Lwoods New Hobby...

[Lwood]

several years ago, my EX did a very well deserved stretch in Texas State Pen for DUI #4 and Hit And run ( no injuries luckily)  and we stayed in touch through some really interisting letters, I had alot of fun sending him stuff from Amazon.com ( which he probablly traded for who knows what ) and later set up a dummy Company so that I could mail him books and magazines directly ( prison rules : all packages must come from a company, nothing from an individual is allowed)   Enter  "LWoods Rare Books and Comics" we specialize is Sci Fi and Horror.  I even had custom Letterhead and ofcourse printed mailing envelopes.  Lwoods also was known to send on the occasional copy of various Gay publications with the cover cleverly replaced with People Magazine ( another prison reg, no Gay Magazines like Instinct)
As a thankyou of sorts, he one had one of his new buddies , a real charmer by the Name of Elmer Wayne Henley, send me a nice letter, which I keep in between my copies of Silence Of The Lambs and Hannibal. Beautiful handwriting by the way.

Anyway, I was making some Holiday calls yesterday and decided to give the EX a ring, and assuming that he'd be at his parents house I called only to find that he's once again visiting one of Texas' finest Gated communities.  This will be good.  Not only is Lwoods Rare Books back in business, but so is the Lawfirm of 'Dong, Wang and Ho'  as well as the firm of ' Dewy, Fukkem and Howe'  ( say that aloud) Letter writing is such a lost art in the Electronic age, and I can hardly wait to send off the first one . I did some notable pieces of work during his last sentence : he complained that they had cut the Toilet Paper ration down so I wrote a series of letters on various forms of tissue, nicely decorated with drawings of puppies and ducks.. I kept him vividly updated on my sex life, once outlining my 'package ' on the back of a letter as a visual reminder of better times,  I printed out a full size photo of a beer so he could decorate the cell, and sent him various tattoo photos so he could decorate himself ( really, he came out with half a dozen prison tattoos.. isnt that nice ?)  I stopped sending pictures of myself when he told me that his cellmate once jerked off to one. {{sigh}}

In any event, this gives me practically endless material for Blogs and Vids, afterall, who doesnt want a prison Pen Pal ?? Im hoping that He'll send me the recipe for Jailhouse Wine that he promised me last time.

Does anybody have any ideas on stuff I can send to keep things interisting Im thinking that a satellite Photo of the prison would be a nice start along with a nice shot of Key West as a kind of "Im here Youre There" thing... (Google Earth is sweet )

Lwood
CEO, Lwoods Rare Books and Satellite Imagery

[Cliff]

Do you hate the guy?  Why do all of that?

[Lwood]

Hate isnt qute the word, Im not sure if there is an English word.  Perhaps something in Arabic that causes one to cough up phlegm as you pronounce it would be closer. The Italians have several expressions that work pretty well too, like the one thats paired with the gesture of scraping the back of your teeth with your thumb as you say it. 
Just to put it in perspective, when I told him that I had AIDS ( the first person aside from my BF that I had ever disclosed to )  his reply was " Well, you didnt get it from ME  Buddy"  he also once casually mentioned  " ...at Least I still Have All of MY T Cells"   not that Im easily offended but once when I had to work New Years Day   I started a crock pot of Fresh Black Eyed Peas, complete with a Ham bone left from a Honey Baked Ham in the morning before I left for work, Aparently he decided to celebrate New Years Day with some of his Pot Head buddies ( which , when later compared to his later Meth Head Buddies really werent that bad )  and at some point I guess they decided that something sure smelled mighty tasty.. anyway to make a long story short I came home (after a 12 hour shift by the way) not only to find 1) the Crock pot completely empty, licked clean by the dog, but the Ham Bone  no where in sight, undoubtedly thrown in as an Post Crock Pot Licking Treat  2)all the beer gone and as a chaser,
3) my Christmas Bottle of Crown Royal, oh and the flanel bag too,  and as a final insult to Injury 4) a nice fresh pile of dogshit in the middle of the floor. No one was in sight, aparently they decided it was time to go score another Ounce, probablly to be stored in the Crown Royal Bag. Frankly, I can forgive his little AIDS jokes But Ill take a hatred of him for chowing my New years Peas to the Grave.

[Strayboy74]

I used to have an aunt... okay, she wasn't my aunt, but she was a friend's aunt, who decided that it would be a great idea to mail me underwear every holiday.  (She took a liking to me - probably felt sorry that my mom died when I was nine - but that's her issue, not mine)

Anyway, I used to send her thank you notes in various forms.  Once I learned that the Post Office would accept any receptacle for mailing, I began mailing thank you notes inside of plastic fish, and once a bona-fide turtle shell.  Eventually, as the packages got stranger and stranger, she stopped mailing the underwear.

I wonder where she is now.

hrm.

[Tucsonwoody]

Lwood - its great you are still able to keep a sense of humor and help out your ex (I think)  guess thats why it's so good to have you around here!

Strayboy - you mean everyone doesn't send turtleshells - dang no wonder I don't get any return mail from anyone - guess I will switch to plastic fish and see what happens

[Lwood]

Ive had my share of fun with the post office's policy of delivering odd packages. I recently mailed a friend that was having a rodent problem, a rat trap. the guy at the post office acted like he mailed rat traps every day. I've also seen coconuts with mailing labels attached at various gift shops and even a pair of sandalls, although they had separate labels. Unfortunately none of that stuff can be delivered to a state Lockup. Cologne however is always a fun additive. Im thinking of going with either Prada or Versace for the next letter. ( Im not going to buy the crap, but Im not above taking the envelope with me to Macys and saturating it with the Sampler.... Im just cool like that )

[aztecan]

Lwood,

Honey, you needn't have said anything more after you admitted he was from Texas!

We, here in New Mexico, know what they're like. 

Since he was a meth head, have you thought of sending him advertisements for teeth-whitening products?

HUGGLES,

Mark

[bear60]

Quote Mark: "Since he was a meth head, have you thought of sending him advertisements for teeth-whitening products? "
Or...advertisemnts for dental implants for when his teeth fall out.