Worried for a friend..Really needs everyone's input...

[Queen Tokelove]

I could really use some good old fashion advice here concerning a friend. I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place, if not mods please move. The Queen usually vents every now and again but this time, I just need some opinions from others looking from the outside in so to speak. For the sake of this being a very open forum, I will not use the parties real names. Now to give you a little background..

First there is E, who is one of my best friends. We met through a mutual friend and just clicked. We were even roommates at one point and time. He's in his 20's and is gay. He is a really sweet person and would go out his way to help someone if he could.

Now there is A, who is E's bf or was until recently but I will get into that. He's much older than E, he's in his 40's. His past lover died from aids and just recently he found out himself that he was infected. He also suffers from depression, something which I know very little about. I know he was taking meds for both conditions.

They have been together for awhile with the occasional spat every now and again. Usually they get over it but not this time. After being under the weather over the weekend, I get a call and a message from A. Ok, this was something of a surprise because I usually don't hear from him. The last time I got a call from him was when he tested poz and had questions. I returned his call and he went into what happened from his point of view. I know there are 3 sides to every story,in this case, his, E's, and the truth with some things more than likely left out or added in for dramatic effects.

I had not even heard from E since one of their summer parties last year. But I didn't sweat it cause he was in a relationship and with that comes new friends etc. I was worried about the friends though because A has some pretty good connects when it comes to dabbling with this and that. So, there was a lot of drugging going on.

So anyhoo, A takes me to where he thinks E is, not there, so I left my number with them. Later on this afternoon I get a call from E, telling me his version of the story. I heard something that I never heard from him before...FEAR...He has missed 2 days of work, scared that A may show up there. A had kicked E out of the house and had the locks changed but before he did that E was able to get his computer, PS2 and his dog. I guess A had threatened to hurt the dog. He couldn't even get his clothes.

According to E, when A doesn't take his meds for depression he gets violent because E was sporting a black eye. And this was not the first time something like this has happened, news to me of course. And A has also stopped taking his haart meds. OMG, when I saw him today, A that is, I almost didn't know who the hell he was. He had a foul smell and something dried and gross around his ear. This was definitely not the A I was use to seeing.

Now you are prolly wondering, what kicked all this off? A 3 some. Yes, you read it right. E, A, and a third party. But then E and said party got together again w/o A. But E did tell A about it. Now maybe someone can give me some clarity on this, if you are involved in a 3 some and everyone agreed to it, is permission a thing you must get everytime you want to get together? And why does it start out ok but then becomes a problem? I know personally, I don't get down like that cause I get jealous. The Queen has no problem admitting it.

I really don't care for the new friends, the ones I saw before. I am trying to figure out just how sincere they are or are they trying to play my friend,E...Cause sometimes E can be a sucker for a sob story and he told me today he paid their rent..This left me scratching my head because the guy works for a living drawing blood, not sure of how to spell the word. And I thought they made decent money, maybe those in the medical field can school me on this one. This man paid their rent when he doesn't have nothing but the clothes on his back, which rang weird to me as well. I'm scared for him because I think he is prolly hooked on something.

I am so worried about the situation because like I said, we have been friends for a long time. I am protective of him because he has no family here and feels bad because maybe I should've stayed in contact with him better than I did.

I'm not gonna take the high road with A either because I do not know the effects of depression even though I have read some of the threads here, I'm not gonna pretend I know. I do think it is a done deal for them but am concerned for the violent behavior of A because he is not on his meds for depression. And I am worried for my friend's well being. I am also worried for A too because he once tried to commit suicide before but E caught him in time. I would hate to think he would try it again.

So, people, I would like to get your various input on this. For those of you here suffering from depression, your input would be appreciated greatly. Thanks.....

[Matty the Damned]

Queenie,

No doubt about it, you're in an invidious position stuck in the middle. It seems to Matty the Damned like there are some pretty serious things happening in this relationship and these things have, unfortunately, manifested themselves violently.

This is not good.

I don't know your friends and so, unlike yourself, I have no loyalty to either of them. But I do (after a fashion at any rate) know you so my first piece of advice would be to make sure you look after yourself. No, I'm not really concerned that you might be in any sort of mortal danger, but these tussles between lovers can be dreadfully draining on their friends and loved ones.

If, as it would seem, violence is involved then it's probably time for the involvement of outside parties. I'm not necessarily referring to the police, though. Matty the Damned understands that sometimes the po-po can make these things much worse.

Are there mental health case workers you or your friends can turn to? A social worker perhaps? I'm not really sure. Nevertheless, if the violence doesn't stop or if it seems things may well escalate then alas it could well be time to summon the Marshals.

There are never easy answers to these things and MtD isn't going to start pretending that there are. I can only return to my first pearl of wisdom. Look out for yourself. These guys are adults and (as I'm sure you know) you cannot be all things to all people.

Most of all, keep us up to date. We need you here.

MtD

[Queen Tokelove]

To be honest, my loyalty lies with my friend E. I am concerned what is going to happen to him. He has already called off 2 days of work and now has no ride to get there. I hate to say it but I think the boyz are gonna have to get called in so he can get his clothes. I think he is so scared right now, he is saying the hell with the clothes. He can't go into a shelter because of the dog. But I am also concerned about the people he has been staying with. I fear they are using him but he is so worried about A finding him that he is not seeing it.

Yes, we have mental health case workers here but of course I can't make them go. Honestly, I think A is still going through it about being poz. He knows he is but I think he's on the I don't give a fuck mode, not sure if fueled by depression. So, I'm trying not to be judgmental of him. I worry about him because of his previous suicide attempt. I would hate to hear that they found him dead somewhere.

I really am in the middle but only to a point. Due to how my health has been as of late, I have not actually put myself fully into it. I am trying to give my friend time to get his head together. I simply left my number and told him if he needed to crash at my place he could and feel safe because my building is secure. Also A doesn't know where I live in the building. I am hoping he will take me up on this, other than that there isn't much I can do. I just let him know that he has an option and that I am there for him.

(a mother hen to everyone she cares about)

[RapidRod]

Queen, I have to agree with Matty. Whatever you do, it will be, "Hell if you do and hell if you don't." I see so much of me in your story that it brings back bad memories. Good luck in whatever you are able to do.

Rodney

[Queen Tokelove]

Thanks, Rod. I appreciate it. This has been on my mind pretty much all day. I thought maybe if I post it on here and get some insight, I might be able to get some sleep. When things bother me like that I have to talk about it or it will eat away at me. I guess that's what I get for having a heart and being a friend....*sighs*

[Matty the Damned]

I hate to say it but I think the boyz are gonna have to get called in so he can get his clothes.

Well there you have it babe. Once the Wallopers are called in, things will probably twist out of everyone else's control. And that's not always a bad thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm no friend of the Fuzz, but I will say that they can often be pretty good in situations involving domestic violence.

And let's be honest here, that's what seems to be going down.

I know it's not the underlying issue, but it appears to have happened. No matter what place someones head might be at, unless they're completely psychotic or in fear of their life, they've got no excuse for not keeping their hands to themselves.

I just wanna add that I think what you're doing for your mates is totally grouse. 'Grouse', by the way, is an Aussie word which means "unbelievably fuckin' excellent".

MtD

[RapidRod]

Queen, don't ever give up having a heart and the ability to show kindness. Those qualities are what make you. Now go to sleep and maybe things won't look so bleak when you wake up.

[Queen Tokelove]

Matty~~

The police here can be assholes when it comes to domestic violence. I have dealt with it first hand. When I was abused by my husband who left bruises on me, I went to the police station to get an emergency PFA, the cop told me I didn't qualify because I didn't have a busted lip or any broken bones. That my bruises could've been old. That's what I had to deal with so I can imagine how they will treat my friend.

I guess I will have to play the waiting game with E. I can only pray that he will be ok and takes me up on my offer. Rod, you are right in what you say, if I didn't care it wouldn't be me. Now I am off to bed, I have major errands and a doctor appointment to go to..

[Matty the Damned]

We're thinking of you doll.

MtD

[poet]

Nice mess, how I would describe this.  Clearly, to me, E needs to be able to go to work or he will get fired and then be in a bigger mess.  He could, of course, go down to the police station and depending upon the officers there, get their advice as to how to get a protective order against A, if that is what he needs, or simply police supported access to his clothes.  But understand that the police, like you, like us, would not know whose things are whose.  They are not the court system which could try to determine who has what rights to what.  I can't even get into A not taking his meds. because that simply confuses the situation further.  Win

[Jeffreyj]

Wow Queen, what a biotch of a situation! I would get as many "professionals" involved as possible. It seems A is kinda the x factor, not being on meds and all. He is the scary one as I see it. If you can get the local authorities involved, go for it. Some kind of a third party would be good for "E". A is a walking time bomb that can explode at any moment. Is there a case worker you can call, perhaps?
I'd try to get A the case worker, and E the police escort to the apartment. Sometimes its best to not get personally involved when there is a potential major violence ahead.

Be careful Queen. Would hate to see you get hurt. Leave this one to the pros. Will be thinking about you. Best of luck!

[bear60]

I'm just reading this Queen, I'll send you a PM.

[ACinKC]

I've got nothing more to offer you Queen than those have before me.  Just know that i am thinking of you, and hope this all turns out for the best.

[BKNYLivin]

Can't think of much to add. You are a good friend and you are doing all you can do - offering your support to E(who needs to get back to work ASAP, or officially take some time off if that's an option). Sounds like they both need some professional help/support, but don't be surprised if they get back together.
I hope it all works out without being too draining for you - thinking about you.

[Queen Tokelove]

I have not heard back from my friend at all. I tried to call the number he gave me but all it does is ring. I feel there is nothing else I can do, I gave him my number but he has to be the one to dial it. And at the moment, I have my own issues going on and as many of you have said, I have to take care of me. Thanks for all you guys input.