How do i "snap out of it" when i have a bad day ?

[Movingon]

Hey All

I am trying to get on with my life , 5 weeks after being diagnosed. I find myself having one good day, one bad day, and so on ....

Even little stuff , like hearing a song , or looking at my wedding pictures, or talking to my brother on the phone etc can set me off and bring me back to exactly where i dont want to be - miserable, suicidal, lost, scared and just damb right PISSED off.

How do you experienced ones, old timers, or people who have lived with this for a year or so pick yourselves up when you have a bad moment ?

I have READ so much and done loads of research, probably too much if i am honest, and i just find it all too overwhelming. I am told that being diagnosed in 2007 and being in my early 30s , healthy, in good shape, physically fit etc ..gives me a good chance of living a normal life span. But right now i have to admit that it sure doesn't feel like it, and a normal life span with this shit on my mind seems like an awfully long and winding road ahead, and frankly its a road that i am not sure if i can be botherd too even walk

The other thing i am worried about if my wife. She tested negative and we are very careful, but we both know that she will have to be tested again in 3 months from now, and probably every year or so for the rest of our lives. How the f**k would we handle it if she were to test positive ? This just all seems like too much for me / us to handle and frankly i feel like just throwing in the towel and being done with it all

Strangely enough, i feel great, fit and strong. Being aware of ones healthy certainly does make me feel better, its just this constant reminder of the fact that i am hiv positive. Every mirror i pass, i look in it. Every reflection i have in a shop window, i look. Every morning i wake up and have a shave, i just feel like putting my first through the mirror !! I feel hatred, dirty, scared but most of all, i feel that what i have done to myself, my wife, and my family is unforgivable.

I am sure most , if not all of you have gone through what i am going through, but HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH IT ?

This morning at work and yesterday in the gym, some of my friends commented on my weight and said i look a million dollars. True, i used to be a fat bastard, weighing in at around 250 pounds. I tried to slim down on purpose for a year or 2, then testing postive made me evaluate my life. Also, i have slighty high cholesterol so i have been in the gym every day, eating great, swimming , walking, changed my diet and get loads of sleep. I am happy to be looking great, and i think my hard work is paying off, but i am also fearful this weight loss (now weighing 224 pounds, lost about 6 pounds in 3 weeks) is due to the HIV and not my life changes. I am sure i am being paranoid. Its just weird , 2 months ago i would have been delighted with my friends comments about how good i look, but now knowing i am postive, these friendly comments from friends just make me shit myself.

cheers

Thanks for listening

[lucas clay]

You just have to go day by day. and i dont know if it gets any easier.
It has not for me.My wife is negitive also, but every test is hell waiting for her results.
So far so good after 2 years. use those condoms my friend.

Fell free to pm me anytime

                                          Lucas

[mjmel]

How do I snap out of it when I have a bad day?
There are so many ways and means that I've tried. Many are successful. You discover them as you live your life.
One of the foolproof approaches: I think of a young child in a cancer ward. Laying there in bed scared and hurting at such an early stage of life. I think of how that child is in pain, nausea and sick beyond what I've ever dealt with in my life. I have suffered nothing in comparison.
xxx,
Mike

[BT65]

Just give yourself time.  You're new to this and you're going to have those kind of days when you want to put your fist through your mirror. 

This forum is a great support network.  The people on here are the greatest; I'm so glad I found this place as I'm sure you will be. 

If I have a bad day, sometimes I make a gratitude list.  I think about other people's problems and know I'm not the only one who has desperate moments.  It helps to know you're not alone, I think.

Hope things go better-

[Andy Velez]

First of all, living with HIV is still very new for you. So you need to give yourself some time to get adjusted to it. It takes time (and some work) but it will happen. And you may always have "a bad day." It's just a part of the territory.

Feelings come and feelings go. Sometimes if you're really down you may find making a mental list (or writing it) of things you're grateful for in your life interrupts the depressive wiring circuit. It's amazing sometimes how effective it can be. Really.

As far as your weight loss is concerned, it sounds to me like you're probably taking better care of yourself now. And as long as you are being monitored regularly by your doctor I don't see any cause for concern. Should your weight continue inexplicably to drop then I would say a call to your doc is in order to discuss it.   

Give yourself some leeway with your emotions. They come and they go, often changing from second to second. You're always welcome here to talk about whatever is on your mind and to ask questions.


Cheers,

[Moffie65]

I highly recommend printing out Tendai's thread and read it every time you have a not too special day.  Surely helps me to read this kind of story, knowing that it involves someone in our AM family and nothing we can do about it. 

Hope this helps,
Love,

[Life]

C...  "Fake it till you make it"...  You will, give yourself some credit where credit is due...  Everytime you go down that Fucked up path, stop going, you know where that one leads.  Try beleiving what people are telling you..

Hugs,

Eric

[StrongGuy]

I would also re-iterate that time often helps your mind wrap itself around the shock and anxiety that comes with diagnosis and put the negative feelings into persepctive.

You cand do it -- just give yourself time to sort it all out...

[Movingon]

what is Tendais thread ??

[DanielMark]

Lostnscared,

Try to keep things in perspective. This is all new to you. Trying to absorb the oceans of information out there (and some of it is wrong) will only leave you drowning. You probably find it confusing as much as you do frightening. Give yourself time to adjust to your new reality. You are not going to get sick and drop dead tomorrow.

"I feel hatred, dirty, scared but most of all, i feel that what i have done to myself, my wife, and my family is unforgivable."

Could this have anything to do with why you are being so hard on yourself? I’d suggest you look into that with professional help before the guilt eats you alive.

Daniel