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Author Topic: I inherited a 18 year old gay cousin... I want to scream...  (Read 5295 times)

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Offline BubbaPat

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I inherited a 18 year old gay cousin... I want to scream...
« on: August 04, 2023, 06:14:26 pm »
At first... I thought I was just helping out a cousin.  He's been out since he was younger and grew up in my hometown but his mother moved to a smaller town nearby.
I'm just venting to keep my sanity, sorry in advance.
Since him starting college, my husband and I have been his parents essentially.  We've been the ones to help him move into college dorms, help with paperwork, keep him fed and help him with gas.
He's even move in with us during college breaks an is now living with us after his transfer to a local university.
I told him don't lie to me since I've been gay an out a lot longer than him.  I've told him be responsible and I'll judge on the things he does.  The only catch to that is his idea of "questionable decision" is NOT what mine is.
Because his car has been out of commission, he has decided that he needs sex.  He can't wait and no.. he is NOT a virgin.  He just things that he shouldn't have to wait to get what HE wants.
I'm trying to adjust to the fact that his parents were NOT great and really haven't changed.  I like to believe we're better parents than his biological ones are.  It's just that I don't believe I would have EVER put my parents in situations like he puts me in on a daily basis.
Some days, my own depression/anxiety kicks in and I start to think of telling him he needs to find other arrangements for his living.  I just know that he'd wind up being a hooker.  He's already admitted to using older men for money at different times.
I've not told him I'm POZ and he's too lazy to actually figure it out.  It's been tough for me to take meds and since he can't take a pill without mashing it up, I'm scared for him.
I try to tell him to think things through.  He just stops at "I want" and doesn't go beyond.

Thanks for reading.  Input is not needed yet I do appreciate advice.  Currently just want hugs and to cry and have my own pity party for a bit then go back to normal.

Bubba hugs y'all.
Today is just stressing me out.  Neede
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Offline Towel

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Re: I inherited a 18 year old gay cousin... I want to scream...
« Reply #1 on: August 05, 2023, 12:08:53 pm »
He sounds quite immature, as you said he is 18, so hopefully this will change with age. It's best to support him in the way you can for now, to make sure he does not do something that he will regret later. Maybe get him a lot of condoms.

Offline leatherman

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Re: I inherited a 18 year old gay cousin... I want to scream...
« Reply #2 on: August 05, 2023, 03:41:27 pm »
maybe it's time to talk to him about your situation and diagnosis. In the past, I got a lot of flack about this, but I've always been one of those "honesty is the best policy" kind of people though.

For me disclosure was really easy. My partner had just died of AIDS and I was in the hospital trying not to die of AIDS so every friend, family member, neighbor, employer, etc knew about my situation. When I didn't die, I came back home with no more secrets.

My nieces and nephews, even though they were in elementary school, got the whole spiel. I mean Uncle Randy was dead and Uncle Mikie was really sick, they needed some explanation. Then some years later Uncle Jim died too. The good thing is that the explanation and my example must've stuck with them. All 5 of them are between 25 and 31, and no one has HIV, no one has ever gotten an STI, and no one is pregnant yet.

I don't know your situation but disclosing could be an opinion to consider.

If not, don't expect him to think about consequences (brain formation says that isn't his strong point at this age) but be sex-positive and give the big ol' gay sex talk. You're old enough to understand what has happened with the HIV pandemic and how it still goes on today. At the very least for this situation, check in with your provider about getting free prevention literature, free condoms, PrEP, and/or HIV risk counseling for your cousin.
leatherman (aka Michael)

We were standing all alone
You were leaning in to speak to me
Acting like a mover shaker
Dancing to Madonna then you kissed me
And I think about it all the time
- Darren Hayes, "Chained to You"

Offline kentfrat1783

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Re: I inherited a 18 year old gay cousin... I want to scream...
« Reply #3 on: August 05, 2023, 08:54:30 pm »

I'll start off with I don't have kids so I may not be the best to step into this conversation but I throught I would. 

1) Is it possible since he is now living with you (have your support) that he is finally trying to express himself and just trying to figure out who he is?  He may have felt sufficated or didn't feel he could be himself around his mom?

2) In turn this has pushed him to doing some irresponsible behaviours.  Now this come in where you need to help him but also not push him away as I am sure he trusts and respects you. 

3) As LeatherMan stated talk to him about yourself.  May be good to have this on a one-by-one basis.  Start with "I want you to know about me and how I only want the best for you".  He is 18 and thinks he is imortal but even when they don't want to admit they need to hear about our struggles.  Even when they don't appear to be listening they are. 

4) May even be good to place literature around the house about safe sex, condom use, STI issues to look out for, etc.  My niece and nephew weren't allow to learn about birth control or STI issues and they now both have kids and unknown what other issues.  Again, when you aren't around they do look at the stuff but won't admit it.  Unsure if you are up for it, get a supply of condoms that are readily available for him to use. 

5) I'm sure he likes money and maybe bribing him could help.  Have him go to the Dcotor/Health Department for an HIV/STI checkup and if he does it then he gets X amont of money.  Back in the day, the local health department was doing a thing where if you got an HIV test you got a gift card. I went and did it but freaked me out when they started the test even when I assumed it would be Neg (as it was then).  Sometimes just getting tested may allow him an option to talk to someone or get other resources. 

6) Even just coming out point blank and saying "You do know you can come to me and tell me anything and I won't judge you?  I love you and only want the best for you.  Please never fear that I will hate you.  How can I help you?"     I just have an odd feeling he has never been told that (something from your post makes me feel that) or he doesn't fully know you are their for him.

Not saying you have to do any of this but just thinking of options to get through to an 18 year old (kid) and just trying to make sure he grows up to be a great guy (that I am sure he is). 

Just remember what you felt like when you were 18, felt free, and wanted to expand your wings. 

On a different note, I hope you are doing well and this isn't causing you too much stress.  I'm sure it is but I hope things turn around soon for both of you.  Don't forget we lead by example.
Date - CD4 - Percent - VL
08/23/23 - 366 - 26%
06/20/23 - 349 - 21% - UD
04/15/23 - 229 - 19% - <20
11/14/22 - 486 - 24% - 73
10/12/22 - 316 - 19% - <20
06/20/22 - 292 - 21% - <20
01/25/22 - 321 - 22% - <20
09/22/21 - 278 - 19% - <20
02/02/21 - 225 - 19% - <20
06/08/20 - 257 - 20% - <20
03/17/20 - 285 - 19% - 101 (2.00)
12/17/19 - 290 - 20% - <20
09/17/19 - 218 - 16%
06/18/19 - 173 - 16% - <20
03/13/19 - 170 - 16% - <20
January 2019 - Started Triumeq
12/05/08 - 174 - 18% - <20
08/28/18 - 166 - 15% - <20
05/08/18 - 106 - 11% - <20
03/05/18 -   90 - 10% - <20
12/11/17 -   60 -   8%
09/07/17 -   42 -   6% - 54 (1.70)
May 2017 - Started Atripla
05/11/17 -    2 -    1% - 169,969 (5.23)
Dx`d May 11, 2017
Location: US

Offline Jim Allen

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Re: I inherited a 18 year old gay cousin... I want to scream...
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2023, 09:49:00 am »
How are things going? Any improvement in the situation?
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