Numbers don't seem to matter

[sorryass]

It seems to me that no matter how high my Cd4 count is, it has no effect on how I feel, physically.  My last

count was over 900, and viral load was u/d.  SO WHAT!  Big deal,  I still feel like $&!%. It's crazy, I feel good for one day, I do some gardening, and it's the same thing every damn time.  I get too sick to hardly walk for two days.  Today is day 3, so I am up and about again.  It's been like this, for a few years now.  I suppose I should be thankfull for the One out of three, Yes, thats what I should be thankfull for.   

Just as well I suppose, as the meds burn me up in the sun anyway,lol!  It does break me down, not being able to do, go out, like I used to.  I'm only 51.  Lordy, I best make the most of these 1 of 3.  I sure hope they find a cure for this illness.  Like any illness, be it cancer, diabetes, whatever, little by little they take away our independance.  Fight the fight, but sooner or later, we are going to need somebody.

Bertram

[Billy B]

SA- I will be 56 soon and I can tell you that before I started exercising daily if I did a project it took a day to get over the soreness. My negative friends have the same complaint and I believe that it is Age not AIDS.
I did bring up the fact to my IDS that I thought that I was more sun sensitive since starting meds. He said that he had other patients with the same concerns but he just advised me to use sunscreen and do my outside work early in the morning or later in the day since older people did not need to be working outside in the blazing sun.
Billy

[sorryass]

Billy, your point is well taken.  I am not terribly out of shape.  I have been a gardener/landscaper my entire life.  I know what hard, hard work is.  Roling out turf, wheel barrels, stone work, pools.  I was forced to stop working because I simply couldn't stand on my feet any longer.  The pain was simply too much to endure.  The pain caused by peripihal neropathy is excrutiating.  MY feet, up my leg.  My fingers, and into my arms if I do not stay on the Kadian that keeps it under control.  Humph, not aids huh?!  I beg to differ.  I don't drink, or smoke, I have looked after myself as best I can, still, it's not enough.

As for burning up, I've seen every dermatoligist on the West Coast.  You don't think I know WTF sunscreen is?  You seem to have it pretty good Billy.  Good for you.  I hope no one piss's in your cornflakes anytime soon.
Bertram.

[phildinftlaudy]

Billy, your point is well taken.... The pain caused by peripihal neropathy is excrutiating.  MY feet, up my leg.  My fingers, and into my arms if I do not stay on the Kadian that keeps it under control.  Humph, not aids huh?!  I beg to differ.......You don't think I know WTF sunscreen is?  You seem to have it pretty good Billy.  Good for you.  I hope no one piss's in your cornflakes anytime soon.

Well, if no one has pissed in Billy's cornflakes lately, you sure seemed to try to do your best to be the one to do it..... his response, IMHO, was just to give you some additional feedback on what might be causing your problem...your response to him was very hostile and defensive.  I don't think it was called for - especially considering that you left an extremely important element out of your initial post (your peripihal neropathy) which, had it been included in your initial post, would have probably explained a lot about the pain you are experiencing.

Hopefully, you will find some relief and not take such offense to other people resonding to your posts with information that is probably only meant to be helpful - even if you don't agree with it -- otherwise, you may find that people just quit responding to your posts, which could prevent you from receiving some feedback or responses that you would find useful or supportive.

Once again, I hope that you are able to find some relief and be able to enjoy those things that you seem to enjoy (such as being outside gardening, etc.).  Best to you.

[Joe K]

As for burning up, I've seen every dermatoligist on the West Coast.  You don't think I know WTF sunscreen is?  You seem to have it pretty good Billy.  Good for you.  I hope no one piss's in your cornflakes anytime soon.
Bertram.

What exactly do you want members of this forum to do for you?  Billy shares his experience and you claim he's pissing in your cornflakes?  Really?  It appears to me that you are so angry about being poz and the damage it has caused and that is perfectly normal.  What is not normal is for you to attack other members because they do not share your same problems, as if your problems are somehow their fault.  Your problems are yours and nobody is to blame, other than your HIV infection.

My husband has severe neuropathy and on some days, he is simply unable to move without incredible pain.  He has spent years searching for relief, with little success, yet he has refused to surrender his life to a terrible condition.  He knows that if he gives in to his pain, then he has nothing left.  Yes he hurts, he's angry and wishes for the pain to go away, but it doesn't and he refuses to accept defeat.  Instead, he adjusts his life as necessary to do the things that bring him pleasure, in spite of his pain.

I empathize with what you are going through and you have every right to be angry about your issues, but you have no right to take that anger out on others.  I cringe every time you reference another member as having better health than you, as if that is somehow their fault, or something they should be ashamed of and most hurtful is when you demean them for something that has nothing to do with your issues.

Nobody here is demeaning you for what you are experiencing and all members are trying to do is to somehow help you as you seek your solutions.  You seem so intent on wallowing in your own misery and playing the "I"m sicker than anybody else" card, that you leave us few options.  All I can offer is that you find a way to channel your anger into fighting your issues, because attacking members who are only trying to help does nothing to help heal you.

[sorryass]

No you did'nt read it properly, I said someone should piss in his cornflakes, so he could experiance a bad day, seeing as his seemed to be so peachy keen.  I am not angry about being poz, I am angry about what people, (like you, and billy) do to me. You don't know me.

Whats this crap about, I"M SICKER THAN YOU ARE? ARE YOU MENTAL? I simply stated my physicall state of being. I do not wallow in my own misery, (fuck you are messed up) I live my life to the best my health will allow.  I will not defend myself against you again.  Get Well.

Bertram.
 

[bocker3]

So why don't you simply tell us exactly what it is you want us to say.   Clearly you aren't looking for anyone's input or personal story.  What you did to Billy was simply uncalled for. 
You sure did pick a very apt screenname here..........

Mike

[Jeff G]

Bertram reads malice in to peoples advice quite often Billy . I have been on the receiving end of his bitter rants myself so just ignore him .

[Joe K]

No you did'nt read it properly, I said someone should piss in his cornflakes, so he could experiance a bad day, seeing as his seemed to be so peachy keen.  I am not angry about being poz, I am angry about what people, (like you, and billy) do to me. You don't know me.

Let me get this straight. You are angry because Billy is not as miserable as you and you wish for something BAD TO HAPPEN TO BILLY, to make his life as miserable as yours.  You are right, I don't know you and with such a despicable attitude as you have shown... I have no desire to know you.  But make no mistake, nobody is going to allow you to actually wish harm on another member.  You are bitter and hateful and you should be ashamed of yourself for ever suggesting that something bad happen to Billy.

I reported your post to the moderators.  Hate speech has no place here... ever.

[Dachshund]

Dude didn't wish harm on anyone and you guys have totally misconstrued his meaning. And for Pete's sake Joe quit lecturing people. Hate speech, really?

[Joe K]

Modified:  Bertram has extended an apology in another thread.

[Billy B]

Bertram- Uh...I am not into "Golden Showers" and I am sorry if I made light of your daily pain. I did not realize by your first post that things were going so badly for you. I have bad days but not as bad as my friends who are now dead because they were + and did not survive long enough to see these wonderful meds that are keeping me alive.
Peace,
Billy

[sorryass]

Billy, I overreacted to your post, I am sorry for that.  It's been pointed out I take things far too personally, and now that I sit back and study things, they are right.  I took your post out of context, read into it what I thought you were saying, and off I went.  I'm sorry.   

I've been doing alot of that.  It needs to stop, not just here, at aids meds, but in my life.  I've become so negative, reading motives into everyone actions.  I am making a concerted effort to change.  Back to the easy going person I was.  I posted a thread in the LTS to explain how I got to this state.  It took a long time to get here, over 2 years.  It's not going to go away quickly.  I think the mental scars will remain as  much as the physical scars.  Justice is never served in a case like this.  Never.  It's like those poor people who lose their entire life savings, their homes, everything, to swindlers.  And the bad guys get 1 year in jail, out in 8 months.  No justice.  That's part of my anger.  No doubt. 

But the Billys and Joes of this club should not be subjected to my anger, and you won't.  Just respectfull , thoughtfull, dialouge.

[phildinftlaudy]

Hi Bertam:

I wasn't able to respond to your post in the LTS thread - as I am not a LTS - so, I hope you don't mind me responding here.

I sincerely hope that you are able to overcome the anger you have been feeling.  From your latest posts, you seem like a genuinely nice person with a good heart --- it would be a shame to let anger eat at you and destroy that part of you.  Anger definitely has its place and can be a productive emotion, it is just when it becomes a controllling emotion that it becomes detrimental to one's well being.

Just know that you do have people here who want to be supportive and understanding.  We are also accepting of the wide range of emotions that each of us experiences at one point or another in our lives.  I'm looking forward to seeing and hearing from the Bertram who overcomes the anger - allowing his genuineness, happiness, and goodwill to come through in a positive way.  You have a lot to offer - to LTS' and newcomers alike.  Hope you don't take this the wrong way - but maybe you will even ask the mods if you can change your screenname from sorryass to happyass  (SMILE).....

All the best to you as you continue on this journey of self discovery and as you are able to show even more the person that you are ---- kind, loving, caring, and compassionate.

-Phil

[Billy B]

Billy, I overreacted to your post, I am sorry for that.  It's been pointed out I take things far too personally, and now that I sit back and study things, they are right.  I took your post out of context, read into it what I thought you were saying, and off I went.  I'm sorry.   

I've been doing alot of that.  It needs to stop, not just here, at aids meds, but in my life.  I've become so negative, reading motives into everyone actions.  I am making a concerted effort to change.  Back to the easy going person I was.  I posted a thread in the LTS to explain how I got to this state.  It took a long time to get here, over 2 years.  It's not going to go away quickly.  I think the mental scars will remain as  much as the physical scars.  Justice is never served in a case like this.  Never.  It's like those poor people who lose their entire life savings, their homes, everything, to swindlers.  And the bad guys get 1 year in jail, out in 8 months.  No justice.  That's part of my anger.  No doubt. 

But the Billys and Joes of this club should not be subjected to my anger, and you won't.  Just respectfull , thoughtfull, dialouge.

Bertram- Thanks for posting back and I cool with it.
Peace,
Billy