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Author Topic: Ground Zero - Infection Point  (Read 5687 times)

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Offline Life

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Ground Zero - Infection Point
« on: May 01, 2007, 09:54:49 pm »
I found myself sorta in a weird place this weekend.   Will was to come down and have his labs drawn, but the office called and he was told to reschedule for this Friday cuz the lab guys were sick with flu.   Well, I was already in Denver waiting for him….  So, I was alone.   Will chose to stay at home in the mountains and finish work on updating his resume and hopefully a better job in the College he works for.  I did a lot of “walking the park” and being grateful for so many things.   I was in a good place.   Well the sun was out, and ever so much better than the mountain weather.  I got up the “nerve” to go visit the place I got infected.   Why?  I do not know.  Sex?  Naw – nope and not even interested in finding more things to “lug around”.   I checked in to the place and the guys at the counter asked where I had been?   I laughed and said “I just needed a break.  Can’t have to much fun you know”.   It was like taking the blinders off to so many aspects of the way I lived for quite a few years.   I lurked around and got hit on a few times.   That made me feel good.   I will take a self-esteem boost to a bj any day these days!  Laying out by the pool butt naked, now that I do miss.   I also saw a lot of unsafe behavior in guys and I just wanted to slap them!!   “Don’t make the same mistakes I did”.   “They look ok, so the are?  RUBISH!”   I wish someone would have grabbed me back then and kicked the shit out of me.  I told Will that I went and he actually told me he was happy that I got out and faced a few of my demons and regrets.   I don’t know where this is leading me, but this was the first time I actually felt good about being around a bunch of (naked) guys, not looking for sex, but more so, being around and being with….   Gay life,  Yee-Haaa!

Eric

Offline belief

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Re: Ground Zero - Infection Point
« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2007, 10:02:16 pm »
you are brave in my book...it can't be an easy thing to face.  especially when you see the same things going on that may have gotten you into "trouble."  i think i need a weekend like that...it might be a little sobering but would possibly give me some perspective.  bring me back to reality maybe?

belief...
5/07 - viral load: 28,890  CD4: 514 
8/07 - viral load: 38,710  CD4: 451
9/07 - viral load: 47,000  CD4: 467
11/07 - viral load: 17,600 CD4: 421

Offline bocker3

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Re: Ground Zero - Infection Point
« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2007, 11:05:13 pm »
Eric,

I think it is great that you faced-down the past.  I think it is important to do things like that.  Just make sure that you are always in a "good place" when you go -- and that you are there for all the right reasons (it sounds like you are, sweetie).

Hugs,
Mike

Offline BT65

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Re: Ground Zero - Infection Point
« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2007, 11:09:33 pm »
I did a similar thing years ago.  Once I was stable in my recovery from addiction, I went to the strip bar I danced at when I was 17.  It helped me figure out exactly why I did what I did.  Self-insight is sooooo helpful sometimes.  I seemed to understand that part of my past better. 
Peace-
Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

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Offline Life

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Re: Ground Zero - Infection Point
« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2007, 12:15:07 am »
Beleif, Mike and Betty,   I thought it was going to be earth shattering, scary, frightening etc.   I think it might be a bit of closure you know?   It sure isn't what it use to have (alure) for me....   I found alot of things along the way besides hiv...   I found my husband, I found that it is human nature to be sexual and throughly enjoyed that (at an expense).   But if I drop off the negative things that I associated all of this with when I found out my status, I think I have come full circle...  That is kewl for me.   I see you Betty experiencing something similar and that makes me feel I am not like being weird and all...

Hugs,  ;)


Eric

Offline Iggy

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Re: Ground Zero - Infection Point
« Reply #5 on: May 02, 2007, 07:46:31 am »
Done the same thing - only it wasn't about my infection and it wasn't a sex club - but the purporse was as yours - to find out what had drawn me to a place (physically, emotionally, physically) and to understand myself then and now.


Offline RapidRod

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Re: Ground Zero - Infection Point
« Reply #6 on: May 02, 2007, 08:40:03 am »
Eric, do you think "Old Age" has anything to do with it.  ;)

Offline mjmel

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Re: Ground Zero - Infection Point
« Reply #7 on: May 02, 2007, 09:37:55 am »
I really like your post, Eric. Sounds so much like something I would do and think, as well.
xxx,
Mike

Offline milker

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Re: Ground Zero - Infection Point
« Reply #8 on: May 02, 2007, 09:45:12 am »
You must have been a serious regular there if they asked "where have you been?" lol

You obviously have past that kind of life, and closed that door behind you. Big step. Good for you.

Milker.
mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
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Offline Florida69

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Re: Ground Zero - Infection Point
« Reply #9 on: May 02, 2007, 09:51:09 am »
Eric, I am proud of you.  It is very important in healing.  I miss you mucho my friend, I am glad to hear that you and Will are doing well.  D
Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.
Calvin Coolidge

Offline alberche

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Re: Ground Zero - Infection Point
« Reply #10 on: May 02, 2007, 12:07:24 pm »
Hiya Eric,

I just did the same thing... once I was feeling better, I was on meds and all the stuff, one day, I went back to the place in which I got infected (a nudist leather bar... hehehehe)

That was good for me, helped me to take this as something that, given the way I was doing things, could have happened and just happened.

This also helped me to resume my sexual life, and to see that in many ways I am just the same person I was before, but seeing things in a completely different manner. The "ground zero" for me is at the same time the restarting point.

I think that this coming back have been a good thing for me.

And, as you say, I am glad to see I am not the only one!!!!

Hugs,

:-)
love is blindness...  a wonderful song!

Offline jimw

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Re: Ground Zero - Infection Point
« Reply #11 on: May 02, 2007, 12:37:44 pm »
Eric, congrats - that had to be one hell of a cathartic experience.  Frankly, I could not have done it - I would have been right back in there.  I love it that they asked where you had been!!!  Jim

Offline Life

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Re: Ground Zero - Infection Point
« Reply #12 on: May 02, 2007, 04:03:51 pm »
Rodney - "You are as old as you feel" and even when I have to beat back the "med effect" every morning makes me all that more resilient to stay up beat about this "fucking shit"......  ;)

Milker,  I gave them enough in cover charges to add another wing to the establishment (The Cave)...  ;D

I am very happy to see others have gone back to put some meaning to this.  This was really helpful!

Now I am off on my second little vacation....  No naked boys, just desert slick rock, jeeps and bikes.   I am stoked to hit this area again.   I quit this part of my life to because I was not thinking very good.  What a ride this has become.....  ;D

Love,

Eric



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Offline Blixer

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Re: Ground Zero - Infection Point
« Reply #13 on: May 02, 2007, 04:18:44 pm »
Eric,

I think it takes a lot of courage to go back and face some things.  I"m so glad you did.  And maybe the closure to that aspect will open up other things that are even greater.

Enjoy the desert and just don't slip too much or too far on those slick rocks...   

David
Diagnosed 1/9/06
8/27/2007 CD4 598, 29%, VL 58 (72 wks)
11/19/2007 CD4 609, 30%, VL < 50 (84 wks)
2/11/2008 CD4 439, 27%, VL <50 (96 wks)
5/5/2008 CD4 535, 28%, VL <50 (108 wks)
10/20/2008 CD4 680, 28%, VL <50 (132 wks)
Changed to Atripla in 2012
1/14/2013 CD4 855, 35%, VL <40

Offline BT65

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Re: Ground Zero - Infection Point
« Reply #14 on: May 02, 2007, 09:08:28 pm »
I see you Betty experiencing something similar and that makes me feel I am not like being weird and all...

Hugs,  ;)


Eric

Yes, Eric, I know what the allure was for me back then....instant $ for an instant high.  I am SO glad that part of my life is over.  It was healing though, to realize why I did what I did.  Of course, there were a lot of other parts to that bar I worked at besides the stripping...hooking, screwing cops so they wouldn't bust the place etc...  SO not me anymore!
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Condom and Lube Info https://www.poz.com/basics/hiv-basics/safer-sex
Please check out our lessons on PEP and PrEP. https://www.poz.com/basics/hiv-basics/pep-prep

https://www.poz.com/basics/hiv-basics/treatmentasprevention-tasp

Offline kellyspoppi

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Re: Ground Zero - Infection Point
« Reply #15 on: May 03, 2007, 12:06:51 am »
this has been quite an interesting thread for me to read. i am all about finding closure in life, but in my case, getting hiv from my former fiance who got it from a blood transfusion was no where near as dark a circumstance as each of you went back to revisit.

that took a shit load of courage and my hat is off to all of you. i just can't imagine what that felt like, but to go back to where this long crazy ride began and gain from that experience is something to marvel at.

thanks for sharing these stories.

kellyspoppi

Offline otherplaces

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Re: Ground Zero - Infection Point
« Reply #16 on: May 03, 2007, 12:28:45 am »

Eric,

I'm glad you got to face 'ground zero'.  I've had similar experiences.  It's a long story but my doc eventually called me to give me the test results.  I was in downtown Chicago where I rarely ever am.  But I've had to go back by there on occaison, and I went to the spot where I was when he told me on the phone and sat there for awhile.  I don't know why, but I think like you...just to face it.  To look straight at where my life changed irrevocably.

I was also infected across the street from where I use to live (oh geeez, even longer story).  So I used to walk down the street all the time and think, "oh look, there's where I got HIV!" 

I think we expect to see a real life demon rise up and do hand to hand combat on the spot.  But then you look at it, and it's just a spot.  It has meaning to you, but obviously no meaning to anyone around you.

I happened to go by the spot where I found out I was positive downtown again.  I walked up to it like I had the time before.  I thought I'd sit in it again and think about it all.  But I just looked at it and walked by it.  It just didn't matter anymore.  I already crossed that bridge. 

much love,
brian

 


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