I can't work there, she tried to eat my soul!

[Strayboy74]

I sat across from her, the desk between us was layered with papers, folders, and books.

Her hair, black and white, framed her bulbous head in a bobbed cut.  And her eyes, silver, singed disks, traced in black liner, rested upon me carefully in a mantis-like gaze.  The outfit she wore was charcoal and grey, void of cheerfulness and without even a hint of kindness to other colors.

I cleared my throat.

"Would you like some water?" she asked, "you must be terribly thirsty, having been interviewed by Joan already."  The smarminess in her voice made me shiver.  And, as she pulled a water from beneath her desk without even blinking or even moving her eyes, I knew I wouldn't survive.

I looked to the Ansel Adams photograph on the wall for comfort, though its lack of color echoed the bleak proclaimations of my torturer's cold, yet fashionable ensemble.  I took her water, but really just to be polite.

"I always ask these two questions of any potential candidate...."  She continued, still not blinking; and, for a brief moment I let my guard down, her eyes - unyeiding - reached farther into my soul, constricting as would a snake around a wimpering puppy, squirming to be free.  "Where do yo see yourself in 5 years?" she asked.

I looked at my bookbag, contemplating the consequences of telling her I just shit myself in fear, and running from her office drained of my eternal essence. "Advancing, growing, changing..." I offered, hoping that an earthquake would break her otherworldly concentration, from my brimmingly disturbed presence. I briefly quivered.

"Good, good," she said, contemptfully from behind her constantly focusing, judgmental eyes. "Now...."

I looked at the clock on her wall which echoed eternities as the second hand hammered percussive judgement through my very being.

"...what do you see..."

My knees  and legs began to tremble... I knew what she was going to ask.  I suddenly felt the urge to fall to my knees and weep uncontrollably, crying for salvation and for the spirit of god almighty to free me from the tortures of this worldly existience, letting the spirit of jesus himself flood the cockles of my teemingly sickened soul, "Yes!  Yes," I proclaimed, Crying with all my might, "You found me out!!!  Perfectionism!  it's my weakness!  Just don't eat my blackend and dirty soul!"

She sat quietly, looking at me, mouth opened, sentence incomplete.

I picked up my bag, leaving her office, jobless, yet relieved.

I quietly wept as I walked to the bus, knowing that this would be an emptiness that not even four soft taco supremes from Taco Bell could fill.

-joseph

[egello]

awe.... gosh, i hear hou, my life these days doesn't seem all that worth much, it really should have ended during my pcp...

but then again, i am here and try to make the most out of the time i have while i am alive

what did you tell her?

[Strayboy74]

awe.... gosh, i hear hou, my life these days doesn't seem all that worth much, it really should have ended during my pcp...

but then again, i am here and try to make the most out of the time i have while i am alive

what did you tell her?

huh??!!!!!??

[dtwpuck]

I don't know whether to say "bravo" or to regale you with stories of all the people who have run from my office, scared, beaten, and quivering after an interview. 

I think I will just say "bravo!"  because what you wrote would be enough for me to ask you if you want a job.

[jcmiami]

Great story! Maybe I will try that sometime at an interview your gut feelings tell you are not going to be hired at. Hell I will do just for the drama, that employer will never be the same...hee hee

[Longislander]

loved it! But fill us in, you still have the old job, yes?

[Strayboy74]

loved it! But fill us in, you still have the old job, yes?

Yeah.  Strangely, yeah.

You see, not yesterday, but last Thursday, I entered my boss' office because she had restricted access to a database that she and I frequently use.  Since we are the only two who use the database, it was easy to detect the passive agressive behavior.  And, my propensity for proclaiming the white elephant in the living room for what it is helped me to get to the bottom of the matter very quickly.

I confronted her actions in restricting my access to the database.  It was obviously for one of two reasons: either we were all getting raises that she didn't want me to know about OR she was removing me from the database.  As my line of questioning in the matter revealed, there will be no raises.

She told me that she felt that I was not happy in my position (imagine that!) and asked me if this was true.  I couldn't lie.  The flood gates burst open, and before I knew it, I had confessed my innermost desires to work elsewhere in a loving, healthy environment; the fact that Madonnas best work was really on the Like a Prayer album; and I even sat on her lap as I scribbled for her my closely guarded cinnamon roll recipe.  Yes, for one brief and shining moment, our souls became one.

You see, as it turns out, we were both glad that I was going to be seeking a position with a new employer.  You can imagine my surprise to learn that I could attend interviews on company time - paid no doubt!  How very generous!  I guess when someone really wants you to leave a position there's no telling the hurdles they'll assist you in jumping!

But, above all...  I've really, and truly learned one thing of this whole experience.  A please, a thank you, and a smile REALLY will take you far, especially if that's all someone really has to hate you for!

Kill them with kindness.

-joseph

[Bucko]

I remember a time when I was unemployed and desperate for a job. But I wanted a good job, something that would relaunch my career after moving back from France. I had taken subsistence jobs for too long, and needed a break really badly.

I'd been interviewing with several potential employers, but the job I really wanted seemed just beyond my grasp, and I was worried about having to settle for the les-than-optimal because I had run out of money.

The job I really wanted seemed to involve endless interviews. I had gone through three, plus a long introductory talk with the manager. When the phone rang and the owner of this company requested that I come in again, I was confused and cautious. I seriously hadn't a clue what more she could possibly want after three exhaustive interviews and a long introductory talk with the manager, but I went.

She sat me down and asked if I'd care for some water. It was misummer in Boston and scorchingly hot and I'd walked from the subway stop in the sun. I took the cup and she sat very near me, our knees almost touching. Breathing sharply, I touched her knees with both my hands and said:

"Since after three interviews there is something about me that you still wish to learn, I want you to know that I'm prepared to give you blood, stool and semen samples."

She looked at me with the oddest look, then slapped me on the chest.

"I just wanted to tell you that you have the job, you idiot!"

Our eyes locked for several seconds, neither saying a word, then at the same moment we both burst out laughing and gave each other a hug.

True story...

Brent
(Who goes above and beyond the call of duty when required)

[SASA39]

You should see an only female social worker in Serbia who is in charge of a HIV patients.............
Me : " ................I feel very guilty because of my children , wife , ......................."
She (with two surnames , blood like red hair and glasses ) : " did you wanted to be sick ?............."
Me : " No..........but................she-interrupting me : " Than this question is resolved..........next ? "
Next was quiet by me for about one minute................
First app. was 50` second 30` and she did not showed herself on a third.............she was to tired ! ? !
                                                       Al

[northernguy]

I'm convinced your brush with the interview succubus is punishment for not taking the porn job

I love the "perfectionist" answer.  How HR people must tire of hearing from those whose greatest weakness is being a perfectionist!  Why do they even bother to ask?  I'm so tempted to answer:  my greatest weakness is being a slack-ass who who works to live, and will never live to work.  But somehow I don't think that will get me they keys to the executive washroom...

[Strayboy74]

I'm convinced your brush with the interview succubus is punishment for not taking the porn job

yeah, that'll learn me! LOL

I love the "perfectionist" answer.  How HR people must tire of hearing from those whose greatest weakness is being a perfectionist!  Why do they even bother to ask?  I'm so tempted to answer:  my greatest weakness is being a slack-ass who who works to live, and will never live to work.

Truth be told, I always feel like such a fake at an interview.  Interviews are supposed to be an opportunity to showcase my total package in the workplace. (so to speak)  However, I find myself always trying to one-up their expectations, and kissing ass.

What I really want to do, one day, is walk into a job interview and tell them, "Tell you about myself?  I'm a serial rapist and child molester.  Can't you tell by my tie?  What kind of asshole interview is this, anyway?"  or "And I promise that if I get this job, I will forever be the perfect subhuman, engage myself in every aspect of your personal life and neglect my own, while never letting my contempt shine in my ever worshipping eyes."

Or maybe pick my nose through the entire interview and then attempt a hearty hand shake at the end.

I've actually been thinking about writing a book filled with completely psychotic misadventures in the job search field, showcasing all sorts of interviews in different fields where I perform secret sociology adventures on the person who interviews me.  LOL

Perhaps if I ever get to go on disability.

-joseph

[poet]

Or hear the voice of David Sedaris in your head as you speak.  Win