Attempting to live on my own... I guess???

[delilah07]

I asked my spouse to leave. I feel so confused, lied to, humiliated, hateful, and dislike myself for this. He wants to be in control and I really hate how I feel with him. I'm not a good woman as he has told me. I had relationships before him and I came from an abused family. I was molested, beaten and accused of things so my Dad didn't find out what my mom had been up too. Then my Dad complained to me about my mom when she was cheating.
I am over this. The reason why I had mentioned it here is that my spouse had used this as a way to decide how to treat me. He would use this as a reason to prove I am incapable of a healthy thinking process. It made me angry and every day I tried to prove otherwise. Nothing I did worked. I am not talented to entertain or mystify anyone. Yet, he told me that anyone could do what I do for him. I looked back at what I did over the eleven years and I cooked, cleaned, and not much else. I did attend school and completed CAN training.
His family wasn't so good either; but very close in ways that involved trouble and drama. So in a way I am just honest about myself. I had to be as meeting a man with HIV was important and he told me some things. I also had so many thoughts scattered through my head that I could not think straight. I asked my spouse to leave tonight and all of a sudden I like myself. I'm sad although my mind is relieved.
I also am trying not to feel sorry for him. He insists that I need help and honestly all I see is he does well with me then when he's on his own he calls needing help. Right now I will be working with energy assistance to live. I have no problem with this especially since my 18 year old daughter can understand that we need to save money.
The problem is my spouse puts so much concern onto me that I am not wanting to deal with it anymore. I clean, cook, and have worked. I start a new job Monday. I quit working as a CNA due to Scoliosis, Vertigo-at times lasting up to two weeks, HIV - the easiest to deal with, and as I found out a few days ago Periodontal Disease. Yes, I am in mess in a way. Except I am sure I can handle it. The only thing I need to be aware of is that since I told my spouse to leave that the apartment has the right to reevaluate my income to determine if I can live here and pay rent. It is 2.5 times the amount rent which is $1320.00. Once I start this new job I will make near two times the amount rent. So hopefully this is enough. SO I need support in ways of how to keep my current apartment. Other than that I am able to live. I am also in the middle of a nine month lease. Which they have the right to collect on even if I do not meet the income requirements any longer.
I asked my spouse to leave as me had convinced me to take his side and know that people are bad and will take advantage of me. Only to see him making friends and pushing me aside. I became hateful to the point I was impatient with my daughter. I want to love myself and I am unable to do this with him.
Honestly, I want to support my daughter and I. I want to be alone due to healing my mind. He's been gone some hours and it's been so quiet, peaceful, and I'm actually happy. He always reminded me of  why I am not normal like other women. He's gone and I now feel no difference between me or anyone else nor do I care.
I plan to add up my bills to plan my living expenses. I also have my daughter's doctor appointment about her tonsils. Like I said she's an adult; but I don't want her to have this appointment alone.
In a way the tough part is continuing with things began while he was here. On the bright side I'd rather be confident that I am not a bad woman due to being abused in my childhood. I have become a mean person due to this relationship.
I need my time alone for some time. Tonight I am going to take a bath, read a book, and I hope I sleep well.
I hope everyone is doing fine. I hope everyone's health is good. And Happy New Year.

[greatwich]

I am sorry you are going through this. How are you now? Are you in a better state? Good luck to you and may God bless you.

[delilah07]

I am sorry you are going through this. How are you now? Are you in a better state? Good luck to you and may God bless you.

I'm doing better. My spouse said he brought up things to get me to go to a therapist. Which I ended up doing.
I have worked on forgiveness as part of a way to not let hate consume me. I don't want to be angry all the time.
Now I just speak with people I used to be angry at. It os kind of weird to explain other than not everything is always perfect. I realized that in hearing their issues and being able to say to myself that I never knew they even had obstacles.
Things are improving. But I still have some work to do. Like finding a new job.