Getting tested- scared of the consequenses

[Scaredandashamed]

Hi ya'll.

Here I am, scared and lonely. I have been working away from home some years, and have unfortunately been stupid enough to vistit some CSW.

Incidents:

1)CSW indonesia - condom broke tested negative

2)CSW Spain - To the best of my knowledge no condom break, tested negative four weeks after. Than I kind of came to my senses and said to myself- do not worry- you had a condom on, you're not infected.

However, 2 weeks post this testing I got the flu, chills etc- this is my point of worry now. It is in the window period, and I can feel a lymph node of the size of a bean on my neck. It's been there a looooooong time.


Problem is, that I have been unfaitful with my fiancee, and I guess that the HIV anxiety has something to do with this. Have decided to try to stop the anxiety now, and getting in for a test on monday.

Can you guys answer some questions?

1) When does ARS normally occur if it does, some docs say 3-6 weeks, some say no later than three etc. Confusing. Please don't tell me- you never had a risk, as the risk is real to me.

2) Is it normal to be completely healthy, lymphosytes count of some 11-1200 8 years after exposure?

3)Night sweats- I am sometimes sweating at night, normally after alcohol or to much unhealthy food. What say?

As you guys see, I am trying to be rational here, not all these PLEEEEEASE HELP ME etc.

I believe I am able to cope with the diagnosis, but if worse comes to worse and I get a +(Hopefully not), how would I be able to live with myself, knowing that my stupidness and drunkness have infected my girlfriend.

The incidents above should never ever have happened, and I really regret them, because I am a nice man, who do not want to be unfaitful, but nature is nature, especially when one is drunk.

Not so afraid of the decease, more by the implications of the diagosis. Please revert with some opinions and guidance to help me cope.

Thanks, and all the best.

[RapidRod]

I hope you are done with your drama. You can test 3 months past your last unprotected sex and obtain a conclusive test result.

[Scaredandashamed]

What do you mean about drama. I think I formulated myself quite rational.

[RapidRod]

Whatever. 3 months and test.

[Scaredandashamed]

thanks teak

[Andy Velez]

Scared, your symptoms mean zilch in knowing anything about your HIV status. And there is absolutely nothing you are reporting which is in any way suggestive of HIV.

If I am reading you correctly you had one brief possible exposure when your condom broke. That's a very, very low risk. In any case it reads as if you are so worked up at this point that you need to test for your own peace of mind. As Rod suggested, do that a 13 weeks past the most recent risky incident.Since that was actually quite far in the past, you can test anytime now and get a reliable result.

And I do expect you will test negative.

If your symptoms persist that is something to discuss with your doctor. I don't see yours as an HIV situation. 

[Scaredandashamed]

Thank's that is true, I am really worked up, high blood pressure, nightmares etc. It is not because I am so afraid of HIV, but more so because I am worried about beeing guilty of givig this to my g/f. BTW, the condom break I tested negative twice, 4+12 weeks after exposire, so that one should be in the clear. It is just this thing in spain just brings up a hellowalot what if's, feeded by paranoia. If I try to acess this from annother angle, everything seems ridiculus, but you know fear runs it. People have been in this situation before, and I am sure  I am not the last one either.

What I am trying to tell myself is that:
1) Not all prostitutes have hiv- actually just a few.
2)I used a condom
3)The CSW insisted on condom use

Be it poz/negative I will be strong, It is enough worry now. Must be better to cope with a diagnose than all this fear.

Take care.

[Ann]

scared,

You don't need further testing. Your condom didn't break in Spain and condoms have been proven to prevent hiv infection. You ARE hiv negative.

Seek out counseling for your feelings of guilt. We cannot help you with that here and you will not be permitted to use this forum as your guilt dumping ground. You are conclusively hiv negative and that's that.

Ann

[Scaredandashamed]

Hi all,

got tested today. I am so scared. This is terrible, I am so f**cking worried- But I will deal with it! Please send me something encouraging, as I am freaking out here.

I have been so stupid, and if I have infected my g/f, I can't even begin to imagine how I can forgive myself.

getting results on wednesday, please send my g/f a prayor or two.

Hugs

[Morgan]

Re-read Ann's last post............... slowly, and take it to heart. 

[Andy Velez]

You can't pass something you don't have and you will not have gotten HIV when you were wearing a condom. Period. End of story.

Whatever is causing your symptoms has nothing to do with HIV. See your doctor if they persist. A great deal of it sound like anxiety-related effects to me, but check things out with your doctor just to be sure. What I am certain about is HIV is not the issue. And no testing is necessary since you haven't had unprotected intercourse since your last negative result.

OK, so you're a dawg like a lot of us and you went straying. There's nothing you can do about that. It's just a part of your history. The best thing you can do for all concerned is accept that, take a breath and let go of all the guilt and shame. Otherwise it will be a burden in your relationship and your life in general. So stop indulging in the drama and just let it go.

In the future avoid situations where you mix excessive drinking with impulsive sex. It's a dangerous combination.

So take a breath and get on with your life. No kidding.

[Scaredandashamed]

Hi ya'll.

Got the guts to test, finally, tested negative, end of depressions. Sorry for all the folks actually infected though.

Thank you for your kind input to my little nutcase.

best regards

Ashamedbutnotafraidanymore.

[Andy Velez]

That's great that you got that all-clear, happy negative result. Make sure for future reference that you are always using fresh condoms that fit you properly IF you have occasion to be with someone other than your gf.

As far as the shame factor, dragging that indulgence around is poison to everyone and especially yourself. You're a dawg like a lot of us and you went straying. That's done. Take a good deep breath, let it go and get on with your  life. If it continues to be a problem in your life then see a professional person and talk about it. The sooner you unload shame and guilt the better off you will be.

Good luck to you.