POZ Community Forums
Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits => Mental Health & HIV => Topic started by: beautiful_disasterx on August 03, 2013, 05:50:31 pm
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I've read some of the posts on here and I have to say that some of you are very strong and brave. Some of you have been able to cope with you + diagnoses. I pray I can view HIV as some of you do. I, However am not able to accept this disease, at least not at this moment. Its is not my intention to offend anyone who has HIV or knows someone with HIV. I'm simply here to try and reach out to someone living with this disease or someone being affected by it in some way. I'm just looking for some advice or some level of understanding. I truly apologize if anyone gets offended by how I personally feel.
I'm overwhelmed with anger and regret. I have moments where I'm okay and I feel as if everything is going to be alright. Other times I feel like my life is over and I just wish I wasn't here. My self esteem has been hit severely. I feel worthless, dirty and disgusting. Due to not having the best reactions from people I've come across and just my own personal view of myself. The people in my life are supportive and do not treat me any different but they tend to tell me that its no big deal and its like having any other disease. I don't agree. I have people around me who can't relate to me and think I'm overreacting. Maybe I am . I honestly don't know. All I know is I feel very low. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't imagine a future where I'm okay with having this. I keep thinking about being alone for the rest of my life, never being accepted, and never having all the things I dreamed of. How can a virus make you lose your self worth and level you to the point of no return? A virus I can't even see and fortunately I can't feel. I'm taking all the appropriate steps. I'm in therapy, I'm on medication for depression and the HIV. I don't feel like it's helping. The only things I haven't tried is talking to someone who may have gone through the same feelings and range of emotions. I am here, trying.
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Well welcome to the forum!
You can talk it out here I guess. There are bound to be people who can relate, have gone through similar dark phases, or at least want to send you some support.
How long has it been that you got the diagnosis? It can really floor someone.
By the way, we are all HIV+ here, the only people who are not are posting in "Am i Infected" or "Someon I Care About Has HIV".
Because you are depressed you are not seeing the whole picture. Read your own post. I am sorry to hear you have had some bad reactions. At least in here, nobody will judge your feelings or your own reaction to being HIV+. But also, it does seem like you have told some people who "are supportive and do not treat me any different" - so that is a contradiction to your feeling that you are now dirty, worthless and will never be accepted.
You see, thank god, some HIV negative people really take the news in stride, its just another piece of information about you, and its doesn't change who you are in their eyes... So yeah, we get some bias and prejudice and bad reactions, but at the end of the day, a lot of time that is THEIR problem, not ours to solve.
We make our lives as much as possible with our own self-acceptance, self-love, and with the support of people who see the big picture, not concentrating on what disease anyone has.
Think about that? When you realise yourself that you are not dirty and worthless and unloveable, you will be able to see the rest of the world without being hurt. Bias and prejudice might then make you angry but it won't hurt you emotionally, or at least not as much.
Anyway as many will tell you, it does get better and you can come back to living in the new normal of being HIV+ and get rid of this pain and the dark clouds.
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Hi beaut
I was EXACTLY where you were two years ago and I could have written your post. Fear, shame, disbelief, tainted , damaged, thrown it all away, regret.....sound familiar. The one thing that kept me going was that folks on here who've really LIVED with this virus for many years said " with time, things will get better " Given how I was feeling and obsessing (it was the first thing I thought about in the AM and my last thought before sleep) I was skeptical that in the days to come, there would be relief. Slowly, but surely there was and is - you've got to have that hope. Because of the millions of brave men and women before us with this, we are a very lucky group as science has the upper hand. Today, two years later, I still have bouts of real struggle with shame and regret in particular, but I also see how I have become a much stronger and insightful person as well. Take it one moment, one hour, one day at a time - all will be well.. I promise.
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I've read some of the posts on here and I have to say that some of you are very strong and brave. Some of you have been able to cope with you + diagnoses. I pray I can view HIV as some of you do. I, However am not able to accept this disease, at least not at this moment. Its is not my intention to offend anyone who has HIV or knows someone with HIV. I'm simply here to try and reach out to someone living with this disease or someone being affected by it in some way. I'm just looking for some advice or some level of understanding. I truly apologize if anyone gets offended by how I personally feel.
Hi B-D,
As Meech already said, it does get better with time. I've been positive now for about 8 years. I can remember my diagnosis well. Thoughts about being HIV+, and how it was going to affect the rest of my life consumed me those first few months. It was rough. I can remember not being able to sleep in on Saturday mornings when I didn't have to work because I would immediately start thinking about HIV.
As I learned how to accept it, HIV no longer ruled my every thought. Life became normal again.
I'm overwhelmed with anger and regret. I have moments where I'm okay and I feel as if everything is going to be alright. Other times I feel like my life is over and I just wish I wasn't here.
I hate to say it, but many people here go through the same process. Some can accept it immediately and move on, while others find themselves in a funk and sink into despair. It's up to you how far you sink. If depression has already been an issue before it might be advisable to seek out the help of a therapist. And, while therapy might still be in order, if your depression is primarily caused by your diagnosis you might find all you need here to pick yourself up.
My self esteem has been hit severely. I feel worthless, dirty and disgusting.
I can understand. Having little knowledge regarding HIV can have this effect. But please realize, you are not worthless, dirty, or disgusting. It's just HIV. Your life can be as fulfilling and passionate as it was before. It's just going to take you a bit to get back to that mindset.
Due to not having the best reactions from people I've come across and just my own personal view of myself. The people in my life are supportive and do not treat me any different but they tend to tell me that its no big deal and its like having any other disease. I don't agree. I have people around me who can't relate to me and think I'm overreacting. Maybe I am . I honestly don't know. All I know is I feel very low. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't imagine a future where I'm okay with having this.
If I had one thing I would change about my experience after diagnosis it would be not telling certain people I was HIV positive. I really needed that time to get my feet back underneath me. The negativity from both mine and their ignorance, was really of no benefit to me. It only added to my feeling "worthless" which simply was not the case.
HIV treatment is much different today, and certainly more tolerable than it was for those in the 80's and 90's. It's going to be up to you to fulfill a normal life expectancy this point forward.
I keep thinking about being alone for the rest of my life, never being accepted, and never having all the things I dreamed of. How can a virus make you lose your self worth and level you to the point of no return? A virus I can't even see and fortunately I can't feel. I'm taking all the appropriate steps. I'm in therapy, I'm on medication for depression and the HIV. I don't feel like it's helping. The only things I haven't tried is talking to someone who may have gone through the same feelings and range of emotions. I am here, trying.
I use to think I was going to be alone for the rest of my life too. All those dreams I once had would no longer be attainable. If someone told me back then that I would be married today and even have another daughter I would have never believed them. Hell to be honest, if someone even told me that HIV would only come to mind during a doctor visit I would have accused them of lying. But all that became true for me. Don't get me wrong it was a journey, and I chose to take a rough path at times. I hate to use the cliché but life is what you make of it will be truer now than it ever was before.
I welcome you to the forums. Keep talking, keep reading, and digest the learning process as well as possible.
Sk
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hi.
I just want to reconfirm there have been many here feeling the same as you and have managed to struggle through. It takes time. Be patient.
SK is great example. He came here crushed and defeated. It hasn't been easy for him. He'll be the first to admit he's had his ups and downs with many of us here. But he has struggled through and and is a shining example how we can live with this virus (he's had a kid, for christ's sake. how many of us can say that?) If you have personal questions or issues send him a personal message (pm). He'll be more than willing to help you.
There is a catch, though. You have to post 3 times before you can send or receive pms.
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I am sorry to hear you have to join us, but welcome to the forums. It does sound cliche, but time does help. If you see many here dealing with things so well, I am sure, for many, that it has been the passage of time. And, for many of them, they still have their issues. Of course, some are able to just deal with anything that comes their way. Some are just able to process life obstacles and move forward right away. Some deal with things very well right away, but things hit them much later. But, I think most were in your same mindset, or somewhere in between.
Keep in touch here, and engage in conversations. And, don't feel like you have to apologize for your feelings and how you're coping.
Ted
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Welcome to the forums.
Here it is from my perspective. You planned a life. HIV was not part of that plan. Now that HIV has entered your life, it has disrupted the plans you have made.
Your ego has taken a hit. You're dealing with uncertainty concerning your health. You're dealing with hindsight. You're dealing with "what if..." You're suddenly dealing with a health issue looming large in your life. You're also dealing with having to mourn the loss of the life you knew pre-HIV.
Uncertainty and lack of experience with a potential, (not certain) life-changer is causing you anxiety. This anxiety is amplifying your emotional response to dealing with HIV.
So, mourn if you must, but eventually you'll see that there is little to mourn. Counter your anxiety by educating yourself. This site will give you a lot of good information (and a bit of hypochondria if you let it). Just because it says some medical condition is possible, it does not make that condition inevitable. Take the cautions as "here is something to be aware of, not something you will likely see if you take care of yourself and take managing your HIV seriously."
HIV is a very manageable condition. No, it's not unicorns and rainbows. It's also not sackcloth and ashes. Give yourself time to adjust. Give yourself permission to feel the way you do. Take this at your pace and you'll be fine.
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We've all been there... Unfortunately you have to go through "this" to get to "that". "That" it is NOT at all doom and gloom for many. In what you say about accepting? Well acceptance is the "key" that will set you free. You wont find the answers without asking the questions... Keep asking....
Hugs,
Eric
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All of these responses have been wonderful...read and believe them...Can I offer one thought that is perhaps a bit more pragmatic, as a newly diagnosed person who was where you are just a few months ago?
I would offer that a fresh discovery of and commitment to exercise has been a deal changer for me. Besides the incredible physical health benefits, the release of the endorphins and serotonin and everything it does in your brain has been a world of difference to me. It is something measurable and practical I can do every day to fight this disease and to seize the enjoyment of my life TODAY.
Sorry to be so practical - but I echo what everyone else has said - and just add that as a little bit of food for thought.