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Main Forums => Someone I Care About Has HIV => Topic started by: 0134580 on November 21, 2018, 09:39:23 am

Title: Sex
Post by: 0134580 on November 21, 2018, 09:39:23 am
Im new to this so if not allowed i apologize in advance...

Iíve been dating a guy for about 5 months now, and about 2 months ago I found out that he is hiv positive. I was upset and shocked initially Bc I found out by snooping ( sorry) and Bc this guy has hiv and never told me and I guess I was also upset Bc I never wouldíve guessed he had it....

We have never had sex. A month into the relationship i wanted to have sex, but he kept pushing it off. One day(about 2 mo ago) I finally decided to snoop just a bit Bc I thought he had a wife or someone else...
He finally told me heís been hiv positive for 8years and heís undetectable...
Anyways, Long story short Im now on prep ( for the last month or so) and yet he still doesnít want to have sex. We have such a great fun loving relationship, we our now much more open with each other, we go out together, shop together, attend various events together, stay up all night talking about our dreams and goals, aspirations etc. We just truly enjoy each otherís company. Heís texting me now to have breakfast together lol he Is soooo sweet... the issue? He doesnít want sex, he says heís not interested in sex anymore, heíd rather have a relationship where there is no sex. He says he loves me and our love is enough...I told him Iím not comfortable with this and sex is important to me. He says if he has too he will but heíd rather not. I guess I donít understand this. I refuse to force him or guilt him into sex....
Title: Re: Sex
Post by: Jim Allen on November 21, 2018, 09:55:01 am
Hiya.

Sounds like run of mill relationship problem.

Quote
He doesnít want sex, he says heís not interested in sex anymore, heíd rather have a relationship where there is no sex.

Low Testosterone, Not physical attracted, Performance anxiety, Boredom, Sexuality, or plain not interested, combination of things and I am also sure there are a dozen more reasons why some men are not interested in a sexual relationship.
 
If he is really not interested, I think you are going to have to ask yourself if its a deal breaker and if so move on. With you both all the best.

Jim
Title: Re: Sex
Post by: Jim Allen on November 21, 2018, 10:53:55 am
Hiya.

Sounds like run of mill relationship problem.

Low Testosterone, Not physical attracted, Performance anxiety, Boredom, Sexuality, or plain not interested, combination of things and I am also sure there are a dozen more reasons why some men are not interested in a sexual relationship.
 
If he is really not interested, I think you are going to have to ask yourself if its a deal breaker and if so move on. With you both all the best.

Jim

I have to take this back "Sounds like run of mill relationship problem" and add something to my first post as a few thoughts are just rattling around in my brain and its going to bug me.
Does he want to work on this issue at all? Because itís one thing if itís an issue new to him like Low Testosterone or a mental block but if he is just not interested its end of the road on this topic If you ask me.

"Sounds like run of mill relationship problem" The reasons why I take this statement back:

Quote
I found out that he is hiv positive. I was upset and shocked initially Bc I found out by snooping ( sorry) and Bc this guy has hiv and never told me and I guess I was also upset Bc I never wouldíve guessed he had it....

We have never had sex. A month into the relationship i wanted to have sex, but he kept pushing it off. One day(about 2 mo ago) I finally decided to snoop just a bit Bc I thought he had a wife or someone else...
He finally told me heís been hiv positive for 8years and heís undetectable...

You say he's UD on treatment, than you got PrEP (bit over the top if you ask me but sure) and that yet he still doesnít want to have sex. I'm unclear on the relevance in this because was there ever a moment in time that his HIV status was a barrier to sex and if so was this a barrier for you or him or both?  Because you go on in your post to say the reason is he is not interested in sex anymore and that's a totally different conversation hence my initial reaction to your post.

Now I admit I don't really understand the sequence of events in your post between either you snooping or him telling you, not that it matters I suppose.
I am very unclear why you were upset. Itís a new relationship, 5 months so from my point of view new partners do hold back initially and, some people are more private than others. That is natural.  His status has very little to do with you, itís his private medical condition that affects him, not you! I would feel differently and upset for you if as example he was sleeping with you and he was not on treatment or you had been together for a decade a .. neither is the case, he is on treatment and the relationship is only 5 months in.

Your reaction however to your relationship problem is to go "snooping" and justifying it with the thought he might have "wife or someone else." That does not sound constructive or a healthy reaction/thinking process to a problem. Do you have trust issues or have you been burnt before?

Personally I've been in long term relationships including an (ex) marriage for 14 odd years. I know how it is to be cheated on etc but I Never snooped. I never touched a personís phone, laptop, bag or stuff without consent, no matter what someone did to me in the past, itís never okay to be invading someoneís privacy by snooping and it is totally unproductive, toxic behaviour, that shows an absolute lack of respect for each other and the relationship.  I know that if I ever found out my partner was snooping in my stuff, well no matter what fears she had I would have her out the door so fast, that her feet would not touch the ground!. 

Quote
Low Testosterone, Not physical attracted, Performance anxiety, Boredom, Sexuality, or plain not interested, combination of things and I am also sure there are a dozen more reasons why some men are not interested in a sexual relationship.
 
If he is really not interested, I think you are going to have to ask yourself if its a deal breaker and if so move on. With you both all the best.

Jim

Anyhow despite me clearly not understanding some of the issues, I do get that if you want a physical relationship and, he does not it is naturally going to be a problem

Truly do wish you both the best and, at the very least a constructive outcome that allows you both to move on. The relationship does not sound particularity healthy overall with the snooping, lack of sex, lack of respect & trust etc etc, but if you do want to stick it out than, maybe consider the benefits of getting some counselling together to work through the problems.   

Take it easy.

Jim
Title: Re: Sex
Post by: jayorangevii on September 23, 2020, 01:56:42 pm
I would  say that him not wanting to have sex has nothing to do with you but everything to do with his diagnosis. I know for me it was realizing that sex is important in a relationship but after my diagnosis I didn't really want to have it that much  even though I knew I could not infect anyone. I don't think it's a mental problem or testosterone issues. To me its clearly just a preference he has after his diagnosis and thats completely normal if that's how he wants to live his life. I hope you have figured it out but as Jim said before just see if thats a deal breaker for you and work with him on other things that could bring the same stimulation as sex would.