Dealing w/ditching bad friends and mean people…how do you survive?

[BubbaPat]

Okay… so of late… I've realized that I'm slipping into a pit of depression that I don't want to be in.  So, I've had to make a conscious effort to bring people into my life that would be beneficial, not detremental.   I've been evaluating friends and cutting a few loose.  I've also being trying to figure out ways to deal with just plain sucky people.

In the past… people just didn't bug me and somewhere along the way… I've allowed their opinions and statements to hurt.  In my own life… I've been trying to balance out the karma by reaching out to people and apologizing for things that I myself may have done to hurt others.

In the end… I guess what I'm asking is…. How do YOU survive your day?  Is there a mental exercise you do when you get up? Do you put PostIts on your mirror? Do you come on here? Go to other sites?

Also… with regard to others… Do you fess up to your mistakes?  What if you know you've wronged someone but aren't really sure when/how you wronged them?

Bubba hugs!

[buginme2]

I have no advice to give.  But I'm curious about the words and language you have chosen to use.

why would letting go of "bad" and "mean" people in your life be a problem and how is that a detriment to your "survival." 

If your needing things (sticky notes or something else) to survive..then your problems are bigger than seeking Internet advice.  Maybe you should be working with a psychologist, it sounds like there is something larger going on.

Most people don't need help to survive, we do it without thought, we just live.

[BubbaPat]

LOL…  Funny how you said you had no advice to give, yet you gave it at the end of your post.

We all survive day to day.  Some survive well…others feel beaten down and tired.  I'll stick with 'survive'.  As for 'bad' people… didn't call anyone bad, just detrimental.

Plus…I think implying someone who puts up a PostIt with some sort of positive affirmation needs a psychologist is kinda harsh.  I have photos of people and things placed around my house to remind me of happy moments.  I've even got a Playlist on my iTunes to energize me, one to relax me when I drive home and one to listen to while I read.

So no.. I don't agree that we all just live.  We're people, we interact.  We're capable of lifting someone up as well as bringing them down. How each person deals with their ups and downs is what is fascinating to me.

For me… if I see a friend having a bad day… I like to take them for their favorite food and chat… even if its going to some cheap fast food.  A way to lift MY spirits is take me out for good, cheap TexMex.

And I'm sure I'm not the only one here who has to get rid of a friend.  We grow, they grow, and sometimes we grow apart.  Realizing that you've grown apart can still hurt for some.

[mecch]

If I have friends who are human, meaning flawed and clumsy, I try to cut them some slack.  Meaning I like to keep my friends and keep my Teflon coating so I don't get hurt too often or pushed around too often, more than necessary, by life and people.  I got an insight when I went on SSRI's once in my life.  I could see that things that bothered me before I was on that molecule, would now (then) slide off my shoulders, down my arms, and off me to the sidewalk and gutter.  I realised that its a matter of perspective and perception.
I wouldn't suggest keeping really toxic and damaging friends but the other ones are probably just being sloppy and human like most people are.
As you get older you might see that you can just take some alone time when people exhaust you.  Usually its about their own drama.  Also you learn to deflect and deflate conflict situations with some diplomacy.

[AT]

Hmmmm...moving into your late 40s with HIV? Getting older (not old yet) is confusing enough for many people without HIV and you have the extra weight of our viral buddy. I believe I was having a really hard time turning 50 when I learned of my DX, last year. I then went into a full doors-locked, closed-curtains, stay-home depression. In six months, I've mostly accepted my diagnosis but I'm still dealing with day to day motivation to just move on with life.

How do I leave the house? I meditate alone and with a group that includes discussion. I try to maintain a healthy attitude by attending HIV and other support groups. Like you, I work towards "good karma" seeing the good in others and treating them kindly, or at least in a fair manner. I take other measures for my own good like eating right, exercising and walking my dogs. Most days are good. A few are great and a few are just lousy, but I'm getting better overall. Hang in there.

[BT65]

If someone is constantly bringing me down, and I can tell after a while who does it intentionally and who doesn't do it on purpose, then I let them go.  The opposite of "fighting" is "surrender."  Throw up your arms and let it go.

I also agree that equating having post-its, with needing intense psychological help, is not accurate.  I used to wear a whole slew of pins, ones that had sayings, because I thought they were so profound, and they did help me through a rough period.  Didn't mean I needed psychotherapy.  I only wore them because they gave me hope and something to think about that kept me out of the pits.

It is therapeutic to let someone go that is constantly causing you to be unstable. Or at least constantly giving you bad vibes most of the time. 

Also, yes, to the question of fessing up to my mistakes and wrong-doings.  I do it not necessarily because it will make the other person happy, though it often does; but because it relieves a lot of guilt, which in turn puts less pressure on me.  If I'm not admitting my wrong-doing, them I'm lying trying to be someone I'm not around the people I have wronged, because I feel that if they see me living like a human making mistakes, then they will somehow know I fucked them over.  They won't, but it makes admitting my part in things that much easier.  I would rather admit it to the person than have them catch me in a lie, or find out by someone who does know other than me.

It's just a process you have to go through.  And you will (or you won't).   Just hang in there, and keep going forward.

Betty

[Kendoll]

For me, what has made a difference to me mentally since testing HIV positive has been to simplify my life as much as possible:

Embracing my true friends, repairing family relationships, prayer, staying away from people that constantly cause drama, exercise (I walk in the local park) and keeping some sort of daily routine despite the fact that I longer work.

I frequently used to worry about the fact that I'm middle-aged and single. Over the past several years I've slowly let go of the fear and I feel better for it.

I hope my answer doesn't sound too "Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm" but this is what works for me.

[RobbyR]

I'm so glad you posted this, because I still struggle with this sometimes too. First off, I got clear on who my friends really are & who a friend really is. A friend is supportive & non judgmental, but also honest. And most importantly a friend is loyal & sticks by you no matter what. And don't gossip. Anyone who says they're a friend but carries tales, RUN away! It's taken me years but I know now it's not the quantity that matters with friends but the quality. And just because someone pays you a compliment or smiles at you does not make them a friend. A friend is a kindred spirit, someone who understands & appreciates & honors. They don't dehumanize or put down, they can be honest without being hurtful. And yes, drama is a major red flag. Just like gossip, anyone who starts drama, RUN away! My golden rule: if someone gossips to you about someone else, RUN! They will do the same about you as soon as you're back is turned.  I've gotten clear on this, & it's very liberating.

I'm a sensitive person, but I'm also a fun person. It's okay to be sensitive. You have to set your own boundaries with people, about what you will accept and what you won't. Don't ever let someone else dictate the terms of a friendship. That's not a real friendship.

And the old simple tried and true method..If someone is a toxic person, just stay away from them & have nothing to do with them! Don't feed into it. Life is too precious to deal with toxic tricks.

I still haven't met many guys in my area who are living with hiv, & I hope this changes. I am thinking of attending a support group for gay men with hiv at some point to see how it goes. You never know where you will make new friends.

I've struggled with depression too, you aren't alone there. I also believe in karma & putting out positive energy. I truly believe that what you put out you get back, & just to smile, be courteous & polite to others, & brighten someone else's day can be very rewarding.

Don't let toxic people around you, work on yourself, be your own advocate. All these things have worked quite well for me in the last year or so, I've made huge improvements & hopefully you will to.

The best thing I've heard recently? If someone has a nasty comment or opinion about me, the way I dress or look? Are they paying your rent? Buying your groceries? Paying your bills? Are they in the hospital or doctor's office when you're sick? NOPE! So just ignore the haters & do you