A long read but very funny..

[leese43]

A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest...
 The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
 
 loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

[skeebo1969]

  I knew he was going to use it on himself!  I just knew it!!  Oh man, I got tears in my eyes....too funny!

  Thx!

[leatherman]

I knew he was going to use it on himself!

of course, he did LOL
I would have done the same thing, don't tell me that you wouldn't have  

See this 9-volt battery? put you tongue on it, it won't hurt. I swear. ROFLMAO
(can you tell I was oldest of 3 boys?)

[leese43]

It was actually entitled.. "only a man would do this" but i didn't want to offend! lol

[skeebo1969]

It was actually entitled.. "only a man would do this" but i didn't want to offend! lol

Well that was nice of you, but most guys will certainly admit to this....  and proudly so I might add, right leatherman?   I just want to add that pepper spray works pretty good too, I sprayed myself with my ex-wife's bottle.  You almost get a slight high from the difficulty in breathing pepper spray causes...  and the burning sensation last a lot longer than I ever imagined...  Her pomeranian thought so too.

[leatherman]

and the burning sensation last a lot longer than I ever imagined

ROFLMAO yes it sure does!
but none of these actions are from stupidity, they are all "experiments" to see if these items actually work as advertised. 

[skeebo1969]

ROFLMAO yes it sure does!
but none of these actions are from stupidity, they are all "experiments" to see if these items actually work as advertised. 

LMAO, yes I was always one of those who thought, "this couldn't possibly do what they say it does", only to find out that it really does.

[minismom]

A friend of my brother's (think artsy / musical type) got a sound activated shock collar for his yappy dog in an attempt to get it to stop barking.  He decided to try it out on himself to make sure it "wouldn't hurt too bad".  So, he put it on, whispered a pitiful bark and got the heebies shocked out of himself.  So, what does he do?  What any normal person being shocked in the neck would do - he screamed.  ZAP!  AAAAAAA!  ZAP!  AAAAAAA!  ZAP!   

Never claimed my brother had smart friends.

[rondrond]

I showed this to my little sister and she peed her pants. 

[leatherman]

I know it's terrible of me, but I love stories like these 

I helped my middle brother set up his invisible dog fence years ago. As I mentioned being the older brother, I (of course trying to do nothing but help) suggested he try the collar and see what it felt like for the dog. (don't you think after all these years he would have learned to NOT listen to me? ) But it surely wasn't my fault that he tried it as I was still reading the instructions (why oh why am I the only one to ever read the instructions first for any new device and gadget? ) and the intensity was set to the highest setting.

To be honest, you would think both of my brothers would have learned a valuable lesson when I conned us all into peeing on the electrified fence when we were all just kids. I learned! Well sorta.

[leese43]

Great stories guys...i'm crying with laughter here.