I just tested positive 2 weeks ago...

[redbull]

My story is so long and complicated but after finding out my best friend was positive and in the hospital with pheumonia about 2 months ago,  I go to the doctor and get tested because I had not been tested in so long!  And there it was at the top of the paper....Positive. 

My heart sank and I still havent come to grips with it yet....I feel like I am living a nightmare and I will wake up any second.  I have been to ID and my blood results arent back yet.  They said I am in excellent shape and look really healthy but we'll see.

I have 2 best friends I have told and I have told my partner that I amin a LDR with.  We have been together for almost 5 years.  Neither of us were tested for about 2 years before we met and had not been tested while we were together.  We are in a monogamous relationship so I am not sure who got it when and gave it who. 

I contacted the 2-3 guys I was with after my last test and before I met my bf and told them...they are both negative, so I am thinking my bf already had it and didnt know, or got it while we were supposed to be monogamous.  He swears thats not the case.  At this point I dont even think about that anymore.  I just want to take care of myself.  He still hasnt gotten tested to be sure yet. 

I have begged him and he say hes going but as far as I know he still hasnt.  Its driving me crazy!!  And to top it all off, Iused to be married to a woman,  I have 3 kids!!  20 yr old son, 18 yr old daughter and a 9 yr old son.  I cant tell them or my family right now, I just dont think they can handle all that right now.

My bf says he doesnt care what his results are he loves me and wants to be with me regardless that I have it.  I know ultiimately its my fault...I should have protected myself, I cant blame anyone but myself when it comes down to it.  I feel like such a failure,  if my family or kids find out they will be devastated.

I have been feeling so down, sluggish and so tired lately.  Having alot of chest pain and stomach discomfort.  I think I may have acid reflux, hell if I know.

I get pretty depressed off and on throughout the day.  I know I have my bf in my life but he is 2 hours away.  I feel alone alot.  I contacted a support/volunteer group here in town and will call them back to see if I can get involved.  I feel like it might help me if I can help others that have this disease of ours, ya know.

I dont know why I am writing all of this to you guys other than I am really scared.  I dont want to put my family or children through all of this...I just cant right now, but its so much to handle and try to keep all under wraps...it drives me insane already.  I am scared.

[Tar Heel]

The only advise I have for you is to relax- it's not a death sentence and to be honest with people. Iif they can't handle that, it's their problem.  I'd wait and tell my kids when the time is right... and you'll know when the time is right.

[webontheweb]

chin up, man, replied to you privately, but you will be okay,  if it is in print it must be true!
be well, check your private mail for a message from me
cheers,

[redbull]

hey man, I got a copy of your pm in my email, but it wont let me respond to it and I dont understand this site...it wont let me view any personal messages, what am I doing wrong?  I dont get it?  I would like to talk to you though,  I made my email address visible on my profile so just write to me please,  thanks man....

[HereIAm]

Greetings Redbull,

Welcome to this site.  I am glad you have found it.  I understand the feelings you are having.    I think it is normal to have the feelings you are describing.  I read on here that many folks seem to feel similarly.  I certainly did.

I think you are right to not worry about where it came from but to concentrate on taking care of yourself.  That is very important.  Seeing the ID and following your blood work is very important.  Getting involved in a way that is meaningful to you is good.  Also, have you considered seeing a therapist?  After all, this is a major life change, if only in attitude.

The medicines are amazing.  I am on Atripla and am essentially side  effect free, other than I feel better than I have in a very long time.  I will write you an email privately.  Respond if you would like.

Regards,

[jayjax]

Hey Redbull,

Welcome to the forum.  I'm glad you have found this site.  Its a great place to find out about HIV and how it affects others.  We're all here for eachother.  Please don't blame yourself.  We have all been in your place ... trust me.  After we first find out our diagnosis, we're completely devastated.

I must say that finding a support group is the best thing you can do right now.  Talk to those in your area if you can, especially those who are also HIV +.  There is so much information here and the great people are here to support you.  All you need to do is ask.  So many with many years experience and knowledge to share with you.

If you need to talk, I'm here.  PM me if you need to.

Time is a healer.  Each day gets better.

Later Buddy!

JayJax

[jayjax]

Hey Redbull,

You need to make at least 3 posts before you can PM.  reply to this and you should be able to read your PMs

[positivmat]

Hey,
Sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Support groups were great for me. I go see a therapist now too. This forum is good for getting a lot of questions answered. It does get easier each day.  I would wait to tell people after a while. Decide how much they will support you at this point. Take care of yourself
Matt

[redbull]

I am not sure if this area has a specific support group for this.  I did find an organization that helps people with hiv with different things, not sure what, but I am looking more into that to see if I can volunteer or something.  I find myself forgetting about this sometimes, but then something triggers it back again and I get down all over again. 

Even though this isnt the death sentence it used to be there is such a stigma that goes along with it, otherwise why would we be so scare to tell everyone?   I hate hiding and feeling like I am less or a person or people might look down on me.  I know we shouldnt care what people think but I dont like feeling this way.

[positivmat]

I think about it every day. I think at 2 weeks I was thinking about it every minute. You will put society's stigma in check as you go along. Just give yourself time to adjust to it. Volunteering for anything is a great way to put this in perspective. It will quickly show you that there are worse things. I had a hard time giving myself a break and some days I still get on that wagon.  But now when I do, I realize that I was hard on myself about everything else that had happened to me in the past before this virus. HIV is sort of waking me up to the bullshit that I was putting myself through in the past.
I am not saying that you are doing the same thing. But I am saying that you might be able to use this event to see things differently. I have come to the conclusion that I will see this as an opportunity rather than an ordeal. We are so lucky to have this now rather than 20 years ago.

However, it will suck for a while and it certainly has taken me all of the past 4 months to get here (and I have a long way to go). But you sound like you have so many good things in your life to make that shift in your mind. make it a positive not a negative. Volunteering is an excellent way to do that. If you don't have a support group, it might be worth going to a therapist


Matt

[shypoz]

I know ultiimately its my fault...I should have protected myself, I cant blame anyone but myself when it comes down to it.  I feel like such a failure,  if my family or kids find out they will be devastated.

I struggled with these feelings as well, when I first learned of my diagnosis. How could I have allowed this to happen to me? I've always been so careful. In a way, I think it's normal. But it's also somewhat unhealthy.

This is not your fault. You are not a failure. You can't blame anyone, and you shouldn't blame yourself either. I know that you can't just turn those feelings off, but I hope that you can't work through them soon.

[yesican]

hey redbull , I know how you feel, I found out in jan and I was also married for 17 years. I have a grown faughter and there is no way I can tel her at least not yet. I know the  way you feel about what others think I understand, I to feel the same way. Seems for the last few months I feel like I have been walking aroud in a cloud. Most of the time I try to stay positive about all this but I have days I just want to pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep, and I have a few times. I have a partner that has been poz since sonetime in 01, we have been together for three years and he has been near death once because he didn't tell anyone he was poz and waasn't taking meds. After geetting him back to has dr hes heaalty aas can be now. My email address is open if you want to email me, I know how feeling alone is, I seem to have been there the last few months. The b/f isn't a talker and doesn't communicate well so we dont talk much and I can tell anyone else. .Hope your better, Yesican, ( David )

[Dale Parker]

Hey Redbull: It takes time to get your self sorted out mentally.  Talking and writing about anything that is traumatic is a good way of dealing with the situation.  Don't feel that you have to tell anyone right away.  I told my sisters, brother and a few good friends at first.  I also told the few people that I had sex with in last few years. I did make the mistake of telling a few people of my general health problems whom I did not want to know I was gay/HIV+.  I had to dodge the "what do you have." question for quite a while with some of them. 
   My nephew is getting married in August and I'm still not sure how I'm going to handle the situation.  All the family will be there. I know people are going to ask why I lost so much weight (55lbs).  Since they know I'm unemployed at the moment and they might think that I'm starving due to lack of cash.
    I hate to lie to them as my extended family is very supportive of me but at the same time I don't want to put a damper on the festivities. My doctor says just tell them I have a viral infection which is what I will probably do. I will tell my nieces and nephews only when they need to know i.e if I get really sick and end up in hospital. Other people in my life will probably never get told as they do not need to know.
  It sounds like you have a great relationship with your bf.  As to the who gave who question I wouldn't worry about it as it won't change anything.

Wishing you the best of luck and health
Dale
P.S. I've been on this site for a few months now and EVERYONE has been so supportive.  If you feel lonely just come here and write your feelings or questions. The people here will give you all the support that they can.

[webontheweb]

hey redbull, just checking in with you.  How is it going?   I am here if you need a  private chat.
Take care buddy, you have friends out in the big wide world.
Cheers

[mecch]

Hi man. Just a note of support, things will even out healthwise, and hey, you are presently healthy, but HIV+.
Did you get your labs yet.
And what about the elephant in the room, your bf and his unknown status.  Strength, courage, and honesty and love for dealing with that. Seems like he is in denial about something.