Oral Risk: odd historical situation

[butterfly1995]

Hello,

Thanks for the service the team offers on this site. I’ve had a look around it’s been helpful. I thought maybe the weird specifics of my situation could be worth sharing. I was married for a number of years before sorting out my sexuality which is a whole unrelated story but I guess important because for all the years I was married with kids my wife and I didn’t do testing. When we divorced and I came out it was a breath of fresh air but I’ve still never been sexually active. For me maybe it was coming out late or just who I am but it wasn’t my thing. I did hook up a few times with one guy who was in a relationship that was open and we’d gone to school together growing up. We never had intercourse. Usually he’d just perform oral on me and swallow. He liked that. One time maybe 5 years ago I did perform some licking on him and maybe 10 seconds of oral but he didn’t come. Was there precum? Who knows. He’s lick his finger and finger me sometimes and he liked hickeys but I never saw blood. Anyway… he sadly passed in an auto accident 3 years back. Recently I came to learn he was hiv positive. He never shared it with me. Part of my regrets that ans I always wonder why but … it is what it is now. Anyway… he was sort of the one person I trusted coming and and the activity described is all we did. I have no idea about UD=UD in his case, vira loads. I don’t know any of that. He loved performing oral on me the few times we did it. I may have encountered some precum years back. And he fingered me using spit. He’d apparently been living with HIV for 10 years so I assume(and hope for him!) that he would have taken something but I have no idea. And I’d never ask his former husband as it’s not appropriate. Running through my mind is if I need to be tested? I’ve always viewed testing as circumstances based to make a smart use of resources and not something that should be panic driven. I’ve read a lot on here and I guess the only real question was the one time years back I performed fleeting oral on him… because most of the time it was on me. As I say, we definitely never had intercourse. I’d appreciate your guidance on this. Thanks for reading

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

So, you haven't tested routinely for STI's & HIV, had a sexual relationship with your ex-wife whilst married and had a few sexual encounters with your friend. It's pretty standard stuff.

Firstly, receiving a blowjob and fingering or being fingered is no HIV risk to you whatsoever and spit does not contain viable HIV, it's also hostile towards HIV.

As for giving a blowjob, the mouth generally lacks a route for HIV to infect, and saliva also acts to neutralize HIV by damaging the receptors needed to infect human cells. It's such a minute risk that we don't even recommend testing outside of standard yearly routine screening for STI's & HIV as every sexually active adult should.

Regarding the sexual relationship with the ex-wife, I am going to presume condomless intercourse occurred and therefore you had a risk. Now since you have not been testing routinely I recommend you get tested to know your HIV & STI status.

Keep in mind for any future long-term relationships that if you do engage in condomless sex even with your partner, then you are obviously at risk. Often within relationships, condomless sex is based on trust or past test results. However, this does not prevent HIV, and any condomless intercourse is accepting the greater risk of acquiring HIV.

Here's what you need to know to avoid HIV infection:
Use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, correctly and consistently, every time, no exceptions. Consider talking to your health care provider about taking PrEP going forward as an additional layer of HIV protection.

Keep in mind that some sexual practices which may be described as ‘safe’ in terms of HIV transmission might still pose a risk for transmission of other STI's, so please do get fully tested regularly and at least yearly for all STI's including but not limited to HIV and test more frequently if unprotected intercourse occurs

Also, note that it is possible to have an STI and show no signs or symptoms and the only way of knowing is by testing.

Kind regards

Jim

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[butterfly1995]

Hi there!

Thank you for such fast guidance. Oh… yes the only condomless intercourse I’ve ever had was with my wife but in fact I was tested at least twice for insurances for the family so yes I did test at that time. I just didn’t test since the divorce but the only sexual experience I’ve had since then is what I described with the oral. I guess the limited exposure on the blowjob is some risk but equally… I suspect my friend was also taking something if he’d been positive for 10 years I just was surprised he never said anything and hope it wasn’t that he felt he couldn’t. Anyway…I was tested during my marriage. Since my marriage my social life has been a bit dry to say the least but as I say he mostly performed oral on me.  It was only one time that I briefly did and I just wasn’t sure how much risk it carried.

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

If you had no sexual contact with your wife in the months before testing and no further sexual contact with her after testing then that's not an issue.

All that remains from what you posted is giving a blowjob and as mentioned it's a minimal risk that does not need testing outside of routine.

Do start testing at least yearly for HIV and far easier to acquire STI's, more frequently if you start having condomless intercourse.

[butterfly1995]

Hello— thanks again I’m going to ask for the tests at
my physical per your guidance.

I’m cautiously optimistic the limited BJ exposure wasn’t high risk. Some sources seem to imply his being HIV positive would change the dynamic but I think that lacks all nuance— or is dated info. That’s why I came here to ask. I mean… I have no way of knowing if he was on meds but a mutual friend told me he’d had HIV since his early 30’s and his accident was at 44 or he’d still be here. It strikes me as unlikely he wasn’t having some treatment … so unlike what some sources say … if he were on treatment seems to me it would lower the risk profile! But maybe that’s just me being an optimist. I know what everyone says… just always assume no one knows their status and measure risk that way. But in this specific event my friend did know. And I feel like that lowered the risk. He avoided taking chances. He discouraged anal. So we never did.

Other than the one BJ time I described to you …he always performed the oral or the fingering or the rimming on me. Come to think of it… I’ve never let anyone ejaculate in my mouth. But I guess there could always be pre cum. Anyway… I will hope for the best and get full test anyway to rule out any std’s.. and just hope HIV isn’t likely in this event

[Jim Allen]

Some sources seem to imply his being HIV positive would change the dynamic but I think that lacks all nuance— or is dated info.

if he were on treatment seems to me it would lower the risk profile! But maybe that’s just me being an optimist.

From an assessment point of view, we always presume the other person was living with HIV and without treatment, in that scenario, the HIV risk over giving him a BJ is minute as mentioned in my first post.

If he was successfully suppressing the virus with medication or had he been HIV- the risk to you in terms of HIV would simply be zero. However, we have no way of knowing if he was successfully suppressing the virus.

https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=71864.0

[butterfly1995]

Hello—

About 2 weeks ago (almost exactly) I met a guy at a party who took a liking to me. I’m normally quite shy and reserved never having been that comfortable with myself sexually. I’ve only had intercourse once in my life and it was with an intact condom. But I have over the years given and received oral (never swallow) and I have been tested. I had an HIV test as part of screening back in December not really looking for HIV in that case just routine— and I haven’t had any sexual encounters until 2 weeks ago.

We engaged in a good bit of French kissing at the party. I never thought to ask anything status related because I didn’t consider that a risk. We went back to his place and engaged in some frottage and kissing and he performed oral on me for maybe 45 seconds. I didn’t perform oral on him ans we didn’t have sex.

About 3 days ago I had a mild fever and pretty bad sore throat. Yesterday I started with a rash. A combo of itchy and painful. Small and red and confined to my hands and feet and mouth. I consulted an urgent care because I could see white marks on my tonsils and wanted a strep test. It was negative. I made the time to show the doc my hands and he became very interested. He thanked
Me for showing him then asked to see my feet (which I hadn’t mentioned). He quickly told me for him it was classic hand foot and mouth which I thought only kids could get but he said absolutely not. Anyone. I then mentioned Monkeypox to him and he didn’t look at me stupidly but really didn’t seem to think that and he looked over my body arms and legs. The rash was literally hands foot and mouth.

That hasn’t changed. But I made the mistake in the Google rabbit hole. It’s hard when alone ans worried. And I saw that ARS can include such a rash also. As can syphilis although that seems not confined to hands and feet and mouth.

So I’m very nervous about my situation. I hope I don’t come across as silly. I’m scared about those STD’s and monkeypox although the doctor said not to worry. He didn’t seem to consider STD concerns but I wanted to write you here because the team does great work and raise my concerns regarding ARS or STD’s…. I should add I had for 1-2 days all the classic flu symptoms but did not have enlarged lymph glands. Just the sore throat and this site specific rash. Appreciate your help regarding my risks. Thank you.

[Jim Allen]

We engaged in a good bit of French kissing at the party. I never thought to ask anything status related because I didn’t consider that a risk. We went back to his place and engaged in some frottage and kissing and he performed oral on me for maybe 45 seconds. I didn’t perform oral on him ans we didn’t have sex.

You did not acquire HIV from these activities.

I’ve only had intercourse once in my life and it was with an intact condom.

I was married with kids

Pants on Fire

[butterfly1995]

Hi Jim,

Sorry for the poor writing. Although Pants on Fire did make me laugh. I meant in my life since divorce which I’ve done. So… I’ve had intercourse once and it was with a condom. I should have been more specific. Thank you.

[Jim Allen]

 

What you posted isn't an HIV risk, and your left leg and right arm could fall off it's not going to change that you didn't acquire HIV from the activities mentioned here.

If you are still feeling unwell then I hope you feel better soon and keep working with your healthcare provider.

I had an HIV test as part of screening back in December not really looking for HIV in that case just routine— and I haven’t had any sexual encounters until 2 weeks ago.

This means for sure you were not living with HIV back in Sept 2021. Make sure to screen at least yearly for HIV & STIs, so again this Dec.

Also, talk to your healthcare provider about the possibility of being vaccinated against Hepatitis b & HPV.