats wrong with your ex - lover.

Why are you terrified? You respect the law.  And you have safe sex. 

You have to work on this going forward.  You don't want this guy as a lover so he's not the guy you can work on your fear with.  THE NEXT GUY - maybe you should disclose and see if that helps you get over the ruminative thoughts / fears that sex with you is dangerous.   I dunno. I don't have the answer.  Do you have an answer?  Anyway you can see yourself as not a walking potential HIV infection?  Its not all that easy to transmit, considering your sexual practices and your being undetectable...

[betterdaysahead22]

Oh you guys, and your tolerance of my nonsensical hysteria. I'd be in an asylum without you lot i swear <3
Well i went to see him today under the guise of saying I hadn't had my period in a while, and asking if he was definitely sure the condom never came off. He promised it never had, nor had it broken and nor had he tried to start it and then stopped. So I'm feeling much better. Also despite the fact that the doctor still wanted bloods, they discharged him after a day and diagnosed him definitely with glandular fever, pneumonia and a chest infection. COnsidering they had no effing idea what was up with me when i was seroconverting, I'd say things might be okay now. Might. Touch wood

Also Mecch yeah I have tried to be honest most of the time, but sometimes I just want to remember what it's like for the other half. I never do this unless I'm sure I wont be serious about them though, which was not the case for the guy I'm currently seeing. He knows and it was an obstacle for a while, but now he seems to really, really like me and care about me, and be absolutely absent concern where our sex life is concerned. And that does make me feel like I'm not dangerous or a contaminant. In fact it makes me feel just plain great