Worrying. Is it needless?

[jammy]

ok first of all I want to thank everyone that contributes to this forum particularly Ann, Eddy, etc.. Ive been reading the responses for a couple days now and have found some comfort from Ann's & Eddy's responses.

My problem is this Im in a committed relationship for 3.5 years now but I recently messed up and slept with 2 other women. The first was either July 28 or August 4. It remember it was a Saturday so its either of those dates. we had protected vaginal sex 3-4 times and we used a dental dam for a little bit of oral. the dam shifted in the process and i could taste her vagina. not the juices but the general taste. she's very promiscuous and has since told me that she had sex with another guy 2 weeks before me. this is why i am worried.I have a feeling that she may be HIV+ as last week i asked her to get tested and she found all sorts of excuses for every day of the week. That just seems a bit fishy and she hasnt called me since then. God forgive me but im thinking she's one of those persons who willing try to pass on HIV to get revenge for what has happened to them.

the second incident i did with another girl on August 11. protected vaginal sex 3-4 times only i did full oral on her without any barrier. i even stuck my tongue inside her vagina. i ask her to test and she came back negative 3 weeks ago. im not worrying much about this person because she seems more honest in terms of her sex life. the other girl not so much.  i did a test on September 13 (5.5 or 6.5 weeks after the first incident, 4.5 weeks after the 2nd incident) it came back negative but I still plan to retest at 3 months. but its a pain waiting for another 2 months.

All this is getting to me. I was a wreck a week ago but have since found comfort in this forum but i still cant get it off my mind. i cant focus on normal life as i used to and its affecting me tremendously. I have had unprotected sex with my fiancee a couple weeks ago and am worrying i may have infected her as well. I wasnt worrying about all of this but ive had a dry cough going 6 weeks now which ive been treated by 2 different doctors for it. thats what cause me to start worring I have since refused to have any more intercourse with her because of the possibility that i may be + and its not yet showing up at the same time hoping i didnt pass it on on those 2 occasions. i havent told her all of this because i dont want her to start worrying like me.

I know you guys say oral sex is 100% safe but im just worried still. at one point she was laying on top of me and her vagina touched my penis for a couple seconds and i pushed her off. could her fluids enter my penis like this or when i was washing off my penis the water pushed her fluids in the opening at the tip of my penis. Thanks for reading this.

[RapidRod]

You never had an exposure in any of the situations you've provided.

HIV is transmitted by;
Unprotected penetrative anal and/or vaginal sex
Sharing works with other IV drug abusers
Mother to child

[jammy]

thanks RapidRod.

So would you advised me to continue having unprotected sex with my fiancee or wait until i get tested in 2 more months for a conclusive result? I just wish i could get tested now and be over with this.

[jkinatl2]

Well, you pose absolutely no risk for HIV in the scenario you described.

But unfortunately, you can get gonorrhea, syphilis, Chlamydia, and pretty much any other STD from the scenarios you described. In males, these STDs can often go undetected. If you give any of these to your beloved, she can suffer teribbly, from not being able to bear children to potentially lethal blood poisoning in worst cases. I would absolutely recommend using a condom with her at least until you have had a complete STD checkup.

Seeing as how syphilis shared a three month window for testing as HIV, you might as well get an HIV test then too. Not that you were at any risk whatsoever for that particular STD, but while you are there, why not?

People seem to think that HIV somehow trumps or negates other STDs. It doesn't. There are many of them, and most are FAR easier to catch than HIV.

Though this isn't an HIV situation AT ALL, I feel queasy telling you that your significant other is free from harm if you have unprotected sex with her before testing for other STDs. Especially since they can really, really harm her in ways that the ending of your relationship cannot even compare.

[jammy]

thanks alot for your response jk. its the first time in weeks since ive felt whole again. i hope you guys are right on the hiv thing. as for the others. i did plan to get a full stds test done this week. just to rule out anything else. i will re-test for syphillis in 6 weeks just to be sure but as for the other stuff i rather deal with them now.

2 doctors i went to and both told me that i can get hiv from oral. one said i should retest in 6 weeks and then 6 weeks after that. the other said i should re-test in 6 months and again in 6 months after that.

 i just want to live without worrying that i may have a life threatening illness. im just 29. my girl is much younger. im praying everyday that god will make all this go away and i finally can breathe easy.i plan to get baptised and all that. life is too short to be risking over some sex. im truly sorry i cheated on my girl and worse may have passed on something to her. i will continue to pray for all you guys here. you may not know how much you do for scared men and women like myself. but its alot. keep up the good work guys.

[Ann]

Jammy,

The two doctors you talked to either haven't kept up with the science of hiv transmission, or they are using the situation to scare you into not having sex - at least outside marriage.

Yes, some conservative doctors will do this - just like some will refuse to prescribe oral contraceptives for women. Remember that it was a conservative government who gave us the failed Abstinence Only programs. (They have been proven to be failures through studies. Young people who have only had Abstinence Only sex education are statistically far more likely to end up being unwed, teenage parents and are much more likely to become infected with STIs than young people who have been given proper sex ed and condom information.)

You did the right thing and used condoms for the vaginal intercourse. That's all you needed to do to protect yourself from hiv. And you know how you pointed out that one of the women was, in your opinion, "promiscuous"? That doesn't matter. You (or anyone else) can have as much sex as you like/can get, and provided you always use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, you'll be well protected against hiv and many other STIs as well.

Concerning you giving women oral, the only STIs you're likely to get are syphilis and/or herpes, because these two are transmitted through simple skin-to-skin contact with a lesion. When you're getting blown, the ones you might get are the two I just mentioned, plus gonorrhea and chlamydia.

You will NOT get hiv from being blown or giving a woman oral.

There have been three long-term studies of couples where one is positive and one is negative. In the couples who used condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, but no barrier for oral activities, not one of the negative partners became infected with hiv. Not one.

Here's what you need to know in order to avoid hiv infection:

You need to be using condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, every time, no exceptions until such time as you are in a securely monogamous relationship where you have both tested for ALL sexually transmitted infections together.

To agree to have unprotected intercourse is to consent to the possibility of being infected with an STI. Sex without a condom lasts only a matter of minutes, but hiv is forever.

Have a look through the condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use condoms with confidence.

ALTHOUGH YOU DO NOT NEED TO TEST SPECIFICALLY OVER PROTECTED INTERCOURSE OR ORAL, anyone who is sexually active should be having a full sexual health care check-up, including but not limited to hiv testing, at least once a year and more often if unprotected intercourse occurs.

If you aren't already having regular, routine check-ups, now is the time to start. As long as you make sure condoms are being used for intercourse, you can fully expect your routine hiv tests to return with negative results.

Don't forget to always get checked for all the other sexually transmitted infections as well, because they are MUCH easier to transmit than hiv. Some of the other STIs can be present with no obvious symptoms, so the only way to know for sure is to test.

Use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, correctly and consistently, and you will avoid hiv infection. It really is that simple!

Ann

PS - when I was newly diagnosed, my hiv negative partner and I were given a pack of dental dams to use for oral. They were these horrible little green squares of thick latex. We laughed, decided they'd make good ground sheets for camping mice, and threw them out. We never once used dental dams during our eight year relationship and he remained hiv negative. And mate, he loved giving oral! He also liked blowjobs - and he remained hiv negative.

Use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, correctly and consistently, and you will avoid hiv infection. It really is that simple!!!

Ann