This will be too long

[wolfter]

First, I want to thank everybody for this forum.  I was at my proverbial end when I found this site.  I almost feel like this post should be in the "I'm so fucking pissed" section, but I couldn't find it.  Just when I feel like I'm making progress, something occurs that just cuts to my core.  I don't know long a post can be, but I have been stewing all morning and the white Zin isn't helping. 

My older brother is awesome.  He spent 20 years in the Air Force and is a Veteran of Gulf Storm, my only sister is married to a marine who has spent over 20 years.  He has done 3 tours in Afganistan.  My younger brother is a work-a-holic who has all the nice things in life.    This is just background.  The older brother (whom I've always cherished) asked me to install a new door to his new home.  I'm not a contractor, but he knows that Bill and I built our home and I did most of the work and I'm good at it.  I spent most of the day helping him and was quite worn. 

Now the problem, I found out today they all got together last night and I wasn't even called.  Maybe the Zin is kicking in, but I feel so angry that I wasn't even asked.  I have so  many thoughts that I'm sure aren't right, but I'm just so pissed. 

[wolfter]

Been told to " man Up" by brother......manning up probably got me where I'm at.

[bear60]

Hi
The title of your post is misleading....I thought I would be reading a novel.  And I am sure you left out the good parts...just kidding.

I am familiar with this feeling.  IT predates HIV.  I was left out of family events because I was gay and had a Lover/Partner that my parents did not approve of.  Thanksgiving for me was always with gay friends and we named it Our Orphans Thanksgiving.  Family, for me, became whomever I was involved with, friends and acquaintences.
As time went by ( the 80's and the 90's) my partner died of HIV and my new partner in 1996 was approved of by my Mom.  By the end of the 90's I was too busy and too wrapped up in my own life here in Philadelphia to be able to go to Thanksgiving anf Christmas with my parents.  Even tho they would have liked for us ( me and Kurt)  to be a part of events, I never went home for holidays.
The feeling of being left out can only hurt if you let it.  I think.....my opinion is... that if you can say to your family ( or in fact to anyone) that "I hope you had a nice time togther" and MEAN it.....  then you are free from the "I'm hurt because you left me out " feeling.   It takes a lot of practice.  I have been thru it with friends here.  If they had a dinner or party and I was not invited.  But, It has become possible for me to wish them well and understand that they have a life apart from me.  When I hear..."Jim and I are going to Rehoboth" , I say:  "I hope you have a lovely time, and tell me all about it when you get back."
This is getting long.  But I hope it helps a little bit.
And remember we are all allowed a "pity party" once in a while.
Joel

[Jeff G]

Hi wolf ... I have the kind of home where sometime get togethers just happen all on there own .

I have had some friends and family get hurt feelings when they find out unplanned get togethers turned into memorable events and they were not there to join in .

Is it possible that's what may be going on between you and the brother ?   

[wolfter]

Yeah, it does seem like a pity party.  I've spent the afternoon lying in bed dwelling.   This isn't something new, I guess, but at least when I had Bill, I never felt left out.  Perhaps in retrospect, no reaction at all is the best reaction to take. 

The emotions I felt made me feel like that 20 year old outcast again.  I never should have let it eat at my core!
I'm just gonna blame it on the meds, or the fact that I am a bit of a sissy who is too emotional....lol

[leatherman]

This isn't something new, I guess, but at least when I had Bill, I never felt left out.

sadly, being alone after being partnered for many years does make the loneliness and times when you're left out feel more important/dramatic than others think they are. When you're with someone and not invited to a gathering, you're less likely to notice it because you're not alone; however when you're "single" (after a death or a divorce), it's easy to notice the times that you're spending alone.

The contrast between those times when you were always with someone to these times when you're "single" and alone is something that plays on your mind and not in the minds of friends and family. There probably were other times that you and your partner weren't invited but you actually never noticed because you didn't have the death of a partner to so dramatically point out that y'all were left out. Whether 2 yrs or 5 yrs, 15 yrs or 20 yrs, you may always be affected by the death of your partner and have to deal with feeling of grief over that loss. I would like to offer you more hope about this kind of situation; but sadly it is what it is.

Shoot! Just a few yrs from my 2nd partner's death in 08, EVERYTHING I do makes me think how I'm doing it alone. I felt that way for nearly a decade after losing my 1st partner. since I knew to be expecting these feeling after losing a partner; I think I'm handling them okay this time around. Sadly knowing I would have these feelings doesn't make me NOT have them; but I can get a better handle on these feelings when they happen and not dwell on them quiet as much.

Don't read to much into that though. I cry at the oddest of times and fall into despondency for not much apparent reason - except for some situation making me realize once again that both Randy and Jim are dead. It is very sad and worthy of a pity party; but it's something you learn to take in stride as the consequences of having been in love. I would have loved to have had a partner with me for 50 or 60 yrs; but I wouldn't trade the 10 years of love I had with either of my guys for anything - not even knowing that I would lose them.

But don't hold it against your family that they don't understand or didn't consider you and your feelings. People who are still with their spouses/partners (and have been for yrs) never consider, nor really understand, what it's like to be alone (and really, isn't it a good thing that they don't understand those feelings of loneliness?); and neither will the single people, who are used to being alone, understand why the experience of being alone can be a traumatic/overwhelming/depressing situation.

I wish my own brothers and their families understood how lonely I am and would invite me to be with their families more; but they are so busy living their lives together that I don't think they even consider how lonely I am. It's not their fault for not stepping outside of their lives and imagining the sadness I deal with. As I said, it just is what it is. So take some time, feel sorry for yourself, and then move on. 

hugs
mikie

[wolfter]

Thanks Mike, your words are always so sweet and heartfelt.  In a traditional marriage, the surviving spouse is allowed to publically grieve.  When we lose a life partner, there's a distinct difference and I internalized so much.  Obviously, everybody knew our relationship but the level of decorum that was expected didn't allow for true grieving.  Lately, it seems worse than when I first lost him.  These forums have helped tremendously. 

Perhaps I'm reading more into these perceived wrongs than is actually occurring.  Through the years, we were invited out quite often, but we were happier and more content to spend time home alone together.  Maybe this is just an example of placing my expectations onto others.

Thanks again!
greg

[mewithu]

I think my Father just dumped me last night because of my sisters. He called me and after talking mean to me like he did before I got sick he told me off at 84 years old and said nothing I said in the letter i wrote him was true. I said it was and he said basicly I wasn't even part of him. Whats up with that I knew when my Mother died he would turn even worse on me if I said anything to make him feel bad about himself.

Jerry