Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits > Mental Health & HIV

What should I be doing, with these people???


My friend moved in with me when I became sick in December. He was a great help to me and stayed with me during some rough times. He cared for me and I appreciate that. When he went to go home his family evicted him. Thinking he abandoned his father who is in his mid eighties. It is a long story he was not out as gay. His family is dysfunctional.
Well my friend has stayed with me. He does not work has no money and seems to be little to keep himself together. He does not function well in the world. His family now wants him to remove his belongings from his fathers home.
He lived with his father for his entire life some 45 years. He is also OCD so he has collected loads of stuff. I took him to the house weekly for a couple of months and we brought many things to my house. Now he has a time line to follow. His things will be disposed of soon.
In the mean time I had to move because I lost my house from recurring illness and not being able to work. I am working full time again but I feel like I should be doing more for him. I have taken him to a social work clinic he is recieving drugs, for depression and ocd. I take him to a therapist. Oh yeah he does not drive. Never has. I took him to a lawyer because his family is closeing him out of his fathers condition. He had no money and I have to pay for that. I pay all the bills, buy all the food. He is incapab le of even doing some regular chores.
I feel guilty, like I should rent a truck and get all his stuff. He mopes around the house complaining. I have raised four kids I feel like I have another. I keep trying to do the right thing. This is so hard. My sister says I am spending a lot of money and emotional energy for company. No we are not lovers and never have been. I do not like living alone, but I just feel miserable trying to handle all this shit.
I would like to have a boyfriend someday. Of course I am gay have four kids been divorced 10 years and have HIV. I have degrees am educated and managed to move to a nice no very nice townhouse quite upscale. I drive a paid for classic mercedes. I have few bills left and am catching up well. By the end of the summer I should be in good shape. People tell me I should have a partner that is more of my equal, as far as having a job, and some financial stability, and education. I feel gratitude to my friend and I feel he is my friend, but I do not like the emotional stress.
This is all driving me crazy. Help me someone give me some words of wisdom. I just want to feel good.
I am doing well as far as my health is concerned the doctor told me I  can take care of myself, I do not need a caregiver.

YIkes I am in a prediciment.

Andy Velez:
Hi Peter,

Although your thread could fit into other subject areas, I'm thinking this is a better place than "off topic."

There's no easy answer to this situation. I'm glad to read that you're recovering including financially. I think it's important that you not struggle along dealing with this situation all on your own. You haven't mentioned if you are seeing a therapist. If you aren't, I think it would be a good idea for you to get professional support in sorting things out.

As far as your friend is concerned, how would you feel and how do you think he would react if you told him that you don't want the living together situation to be openended. I'm only putting this out to discuss with you for your thoughts about it.

You're not your friends therapist or savior. It's actually more respectful of him to make an effort to discuss things with him as in "how can we best solve this situation."

Ultimately you will have to decide what is best for you. I know that's hard to do when you feel indebted to someone. Taking good care of yourself is finally what is best for all concerned although it is not easy to arrive at or to do.

The more you talk about where you are at the more likely you will get some clarity about the situation. And that's where you spending some time with a therapist could be very helpful.


Hi Peter:

I agree with Andy. Friendships are delicate and complex to say the least. A win-win situation can come out of this. But, you MUST communicate and Discuss.

Sit down and share your thoughts tactfully. Ask him how both of u as frens can hope to plan a resolve to the current situation. I'm sure he will appreciate the sincerity. We are not talking about asking him to leave yet, but to work out a compromise living condition with you till he finds his footing. It is true with such a long tenure of not working and being dependent on his father, it can wreak havoc to his system and lack of independance, but this is a good start as any.

Whilst you are away for work, he may perhaps chip in with the house chores. U mentioned he took care of u when u were sick, so he is not totally obsolete. Or it may be possible to even ask if he would like to have a garage sale of his unwanted items. Explain nicely that not everything can fit into one tiny house/apartment.

Emotional dysfunctionality, most of all times, are unconscious. You need to educate and constantly remind him gently that certain aspects bothers u and that it needs to  be noted. After a while, unless the person refuses to change and becomes a conscious decision to be dysfunctional that requires corrective actions, a good compromise situation can usually emerge.

Many things when advised, seems easier said than done; especially when one is about to undertake that advice, be it from your friends, therapist or church priest, the approach will feel akward. If what you intended to discuss and communicate were from the heart and free of any malice, even a 3 year old will sense the truth and welcome the dialogue. There is no reason for FEAR then to prevent you from opening your heart. Be patient and focus on finding a way and it will produce a way. Focussed energy always needs an outlet, usually into a positive outcome when handled carefully.

Good luck and Godspeed to a great resolution. ;)

Blessed Be!


Thnaks for your suggestions. I guess I am feeling taken advantage of. I feel like I am not getting my needs met. I feel like I am meeting the needs of others despite my own.
HIV has only exacerbated all of these feelings. It has complicated life even more.
I am trying to take it one day at a time and doing quite well at it. I feel that I am handeling things quite well. I just want to get more of my needs met. I want people to treat me with more respect and feeling. I feel that I give to others. I want someone to give to me.
I also realize my friend gives all that he can, or that he is capable of giving. It ends up being that I need to find somone that can relate to me better and help to met more of my needs. In addition to my friend. That ends up being a get out there and meet others thing. The most difficult thing to do when you are busy taking care of others needs.

When you are in it, it seems impossible not to assume responsibility for things not in your control. I know, been there... including the money although I have very little.

Sound like you already know the answer yourself, you want out, but feel responsible and guilty. I don't see why you will not be able to find a relationship again. This however is reducing the odds. Being alone is hard. Being lonely with someone is harder.

You should probably decide with yourself what your limitations are insofar as what you are willing to give, financially, emotionally. It is impossible that you stay stuck with this guy, and unlike your kids, he is not going to grow up anymore. I hope that you will be able to give him a sum of money to settle your conscious and send him on his way. It sounds harsh but I feel that it is not the fact that he appears to be a bum that bothers you so much as he is not the right person to share a life with. I really wish you luck.


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