I'm POZ, he's not

[puch]

In October 2015, I was I was diagnosed HIV Positive.  Not what I expected at 45 years old.  Taking Stribild since February 2016 and undetectable.

I've endured the past two years feeling sick that my past had come back to haunt me and hurt the person that I care so much about.  I still havn't cried about this because I don't feel like I have a right to cry, I brought this too us.

My gut told me that even though we had unprotected sex for the 7 years that we've been together that he was Negative, maybe wishful thinking.  He stuck with me from diagnosis and the yuck I was feeling for several weeks due to the meds.  He even brings me my pill every night at dinner.   

No one knows that I'm Positive but my Husband and our doctors.  I'm in the dammed HIV closet.

My husband and I have been through a lot this year.  We bought a home, he had a heart attack at 38 and his dad died.  We should be able to get through anything..

My husband did not get tested right away.  He waited for two years, almost to the day after my diagnosis to be tested.  We found out on Friday that he is Negative per a blood test at our doctor.  I and the doctor both very happy that he is Negative. 

Now I'm in a a strange place.  I'm glad that he is Negative but I'm not sure where we go from here.  I feel like he now see's me as dirty.  Why? Because he said well now you have to be "clean". Meaning, there's no way you are Positive. I know he still loves me but he has changed already. 

Of course he now has a theory that my diagnosis was wrong.  I know that this scenario is totally possible but Highly unlikely.  I was tested in 2015 and it was confirmed.   

Is anyone else going through this?  If so, what have you and your partner done to figure out how to keep moving when one is Positive and the other isn't.   

Thanks.

[kentfrat1783]

Hi,

I don't think I have much room to talk as I was just Dx'd in May and a month later my partner learned he was positive as well.  The timeline seems off but that is for another story.

Is it possible you are thinking too much into this?  Only reason I say that is you said you were Dx'd 2 years ago, he brings you the Rx's, just bought a house and dealt with a lot of other issues in the past year.  Could it possibly be that you are about to burst with emotion and just don't know how to do it? 

The reason I say that is you said you haven't been able to cry and don't think you deserve to cry.  (Yes you do)  I'm the same way...I haven't cried over my Dx yet and I do need too (also over other issues from the April prior).  I even took a week long vacation by myself in August and hoped I would break down but didn't. 

My only advice would be to talk to your Husband about what you are feeling and for him to be honest to you as well.  I know I can take things out of context very easily, dwell on it and turn it into something it isn't.  Usually after a few weeks I wake up and realize how I was thinking wasn't right and I get better.

I'm here if you need someone to talk too or even just vent.  Hope things improve and keep us updated.  We are all here for you.

Kenneth

[bocker3]

I tested positive shortly after my (now) husband and I celebrated 15 years together.  He remains negative.  We talked alot after my diagnosis and managed to get through many issues by doing this. 

What strikes me from your message is that you seem to be relaying what YOU THINK that HE FEELS about you.  I honestly believe that many relationships end because instead of talking with each other - people tend to hold two-sided conversations in their head.  They have things to say and they "know" what the other will say.  This almost always spirals into increasing negativity and makes it even harder to actually talk.  All this finally leads to a parting.

My advice -- TALK TO HIM!!  Be open, honest with him.  Tell him your thoughts, your fears, and ask him about his.  If all this leads to an ending, so be it -- at least it was done with truth and surety.  Though, I suspect it won't end like that -- it's amazing how differently others act when we actually give them an opportunity to talk to us vs. having that conversation inside our heads.

BTW -- my husband and I celebrated 27 years together this past August - so, I'm speaking from experience when I say that actually talking is the key to staying together.  Had I done what I always did (i.e. have those conversations in my head), we wouldn't have made it to year 3!

Good luck!
Mike

[PozLawyer]

Of course he now has a theory that my diagnosis was wrong.  I know that this scenario is totally possible but Highly unlikely.  I was tested in 2015 and it was confirmed.   

Is anyone else going through this?  If so, what have you and your partner done to figure out how to keep moving when one is Positive and the other isn't.   

Thanks.

Just wondering how “possible” that could really be? I assume they did VL testing at diagnosis and throughout your treatment? If it was confirmed with viral load then I cannot imagine any way the initial diagnosis could be wrong.

[mecch]

If your partner has wishful thinking about your being HIV negative, why not just show him a recent test which will show him that you have HIV antibodies.

Clean and dirty are unfortunate terms.  I think some cultures use them more than others.  No HIV+ person likes to hear "clean" used to refer to HIV negative people. 

On that point, i would tell the person using it, to be more sensitive, since you are not "dirty".

And finally if any of your fears, lord help us, turn out to be true, (I hope not), and he can't get over you being "dirty" or he can't accept you for being HIV+, or he can't accept being in a sero-discordant relationship, it is HIS problem.  Then you would have to coldly figure out how to fix that toxicity, or leave.

[CaveyUK]

Is anyone else going through this?  If so, what have you and your partner done to figure out how to keep moving when one is Positive and the other isn't.   

My long term gf is negative.

She has been wonderfully supportive, and has learnt as much as she can about the condition. If anything, HIV has brought us closer together and our sex life now is stellar compared to pre-diagnosis (it was already good then).

Her mother has had mobility issues since she was in her 40s due to rheumatoid arthritis and she is absolutely convinced that she will go the same way and she seems far more concerned with how I will cope with that and how I will feel about her - should it ever arise - than she is about me being having HIV.

We don't talk openly (with others) about HIV, but it's not a case of bottling up anything or carrying around a dirty secret, it's because it's nobodies business and we equally wouldn't talk about a myriad of other things we do or conditions we may have - many far more mundane.

There are a huge number of HIV+ folk who are in mixed status relationships. In 2017, with the treatments that exist and the outlook for most, there is no reason for HIV to even be a key factor between two people who love each other.

I suspect much of your concern is down to your own paranoia and self-stigma. If, for some reason, it isn't and it doesn't work out then you would need to move on for your own sanity. But I would say that to any friend in relationship issues, independently to HIV.

[puch]

Thank you all for your comments.  I need to get over my own denial of my status.   

We have an appointment with my ID doctor soon, my husbands idea.   He doesn't understand HIV+ but undetectable. My VL was 5,000 at dx and undetectable after 6  months on Stribild. I show him the labs each time, every six months so he can see how it's going. The doctor should be able to help explain all of this better to him than I seem to be able to.

I'm not sure how to reassure him I didn't cheat on him.  I explained that I must have had this before we got together and didn't know it.  I abstained from sex for a couple of years before we met and I'm not able to pinpoint when this happened . We work through it I'm sure.

Talking to each other and arming ourselves with accurate information with get us through. We're not breaking up; till death do us part.  I have the best husband in the world!!