POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: young89 on February 01, 2014, 07:07:28 pm
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It really hurts. :'(
Like, I have never had trouble finding a man.
But the very few times, that I open myself up to someone who is really pursuing me and tell them about my status... Pow they disappear like Casper the ghost.
As if they weren't hounding me just a second ago.
I understand, because a year ago If someone would have disclosed to me, I would have let them down gently. Now that I'm on the other side, I feel the knife of rejection cut quick and deep.For the guys who do disappear... I always wonder if their telling all their friends about me . Spreading my personal "secret " so no one else is unaware, instead of letting me tell.
I can see how people become bitter.
Well I just wanted to vent,
God is good and the truth will always set you free, no matter how hard it is to tell it.
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That's why I offer to disclose right away. Weeds out the jerks before you have the chance to get attached.
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It hurts but I congratulate you on not taking the supposed easy path of pretense .So you are going through a period off frog Kissing , the point is when a emotionally adult male and you meet up , well lucky you.
As to what people say or don,t its not a bad discipline living your life as if the whole community knows about it.
For part off the year I live on an island off 650 people , and what we say is what people don,t find out they will make up.The important thing is to remain true to yourself, it can hurt but not as much as going against your principles.
All the best this too I should think will pass and when it does make sure you cheer up us LTS by posting.
m
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Good morning...An interesting situation that we all face at some point. I have not yet because I am not back out in the market....So this interests me and I have a question....When do you tell them? After a month of dating and getting to know them?? After they buy you a drink in a club and they try to kiss you? Do you disclose before ANY intimate act or wait until you are wanting to share an act that actually transmits HIV. Sorry to hear this is becoming a hurtful situation for you...Madison
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I always tell them in the second line of conversation, along with" so I'm going to the toilet now so you can run away if you want to"
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Eventually this won't hurt you.
Eventually you will also get better at it.
Also you yourself just a short time ago wouldn't have considered dating an HIV+ person. I do believe that there are energies or synapses at least, that need to rewire in such a case - as i said, when you are FULLY ok being sexual and HIV+, then you won't get as many rejections and also the ones you get, won't hurt.
Remember, these people have a right to their choice to avoid HIV+ partners. However, makes one wonder how long before another "deal breaker" would have had them running away. I really don't think people like this will be so lucky in love. I dunno. You know when I was in my 20's in the 80's I came up to this issue being HIV neg and meeting HIV+ people and it wasn't a "deal breaker". To each his own, I suppose.
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Like they say in other situations : it gets better, hang on there. :)
There will be a wide variety of reaction you'll encounter when you disclose your status to guys you go on dates with, from rude rejection to complete acceptance.
I remember that guy who started talking to me at a bar and didn't believe I was positive after I told him. He thought I was telling him this as a rebuttal to his advances lol I went to the bathroom (because I had to, not because I was giving him the time to leave), and when I came back, he was gone. Oh well.
Then there was this other guy once, whom I told him on our first date. The evening was perfect. He was perfect. His reaction was perfect. And we're getting married this Fall. ;)
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Then there was this other guy once, whom I told him on our first date. The evening was perfect. He was perfect. His reaction was perfect. And we're getting married this Fall. ;)
Sweeeet. Congratulations! :)
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Sweeeet. Congratulations! :)
Thank you! :)
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Reading the different responses on the post gives me hope. I'm a single female with no kids been positive for 13 years and now I'm ready to get out and start fresh. I have told two guys and they both say they will be there but there gone. Rejection is hard so I gave up but I'm ready to try again. I'm new to the forums and decided to join because I need the support. Thanks for giving me hope that there is a chance for me.
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I recently listened to an economic story on NPR's "Planet Money" about love and dating. The lead story was about a woman that took a very 'rational' rather than an emotional approach to dating. She went on 50+ dates in a year or so and very quickly ruled out guys to free herself up for the next one. I wonder how it might be of interest, as she and others wanted to not "waste time" with bad matches and got the deal breakers out fast.
Here is the link if you are interested:
http://www.npr.org/blogs/money/2014/01/29/268422490/episode-513-dear-economist-i-need-a-date (http://www.npr.org/blogs/money/2014/01/29/268422490/episode-513-dear-economist-i-need-a-date)
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I disclose very early and on my online profiles. It's hard to deal with the rejection, but I'd rather get it over with if it's going to happen.
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When do you tell them? After a month of dating and getting to know them?? After they buy you a drink in a club and they try to kiss you? Do you disclose before ANY intimate act or wait until you are wanting to share an act that actually transmits HIV...Madison
I have the same concern than you Madison, I recently found out about my status and after reading about disclosure I am a bit paranoid. I feel like I am been witch hunted. Guys going to jail for decades for spitting, insane, I feel like not going out my house nonetheless dating again... but let's say i do get myself out there, do i have to tell them right away even if is just a one time encounter? what about when you hire an escort? do you tell them only if is serious...BUT even if you tell them and they say the are OK and the sign a disclaimer you can still be persecuted under the law if they accuse you and go to jail...so wot to do? i feel like a criminal without having done anything. I feel like I have to be very careful around everyone including my family...I know I am probably been paranoid but the idea of going to jail for nothing is very present in my mind...wonder if I have a valid concern or if is just the meds giving me a sense of persecution...LOL
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First, you have to learn what are the laws in the jurisdiction you live in, as the laws regarding HIV might be different from states to states, provinces to provinces, countries to countries, etc. Also keep in mind that laws can also change in time.
Then, at least for me, you have to act the way you'd want people to act with you. Would you have preferred someone to tell you their knowledge of their HIV status for a one-time hook-up, with or without protection? For a date that's not going well? For a love at first sight moment?
Situations are all different, so there's not one single answer that applies in terms of disclosing or not disclosing. In all cases, there can be different reactions, because every individuals you'd be dealing/talking/sleeping/etc. with are different too. Rejection happens, so does indifference, acceptance, etc.
C'est la vie.
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Reading the different responses on the post gives me hope. I'm a single female with no kids been positive for 13 years and now I'm ready to get out and start fresh. I have told two guys and they both say they will be there but there gone. Rejection is hard so I gave up but I'm ready to try again. I'm new to the forums and decided to join because I need the support. Thanks for giving me hope that there is a chance for me.
It's not a question of chance or luck, Cerise. We're all good people regardless of HIV and we deserve love as much as any other person out there. :D
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Welcome Cerise!
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Thanks!!
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As we go through life we get rejections and acceptances for all sorts of reasons.
However one empowering tactic when discussing antibody status is to start the conversation with "What do you know about HIV?" or "Would you ever date someone with HIV", rather than "I have HIV".
In one fell swoop they are in a situation where their feelings, knowlege etc is the centre of attention, and we all love a bit of attention and having emotions acknowleged. Depending on their answers, you get to accept or reject them rather than being passive in the face of stigma.