Well Bless My Back Door

[Matty the Damned]

Dear Lesser Members of the Species,

True to his word, Matty the Damned had an appointment with the Almighty Frau Eva yesterday to discuss amongst other things, his blood pressure. She gave him medication for it and some free Valtrex for anal herpes.

And, seeing as it was a cold July day, she took the opportunity to look up my bunghole. Well, she and the medical student that was sitting in with her. A slightly bug eyed and diminuitive young Indian chap whose name I can't pronounce. So I've designated him Nervous Indian Student.

Now unlike many, Matty the Damned has no problems with having his pooper prodded by doctors and nurses. Considering that a sizeable proportion of the male population of Boolaboolabongbong and surrounding districts have examined his little treasure on numerous occasions it seems a bit precious to carry on when clinical types want to take a gander at it.

So I promptly dropped trou, assumed the position on the examination bed, presented my succulent flesh daisy and under Frau Eva's heavy browed and watchful eye, Nervous Indian Student donned latex gloves proceeded to make a hesitant examination. It went something like this:

NIS: Um, ok just relax.
MtD: Oh I'm relaxed honey.
NIS: -hesitates-
MtD: No need to be shy. Many have gone before you. Come on Fingers, get into it!
NIS: Um, great, ok um um. -prods lightly-
MtD: Good lord son, put some muscle into it! The fucker will stretch a mile before it tears an inch. Bigger things than your digits have been in there.
Eva: Ok, I think I might take over now.

Honestly, you wonder how they're ever meant to learn anything.

Shortly after this something strange happened. Something that has never happened in any medical appointment I've ever had.

Eva: So, have you had sex since last I saw you?
MtD: Yup. I've been fucking my friends partner.
Eva: Using protection?
MtD: What do you reckon?
Eva: Of course. We'll do a full STD screen. But I'm required by law to have a discussion with you about disclosure.
MtD: What?
Eva: Disclosure. Your obligations under the Public Health Act 1991.
MtD Fuck me dead, don't tell me you've bought into this bullshit as well . . .

That's right. Fucking disclosure. During a doctor's appointment. It's not enough that every second thread of the cretinous prattle that passes for debate in this place is about disclosure, now I'm copping it at my medical appointments. Not once in the 17 years that I've been going to STD clinics have I ever been asked about disclosure.

It turns out that since there's been a spate of prosecutions down here regarding failure to disclose, doctors now have to "have the chat" with their HIV positive clients. For legal reasons. It's utterly outrageous and I place the blame squarely on you people.

That's right, you lot.

Just because people are too drunk, stoned or just plain fucking dumb to insist that their partners use condoms is not a reason that the rest of us have to be subjected to this disclosure drivel on every possible occasion. Everywhere I go there's some fool chattering on about disclosure.

To quote Aunty Doxie, it's starting to get on my last gay nerve.

But enough with the angry rant. I should have my blood test and other results back sometime next week. Provided I've not dropped dead of a rage induced stroke.

MtD

[RapidRod]

I would have love to been there when you disclosed. ("Mark, Bill, Tim, oh Tim twice, John, Fred, oh I was with him three times. He's good. Tracy, and the mate I don't remember his name but I do his member.") 

[milker]

If you have any question about disclosure, do not hesitate to ask me

Milker.

[Bucko]

Darling-

Have damnation and depravity finally met their match? As terrible as things may be here occasionally, we do not yet have the bum squad.

Buckles
(Who is equally outraged)

[fearless]

I feel very sorry for poor little NIS. You're a shit stirrer, MtD, and I'm sure little NIS wondered what hit him. I wonder if NIS has now decided that medicine is not for him.

[Tempeboy]

So how's the blood pressure?  Did the procedure help with that?

 

[Jeffreyj]

Another Matty Classic. You gotta LOVE this guy!

How is the BP?

[camille07]

I do declare, you're posterior sounds superior!  The poor NIS didn't know what to think of this scoundrel matty the damned. 

But sir, you NEVER DISCLOSED YOUR BP!!!

[aztecan]

"Succulent flesh daisy"

LOVE IT!

I must remember that when next I am subjected to a NIS.

Now, disclose honey. What was that BP?

HUGS,

Mark

[GSOgymrat]

I think one encounter with your bum made NIS question his career and sexual orientation.

[RapidRod]

Now we all know Matty was laughing his ass off going out the door. Picking on that new intern like that. Matty, you should have let him get to know first. Two fingers up your bum is in no way getting to know you.

[Queen Tokelove]

I'm sure you flirting with NIS definitely made for good conversation with him telling his own version of your appointment. And how dare Frau give you the disclosure chat, now that just sucks. Now, how would ya like a little Queen in ya?  

[Dachshund]

                       OVERHEARD IN THE EXAMINATION ROOM


NIS: What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?

Matty: I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk.
Get you love drunk off my hump.

Frau Eva: His hump, his hump, his hump, his hump, his hump,
his hump, his hump, his hump, his lovely little lumps. (check it out)

[Robert]

was NIS the same guy they picked up at the airport, trying to flee the country? 

robert

[camille07]

was NIS the same guy they picked up at the airport, trying to flee the country? 

LMAO 

[Christine]

hee..hee....messing with medical students. Always fun. Makes the appointments go faster.

I am glad you went to see Frau Eva about the blood pressure. Sending you good thoughts that the bp drops, and drops...

Christine

[Matty the Damned]

My BP results?

Oh they were atrocious. We finally settled on a result of 190/120 and the Frau made threatening references to hospital. I uttered profane refusals, she issued me with some stop gap medication to reduce the immediate risk of stroke and flicked the matter back to my GP, Lady Jane for a more considered review.

NIS just sorta sat in the background looking vaguely ill.

MtD

[scud44]

Anoter gem, Matty.
I can well imagine that the NIS has given up any medical prospects and has moved on to that other popular vocation for Indian medicos - Terrorism!

All the best from a bit further south - Hobart

Regards
Scud44

[Ronald1958]

   hehehehehe very funny!  You are sooooooooooooooooo funny - even when you get aggravated!!  Hope everything works out with you!

Ron

[lucas clay]

B.P. for me is a tricky thing, up and down. high and normal.
Hope you get yours down more in the normal range.

                                                     Lucas

[BT65]

Gotta love MtD.  You always bring a smile to my face, my friend.  I sure hope your bp comes down and soon!  Please let us know how that's going.  My bp is always on the low side (80/50..).
Betty

[Queen Tokelove]

But how is your tushy?

[RapidRod]

Queenie, two little fingers didn't phase Matty dearest. It wasn't even a good tease for him. 

[Nadine]

Queenie, two little fingers didn't phase Matty dearest. It wasn't even a good tease for him. 

 

[Ann]

Here on the Rock, there is a band called "Back Door Slam" and I think of them everytime I see the title of this thread. Oh dear.

Maybe I'll send you their CD and you can pass it on to NIS to remember you by always.

Ann

[thunter34]

Maybe I'll send you their CD and you can pass it on to NIS to remember you by always.

I'll bet he'll remember him always anyway.

[tigger2376]

For some strange reason this reminded me of the poems 'CATS' is based on...probably because of the mystery cat...but in this case 'MyCavity'....sorry, that really did just pop into my head.
And if the students can't take it,they shouldn't be in the job! (but please, no more foreign doctors in UK please, we'!re having a little local difficulty!)
And that is NOT intended to be offensive to vast majority of hard working dedicated medics EVERYWHERE, just English humour trying to deal with the situation 

[Sky]

 
MtD you are the best!!!  Love ya babe!  I am very sorry to hear about your rear though, but you're a trooper so I know you're ok 

[Nico]

Matty,
You brave soul!  Legs high in the air - defying gravity.  Yet, ye who yonder the regions of Matty's "out back", beckons from within...a small faint voice..."pull me out"!    I am sure the NIS was trying to grab the rope.

Hugs and helium heels!
Rog 

[RapidRod]

Who started this, "Those that cure you will kill you?" Hell that's nothing new, I thought we all knew that. I think that saying goes for all groups. NO Profiling please. 

Matty, how's the B/P doing on meds?

[Basquo]

Dear Lesser Members of the Species,

Funny story, and I hope the blood pressure gets fixed. Is your salutation a quote from a book or film?

[Florida69]

LMAOF......



[attachment deleted by admin]

[david25luvit]

Talk about being a fly on the wall....What I wouldn't have given to see that little examination

As for disclosure, Matty.....did they ask for names, dates
and sexual proclivities of your anal groupies???

Just curious..............

[thirtysomething]

I can well imagine that the NIS has given up any medical prospects and has moved on to that other popular vocation for Indian medicos - Terrorism!

This is not funny at all ! Please don't make generalized statement. My first ex is an Indian (so am I) and a doctor and he is out there saving lives of guys like you!

[tigger2376]

I'm sorrry OFFS get a sense of humour! OK, you have the right to express your opinion but PLEASE, take this thread how its meant, with irony....Sorry just POTF with people who cant cope with the 'twisted' method of coping with this. I dont offend deliberately but for Fs sake, no harm or offense was meant..........

[newbernswiss]

I'm speechless....but loved it...

[Lisa]

I have been LMOA from the first post of this thread. My sides hurt so bad! Oh shit!
If it helps you my demon friend, I was found to be criminally hypertensive at my last review as well.
Does the equation of 210/106 mean anything to you? Tee Heeeeee........
I had a "pap smear" on the 25th of June, by Rachel, and am sad to report that I hollered HEY! HEY! HEY! ..loudly three times as she continued to jack the aperture of the speculum........... loudly claiming all  the while, that my "cervix was hiding"!! HAH..and HAH again.
My perfectly regrown hymen was ruined. Alas I am worth nothing on the open market.
Bless my cherry....it has been fouled again.......Damn the nine years of chastity.

[Ann]

I had a "pap smear" on the 25th of June, by Rachel, and am sad to report that I hollered HEY! HEY! HEY! ..loudly three times as she continued to jack the aperture of the speculum........... loudly claiming all  the while, that my "cervix was hiding"!! HAH..and HAH again.

hehehe.... at least you limited yourself to a polite "hey"! eh? The last time I was faced with a ratcheting speculum I shouted something more along the lines of "OW! WTFFFFF!!!!!" Damn they get carried away with that thing! I'm sure I saw a speculum in the Tower of London's dungeon display. Sheesh!

Ann
(who has empathy for Lisa's now-tattered hymen)

[aztecan]

Well Lisa, I think I have you beat. I know I had sex right after Clinton was elected the first time. I think that was the last time anybody has dallied in my valley.

So, that means its been WAY too many years. I regrew my cherry, for all the good it did. Now, unlike MtD's "flesh daisy," I have a condemned label - and the cherry has mysteriously turned into a prune?!?

And people wonder why I get excited at the thought of an anal pap smear. 


HUGS,

Mark

[MoltenStorm]

And how are the butt flowers, MtD? Shall we be giving 1-800-Flowers a little competition any time soon?

(Hilarious story, btw)

[Matty the Damned]

Well the whore's blossoms had healed by the time Frau Eva and NIS had the singular honour of looking Matty the Damned squarely in his brown eye.

The Frau loaded me up with 10 free Valtrex tabs and took an HSV antibody test. I'm told that even if I'm antibody negative I may still have herpes. I'm pretty sure it is herpes. I've had just about every other STD known to man and beast (and probably a few that haven't been discovered yet) so it seems appropriate.

MtD

[Tempeboy]

Your poor little chocolate starfish!  He must live in fear, or is he the undoing of MTD?

 

[aupointillimite]

Matty, I have an idea that your own personal LPT port is much like the briefcase in Pulp Fiction.  A mysterious golden light must shine when people open it.

At least, that's how I'm imagining your appointment... Frau Eva and NIS gazing at your butt with this heavenly light shining upon them as they gaze upon your plumbing with awe and wonder.  That makes me happy.

[Jeffreyj]

I personally can't wait until MtD goes to another DR appointment.