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Author Topic: Empty inside  (Read 5813 times)

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Offline TabooPrincess

  • Member
  • Posts: 314
Empty inside
« on: November 04, 2018, 02:58:49 pm »
How do you cope when everything around you is ‘perfect’ to look at but you’re empty inside, mostly from this big secret having eaten away at your soul?
No, I’m not depressed
Anxious and paranoid yes, mostly in relation to my ‘secret’ (which for the most part has to be kept, this is not a disclosure discussion)
But I feel empty. I feel like I’ve been on the wrong path for years, since diagnosis I guess.
Any advice? Links? I’m wanting to sort this, life is too short!
I also don’t want ‘comparisons’ - yes, life could be a lot worse, I get that.
09/ 2008 - Seroconversion
11/2008 - Tested pos, cd4 640 vl 25400
12/2008 - cd4 794 vl 27798, 35%
03/2009 - cd4 844 vl 68846, 35%
06/2009 - cd4 476 vl 49151, 33% (pregnancy confirmed)
08/2009 - cd4 464 vl 54662, 32%
Started meds for pregnancy (Kaletra, AZT, Viread)
09/2009 - cd4 841 vl 3213, 42%
10/2009 - cd4 860 vl 1088, 41%
11/2009 - cd4 771 vl 563, 38%
12/2009 - cd4 885 vl 151 42%
Discontinued meds after baby born
02/2010 - cd4 841 vl 63781, 38%
05/2010 - cd4 1080 vl 113000, 39%
08/2010 - cd4 770 vl 109242
12/2010 - cd4 642 vl 111000, 34%
06/2011 - cd4 450 vl 222000, 33%
11/2011 - cd4 419 vl 212000, 24%
03/2012 - cd4 280 vl 118000, 26% (repeated Cd4 at 360)
05/2012 -cd4 360 vl 99,190
10/2012 Atripla, cd4 690, vl 80
12/2012 Darunavir, norvir, truvada, Cd4 680, vl u/d
07/2013 cd4 750,ud

Offline fabio

  • Member
  • Posts: 763
Re: Empty inside
« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2018, 05:51:54 pm »
Coping depends on the day. There are days when  I'm down,but most of the time it's just normal.
The key about it all is to not think about your hiv status dramatically. It's better to see things in a pragmatic level,try not to give too much emphasis on the fact that you specifically have hiv. Many people deal with this and they are still alive and well (us,basically lol).You're gonna play with the cards you have.
Try to move on with your life as normal. I know that taking the pills every day reminds us of the condition,but as time passed I noticed things get more routine-ish. That's all the advice I can give. I hope for you the best 💚💚💚💚 and hang in there,you're not alone.


Offline TabooPrincess

  • Member
  • Posts: 314
Re: Empty inside
« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2018, 04:28:37 pm »
Thanks Fabio.
You’re right it’s not every day. And actually it’s not much to do with the hiv - I blame it for robbing me of a life that I can still have anyway just don’t have the guts to go get. Some days I do. Most I don’t. I rarely think about being poz, but when things go dark it’s the first thing I blame.
09/ 2008 - Seroconversion
11/2008 - Tested pos, cd4 640 vl 25400
12/2008 - cd4 794 vl 27798, 35%
03/2009 - cd4 844 vl 68846, 35%
06/2009 - cd4 476 vl 49151, 33% (pregnancy confirmed)
08/2009 - cd4 464 vl 54662, 32%
Started meds for pregnancy (Kaletra, AZT, Viread)
09/2009 - cd4 841 vl 3213, 42%
10/2009 - cd4 860 vl 1088, 41%
11/2009 - cd4 771 vl 563, 38%
12/2009 - cd4 885 vl 151 42%
Discontinued meds after baby born
02/2010 - cd4 841 vl 63781, 38%
05/2010 - cd4 1080 vl 113000, 39%
08/2010 - cd4 770 vl 109242
12/2010 - cd4 642 vl 111000, 34%
06/2011 - cd4 450 vl 222000, 33%
11/2011 - cd4 419 vl 212000, 24%
03/2012 - cd4 280 vl 118000, 26% (repeated Cd4 at 360)
05/2012 -cd4 360 vl 99,190
10/2012 Atripla, cd4 690, vl 80
12/2012 Darunavir, norvir, truvada, Cd4 680, vl u/d
07/2013 cd4 750,ud

Offline fabio

  • Member
  • Posts: 763
Re: Empty inside
« Reply #3 on: November 05, 2018, 06:21:46 pm »
I know,it's the thing that gets me too,when I am sad for whatever reason,I  blame myself for not being careful.with my life and stuff. But truth is,everyone makes mistakes,that didn't stop anyone living their lives with dignity.
Try to make every second count,enjoy everything,especially little things in life,and if things go dark,open up the lights. Contact us, I always reply to people who feel sad and emotionally down,it gives me a purpose,since I'm not really good at anything,I try to give my share to people who need someone to talk to...:)
Anything that troubles You,don't hesitate ,send me a message or write something public I'll be here. ;)

Offline MarkintheDark

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: Empty inside
« Reply #4 on: November 05, 2018, 06:33:29 pm »
Hi Princess -- Sorry to hear you're struggling with this nagging burden.  Certainly it's not as though you're new to HIV either.

Would the help of a therapist be something you'd consider?  There are plenty of us, myself included, who've successfully gone that route.  It may not just be the HIV issue.  There may be other issues exacerbating it and a good therapist, preferably someone who has experience with us poz folks, can help you sort it out.

PM me if you like.  Hugs.
HIV dx - 02/93
AIDS dx - 07/01
Rilpivirine/Cabotegravir guinea pig since 01/17

Offline em

  • Member
  • Posts: 691
Re: Empty inside
« Reply #5 on: November 15, 2018, 09:22:06 am »
no comparisons that makes responding somewhat difficult and limiting i will try my best

being paranoid does not mean that people are not out to get you

I could write a long response for mental health issues I will respect your request

any advice ? personally I have been given some mental health advice that very usefull and even more that was completely without merit of any use whatsoever. After many years of trying to get help for mental health

just like every where else some times mental health professionals are helpfull and some times not so much  Just don't give up. advice I could sure use my self 


I hope you find peace and acceptance of this situation we here have in common

 


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