Test positive on Monday (NY area)

[Parker78]

Hi all, 

I just found this site and figured i would introduce myself.  I'm 33 y/o and just found out on Monday that I am HIV positive. 
I immediately told my parents and 2 best friends as i needed immediate support.  While their support has been great, i still feel so alone.  I have such a range of emotions from anger, to embarrassment, to great despair, etc...
All the speeches i have gotten that you will still live a "normal" life b/c of how good the medicines are today has not made me feel better. 
I hate myself for making the mistake 1 time in a random hook up of not using a condom and this is what happens.  =(   
I am also terrified that my dating life is done. 
I guess i could definitely use some support on here and definitely anyone in the NY area who could help me through this.  Thanks everyone!

[spacebarsux]

Hi Parker,

Sorry you tested poz.

Everything that you are feeling and describing right now is perfectly normal for someone who has just tested positive.

I tested poz a year ago and I can assure you that you sound like you’re in much better place than I was when I tested poz. I can also tell you that in time the neon HIV sign that you think is omnipresent will gradually dissolve away and you’ll start feeling normal again.

Testing poz is a shock and it may take a while to come to grips with it all. For now, I’d suggest you go easy on yourself. Do whatever it is that makes you feel relaxed. You’ve already crossed one hurdle of telling your best friends and family and set up a support system, which is great!

This is a great place for information and support.

Welcome to the forums.

Hugs 

Edit: Have you had a Western Blot test to confirm your poz status?

[Parker78]

HI space,

Thank you for your response and comments of encouragement.  Yes, my test was confirmed by the Western Blot test.

I like how you mention the "neon" sign b/c that is exactly how i feel right now.  Like i am walking around and ppl are pointing at me and saying, "he has HIV".   I know this isnt happening, but its just this strange "i don't fit in" feeling right now. =/

[spacebarsux]

I know how you feel buddy. We've all been there. Just allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel, without caring what others will think.

It's normal to feel the way you're feeling Parker, but do believe me that you'll be fine.

Go for walks, hang out with your friends, talk to your parents. In other words, do whatever it is that you think will make you feel good. Don't isolate yourself for long periods. Just a suggestion.

On the medical front, as you probably already know, you'd need to get your blood drawn and check your CD4 and VL levels.

Best

[Miss Philicia]

Hi Parker, welcome to the forums. Sorry you ended up having a + diagnosis though, but am happy that you turned for support from your family. You will appreciate that situation more in time.

If, by "NY area" you mean NYC and not state, you might want to check out this support group which I found to be a great resource when I lived there:

http://www.friendsindeed.org/

And there are a lot of poz guys in NYC that by no means does your dating life ever have to feel as if was "over"

[Parker78]

Thanks Miss!  You made my day! =)  I guess all this shock has me seeing this negative tunnel vision. lol

[jacken]

Parker, sorry to hear your dx. Let me add my support too. I tested poz almost a year ago (time flies). I am glad to hear that your parents and friends are very supportive. Once everything comes to terms, you should be fine.

Take care of yourself and follow up with doc appointments. There is still so much ahead. Poz or not, someone is out there for you.

[NY2011]

Hey,

I live in NYC too, and I felt the same as you.  I've been dealing with this since October 2011, and at first, I felt like I've gone f-ked up the rest of my life.  I would be riding the subway, looking around at others, and thinking to myself that all these people get to go on with their lives, and I get to be one of the walking dead...one hell of a price to pay for making a mistake. I would fbe thinking that I was so f-n jealous of those people on the train, because I used to be one of them: consumed with my career, making weekend plans, feeling good about myself. So, the thought of dating may not be so bad to put out of your mind for a little while,  so you can focus on other stuff that may be important to you: perhaps family, good friends, your health, or things that you enjy doing. Confidence in yourself, and knowing that you will get to that point again, is something that comes in time.  Before you know it, you will be confronted with the opportunity to date someone who you're comfortable about telling. Things are likely to go well, because I've noticed that attitudes have changed a lot.  And, you'll be back in the swing of things, and you will, once again, be that guy on the subway reading his phone, listening to music, planning for the weekend, and thinking about your future. 

[arlvarunner]

Hi all, 

I just found this site and figured i would introduce myself.  I'm 33 y/o and just found out on Monday that I am HIV positive. 
I immediately told my parents and 2 best friends as i needed immediate support.  While their support has been great, i still feel so alone.  I have such a range of emotions from anger, to embarrassment, to great despair, etc...
All the speeches i have gotten that you will still live a "normal" life b/c of how good the medicines are today has not made me feel better. 
I hate myself for making the mistake 1 time in a random hook up of not using a condom and this is what happens.  =(   
I am also terrified that my dating life is done. 
I guess i could definitely use some support on here and definitely anyone in the NY area who could help me through this.  Thanks everyone!

Hi, Parker. I'm sorry too for your diagnosis, but mark my words now: you will get through this. As someone who tested poz almost five years ago, the feelings and emotions you feel are still very fresh in my mind, because I felt every one of them too. You will never forget how it felt when you first got the news, but in a way that's a good thing. It will remind you of why you eventually became the person you are.

I was in a very dangerous place in my life when I got my diagnosis. I was unhappy with my life and it lead me to drinking too much and too often, neglecting my body, my friends, my family and my job. I was taking risks (including having unprotected sex with multiple partners). When I found out, I was devastated. I felt as if my life was literally over. I felt isolated from everyone around me, and I was angry at myself for being so careless. I got my diagnosis on a Wednesday, and I was scheduled to go to New York City for a family function the weekend following. I put on a brave face around my father and sister and never told anyone what I was going through.

I remember walking by myself in Midtown on Monday morning before I left to come back to DC and I came across a chain link fence surrounding a construction site. On that chain link fence were hundreds of square ceramic tiles that had been painted with names, drawings, and dedications to victims of September 11th. As I read the different tiles, I realized that each of them represented a life that was taken suddenly and without warning. The people who died in those buildings that day were never offered a second chance. I thought about my diagnosis, and I realized that while I had been thinking that my life was over, I had actually been offered that second chance to change things.  From that moment on, I vowed to take control of the situation, and to do everything in my power to make sure that HIV didn't define me. I began to eat healthier, exercise more regularly, drink less; overall, I became a healthier person despite the virus. Today, I feel as though had I not gotten HIV, I would probably have a tile somewhere dedicated to my memory.

As to your concern for your dating life, my partner and I began dating after my diagnosis, and in July we will celebrate five years together. You will find someone, and you will be happy.

I know it's been several days since you found out, and I hope that you have had an opportunity to overcome the shock. I just hope that you will remember that you have all the support you could possibly want here. We are all living with the same thing you are, and we are all here for you. If you need anything at all, all you have to do is ask.

Best,

AVR

[TexasPOZ]

Testing positive really sucks. I felt just like you do when I found out 4 years ago. But it gets better in time.