Happy Halloween

[Joe K]

We have started our annual quest, spending hours combing through various stores for just the right costumes.  I have always enjoyed Halloween, but after meeting Stephen it took on a new significance.  He's a Drag Queen, so he brought a new zeal to dressing up and we have elevated it to an art.  We enjoy morphing into something each year and constantly amaze our friends with our zest for the holiday.  But my enjoyment of Halloween has another darker side.

As I dress each year and labor intensively over my makeup and wig, I almost become giddy, because I am able to transform into someone or something else, at least for that night.  My makeup and costume serve to shield the world from what I have become.  My costume hides my skinny and vein-bulging legs.  It covers my extended belly that I gained from PIs.  And for one night it helps me to forget the physical destruction that HIV and the drugs have wrought.

My greatest enjoyment is having the makeup cover my sunken cheeks and eyes.  I am not, by nature a vain man.  I have been blessed by genetics in that I enjoy good looks, but HIV has taken a horrible toll.  Over the years I have watched my face and body change, with each change being a little more severe than the last.  Where I once possessed beautiful characteristics, I now see both the ravages of time and of my disease.  I suppose it is fortunate that I am not overly vain, because otherwise I fear this destruction would be insurmountable since there is a world of difference in taking pride in one owns appearance and vanity.  Actually I find vanity rather laughable, because one is taking credit for the luck of the genetic lottery.  However, I do want to maintain the looks that I have been so fortunate to acquire.

Except that it has proven not to be.  I suppose it is because of all the friends that I lost and how I watched HIV ravage them, up to the bitter end.  When I lament my loss of beauty, I need but think of others.  Friends who have had to endure shunts, ports and feeding tubes, just to maintain their health.  Or those who lost their teeth or eyesight to this disease, yet carried on valiantly.  I am reminded of those who dressed to hide their KS lesions.  And the countless others who have suffered the loss of physical attributes, but through it all, they each retained both their dignity and humanity and by doing so, their beauty.

For even as I lament my loss, I take solace in the peace that my body changes have provided.  Which is rather odd, when you consider I am part of the gay community that often values vitality and beauty over substance.  Through the years, as I witnessed the change in others and myself, I began to appreciate the adage that “beauty is only skin deep, it is ugly that is to the bone”.  I became capable of looking beyond the body and seeing the heart or soul of a person.  Where I might have worried about looks, I was now concerned with that person’s health.  Where I might have worried about what others thought, I was now only interested in my friend and how they viewed the world.

I once possessed a rather shallow view on the world, which has changed to seeing the real beauty in life.  To enjoy the sparkle in someone’s eyes, regardless of the state of the body, remembering that the eyes remain as windows to the soul.  Learning what is truly important in life and making friends, not based on how they looked, but based on the caliber of their character.  Understanding that beauty in a person is not what you see, but what they are.  I have been fortunate to know some of the most beautiful people to have ever graced this planet.

Each time I become distraught, regarding my looks, I revisit my past and everything comes back into perspective.  I remember what is truly meaningful in life and bask in the incredible life that I enjoy.  I never need to look any farther than Stephen, to realize how fortunate I am.  Yet, when Halloween comes around, I still get giddy, because for just that night, I get to forget some of my loss and play pretend.  What I enjoy most about Halloween is that I get to morph into this year’s fantasy, without losing, what I know is truly important.

Happy Halloween

[GSOgymrat]

I love Halloween. I'm right there with you.

[ARMANDO]

WHAT A GREAT POST,I LOVED READING IT!!! i have loved HALLOWEEN evet since i was a child  and  i love getting in costume and going out to the gay strip whether it is in DALLAS,HOUSTON,AUSTIN,NEW ORLEANS,OR JUST BACK HOME IN SAN ANTONIO.I used to feel embarrassed that i looked forward to halloween so much but now i just enjoy it totally!!

[bocker3]

Joe,

I hope we get a picture of whatever you decide to turn yourself into for Halloween!

And... while I did not know you pre-HIV -- I think that you look pretty good (not too many men that I know could have pulled off that leather kilt you wore in Boston), we are so often are own worst critics!

I'll be away for halloween, so no costumes for me.

Hugs,
Mike