So I just messed my life up

[Ruined Life]

I am currently living with this and am struggling to cope as its my fault.
Background is a happy heterosexual relationship of a 9 and half years, 8 year old daughter. We are always together, never apart, work and live together. We were 24/7.
Didn't want it to end.

Felt like I had a lack of sex and fantasy in the relationship in the last 2 years so I went and got it during a bad patch and........
Slept with a female prostitute and now have HIV.
I told her straight away, diagnosed in March and contracted in October. She is safe.
She can not leave the family home as there is a housing shortage so we have to deal with each other on a daily basis whilst she frantically tries to move out.
We see every part of our lives being ripped apart, selling our belongings, publishing everything on facebook. (apart from my HIV). The pain it is causing our friends and family is terrible.
We are untangling our entwined lives...
I am not looking for sympathy but advice. Does this get easier.
Iv cheated once in my life and its bad enough but adding to it with HIV i do feel hard done by.
I loved my partner but let her down, thats terrible and show what type of person I have become.
She told me she could of gotten over the cheating but not the disease.
She has been great stopping me killing myself and making sure im ok but she is having to hide her feelings and it killing her. It shows what type of woman i am losing.
I have been writing suicide notes and letters about my day, but they all end sad.
They are mostly about my partner and what I am losing. I do not blame her.

Does this get better? I assume thats down to me. We have a very small circle of friend and go the same place. We see each other daily at work. I have a good job but now feel i have to leave. I can not watch her daily.   

[Tonny2]

                   ojo.           Hello there!… I’m sorry about your dx, and I’m sorry about your family dilemma. Speaking about the HIV diagnosis it will get easier but about your relationship if she loves you, take her with you to the ID Doctor so he/she can explain to her what HIV is and maybe she will understand and stay with you. I hope somebody else will chime in and can give you a better advice. English is my second language, and I can’t express myself as it were my native language. You are not alone as what a living with  hiv is, Information and support. Speaking of it when medication as you taking and how are your numbers?… Wishing you the best and we are here for you.… Hugs

[Jim Allen]

Hiya.

Sorry to hear about how much pain you are in but you are not alone.  Also sad to hear your wifes issue isn't the cheating but having a partner with an easily manageable condition.

Read your post a few times... Appreciate right now a lot is going on, grieving the end of a relationship and digesting an HIV diagnosis at once can easily feel overwhelming at times. Things do get better, relationships do sadly end, it's part of life and HIV isn't the end of the world.

However, don't give up the job, you need an income, and although painful at the moment I think quitting and being out of work or starting a new job will only compound matters. Don't engage in disruptive behaviour at home or online, I know you mentioned Facebook, don't! And as horrible as it sounds talk to a lawyer sooner rather than later, divorce always sucks but best to get legal advice early.

Talk to your HIV healthcare provider and make sure they are aware of the feelings you have been experiencing. Certain HIV meds can make depression and suicidal thoughts worse so it's really necessary that they know. If you feel you are going to hurt yourself go to the hospital today!

What meds are you on and how are your labs? CD4/VL?

[Ruined Life]

Unfortunately for me.
Me and my partner are over.
The problem was it was a shock for us all and she couldn't stop loving me straight away.
We carried on as normal. Sleeping in our bed, going out, shopping, cuddling. Hair and neck stroking whilst watching netflix, We even went on Holiday to a 5* hotel. Nothing changed.

But at every possible moment she would remind me she is leaving.
Every time she did I would cry.
I told her I will hold on to hope that she is just moving to setup a new life then invite me.

She never told me no, just that we were over.
I think she needed it to remain as normal as possible until she goes.

I used to say she is "killing me with love" and using this time to get over me.

We had a massive argument after going to a BBQ two days ago, I told her I couldn't go to but I would if she needed me to.

I felt like a leper. Didn't want to touch anything or shake anyone's hands.
It was horrible.
Felt nervous and awkward.

I slipped into an alternative reality after a while and for a moment forgot we are not together and started to relax.

It all came crashing down when I walked in on her talking to someone about needing help to call for an apartment as she needs to leave me.

It broke me, I had to leave. Crying. I told her I had to go and she should stay but she didn't want to so we all left.
Horrible, I must have looked pathetic.

She was angry with me but what did she expect after doing that?
After needing me to be there. asking me to come, she didn't need to say it out loud and not there.

At home that night it all went wrong, screaming and shouting at each other, glass thrown at me and cutting my leg.

She told me that she knew 2 weeks ago we would never be together again and was sick of hiding her feelings to protect me.
She said she was done with me and was going to text my bother saying she can not care for me anymore with my mental health but stopped herself.

I was so angry that she was letting confess my love and holding on to hope when she could have just let me go.

I know I did this but she could have just said there is no hope and I could have tried to change my mind set.

We have a lawyer booked to go over everything.

At the start we had agreed to always be there for each other and I will help her every step of the way with everything. Taking her shopping, family days out together and i'll take our daughter to school everyday and drop her off. Also stay with me a 3 nights a week.
We just can not be together anymore.

I used to say "It feels to us like an unwritten law that we cannot be together and we still love each other so it will all work out".

She now told me she wants nothing from me just to see our daughter.

In the end I broke her and our family also my life and I cannot ask for help as I did this.   

 As of 10/4 my CD4 is 225 and VL is 385

[Jim Allen]

Hate to say it but your wife and the situation sounds toxic to me and you are torturing yourself but going alone with pretending things are normal, going to BBQ and even vacation with her, stop it!

Anyhow, sorry to hear about your struggles.

What HIV meds are you on? Have you spoken to your doctor about your mental health and have you considered seeing a therapist? Might be worth seeing your own lawyer separately before seeing one together.

[Ruined Life]

Im on Biktarvy, dont feel any side affects so far.
Also have to take
1 x antihistamine daily
1 x omeprazole daily
1 x Trimethoprim/sulfamethoxazole every other day

Things will stop in time and once she is gone the real struggle will begin.
She is trying to do everything herself now but also has got friends involved to help her.

Iv been to 1 mental health group so far, i live in Spain.
The doctors treat this like its just the norm. They have been great.
I feel my letters are helping me, I kept saying to my brother, once thing are written or said they are out my head.
I am trying self healing first but will always seek help when needed.
My brother has been great and giving me list of reason to stay around.

As bad as it sounds a main concern is she can move on and I cannot. She is a very attractive woman and always get attention.

She has been hard done by so why shouldn't she move on and have fun. I know its the last thing on her mind but its the first on mine.

These are petty things that I must not dwell on and need to get out my head.
Work is going to be the worst as I am the boss.

[Tonny2]

          ojo.              Gola tio!, lamento mucho tu situacion but I guess you are right, you ruined your marriage, if you are her boss you have to behave like a boss, she is the one that has to leave her job I think…well about what I know about hiv, you are taking a good medication, I wish I could take one pill a day. You are going to fine it takes some time to get used to being hiv + but it’s not the end of the world, my mantea is that there are others with worse condition, trust me…about what’s going to happen and n 30 of taking meds,nobody knows although I’ve been taking meds for 29 years and very toxic meds, I haven’t grown a third eye, which it would help me because I just got rid of one, my pipi is still small, lol. What I mean is that you have not other choice if you want to have another chance to vindicate your life, because not taking medication means bye-bye. Comprendes?… wishing you the best, we are here for you and I hope and you quit thinking about killing yourself and look for help because life is good even living with HIV. Maybe in the future you will find someone else who will love you for who you are…abrazos

[Jim Allen]

I'm glad to hear your brother is supportive, as for self-healing, fine but I would urge you do this in addition to working with professionals. Keep going to the mental health group you mentioned, also seek one-to-one therapy and make sure your HIV specialists & therapist are both aware of how you are feeling and the suicidal thoughts.   

As bad as it sounds a main concern is she can move on and I cannot. She is a very attractive woman and always get attention.

Managing your spouse at work, there are so many good reasons why this is a terrible idea.

Can't be changed right now, so keep things professional at work, and don't do anything stupid. If you are working for a large corporation you might want to give HR a heads-up about this situation with your wife.

As for her moving on, it's not a competition between you and secondly what she does with her life and with whom she does it has nothing to do with you. Focus instead on getting better mentally for yourself and your daughter and work through the situation one day at a time, things will get better, but it will take time.

[Ruined Life]

I know she can do what she wants and none of my business. I just wont be able to go our local bars ect....I can not see it.
Im just acting like a baby and feel hard done by, women do say "take a toy away from a child and he will want it back, same goes for men"
In time we will see if I did love her as much as I thought but after all I did cheat so. My own fault.

I knew the answer, just needed to hear it.

Moving on, went on a hike today with my daughter in the forest so cleared my head.

All is ok at the moment with my mental heath, I know it will come in stages along the way. I just need to fill my time and get her out my head.

Work is no issue as the owner knows the truth as hes a friend of ours and is helping her, given her a pay-rise and told her she can take what she wants from work for the apartment. Even suggested he would buy some where for her to rent off him cheap.

Ill keep updating as it all unfolds..........