Advice needed please

[PJC0510]

Hi!

I have been pos since March 13, 2006.  I have been in a relationship for 7 /12 years and had contracted it during the relationship during a one night stand.  I felt like crap to bring this into to our home.  I have to live with this for the rest of my life.

Well, everytime we argue he brings it up, calling me a slut, and keeps reminding me of it!  We almost broke up, but decided that we cared for each other to much to not at least try to work this out.

Now I cannot seem to do anything without judgement and it saddens me.  He went on vacation and I had dinner with  2 friends of mine, not ours, but primarily mine and he flipped out!  Once again with the slut name calling, and degrading me because I am Positive.  It just adds to the strains of having the disease and also work pressures.

I care for him allot and would like to stay, but I told him numerous times how much it hurts me when this happens and he still does it.

Any suggestions would be helpful.

Thanks for listening!

[Cliff]

Both parties suffer in adultery.  One side wants to forget and the other wants to punish.  He's hurting and he's punishing you every time he brings up your infidelity.  Maybe he thinks he will feel better if he puts you down.  Or maybe he thinks he can leverage your infidelity into forcing you to do what he wants you to do (i.e., not having dinner with your friends).  Trust issues, perhaps?

Finding out your partner cheated and had unprotected sex (contracting HIV) is probably a lot to digest.  Not sure how long it would take to resolve and overcome all of that, but I suspect less than a year is probably not long enough (for the average person).  I can understand where he's coming from.  I was (am) in a similar situation.  It wasn't betrayal per se, but there was deceit and misinformation.  Anyways, for a while I tended to use the fact that he infected me against him.  I used the fact that he lied to me, against him during arguments.  I used the fact that I have now have HIV, (because of him), as a one-upmanship.

Why hasn't he forgave you? 

I don't know.  But one possibility is because he thinks he benefits by holding onto the anger and resentment (control).  He's probably also hurting and his responses to you are borne out of that anger and hurt feelings.  He's got to learn how to channel his feelings into more productive ways.  He's got to learn what it means to forgive.  How?

Counseling/therapy for a start.  For both of you. 

I don't think you can just ask him to stop bringing up your infidelity or stop calling you a slut.  It may work, but probably only temporarily.  Unless the underlying issues are resolved, they will probably come back to hurt both of you, sooner or later.

Cliff

[water duck]

I would second Cliff

Counselling/therapy : definitely !!

Looks like something deep down within your partner had become 'alive'.
Don't you get a feeling like sometime there is another person infront of you ??

YOU may have to live with this bug for the rest of your life but not this 'mistake' that you have made. What if the tables were turned, and it was him that was poz ??

Siang

[Queen Tokelove]

Pj~~

That is a tough one. If it was me, I would ask forgiveness. If you have done that and he is still bringing it up, to me, it becomes a form of abuse. I agree with Cliff, maybe professional help is in order, but it has to be something you both want to do in order to try to salvage the relationship.

I think since you did the deed, it has probably destroyed the trust he has for you. And rebuilding that trust is the hard part. It sounds like he has become insecure since this has happened, now you can't even socialize w/ friends w/o being suspect. I hope the love you have for each other along with the help of a professional will help put the pieces back together. I will keep you in my prayers..

[Life]

Loving relationships are not just falling out of the trees these days.   Open up those lines of communication and tell him how you feel...   Sounds like something got broke or busted along the way...

Great advise oozes here....

[poet]

I support the suggestions above.  You and he both need to start hearing each other.  Remember what you ended up: 'thanks for listening.'  (Yes, we handled this recently in another thread, too.)  We are listening.  We get it.  You and your partner aren't listening to each other.  By choice?  For control?  Because you are the fall person in something very, very complicated, NOT just having sex outside of the relationship, but getting something which would complicate any relationship on top of having the sex.  If you and he can't get to the point of listening to each other, yes, by all means, get someone (a counselor) in between the two of you to tell each other what you are trying to tell each other.  Win

[aupointillimite]

I was in a similar situation in a previous relationship.

Please go to couples counseling.

We were serodiscordant and my ex used HIV as the sledgehammer during our arguments.  I had the feeling that he was using it to make me feel bad and probably have that emotional strangehold on me.

I regret that we didn't do anything about it... after we broke up, there was a lot of animosity that came from the HIV thing.

So, in short... don't do what I did... which was nothing. 

[Eldon]

Hey PJC0510,

It is unfortunate that you have tested positive for HIV. However, it is a good thing that you have accepted the situation that you have to live with it for the rest of your life.

The main reason he keeps bringing it up is because he is emotionally hurt behind the situation. In this case, he is having a tough time accepting what has happened. This is the cause of much of his anger as you both argue in a situation.

The reason he flipped out behind your dining experience with your friends is because of what has occurred and he is extremely sensitive about the matter. In fact, he continues to care for you and he does not want to see you get wounded once again.

In this relationship, the both of you truly care for each other. This is a salvageable situation as you both need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk. Ask him what is it that is on his mind and let him get out into the open. Clear communication will work its best in this situation.

You will want to exercise Acceptance, and Understanding just as well. just as one of the other members have mentioned, you will want to initiate some form of counseling with the two of you.

This makes (6) six of us who are in agreement that counseling is in proper order for this situation.

When you are having conversation, don't hold back, give him feedback with what is in your heart and on your mind. You will also want to encourage him to do so just as well.

I wish you and yours the BEST to find that middle ground with this emotional situation.

Make the BEST of each Day!

[Robert]

It hasn't even been a year since all this started to unfold.  Like Cliff said, it's not long enough for the 2 of you to come to grips with everything.  I was diagnosed over 3 years ago and it hasn't been easy.  A lot of ugly "ups" and "downs" but we've both wanted to keep the relationship going.  A lot of game playing on Michael's part (the oneupmanship that Cliff refers to) so I've  had to bite my tongue and ignore it.  A year ago he was physically pushing me away.  But now we're getting back what we had a long time ago.  He's laughing at me again, saying silly things, teasing me...those small things that bring people together. 

Give it time.  It's going to take a lot of patience.

robert