the hole in my soul

[Strayboy74]

I was deleting messages on my phone today - a necessary inconvenience.  You see, I don't really like talking on the phone, with friends family or otherwise.  I get anxiety.  When the first ring happens, my blood pressure rises, and the head weasels begin crawling out of the woodwork.  Did someone die?  Is someone calling me because they need to tell me bad news? Is it a bill collector?  Anxiety.  Just your regular garden variety, but debilitating, nevertheless.

The last message on my phone was from my grandmother, from whom I have been estranged and out of communication for over four years.  My family tend to call each other on the phone only when another member of the family has passed away.  My heart began immediately racing, and I braced myself to learn that my father or uncle had passed.  I finished deleting the week’s worth of voice messages, and hung up the phone, wondering if I should wait until tomorrow to call her back.

My grandmother and my father are my only living biological relatives.  My sister died last year at 34, and my mother when I was nine at 33, both from a genetic illness that I also share.  This illness usually brings fatality in the mid-thirties – my 32nd birthday is November 27.  I know my time is coming.

Grandma and I haven’t spoken for almost 4 years (even at my sister’s funeral) because of something she did that hurt me so terribly I couldn’t forgive her.  She intentionally kept me from saying goodbye to a loved one, and kept me from finding closure.  For this I have not been able to find words that adequately express my hurt for her to understand.  She still thinks that what she did was a good thing.

Anyway, I called her back.  Nobody died.  She was just reaching out.  She began to tell me about how there is a county health worker who comes in and bathes her once a week, and helps her to clean her house.  She told me about how she can barely walk now.  As she told me, I remembered the many summers I would spend on her front porch swing, as the dusk would usher the sound of cicadas, and the feel of her soft cool skin against my face as I would lay into her.  I then remembered the last time I visited, and how sadly I had become when she seemed to have more gray hair than she had the prior visit.

I remember crying inside.  I remember, also hugging my mother as a child, realizing that nothing would last forever.  And coming to the realization that eventually we are all alone.

My grandmother told me today about the funeral arrangements she has made, so as not to cause any inconvenience to anyone.

Right now, I just want to turn into the little boy of 8 years old, with a mom and a sister, and everyone as I would like to remember them.

Mortality hurts.

[Longislander]

Hi buddy, that was alot to put out there. I'm glad you felt like sharing that.

All of us here, and especially you, know that life can be too short sometimes.

I hope somewhere in there, while you were remembering how good things used to be, you were also considering learning to forgive your grandmother so you both can enjoy what's left.

all my best,
Paul

[thunter34]

I agree with Paul.  Only you can say for sure, but your grandmother is making a significant gesture by "reaching out".  If you can find manage to do the same, you may in the end discover you've found a sense of closure with both the grandmother and the lost loved one.

Good luck with whatever path you choose.

[heartforyou]

In the end it all comes to the same : we never want to grow up.

What a beautiful tribute to your mom and sister...

Hermie

[ACinKC]

Grab hold of that olive branch.  And for god sakes go grab hold of grandma, the last thing you want is to NOT have patched things up.  You can be pissed AFTER she goes.  But for now, tell her you love her.  We can NEVER say those words too much to those of us that we do love.  You CAN be that little boy again, all you have to do is accept the past as the past and bury your heart and your head in the soul of your grandmother.  QUIT reading this and get over there.  Life is too short for grudges.  She THOUGHT she was doing a good thing.  Let her think that.  Just love her for all the OTHER things she DID do that were good, like her front porch, or ice cream or a band aid when you were hurt.  Or being there for you after your mom passed.  These for SURE were greater goods than a simple slight that was intended out of love.  Ever think it may be your mom or sister that is reaching out through your grandmother?  Maybe she was moved after thinking of them and how she wished she could have said she loved them just one more time....... and now she is doing that.  Dont miss this.

GET OUT OF HERE AND GO LOVE YOUR FAMILY!!!!!

[thunter34]

I'm with ACinKC.  That's precisely the vibe that I was feeling.  That's what I meant when I said you're gonna find a closure with both.  Run, don't walk.  A blessing awaits you.

[LatinAlexander]

I can relate to your feelings too... There was a WONDERFUL grandma lady that always knew I was gay, and never told me it..I just found out recently.

I miss her. Wherever she is, she is with me. When I think of death, I remember what she promised before she left. That she would come for me. Yes...I'd like to be a kid again... One that would suffer eating veggies, and willing to go and watch tv for hours, worried about his homework...

But, here we are. There is no back. we have to keep on moving. Even if we know what is coming down the road.

Alex

[Christine]

My goodness my tears are running down my face...it's okay, it is a good sort of cry.

We all want to be kids again. Playing outside all day long with no cares, going to bed exhausted but happy and content...But we are adults now, and with that comes the wisdom that sometimes adults make stupid mistakes.

It sounds like your Grandma is reaching out to you. Take the chance and talk to her. At the very least, you won't have the regret that you did not try.

And at the best, you can be that little boy again, if even for a little bit.

Christine

[Queen Tokelove]

Hands Christine a kleenex and a hug....((((((Christine))))))