POZ Community Forums
HIV Prevention and Testing => Do I Have HIV? => Topic started by: FirstTimer on July 19, 2013, 03:00:38 pm
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I'm going to include every detail I remember so I don't come back with "what if" questions. I feel very stupid and ashamed.
Two weeks ago I was contacted by an older couple on a dating website whose profile did not list their HIV status. My profile only had pictures of my body, and I listed myself as negative. They wanted to meet after speaking just a little, and did not ask for my face picture or status. I explained that I'd honestly never done this before, was incredibly nervous/reluctant, and absolutely did not want to be exposed to any STDs. They said they were both free of STDs and engaged in protected sex only. Yesterday, against better judgement, I finally decided to meet one of them.
We immediately started messing around when I arrived. I stressed how important honesty is and again asked his STD status. He claimed he has cholesterol/STD screening every 3 months and did not have any STDs his last screening.
I received protected anal sex from him with lots of lubrication during which there was minimal discomfort. At no point did he penetrate me without a condom. He stopped after roughly 20 minutes because he was having trouble finishing.
He removed his condom and I provided unprotected oral sex. He was uncircumcised. I brushed my teeth roughly an hour before this moment, during which there was no noticeable bleeding. He was aggressive enough to give me a sore throat. He finished in my throat, and I swallowed what was in my mouth. From what I can tell, there wasn't a whole lot.
Afterward he reassured me he was free of any STDs.
After leaving, I reflected on all the details. He never asked for a face picture or my STD status, yet he still wanted to meet so soon. I also can't think of why they wouldn't put negative on their profile if they were negative. So maybe he's incredibly promiscuous, and maybe doesn't consistently use condoms with people despite his claims and may even be unaware of his own status. Also, he's pretty young (40), and after a little Googling I found that his 3 month cholesterol screening may be due to HIV medication.
This led to incredible concern that he may be HIV+, but his viral load is so low that he lied to me as to not scare me off. Maybe assuming he would not infect me, or doesn't care. This is purely speculation. He very well could have been 100% honest with me.
I contacted him again and expressed these concerns. He didn't seem bothered that I questioned his honesty over something so serious. He again assured me that he and his partner are both free of STDs, that he would let me know if anything came up, and to stop worrying. I'd like to think the vast majority of HIV+ people would be honest in the face of someone who is negative and so concerned, and that an HIV+ couple would not promiscuously go around deceiving people, but the internet has convinced me that they very well could be.
I absolutely regret not getting to know him/them much better and establishing much stronger trust prior to what we did, and even going as far as to exchange test results. I've never done anything so rash, risky, and irresponsible before. These were very stupid mistakes, and now I'm terrified because I got his cum in my mouth and that I may have made a life-altering decision.
Should I look into PEP or something? Am I being paranoid? Overreacting?
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First, you do not need to do PEP. Nothing you are reporting of your activities would have put you at risk for HV. As far as giving oral even with swallowing, your saliva contains proteins and over a dozen enzymes which very effectively prevent the transmission of viable HIV if present.
Sexually the only confirmed risks for the transmission of HIV are unprotected vaginal and anal intercourse. As long as condoms are always used you will be well protected.
Other STDs are much easier to acquire so we advise anyone who is sexually active to regularly have a full STD panel done. That means not less than once a year.
This time you're good to go and there's no cause for concern. Just keep using condoms everytime for intercourse.
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Andy, thank you very much. What a terrible feeling this has been. Since you have told me I have no cause for concern, I will put this in the back of my mind and try to live my life without worrying whether I contracted HIV from this encounter. I'm grateful I did not get caught up in the moment and do anything riskier than I did, and will be much more vigilant in the future about my safe sex practices. Clearly I need to educate myself more.
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I'm glad you found our exchange to be helpful. And I urge you to never, never for whatever the reason to do anything you know is not safe. The moment and great looks and romance and all that come and go. But once it arrives HIV stays forever.
Cheers.
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FT,
Before I start, I totally agree with Andy - you didn't have a risk for hiv infection and you certainly do NOT need PEP.
However, two important points came to mind while reading your first post.
- If someone is being too rough with you when you're giving them oral, ask them to stop. Oral is supposed to be a pleasant experience both ways. If they won't stop or are being so rough that you cannot even get a chance to tell them to stop, well, you have teeth in your mouth - use them. I'm not suggesting you actually hurt them, but the hint that you might will give you the chance to tell them to ease up. You shouldn't come away from giving a blowjob with a sore throat - unless that's what you enjoy. It doesn't sound as though you do.
- Don't pay attention to a person's hiv status in their profile on "dating" websites or phone apps - unless they say they're hiv positive. Serosorting only works when a person is hiv positive and is honest about it. All this "DDF; UB2" crap is just ludicrous. Many people (TOO many people) do not accurately know their hiv status - in part because they trust what other people say about their hiv status and bareback on the basis of "DDF; UB2" (or similar) listed in a profile.
It's fun to experiment sexually. However, listen to your gut feelings. If you're feeling uncomfortable for whatever reason, leave. Look after yourself and your safety.
Provided you make sure condoms are always being used for anal or vaginal intercourse, then hiv is something you don't need to worry about, regardless of the other person's hiv status. You should not be barebacking with anyone until such time as you're in a securely, mutually monogamous relationship - for at least three months - and have tested negative for everything, together, at three months. Then and only then can the condoms be forgotten about.
It doesn't matter how promiscuous you think a person may be, as long as you make sure condoms are used for anal or vaginal intercourse. Have all the sex you want, just use protection.
Here's what you need to know in order to avoid hiv infection:
You need to be using condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, every time, no exceptions until such time as you are in a securely monogamous relationship where you have both tested for ALL sexually transmitted infections together.
To agree to have unprotected intercourse is to consent to the possibility of being infected with an STI. Sex without a condom lasts only a matter of minutes, but hiv is forever.
Have a look through the condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use condoms with confidence.
ALTHOUGH YOU DO NOT NEED TO TEST FOR HIV OVER THIS SPECIFIC INCIDENT, anyone who is sexually active should be having a full sexual health care check-up, including but not limited to hiv testing, at least once a year and more often if unprotected intercourse occurs.
If you aren't already having regular, routine check-ups, now is the time to start. As long as you make sure condoms are being used for intercourse, you can fully expect your routine hiv tests to return with negative results.
Don't forget to always get checked for all the other sexually transmitted infections as well, because they are MUCH easier to transmit than hiv. Some of the other STIs can be present with no obvious symptoms, so the only way to know for sure is to test.
Use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, correctly and consistently, and you will avoid hiv infection. It really is that simple!
Ann