Transexuality

[Lostgirl]

Hi everyone.  It has been quite a while since I last posted and a year since my husband's confession of being HIV positive and my own positive test test results.  As everyone here will know, the first year is a roller coaster of emotions, attitudes, confusion, insight - I could go on but I will get to the point of this posting!

Wasn't sure where to place this but felt the wider the audience the better.  Can anyone out there tell me whether if a man enjoys sex with a transsexual (more than with a woman) he is gay/bisexual/heterosexual/a sex addict or what?  It is an issue that I have been struggling to understand for a few months now and wish I could have an answer of any description.  I just don't know how to understand this and although I have trawled the internet trying to find answers that are insightful, all I get are porn sites!  Not what I need at this moment in time thank you!  Seriously, what ever anybody can explain to me and help me understand will go a long way to helping me come to some pretty huge life decisions.  Whether to finally end my marriage or not after 15 years of what I thought was a wonderful partnership, but in fact has been 10 years of one huge lie.  To me, trust and fidelity are the foundations of a partnership (not to mention love) and these have been torn out from under me.  I have spent the last year trying to be insightful, understanding and caring but have reached the point of realising that perhaps some things are just not meant to be.  Coming out as 'gay' I can fully understand and come to terms with, but this seems such a grey area.  I am looking for a therapist but don't know if they will have the answers I need.  I do know that there are some wonderful people on this Forum who will no doubt have experienced something similar and will have some insightful answers.

Thanks for all the support over the past year.

LG

[Matty the Damned]

Hey Babe,

I preface this post by saying that I'm no expert on the many and varied issues that surround people of transgender and the people who love them. We have a resident Transman in the form of our beloved Mouse (aka Jaser, aka the Smaller One) and anything he says regarding transexuality will supersede what I have to say.

But I'm nothing if not game and I'll have a crack at it.

Lots of heterosexual identified men seek out male-to-female transsexuals and transvestites for sexual encounters. In many conservative communities men seek to cloak homosexuality in ladies' clothes and I suspect that's what happening here.

Your man has a lavender itch and he gets a bloke in a frock to scratch it for him.

If fidelity and monogamy are the most important parts of your relationship as far as you're concerned, then get out now. He's never gonna give up his hairy-passion-in-a-skirt and frankly you're not enough to satisfy him.

Yeah, I know that sounds mean, but really that's not my intention. Bear with me here doll, I do have a point.

If, however, this fella is worth the stress and you're prepared to accept that he may, from time to time, seek out "women with deep voices" for certain things then stick with it. Oh, you'll need therapy and lots of support but it can be done. It's really a question of what you're able and willing to accept.

Remember, that can cut both ways. If he's free to do his thing, then you can be free to look elsewhere as well.

I've found that the most important thing in an intimate relationship is not who you fuck, but who you come home to.

Fondly,

MtD

/oy tyop/

[LordBerners]

Lostgirl, I can't say I'm an expert on men who have sex with transsexuals, but I myself am one, or was.  There are a great many transsexuals here in Thailand, and I had sex with a few (I'm quite convinced this is not how I acquired hiv, due to timing). 

I think that in my case it did not mean that I am gay, but perhaps that I'm somewhat bi.  I definitely prefer women and mostly just have sex with them, and in fact have sort of lost interest in transsexuals now that I've 'been there and done that'.  Most guys I know that occasionally go with transsexuals here are mostly hetero - they have sex with women about 90+% of the time.  I don't think many men who self-identify as 'gay' are focused on sex with transsexuals.

I think it is similar to those of us who, while fantasizing about women, have gone to get a BJ from a male partner in the sex booths at porn stores.  Now whether your husband is this type like me (the more common one I think), or a man who is really into transsexuals more than women, or men, or whatever, I have no way to know.

[GSOgymrat]

You might have better success by not trying to put a gay/bi/straight label on it. Don't think in terms of "identity" but of behavior. The issue is your husband likes to have sex with transexuals.

[Lostgirl]

Hey guys.  What can I say?  I wrote my message  in the middle of the night when suffering (yet again) from insomnia, was up for a couple of hours, went back to bed at 5am, woke up five minutes ago, and thought 'did I write to the Forum in the middle of the night'?!!!  These HIV meds will do my head in one day!  Anyway, reading your replies helped no end.

Matty - you did something I didn't think I would be able to do about this subject and that was make me laugh!!  Your insight, for what it was worth, meant a great deal to me.  Like you said, I felt that in a conservative society (which we are from and in the 50s age group) having sex with someone who on the face of it looks like a woman, but lets face it, has the male 'meat and two veg' is a way of still denying you are probably 'gay' but still getting your kicks 'just the way you like it'.  I know my husband loves me in his own way, but after many many late night discussions he has admitted he loves me not in the way he should, should never have got married, and although he enjoys sex with me (I thought we had a fantastic love life!) he does find greater joy from his other dalliances!   I think my real issue is the fact that we can trace back his HIV infection to his first actual sex act (as opposed to masturbation which had been going on for 10 years) two years ago. (Gosh guys, never thought I would be so at ease talking like this!!).  Anyway, this I think is the real issue - his infecting me after being with a transsexual.  Whatever it is, your comments made me laugh and smile and think in another way about it all. Whether I can take the stress and stay, or cut and run I'm not sure yet.

GSO - you are right.  Putting labels on things never, ever fixed a problem.  Its an issue of enjoying the sex, albeit with a heavy, heavy dose of guilt afterwards (which he tended to take out on me note!).  Period.

LordBerners - Thanks for the insight into the world of men and transsexuals.  Is it just a fad with my husband?  Not after 10 years I don't think.  I didn't realise he had been struggling with this for so long, but I refuse to feel any guilt over that omission on my part!  Hey, I'm a wee timid innocent country lass (or at least was!) and didn't know this world existed in its many forms!

Guys - thanks a million.  Take care.
LG

[Ann]

Hi LG,

My advice to you would be to seek out couples counseling and yes, you should be able to find someone who can deal with this type of circumstance.

It sounds like there is love between the two of you, but you both need to decide if that love is enough to see you both through your differences. Something as deeply emotional like this would be best dealt with in the structured and supportive environment of counseling.

If you BOTH want it to work, you can make it work. But, it has to be something you BOTH want and yes, it will take work. It's up to you to decide if it's worth it.

I admire the open attitude you've displayed thus far. I get the feeling that no matter what the ultimate outcome is, YOU are going to be just fine.

Hang in there and let us know how you're doing.

Ann

[Mouse]

I think that, if you're looking for monogamy and he isn't game for that, that is what is more important to focus on at the moment, not what sort of person he is having sex with (that isn't you!). If you guys are prepared to sit down and get help for your relationship than that's what you have to do.

But, beyond that, and because I'm probably obligated to go more into depth on this aspect of your question than the rest of it - as for the fact that he enjoys sex with transsexuals, I really cannot give you a flat out answer, and I promise you nobody else can, either (besides HIM).

His having sex with male-to-female transsexuals doesn't mean he is gay. In fact, he could be as heterosexual as any other heterosexual man. It depends on WHY he's having sex with these women, to be honest. I'm a female-to-male transsexual and I identify as gay (I have sex with other men who also identify as gay). I have been with tons of guys that identify as absolutely homosexual and have no issue with the fact that I'm not 'equipped properly'. They see me as male. But if he's having sex with these women with objectification because of the state of their bodies in mind, then it's likely that he is seeing them as a way to have sex with someone who has male bits but still LOOKS like a female, like Matty was saying. (Just as a side note I'd like to mention that doesn't mean he's necessarily having sex with men, or cross-dressers, or the like - these people could easily identify as women, and his seeing them in whatever light he sees them in does not make them any less women, but I don't know the circumstances or the sort of people he has been with).

I know I've encountered my fair share of men (and women) that are attracted to me just because I'm transsexual. It happens.

I don't think his sexual identity is the issue here at all, though, like I said. At least not in the first, most important component of what the real problem here is. I think you need to figure out how much value you place in this and how much you're both willing to work on it and the kind of relationship you both REALLY want. Neither of you can force the other to be wholeheartedly into something that isn't there, but I don't sense that. You need to talk with him about it, most importantly, and I agree with Ann that counseling is probably the best way to get all of this out in the open in the most honest way possible.

In any case, if you have any questions on the tranny issues, you can ask me anything at all.

- Resident Trans Man (hehehe).