Tired

[sorryass]

I swear, in the past two years, my life has changed soooooo much.  My physical health seems to have taken a huge hit.  Although all the #s say that I'm doing just fine, I'm not.  MY cd's are over 900, viral load has been undetectable for years now.

BUT,  I hurt.  MY feet hurt, I ache everywhere.  MY body fat is everywhere it's not supposed to be.  I take morphine for nuropathy in my feet.  have for years now.  I feel like shit.  The bad days, far out weigh the good.  I'm 52 years old, and I hurt.  I'm friggin tired, and hurt.  I do not smoke, or drink.  or any illega drugs.  some days I can barly walk across the damn floor to the john.  I am 6' 3" and 190 lbs.  A gardener.  If, by chance I do get some energy,  I do a bit of gardening, and it sets me down for 2 days.  Nuropathy sometime runs into my fingertips.  It's a result from the early drug treatment for HIV, as us LTS's know.  Fuck, I get so pissed, tired, fedup with everything at times.  To damn tired/hurt to do the bloody laundry/ dishes, housekeeping, shower even.  I used to be such a tidy, busy, clean, person.  This FUCKING  FUCKING illness is eating me up.   My nerves are shot.  Any bang sends me through the roof.  Maybe I need to go live in a cabin, in the wwilderness, with a big bag of pot.  They can send in Domino's Pizza.  I'll wash my laundry on the rocks, in the creek, by the bushs, next to the bears. LOL!

Seriously folks, I need to do something about this funk I'm in.  My body seems to be packing it in, allthough the #'s say it's not.  Is it just me, or is there something I need to do?  I go for a walk every day.  Evey day.  As long as it's not too wet.  Any suggestions?    Thanks  Bertram  xoox

[Jeff G]

I have no words to make it all better for you but I can tell you I have days I feel just like you described and it all seems like too much to live with .

About the only thing that keeps me going is to change some things up , do things I may not feel like doing just to try and make life not seem like a routine . Something to look forward to has its rewards . I hope you find a way to feel better soon .

[BT65]

I was just feeling like this today, truly. You put into words what I could not.  Anyway, I don't know what can make it all better.   And it's like I can't talk to anyone around here, because no one else I know in this area is a lts'er, nor understands the problems we face (yeah, even though our numbers are good, like you said). 

Today, I just took the day to mostly stay in bed, which I never do.  I didn't get out of bed until around 2:00 this afternoon, because my sister, who lives out of state, called.  Plus my neighbor came over to check on me, because she said she hadn't seen me in a couple days (even though my car is here).  So, I had to answer the door.  And in about an hour, I'll be back in bed.

That's good you have your gardening.  That gives you something to do, is how I would look at it.  I like jg's suggestion of having something to look forward to.  I always function better if I know something good is coming up.  I don't know if you can look at your gardening like that, but if you can't, I'll join you in that cabin in the woods, and we'll beat our clothes on the rocks together.    Just glad to know I'm not alone.

[AlanBama]

I hear you, loud and clear.   I feel the same way a LOT of days.  What can we do?  Just keep on plugging along, is all that I know to do.   Thank God for my little 20-hr a week part-time job.   It gets me up, and gives me something to do and somewhere to be.   If it weren't for that, I would lie around and feel bad all the time....I do feel better when I get up, get cleaned up, and get moving.     Also, it helps keep my eating on a more regular schedule.   

Many of us feel your pain, and we are here, in much the same boat as you are in.   Wish I knew how to make it better.

Hugs, Alan

[Billy B]

Hello Bertram- I really don't know how you can do anything while taking Morphine. I hurt everyday but I am nearly 56 and everyone I know around my age (+ or - ) has daily pain of some type. I am still working 40-50 hours a week and it is a bitch sometimes. I just push on and keep going.
I hope that you can find out what is going on and you get to feeling better soon.
Peace,
Billy

[sorryass]

   BT65, I'm so happy to know you would join me, beating our laundry on the rocks, next to the bears, in the bush's, by the creek, down from the cabin.  Time out from meds, pain, life in general, would suit me just fine.  I would fix us a pole, catch a fish, or two... Get some berrys from the hills. Cool water from the creek. The fresh, clean mountain air would lull us to sleep each night.  I would pick you the prettiest bouquet of wildflowers, you ever, ever did see.  Find a nice deep swimming hole, so we could swim to our hearts content.  We could bath in the creek.  Wash each others bodys.   Suntan in the raw on a big comfy blanket. Commune with nature. Completly innocent.  Sleep under the stars.  Perhaps a gnome would give us a wink!  A friendly gnome, a gnome of the woods.  Soon, a train whistle would blow, and we would know it was time to return to our lives.

 But we would be tanned, refreshed, renewed, alive in spirit, body, and soul.

 Praise be to the spirit that lives within all of us to carry on, no matter what.

Bertram..........Long Term Survivor.

[BT65]

Sounds great, Bertram.  Maybe someday that really will take place (who knows, stranger things have happened). 

Glad you're sounding more cheery.  I hope you feel the same.

[sorryass]

BT65

     Good, deep restfull sleep, seems to work wonders for me.  Although I do have problems, I work through them, given time.  Bones, calcium! That's the ticket for me.  My teeth, bone density loss, is a problem.  I  broke my hip, at only 44.  CALCIUM replacement.  Big ticket item.  REST, and not over doing things, my enthusiasum once started, floors me.  I think I really needed to blow off some steam the other day.  I am gratefull this club is here to allow us to do such things.  THANK-YOU!!!

                              About that Gnome.  I am a keeper, the keeper of a gnomne, for now. He is known as the Nelson Gnome, he lives in a tree, on Nelson Street, in Vancouver's West End, in British Columbia, Canada.  He, is a friendly gnomne.  The tree is located across from a traffic circle garden, that I tend.  So it's easy for me to visit him.  The tree is a massive wizened old chestnut tree, with an indented, inverted V at the base.  The V was painted by the parks board decades ago, someone put a gnome in the tree. Presently, there is a small little gnomne, sitting on a mushroom, just down at the base of that indented V.  He's been there for a very, long time.  Incredible, considering we are in a city.  My friend and I have put a small, stained glass, window, on the V. We put a small hand made wooden "nelson st. gnome" sign on his door.  With glue, of course.  I planted a wonderfull little perennial garden outside his door.  Adding a few pansys, and some baccopa.
 
                             I have a collection of "dinky" toys, hot wheels, little toy cars and trucks. I collected them from yard sales and such.  One day I believe the gnomne winked at me and said "Why not share your toys with the children?"  So......................I have.  Under the pansys, and baccopa, I place toys for kids to find.     When I go to my traffic circle garden, I bring along an extra toy, to replace the last if it is gone. 

                            Giving away my collection is bringing me alot of joy.  But not near as much as the gnomne is haveing, he has a front row seat.

bertram
xo