Author Topic: House Guest... (Read 8159 times)

pozguy75 · « **on:** February 01, 2007, 01:51:15 pm »

This unwelcome tenant called AIDS is funny thing...

It invades my body...without invitation and takes over- so-to-speak, and begins to set up house keeping. I fill my body with a poisonous potion of Nukes and PI's just to keep the bastard in check...I want the tenant to move out! But no, it continues to keep the house a mess, and leaves the garbage on the stoop, and and refuses to take it to the curb. My potion keeps the viral load at bay in my blood...only my blood...but what about the other rooms of the house: lymph system, brain, nervous system, gut...the rooms are at maximum occupancy, still this particular tenant continues to stuff them with its relatives...immediate and other wise.

I am just a landlord that continues to attempt to keep the house in good repair, but lately I am starting to lose some shingles off the roof, and the walls need painting, the plumbing is constantly leaking and continues to allow precious nutrients to be lost...weakening the structure that holds this house up.

My tenant refuses to give up its hold on my house.

I am continuing to lose weight...almost at 2-3 pounds a week. I have talked with my doctors about it. I have changed my diet, I have tried other things...I am continuing to lift weights to keep my lean muscle mass, but I still weigh in just above 160 pounds. I am 5'9" and three weeks ago I was 170 pounds...My face is beginning to look really thin and my cheeks, once full are now drawn in a bit.

I am scared. This is a huge admission on my part...I am terrified; maybe I am just having an "AIDS day" or maybe it's something else...but I wanted to reach out here...I wanted to share with my feelings today here...

I know what science has to offer me...but I still have to deal with the physical and the emotional!

I feel my house is falling apart...and nothing at the Home Depot seems to help. I can only keep patching walls, keep up with replacing shingles and continue serve my tenant my potions to keep it weak...I am ready for this tenant to leave, but alas...it is here permanently.

I try to be happy...I try to hide my fear...but today, I must confess it...

This makes place helps me feel safe...with all of you...your virtual arms surround me, and that makes me feel safe...thank you for allowing me my say...

Ihavehope · « **Reply #1 on:** February 01, 2007, 02:02:28 pm »

Hi Cutie,

You are not alone. If I could send you a hug via the computer I would. Hang in there champ. Your tenant is a fucking bitch but you are a great landlord and Home Depot should hurry the damn up and give us what we need. It's just a sad day, it will be better for you cutie don't worry. Focus on the good things that are happening to you, as meaningless or as big as they can be. Your still a great brave man in the inside.

Al

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #2 on:** February 01, 2007, 02:15:12 pm »

160 lbs is not a bad weight for someone that is 5'9", BUT I do see a concern dropping 10 lbs in 3 weeks. Still it's not unheard of, and you did have a recent bout of digestive issues that landed you in the hospital. I think that's all it is.

However, if this keeps up for another 3 weeks you really should be adamant and insist on testosterone replacement at least for a while. Have you had your "t" levels tested?

Otherwise, yes we all have generalized "AIDS Days" and they're rather inescapable, but from what your writing they seemed connected today to an actual event and maybe not so general things. Good luck.

Amosboy · « **Reply #3 on:** February 01, 2007, 02:16:08 pm »

Jeromy,

Be gentle with yourself and keep allowing yourself to voice these "not so comfortable" feelings. I know from experience that bottling things up only makes matters worse. I want to say how much I personally appreciate the HUMANITY that you bring to this place. At times, you are funny and flirtatious, and at others, you show your real cards and put them on the table. Both have their place here. I think stress is a hidden culprit that eats away at our "houses" like pesky little termites. I think looking inside of yourself and allowing yourself to slow down...just a tinsy, little bit...you will find that your "house" will find stable footing.

I have been in and out of medicine regimes a lot over the past ten years and the body can take a little time getting used to all of the crap that is coursing through its system. I think getting a comfortable (moderate) routine with eating, sleeping, and exercise is key to maintaining balance. I know I do much better with a sense of stucture in my life. I think you are wise to keep your doctor in the know...so to speak. I think it would be wise to keep a journal or list of what and when you are eating, sleeping, and excercising. My body responds the best within routine.

As far as emotional support, you've got it from me...and I'm sure from many other people here on this forum. And I don't mind one bit pulling some of that stress and crap right out of your body if it's going to lighten the load for you. Surround yourself with empathic people and let them help you find your center. Everything is going to be OK. We all get scared from time to time...myself included...and that's when we need to reach out for help. I'm still learning that one. Funny how I don't seem to have a problem "giving" but I seem to be somewhat uncomfortable "receiving"....OK people....get your minds out of the gutter....another post another time!

You are going to find some solid ground and you will gain your strength back. Don't ever think you should push the negative feelings down deep either...let'em rip and let'em go! I think you are well on your way to feeling better by posting this. And I've got one big hug waiting for you, friend! You don't ever need to feel like you are in this battle alone...YOU ARE NOT!!!!

Take care and be gentle with yourself,

Brooks

woodshere · « **Reply #4 on:** February 01, 2007, 03:23:19 pm »

Hang in there Jeromy! You have so many friends and fans here that by the end of the night your spirit will be no doubt be uplifted.
I agree with philly 160 at your height isn't bad. After Christmas I too had a few plumbing problems and lost 8 lbs in a week and of course I looked like shit. So give yourself some time to recover from your bout of leaking pipes.

Also, what a great analogy with your house and HIV.

Woods

aupointillimite · « **Reply #5 on:** February 01, 2007, 04:36:22 pm »

I yell at my HIV, Jeromy... I gave it a "pay or quit premises" notice, but now it's squatting...

I also get after it... "You eat, and eat, and eat! But would it kill you to clean a dish?"

I'm 5'9" and weigh less than you do... so it's not all bad. And I have some friends who would absolutely kill for that degree of weight loss...

I know what you mean, through... the terror just creeps up out of nowhere sometimes... and you feel like a prisoner in your own skin... looking in the mirror and knowing that everying would be OK if you could force it out with your mind... and then goin' kinda nuts when you realize that'll never happen.

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #6 on:** February 01, 2007, 04:39:27 pm »

O RLY? I thought I saw a little tummy action in that last pic!

JohnOso · « **Reply #7 on:** February 01, 2007, 04:40:18 pm »

Jeromy,

No, you're not alone in this....we're all with you mate.

Giving you a virtual bear hug,
John

bear60 · « **Reply #8 on:** February 01, 2007, 04:41:18 pm »

Hi
Your old granddad bear has sent you a PM with lots of good advice. We love you! Be good to the body.

poet · « **Reply #9 on:** February 01, 2007, 04:55:50 pm »

Jeromy, I find it amazing that, in the midst of an AIDS moment or feeling of terror or plain despair you can turn around what you are feeling and come up with an image which gets it across, showing us exactly what you are going through. Somehow, you and this place are enabling you to handle this, or you would be spouting vague, disconnected rants which you aren't. The foundation for your house is solid. I hope that you can start to feel again just how solid that foundation is, even with the shingles acting up, the plumbing getting testy, the winds around you shaking the very walls. Wishing you comfort, Win

aupointillimite · « **Reply #10 on:** February 01, 2007, 05:01:16 pm »

A bit of a different metaphor, Jeromy... but the idea is the same.

Refusing what you are given
You want things to be the old way
Resisting the revolutions
Changes are coming anyway

Unable to thrive to change
The mask doesn't veil anymore
Strip yourself of all your riddles
Do not reject all the lessons

You're not a child anymore
You're not your former self
And what's reality now?
The tools you've used to get by
Aren't the keys to your tomorrows

The wind is blowing
The sea is shifting
The storm is rumbling
Darkness descending
The gales are sweeping
The waves threatening
Horizon is grim
Tempest arriving

Hey skipper, look ahead, navigate
Hey skipper, look ahead, navigate
Hey skipper, use your head, manoeuvre
Hey skipper, look ahead, navigate

Oh the winds can blow but
your sails can defeat it
The storms may rumble,
we all know your hull is fit

That sea is rough now
Mind you do not slip
Could destroy your ship
Put a nail in it

When darkness descends,
Your radar will be your sight
The waves may unleash,
your mast will stay standing high

You are the captain
Do you feel equipped?
You have now taken
The helm of your ship.

"The Man With 100 Cells." The Groop.

Longislander · « **Reply #11 on:** February 01, 2007, 05:13:12 pm »

Hey sweetie,

Sorry you're having a rough time. You know we all love and support you here. If I could get a big warm hug to you I'd be right there.

Keep doing what you're doing, and hopefully it is just the lingering results of that bug you had.

Paul

Blixer · « **Reply #12 on:** February 01, 2007, 05:20:42 pm »

Jeromy,
Hang in there! You have received a lot of good advice here. What you wrote was very touching though. I think you have captured a thread that eats at many of us. We do all we can but we know the virus is still there. It won't move out. I know I have my days when I'm scared. I know the issues with my body that used to be insignificant now always cause a little bit of alarm. Is the virus winning? Has something happened that I'm not keeping it at bay? And there are those days that I just feel like crying and other days that I look at my meds and think "what's the use?" But then I think about all that I still want to accomplish and all that I want to do and somehow I plod forward again. Some days I hardly think about the virus. Other days thoughts of it overwhelm me. Sometimes all I can do is think back to my very first visit with the ID doctor. She looked me in the eye and said "If you take care of yourself, follow our advice, and take your meds, you are going to be around here for a long long time and you are going to be healthy for a long long time." Maybe we just worry too much at times. But obviously you can see how many people are here for you! Hang on and keep hoping that some day soon we will find a way to get rid of this unwanted tenant for good.

skeebo1969 · « **Reply #13 on:** February 01, 2007, 05:28:33 pm »

Jeromy I know it is hard to admit it, but there is nothing wrong with being scared. Whether you are just having an "AIDS Day" or facing some critical health issues, just know we are here. I have been seeing the issues you are having with your virus being resistant to some of the medications and can only imagine what this is doing to your psyche. With the weight loss and other problems this is presenting, it is time to fall back on the ones that care and understand.

From me, wishing you the best or saying goodluck just does not cut it.... I almost feel inadequate.

  Please continue to share and get all your fears off your chest. Do what the doctor tells you and if need be get a second opinion. We are here...

  Take care of yourself Jeromy.....

  (((hugs)))

  Thomas

Razorbill · « **Reply #14 on:** February 01, 2007, 05:46:55 pm »

I do the same thing - I let the constant stress of having a "tenant" ratchet up the worry that comes with symptoms. 10lbs in 3 weeks is something to investigate, that's all. It's no good that the virus gets free rent in your body - don't let it vacation in your mind as well. You be fine, I can feel it in my beak. Love you.
Ernie

Life · « **Reply #15 on:** February 01, 2007, 05:49:23 pm »

Jeromy - I cannot beleive this will not smooth out for you.... I have faith in YOU and your resolve to find the solution and answers THROUGH the power of AM and the "science.".... Meanwhile, you know you are not alone in your feelings..... We hear what you are sayiing loud and clear and I know we have all felt lost, alone and frghtened in the midst of hiv in our faces day in and day out.

Please get alot of hugs today.... I hope you can tell this is already happening...

Love,

Nadine · « **Reply #16 on:** February 01, 2007, 05:55:36 pm »

Jeromy,

It's alright to be scared, and admitting it is a very good thing. Please know that we are all here for you, group (((HUGS))) really do work, I've seen it here many times!
Maybe you're still not completely over that bug you had a few weeks ago. Just take good care of yourself, things will get better.

dtwpuck · « **Reply #17 on:** February 01, 2007, 06:26:15 pm »

I needed to read your post. Thank you. I forget what it's like sometimes to worry about things. Your honesty is refreshing and your vulnerability really compelling. I don't let myself feel fear... I just don't think about it. Somehow it's wayyyyyy under the surface. I read what you wrote and turned around and asked my boyfriend if ever feels afraid. He's only been poz for just over a year. However, he is not as outwardly emotional as I am. He looked at me and said "yes". How is it that admitting that I, too, am afraid is something I cannot do. Your posting really made me feel something I didn't know was there. I knew. But I didn't know.

I don't know you, but I know your tenant. I would, however, gladly kick him out. Or, I'd even take you away from everything, hold you and tell you it will all be alright.

aztecan · « **Reply #18 on:** February 01, 2007, 09:19:06 pm »

Hey Jeromy,

I know how you are feeling. Even after all these years, it wells up inside me at times.

Just know we are here for you.

If its any consolation, I am 5'11'' and barely tip the scales at 160.

HUGS,

Mark

kentb · « **Reply #19 on:** February 01, 2007, 09:56:00 pm »

Jeromey, I am very sorry you are having this problem. I know sometimes we look at the "stranger in the mirror" and we are reminded quickly of the frustration that comes with this disease. I hope you can find comfort in all of us here who very much want you to know how much we care for you. I know that things will get better. Make sure your doctor does a stool sample to make sure there is not a parasite in the intestinal tract that is robbing your body of nutrients. I will keep you in my thoughts.

compassionate regards,

Kent

pozguy75 · « **Reply #20 on:** February 01, 2007, 10:13:00 pm »

Guys...I am not sure what to say here. I am so grateful to you all!

There are some days, when all of it just gets to me! And well today, was just one of those days...I am so thankful that you all are here.

Thank you all very much!

I love each and everyone of you!

thunter34 · « **Reply #21 on:** February 01, 2007, 10:23:46 pm »

You know...there are few people I have ever run across that know how to get naked quite like Jeromy.

And I ain't talking about the dropping of trousers.

I swear, boy. You just knock me sideways sometimes.

david25luvit · « **Reply #22 on:** February 01, 2007, 10:40:21 pm »

Hey Cutie Pie......

{{{{{big hug))))))

cmhjeff · « **Reply #23 on:** February 01, 2007, 11:09:52 pm »

Oh Jeromy my little piggy. Excuse me but my first thought was that you were going to tell us your house guest was crabs.

I know where did that come from but you never know when us pigs play in the pig pen. (LOL) You'll pull through this. Your stronger than you want to let on. No more candles from me next time I'll send cookies or chocolates to help with a few extra pounds.

Not to make this about me but I had a crazy difficult week myself. I didn't exercise earlier in the week and then I came down on my ankle wrong twice. It's easy to make a bad day into a horrible day when you feel alone and helpless. This week I've gotten attached to a song my Ryan Houston titled All Alone. If you can sign into my MySpace page the song is loaded on my homepage. Take a listen.
http://www.myspace.com/twojeffs
Sleep tight pretty boy! Tomorrow is a new day.
Hugs!!!!!
Jeff

[attachment deleted by admin]

AlanBama · « **Reply #24 on:** February 01, 2007, 11:14:37 pm »

virtual {{{hugs}}} to my favorite porn star!

You do have a houseguest honey, but just remember it's YOUR house!

I think this calls for a "number" :

****Diana Ross walks in wearing a gold sequinned halter-top gown***
It's my house and I live here
(I wanna tell you)
It's my house and I live here

There's a welcome mat at the door
And if you come on in
You're gonna get much more
There's my chair
I put it there
Everything you see
Is with love and care

It's my house and I live here
(I wanna tell you)
It's my house and I live here

On the table, there sits a rose
Through every window
A little light flows
Books of feeling on the shelf above
'Cause it was built for love
I was built for love

It's my house and I live here
(I wanna tell you)
It's my house and I live here

There's a candle to light the stairs
Where my dreams await someone to share
Oh, there's music on the radio
And good vibrations won't let me go
I put my name on the ceilin' above

'Cause it was buillt for love
It was built for love, ooh
You say you wanna move in with me
You say you wanna move in with me
Got to follow the rules to get me
Got to follow the rules to get me
You wanna visit my house
Say you wanna drop by
Wanna visit my house, yeah
To see me sometimes

There's a welcome mat at the door
And if you come on in
You're gonna get much more
I put my name in the ceilin' above
'Cause it was built for love
It was built for love

It's my house and I live here
(I wanna tell you)
It's my house and I live here
________________________________

Seriously Jeromy, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you love and light, and hoping that things will be brighter tomorrow. (and don't let that weight loss keep happening without seeing the doc! we have to keep you 'studly')

Love & hugs,
Alan

PS - I used to have a friend in Birmingham who loved this song so much, that he actually did write his name on his living room ceiling, in black paint

koi1 · « **Reply #25 on:** February 02, 2007, 01:39:32 am »

Hi Jer,

I went in to the hospital today for a pentamadine treatment. I told them the shits are still bringing both my emotions and my weight down. They went to get a doctor, who is not my own. He said he would look at my chart and make a recommendation. He said I should mix in Kaopectate with the other two anti-diarrheals I am taking. Hopefully this will work.

I know how you feel. Hang in there, and yes yo are a cutie. I am 5'11" and 146-143 pounds. So my short term goal is to get to your weight. I know it is not any consolation, but maybe it will cheer ya up a little.

rob

ndrew · « **Reply #26 on:** February 02, 2007, 02:14:01 am »

Hi Jeromy brother,

Thanks for your poignant analogy and your honest expression... wishin' u well...

Drew

lucas · « **Reply #27 on:** February 02, 2007, 02:50:23 am »

I see a garden behind those walls
the sun shines giving life, giving hope
this chains can keep my body but not my soul

I am no longer who I was
but I have enough strength for another fight
I won't give up I do not know how

I see my reflection fading away
so I close my eyes to see me again
I refuse to turn off the light

I was... I am... I will always be...
the garden behind those walls
were the sun shines giving life, giving hope
this chains can keep my body but not my soul
L.O.C.[/color]
I wrote this for you hope it brings you a smile..
sorry I got log out and it did not post as a reply

mjmel · « **Reply #28 on:** February 02, 2007, 03:11:36 am »

Touching.

,
Mike

heartforyou · « **Reply #29 on:** February 02, 2007, 03:59:13 am »

I see a reflection of myself, some years ago.

Hang in there Jeromy....you know virtual hugs can be REALLYgood.

Hermie

Nadine · « **Reply #30 on:** February 02, 2007, 06:45:26 am »

Good Morning Jeromy

I hope that you're feeling better today!

(((HUGS)))

northernguy · « **Reply #31 on:** February 02, 2007, 11:00:14 am »

Sorry to hear about it. I got the shits the day after coming back from London over the holidays. On the crapper every hour until it was just water

Down 4-5 pounds over two days which freaked me out. Of course by the time I got to the doc it had swung the other way to constipation! Anyway, a steady of diet of DQ Blizzards seems to have restored the weight.

racingmind · « **Reply #32 on:** February 02, 2007, 11:04:29 am »

Jeromy,

I hope that today is a better day. I was very touched by what you said...

please don't make me cry again....

FiercenBed · « **Reply #33 on:** February 02, 2007, 01:17:46 pm »

dude.....i feel like we should all go to a bar and geta a drink <or smoke some weed...lol>. this thing has bn such a m&&^%$her fri*&^ken god &^%$ c*&^t mess. i find myself getting numb to it....which i dont know whether thatz good or bad. it certainly has driven a wedge between between me and non poz friends. their stupidity really pisses me OFF! <ooo itz just like having diabetes....yea right><now u dont have to wear rubbers>......idiots! as iv said in other post iv got more issues going on then i can type. w/out any poz friends and trying to hide my status from others; i find myself exhausted. the weight thing is a bitch. i can not break 135 lbs doc had the audacity to say to me,"well mayb god wants you to weigh 135lbs." ha ha ha....asshole.

so those are the bad days....but on good days.....Im determined to be the first person CURED of hiv....lol. somewhere sometime someplace thatz gonna happen. y not me? gota have hope to geta bed. good luck

pozguy75 · « **Reply #34 on:** February 02, 2007, 02:30:44 pm »

Well as the song says: "there's no day but today!"

I feel so fortunate to have this place to expose my raw feelings...and as thunter said "get naked".

Sometimes we all need to strip away our outer walls and boxes and really address what we might be feeling and this space has given me that opportunity!

Alan, you are so right...this is my house...my rules...and sometimes I want to call a house keeper to do the work, cause I am tired of doing it myself...just a little help every now and again would be nice...

Jeff...my little piggy...your support and love...it makes me swell with pride, just knowing you!

Thunter...anytime you feel like dropping trow...you just let me know and I will be there!

Lucas, what a beautiful poem...thank you for that...it really touched my heart!

Nadine, today I am feeling a lot better! Thank you for being here!!

Racing...I promise I will try not to make you cry again...

Fierceenbed...that you for the kind words, I really appreciate them!

Hermie...I just love you...your warmth radiates across the Atlantic!!

And to all of you...thank you again for the really kind words and stories...it's nice not to be the only one who has the same issues...it's nice to have a team here who can relate!

I love you all!!

Denver Toad · « **Reply #35 on:** February 02, 2007, 03:28:30 pm »

Jeromy,

Hope this gives you a chuckle. Hang in there there's so many pulling for you.

At least you're somewhere warm... it was -6 this morning in Denver.

Javicho · « **Reply #36 on:** February 02, 2007, 03:28:41 pm »

Jerome my love, I just read your post, sorry to hear the way you feel yesterday, anyway i see that today you are better and i'm glad that you know that we all here for each other.

The day Ii met you here in DC I dont know what but you have someting that not to many people has (a brigt light) I could see in your eyes you were very nice, charmy, polite and very sweet, thank you for that I have a very good impretion of you. Always remember you are in this world for a reason love you

J.

Forums Index

Welcome

Author Topic: House Guest... (Read 8159 times)