Author Topic: Forgive yourself. (Read 9353 times)

iwillsurvive1 · « **on:** July 28, 2018, 03:33:41 pm »

I tested positive on friday the 13th. How ironic. o and HAPPY belated BIRTHDAY to me!
3 months post pregnancy, 2 months post attempted abortion, 1 month post miscarriage and 1 month into dating a man who accepted me and has been helping me through all of this.

today I told the guy who infected me that I forgive myself (via email caz I was blocked when I informed him of his doing). I truly believe that I do forgive myself for trusting him and for not protecting myself because of the person I thought he was. I thought we both wanted a family. after all, we were talking about marriage and he took me to meet his family and things felt right.
but see people cant continue pretending when situations change. and the situation changed because I was pregnant and he made it clear ABORT IT!! I said no and he said you are not responsible, you are not doing what is best for our relationship. how dare you want to keep it?
so I decided I don't, not for a person like you. Especially not now that I am jobless and in school.

oh if the pregnancy was all I got. NOPE The universe said you can manage HIV and Chlymidia (god don't give more than what you can bare they say) O well.
I thought about suicide. I thought I can't live like this.
but then I also think. I am blessed to be getting free medication, I don't feel sick and although it sucks, I am still alive. and I am thankful.
and it all makes sense. it makes sense why I didn't have the baby.
is it bad if I thank the universe for that? I know the baby wouldn't necessarily be + but emotional? I don't think I could've managed.

I am in a better place at this point and I only hope to get better

to all you newly infected. Find solace in what you do have. be thankful and forgive yourself.
it horrible how love and pleasure hurts!

to everyone who has shared and advised in this forum--- Thank you. your words and stories have helped me.

Acesra · « **Reply #1 on:** July 28, 2018, 09:54:38 pm »

@iwillsurvive1, you are very strong. I recently got diagnosed positive, and Im struggling everyday to find my inner strength to carry on. It’s hard but I take small steps.

You are so strong and I admire you dearly. Let’s be there for each other, even it’s virtually, to get through this.

Jay

em · « **Reply #2 on:** July 28, 2018, 10:11:03 pm »

welcome to the forum and your first post

sorry you have found yourself among us and under such dark circumstances but I hope the thoughts stories and the like found here help you

with heartfelt sorrow for your situation I will try and turn your thoughts toward thinking of what is in the future for you when you are ready to have it when the time will come

Just thinking you might be feeling this is the worst thing ever and life is as hard as it could ever be. hearing your story One might have such a thought

I feel with time and you do know you have time. and a future . As I understand it you can still after the dust has settled and the opportunity presents is self having a healthy HIV free child in your future with the passage of time You can and will overcome and be a survivor I am sure others here could provide links with the data .

When I found out about my status I thought great my life is over then a few years went by and then advancement after advancement. now almost thirty years later

I believe over the years that you have left to live more opportunities will present themselves with hope and faith in yourself this low moment will be the foundation for a bright caring love filled future.

I hope you all the best.

Jim Allen · « **Reply #3 on:** July 29, 2018, 01:11:24 am »

Hi OP.

Welcome to the forum, very sorry to hear about your recent grief & loss.

Also sorry to hear about the HIV diagnosis, this can in itself be a lot to digest for many, let alone when you are coping with additional pain and stress. I do hope you are getting the support you need during this time.

You mentioned you are on free treatment, how is the treatment going for you and what treatment are you getting? What is your Viral Load looking like?

Anyhow wishing you strength and all the best.

Jim

iwillsurvive1 · « **Reply #4 on:** July 29, 2018, 03:11:08 am »

Thank you for your kind words. @Jay that sounds good. @Em thank you so much, you give me hope.

@Jim. Thank you as well.
I am on Biktarvy, its going okay ive been taking it for 1 week and ive only had upset stomach which isnt too bad. I actually have no idea what my viral load is. My confirmatory test results apparently had some mix up so i had to retest. what they did though was start me on the meds based on the reactive antibody test and ill know in about two weeks the results of everything.

Jim Allen · « **Reply #5 on:** July 29, 2018, 08:43:09 am »

Okay thanks for the update. Hopefully the stomach upset will settle down soon as you adjust to treatment.

Sorry to hear the labs were messed up, until you have a diagnosis result ill ask you to remain in this one thread. Shouldn't take them too long.

Jim

Jehan82 · « **Reply #6 on:** July 30, 2018, 12:46:14 am »

Hi Iwillsurvive,

Good that you found this site to share your thoughts and i'm very happy that you have someone by your side to support despite all what happened.

Well I'm not a + but i did search help here some years back and good people like @Jimdublin helped me a lot to overcome my situation. I gathered a lot of knowledge from this site about HIV/AIDS and the help i got in terms of risk assessment was very valuable.

Its so good to see that you are taking things positively and moving forward in life. Like many others who are living with HIV, You will also be able to live a full life span and enjoy everything you love. Just make sure to take your meds on time and be continue same regularly. I'm not an HIV expert but if you up for a chat i'm here for you. Take care!

Jim Allen · « **Reply #7 on:** July 30, 2018, 02:05:13 am »

@Jehan82

As well intended as your post is, you should not be posting in other sections of the forum other than your own thread in the "Am I infected" section.

Thank you for your cooperation

Jim

https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=69853.msg

Quote

Please Note.
As a member of the AM I Infected Forum you are required to only post in this one thread no matter how long between visits or the subject matter. You can find this thread by going to your profile and selecting show own post and it will take you here . It helps us to help you when you keep all your thoughts or questions in one thread and it helps other readers to follow the discussion. Any additional threads will be deleted.

iwillsurvive1 · « **Reply #8 on:** August 01, 2018, 02:23:44 pm »

swollen lymph nodes.

So I noticed my lymph nodes in my neck were swollen in April and well they still are..
has this happened to anyone? should I be worried about it? or will the meds eventually help and they'll go down?

please provide an answer if you can. Thanks in advance.

iwillsurvive1 · « **Reply #9 on:** August 01, 2018, 02:26:49 pm »

@jehan82. Thank you

Bartlett · « **Reply #10 on:** August 01, 2018, 02:54:35 pm »

Swollen Lymph nodes can come and go depending on the person. I get them regularly due to allergies (blasted dust and dirt in the air lol.)

Also, just wanted to welcome you and express gratitude that you made the choice to become ok with yourself. When we are strong it can help others. Just remember that the days ahead do not define you - you are always changing, growing and learning and in the process we can and do leave people and situations behind that are toxic for us.
Sorry you had to join the HIV wagon, but we are a generally nice group to learn from / with.

iwillsurvive1 · « **Reply #11 on:** August 02, 2018, 12:42:48 pm »

@bartlett. thank you for responding and thank you for your kind words.

_______________________________

Quote from: JimDublin on July 29, 2018, 01:11:24 am

You mentioned you are on free treatment, how is the treatment going for you and what treatment are you getting? What is your Viral Load looking like?

CD4- 401 and VL- 6057

since its not super high does this mean it'll go down faster if my body responds well to the biktarvy?

iwillsurvive1 · « **Reply #12 on:** September 09, 2018, 07:35:02 pm »

update.
I met with my doctor and I am UD after being on Biktarvy for 1 month, 2 days

. This news has made my weekend. Also, my t-cells went up to 570. Things are getting easier. I am finally feeling the energy to continue writing my Thesis. hopefully, I can get it done by the end of the year.

I trust this update finds everyone in good spirits.

Ptrk3 · « **Reply #13 on:** September 09, 2018, 09:14:56 pm »

Excellent news! Congratulations!

Good luck with your thesis.

em · « **Reply #14 on:** September 09, 2018, 11:12:04 pm »

you had mentioned swollen lymph nodes a while back

mine in my neck had gotten to the size of golfballs and the ones on my legs had gotten to the size of baseballs

I was mostly concerned about making it through the day rather than long term plans

My meds where AZT than DDI. than azt and 3tc than back DDI if I remember correctly

It was over twenty years ago now. were the swollen glands used to be. there is extra tissue around what has become the smaller glands with extra skin on my upper thighs. the swelling is down but they left a bit of evidence were they used to be. My neck is thick from swelling from tissue damage and being overweight does not help but I feel I earned the right to over eat a bit to enjoy the gift of the extended life I have found myself enjoying.

since starting a Norvir study around 97 I've been for the most part UD if I recall correctly. do not want to come across as bragging just lucky Is my own take on it

swollen glands they should not be any trouble with todays meds .

good luck with your thesis and many years to enjoy life and all it has to offer

great numbers for only a month and two days, If I remember for me any way my numbers were 7 t-cells and very much so not undetectable than a couple of years later they were up to some were around 700 T Cells and UD. they had mentioned the decrease in base ten numbers and using base log and to the nth or something it was over twenty years ago and my mind surely is not what it used to be. The terms were used to demonstrate the magnitude of the size of the change over the first year or so in viral load decrease so as to make it more easily to understand how large the decrease.

please forgive my attempt to clarify the information it has been a long time since I have had the need to think about anything more difficult than cartoon dialog after raising two children into their teens and all it has left me with a bad case of dady brain from being around children simplification is a must to get your point across and in depth thought is not part of the daily routine

I see no reason that in many decades to come this will be just a short sad chapter in an other wise long story filled with great happy joyfull times for you

again sorry for not being able to clearly portray thoughts anymore must be a small part of my many shortcomings of late .

I hope all the best to you

em · « **Reply #15 on:** September 14, 2018, 01:13:11 am »

did not want to scare everyone off this part of the website like many PM I have gotten that state

YOU are going to scare the newbies

please carry on

my swollen limp nodes are just a bad memory and so is my fear of dying tomorrow

even though after almost thirty years of waiting for a day that may never come
( a cure for AIDS day ) dying from other causes is showing its ugly head . no one lives forever

sorry to have stopped others from posting here

please continue

Jim Allen · « **Reply #16 on:** September 14, 2018, 06:24:24 am »

@em

Not sure who said your scaring newbies. As moderator I don't have issues with anyone posting as long as it's on topic and inline with forum guidelines.

@iwillsurvive1

Excellent results! Hope you had a good UD party that night

Good luck with the thesis and glad to hear you feel up to it again.

Jim

iwillsurvive1 · « **Reply #17 on:** September 21, 2018, 09:17:38 am »

Thank you, everyone.

I hope this finds you in good spirits.

I would like to share a song with you guys. Its called A start across the sky by Romain Virgo. Life and Love is such a beautiful thing. I truly love this community and I wish the best life and love to you all. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqbOEYBoUzQ

iwillsurvive1 · « **Reply #18 on:** September 21, 2018, 09:19:08 am »

@em you are a beautiful soul. Thank you so much.

JosephP · « **Reply #19 on:** September 24, 2018, 11:21:38 pm »

@willsurvive! Great numbers, congratulations!! And yes, as Gloria Gayner sings.. "I will Survive!" and so will you... As Em has eloquently indicated it... You will get your energy back and as my ID doctor says, you are living with HIV, you will die of old age! Got to love her!! Keep up the good work, and keep us posted. We love to hear successes!

em · « **Reply #20 on:** September 25, 2018, 12:56:17 pm »

I noticed others posting song references and could not think of a perfect spot to put this song reference would it have been better to place in a new thread ? then to me this place seems the best spot to share this

HIV could be thought of like a bad relationship? there are many songs on that topic but thinking of the fear of HIV as something to put behind you overcoming and finding peace

this song when i heard it made me thankful and thought it might be worth a listen too when thinking about HIV.

I apologize in advance if this does not come across as relevant

but getting your mind raped around getting over the bad part of life and finding a way to put the fear of HIV behind you and living

I hope others out there might feel the same and see this in this song

https://youtu.be/mfL9cgpS9K0

Just because I feel this way does not mean anyone else sees this in this song but thought it worth sharing

alive as in the alternative of death that HIV can cause. but can take the living out of life that you have with the fear of the damage it can cause to the life you are living ?

my best to you

em

iwillsurvive1 · « **Reply #21 on:** November 22, 2018, 04:30:00 pm »

There is love after HIV. I’m a newlywed. 🍁🙏

Never give up hope, god always has your back.

fabio · « **Reply #22 on:** November 23, 2018, 04:41:16 am »

I am very happy that you have someone by your side to get through this. Everything will be ok now,things can only get better.
I'll recommend a more cheesy song of my time (I'm 23 so here is a millennial song....hehe).
https://youtu.be/gH476CxJxfg it's incredibly cheesy,but I listen to it when I'm down and want to cheer up.

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Author Topic: Forgive yourself. (Read 9353 times)