POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: MoltenStorm on April 08, 2007, 03:48:27 am
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This is going to take some getting used to. Yet another guy I was "seeing" turned me down because I have HIV. This person couldn't understand why I was disappointed. There are so many more underlying emotional movements going on other than just him breaking up with me.
First, there's the reminder of my mistake. Everytime someone breaks up with me because of my HIV status, it is a reminder of the mistake I made.
Second, it's a reminder of the social consequence that I now have to live with. Someone choosing not to give you a chance because you're HIV+ is a consequence for being HIV+.
Third, it's another hurt to add to the Library of Congress of hurts that one has to endure while in this world of dating and finding someone.
Fourth, (and maybe the most stinging) is that it's a reminder to me (or a Karmic bitchslap) of the time I chose not to date someone because he was HIV+ when I was negative.
Fifth, it's a painful reminder that once upon a time I was one of those carefree guys with the world at his doorstep without this virus to live with.
All five of these run through my mind whenever someone says, "I care for you, and my heart says to continue, but I can't because I can't take the risk."
Just for the record, it sucks. It naturally SUCKS. But we choose to go on and live and love to the best of our ability. It just sucks... majorly.
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Hey
Just wanted to say how sorry I am. It does suck. When I was single I TRIED to look at rejection for my HIV status as being one of the better things I could be rejected for - not like they were criticising something I could change like my weight or how much muscle I have.
Anyway, keep you chin up and you'll get there.
Matt x.
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Yup, it sucks to the nth degree.
This is why when I was dating I disclosed my HIV status up front, before much of an emotional investment could be made.
I don’t mean it to sound trite but don’t give up hope entirely. There are decent and educated guys out there. They’re just few and far between. I had plenty of rejection from guys who were clueless about HIV, and in the end I’m sort of glad. Eventually I did meet who I was meant to meet – twice. The man I call my boyfriend for the past three years, and another one whom I had a ten-year partnership with. Both of them were and are HIV negative.
Daniel
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Just hang in there, and don't give up hope, and don't let this get you down. Someone will surprise you one day and say, "So what, I still like you!"
Don't let society keep you down!! Good luck!
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Molten,
I want to send you a big hug, because I know how much this can hurt. And you are
absolutely right -- it's not just hurt because of rejection, but because it dredges up
all the other things you mention below. It's easy to say that if this person didn't have
the intelligence and strength to deal with you be HIV+, then he probably would not
be able to deal with other relationship problems that might arise in the future. While I do
believe that, it doesn't make it hurt any less.
Hugs,
Henry
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Date someone that is POZ. Forget about the ones that are not poz. There are more positive people out there in the world looking for love.
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I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. It does just suck.
All I can say is I hope you don't give up and keep trying. If you believe in karma then you know it works both ways and your good actions and caring nature will bring you good things.
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Just remember and it doesn't help a whole lot, but he is rejecting the virus and not you. And I would have to second what Henry said. The right person will come along that will accept all of who you are!
Best,
Woods
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I've never taken HIV rejection personally. I respect someone else's fears if they have them... though I will admit I didn't deal with this much as I didn't often encounter it in NYC where there were so many HIV infected individuals. Most guys were courteous enough to say it wasn't an issue, go on another date or two with you, and then find another excuse to ditch me. There are myriad reasons why men decide not to date someone, and HIV is just one among many if you can look at it that way Molten.
I will, however, ask why you are not making it easier on yourself and seeking out similarly infected individuals. Looking at your profile I see you live in a somewhat urban area, so it's not like you're living out in the middle of no where and have little alternatives. You look young so perhaps that's part of the reason, as there aren't as many perhaps your age that are infected and you aren't physically attracted to older men (nothing wrong with admitting that!).
Anyway, just like when a guy rejects you because of some other reason like your nose is too big or you wore white shoes on your first date and it was mid-winter... just move on. Better to find out a prospective partner is an asshole in the first 5 minutes than 5 years later... or that's what I always say.
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I am remined of a saying I'd read as a teenager. It goes, "you got to kiss alot of frogs before you find your prince." If it just been a couple of months then that is normal. give it more time. believe me it is worth it.
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I'm sorry too Molten. I definitely feel your pain and I'm sure many others on these forums have suffered through the tragic fear of dating and discriminating against us pozzies. I find that different people approach it differently. Some will only look to dating other pozzies, some not at all, and some it don't matter. I was in the "not at all" category for some time after numerous rejections, and when I least expected it, I met someone on my b-day 2 months ago and we've been inseparable ever since...and he's negative. I want to say don't take it too personally, but I always do. Eventually, it happens so often that it's like a thick callus and you'll learn to cope and recover faster, so that you get one step closer to finding your prince/princess.
-Terpie
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I will say something ,different fall in love with someone that thinks being positive is OK.......I met a great guy three years ago. We found out I was pos..2 years ago.............I know I am lucky........my meaning of this post we all are great people and deserve great people to love us!
Love
Eric
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rejection for being poz show how shallow and empty and soulless and greedy 90% of gay men are... why... because the culture revolves around sex drugs and alcholol for a sad 70% of gays
look at a recent study
200 st8t couples
one sero poz other sero neg.
all wanted kids
all poz partners were undetectable
all had many un protected sex acts to concieve a kid
all 200 had one kid and none was infected and none passed the virus to neg partner
some had two kids this way
the conculsion of study was
it ok to have unprotected sex if one is undetectable
but it is best to limit it to only furtile days
contrast this to the anti-male male sex campaign that is creating fear and hate against gays
called ask him if he is poz
the st8ts have relationship they want baby with that person cause they love that person
(personally i might want to find a neg. partner but that is the point the st8t world is in a oxygen of love and support) the gay world is in a world of sex and usury exchange of value, muscles, youth, size, fetishes
i think it is all made worse by the safe sex propaganda which is very very anti male male love
anti poz neg gay sex
anti poz person really
how many gays would NOT be poz if they had been in LTR with a POZ guy while they were negative
probably half
no one is telling st8ts to not love a poz person or dump a poz wife or husband and many do not
sex is supported in gay mags but not love
body worship... kind of a sex worship and anti - humanity anti love mentality pervades the gay mags
and gay lifestyle
i had enough of gay bars when they had strippers in every one
degrading all of us and reducing everyone to sexual level
i know it is bad and tough
but we have many many many rights removed from us by fed. govt. just because we are poz, for example
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I don't quite understand what you are trying to say. I get you think that gay culture is bad because it revolves around sex and drugs. Are you also saying the public support poz straight sex?
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Thanks all! I'm ok. I'm putting myself right back out there. His loss and some other guy's gain.
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i think thats the attitude to take Molten. I also got rejected when i told the guy who was asking me out. he told me that it wouldnt push me away from him but funny enough i havent heard from him since then. i wanted to call him but i went by those "he's just not that into you' thing and decided not to. u're right. it's his loss and somebody else's gain. and i dont buy the "he's rejecting the virus" thing coz the virus is a part of me and if he rejects the virus he's also rejecting me and thats that. he just wasnt the one for you...
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I'm ok. I'm putting myself right back out there. His loss and some other guy's gain.
That's the spirit! Good for you!
Melia :)
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When I was diagnosed I got ditched by the guy who said he loved me. He was not infected - we always had protected sex. I felt like something scraped off someone's shoes. I could not date positive men, the straight ones where I live are few and far between, although I hooked up with one but the only thing connecting us was HIV, so I broke it off.
While I was still seeing the poz guy occasionally I met my boyfriend. We dated for something like 3 weeks before I told him. There was no sex and not even kissing. After I told him, we still saw each other, but more as friends. The sexual tension was gone, because I accepted that he is not interested due to my status. Then about 2 months later we "suddenly" kissed. We made out and even slept together but there was still no sex. I had to go home (at the time I had no health insurance in the Netherlands and had to fly back and forth to bring a supply of meds). I hardly heard from him when I was away. I thought "kissing and making out is one thing but when push comes to shove (no pun intended) he is just not able to do it". I felt so useless and unworthy, I obviously didn't dare to convince, seduce or any such thing. What added to this view was the fact that my ex for which I still had feelings continued to play me, coming around, getting me all horny and edgy and then taking off, leaving me literally standing around naked, bewildered and utterly rejected. When I came back, my BF said that he had a a young(er) attractive girl over at his place, they were getting comfortable, and the thought of sex crossed his mind, but at the same time he realized it was me he wanted so nothing happened. We were still both very nervous about having full intercourse. The first time we did it the condom dropped even though we used lubrication and despite both of us being very experienced with condom use! I had to run to the hospital without an appointment, stalk the doctors there on a Friday and ask if he needs PEP. Imagine my horror and the irony, after finally getting it on with the guy of my dreams (by this time I was madly in love) that he might end up having to take AZT for a month. But the doctors were calm and collected and they said that since I am undetectable and it was a very short exposure he should be fine. They did refer me to a sex councellor though, we went to see her and asked all the questions. Since then it has been smooth sailing and my best relationship ever in and out of the sack. But I still feel very a-sexual. If I am out without my BF and men are looking at me, I have no confidence that comes with the knowledge that you are a sexual being, and I feel that my relationhip with my BF is unequal. He can (potentially) get anyone he wants, me on the other hand.... Yet at the bottom line I love him with all my heart, and I guess I accept that with all the questioning and uncertainty, he wants me as I am, meds rash, fatigue and all. I have been through the most painful rejection and the most uplifting acceptance in just one year, with nothing to rely on but my gut feelings and stumbling. I can't even say that I know "how to get" a negative BF, because it just kind of happened by sheer luck and bliss. So, asides from sharing my story, I can only wish and say what I know from experience, that as hard as it is we have to leave ourselves open and vulnerable to experience while hoping for the best. I really wish you all the luck in the world
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Affairs of the heart are always delicate, yet I ask you to consider the following. For some people, for whatever reason, they are unable to deal with certain issues in their lives and for many those issues include HIV. Of course it hurts to be rejected because of your infection, however, would you want to be with someone who was that afraid of you and your virus? Often when we are hurt, we become defensive (which is natural) and that clouds our reasoning.
The bottom line for me has always been that I want someone in my life who wants to be here and who accepts me, warts and all, for who I am. I am fortunate to have found my mate (8 years now) and the only way I did that was by knowing what I would like, what I would not tolerate and all the rest was negotiable.
I would also hope that none of you would allow your rejection to affect your self-worth because most rejection comes long before someone can get to know you. Even so, to be truly content, we all need someone who just accepts us, no more, no less.
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i'm sad to hear of your break up, maybe it just proves he wasn't the right guy for you. you need someone that can be mature about your situation and is willing to learn about HIV and what it takes to keep the both of you healthy. so he wasn't right...there's plenty of fish in the sea or pollywog's in the pond. or whatever metaphor you prefer. good luck. moohah! :-*