My partner does not want sex since being diagnosed

[roytelsey]

Hi there not sure if you guys can give me any advice, my partner was diagnosed hiv just over six months ago, i am negative, he was infected by a previous partner of which he had knowledge of them having hiv, i have no problem with my partner having hiv and i love and fully support him in anyway i can. I understand that after receiving this devastating news that sex is not obviously a priority but i do wonder when we will have some sexual contact again, even its not full sex i am sure we can satisfy each other in several other ways i mean its even quite difficult  to receive a proper kiss and usually results in just a quick peck on the lips. I dont mean to appear selfish but i really do miss the physical side of our relationship,sometimes i feel alone and i wonder if i am the reason he doesnt want to kiss or touch me, i am sure this is not the case but i cant help but have these doubts on occasions.
Many Thanks
Roy x

[Andy Velez]

Roy, your feelings and wants are very understandable. The experience your having is one that happens with many sero-discordant couples, especially when the positive diagnosis is so new.

It is important that you two maintain intimacy including through conversation. Without dumping on your partner, let him know how you're feeling. If it seems appropriate you might even suggest the two of you see a therapist together or other such professional to talk about what's going on in a safe setting.

There's no guarantee about what will work to improve matters, but for sure talking honestly and directly should help to renew and strengthen your connection with each other. Use your instinct in understanding him.

There are a members here who are in sero-discordant relationships and many who have dated in such. I expect you will be hearing from them.

Meantime keep us posted on  how things are going. And hang in there. It can and does get better and loving determination helps a lot.

[Joe K]

Hey Roy,

Andy has given you excellent advice and all I can add is some explanation on what might be going through your partner's head.  After diagnosis, it is not uncommon for pozzies to have the feeling that they are no longer clean or represent damaged goods.  Sometimes these feelings can escalate to where people actually believe they are unworthy of love.  Add to that the worry about being poz and not wanting to infect anyone else, especially a loved on and you can see where this could become overwhelming for anyone.  It represents the clashing of emotions and can make it very difficult to see issues outside of ourselves.

My guess is your partner is as confused as you are and that is why communication is so vitally important.  If you can tell him, what you said here, and ask for his help, my guess is that the floodgates would open for him and then you can assure him of your love and devotion, because right now, what he needs may be more important than what you need.

I've been in a sero-discordant relationship and there will always be issues that are difficult for each person to understand, because it is not their reality.  By communicating you will continue to form an intimate bond and through that intimacy you can nurture and support each other.

You must believe that he loves you and since your feelings are clear, you need to say those words to him, because I can assure you that he longs to hear that he is loved.  Take it slow and you will reach a place of comfort for both of you.

[bocker3]

Roy,

This is an issue that I have struggled with since my diagnosis almost 3 yrs ago.  I had a ton of baggage around sex to begin with -- add to it my HIV diagnosis and I did feel unclean and scared to death about infecting my neg. partner.

We found a therapist for us (and one for me) and I have realized that the biggest hurdle for me is initiating sex -- once we start things go fine.  The therapist has done wonders with giving us strategies to approach this and, more importantly, help us with being able to talk open and freely about our wants, needs and fears.  Is this perfect -- no.  We still don't have sex as often as either of likes, but it is improving slowly.  Probably the most important thing that we did, was to close our relationship -- not getting anything outside is extremely helpful in focusing on us.  Of course, if we had done that years ago, we wouldn't be serodiscordant, but I can't go back.  The important thing here is to talk, understand and get help if you need it.  I know that we truly love and cherish each other and as we approach our 18th anniversary, I plan on us going on for 18 more.  Remember what is important -- that is the 2 of you together and maintaining good communication.   It is early in his diagnosis, but you should not forget about your needs -- I'm sure he wouldn't want that either.

I hope this helps some -- feel free to PM me if you need some additional perspective from the pos partner.

Good Luck

Hugs,
Mike

[roytelsey]

Thankyou hopefully their will be some more advice, but the advice you have all given so far is really useful i mean we have a really good relationship and its only the sex thing that is lacking in fulfilling our relationship but i am a patient guy so just give him time and i am sure it will come. But please any more advice from anyone else is great so keep it coming. Thanks again

[Andy Velez]

The thing about "advice" is 1) you have to decide based on your own instinct what you want to try and 2) just gathering advice without using any of it will not help with causing a shift for you in yoru circumstances.

I am not urging you to act precipitously, but on the other hand you need to stay alert to if and when more than patience is needed. Sexuality is a basic part of intimacy in a relationship. And if that's something you really want it's important to be talking with each other. Perhaps you can explore ways of being physically intimate without getting into full-on sex? That's a question. 

Good luck with sorting out this difficult and very challenging situation.